Posts Tagged ‘Mexico’

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Heavy Rotation Vol. 44 – South of the Border Edition

May 16, 2010

Pigface (who does not appear in this selection of tunes) sets the tone...

Between fiery arguments over immigration to Scott’s self-imposed exile amongst the close-but-oh-so-far-away ancestry, who isn’t fascinated with Mexico and parts beyond?

More “cultural” than neighboring Texas and twice as fun as “New” Mexico, Old Mexico is the land where anything can happen and usually does. When not providing a handy euphemism for oral sex, our South of the Border neighbors also provide visitors with quality entertainment like late night “donkey shows” and easy, anonymous abortions for their secretaries.

The advantageous exchange rate is also fun, allowing you to buy a year’s supply of Chicle for $5 and an entire policeman for $20.

So, prepare to hold tightly to your water supply and wallets as we head South of the Border for a fine selection of tunes reflecting the invigorating spirit of Latin America.

Rather just stay home? Lots to do right here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

Daddy Yankee – Gasolina.mp3
While I am not generally a fan of the reggaeton scene, this Daddy Yankee tracks stands out with its Puerto Rican jeepbeat approximations and its “once upon a time a thug went to a rave” combination of synth melodies and Casio-esque drum builds. It all adds up to something more dangerous than its pedigree would suggest.

If there’s another song out there that conjures up riding shotgun with Vic Mackey as well as this one does, I haven’t heard it yet.

Juno Reactor – Pistolero (Fluke’s Hang Em High Mix).mp3
Speaking up conjuring up images, Juno Reactor’s surprise hit brings to mind dry, dusty shootouts and the kind of bloodletting that gets someone’s aerated corpse tossed into the nearest shallow body of water/vehicle trunk. Of course, this conjuring goes a lot easier when your tune is showcased in a major motion picture trailer. (Starting about 1:17.)

Fluke shows up to add a few drops of Morricone into the mix and some nice synth pulses, which complement the tasty bits of acoustic guitar strumming and vocal samples perfectly.

 

Mighty Dub Katz – Magic Carpet Ride (Ulti-Mix).mp3
A classic track from one of Fatboy Slim’s many alter egos. It has nothing to do with Steppenwolf and everything to do with bass, mariachi horns and pasting smiles across the faces of dancin’ fools. And try not to be one of those once this starts rolling. You’ll just wish you’d had the foresight to pick up a sombrero or two earlier.

(Of course, you can always come back here after acquiring the proper headgear. We’re always open.)

Pixies – Vamos.mp3
Black Francis and his fabulous Pixies head straight at you like a bunch of aggressive mariachis, firing off mangled border “Spanglish” over Bonham-esque drums. As you reel back and eye the emergency exit’s ill-timed “No Passar” sign, one of the guitarists starts slinging jagged shards and steel slivers of distortion in your general direction, possibly taking out that eye you were just using.

Might as well just grab some good old American dolares and brace yourself. They’re not done yet. The pace never lets up and the guitar keeps on being slung (?). Might as well sit back and enjoy some beautiful bastardized lyrics, as Francis sends the song out “con mi sister in New Jersey” and theorizes that:

We’ll be well-bred
We’ll stay well-fed
We’ll have all sons
They will be all well-hung

The children play
Their friends all say
Your daddy’s rich
Your mama’s a pretty thing

Frank Black – Calistan.mp3
After all the bumped bass, faux pistol shots and musical beatdowns from street performers, it’s time to relax. A reprise of sorts, with former Pixies lead singer Frank Black taking us down a few hundred years of Californian history in under 4 minutes.

Laced with some evocative guitarwork and some heartbreaking piano accents, Calistan’s all nostalgia and displacement, which is in no way diminished by Black’s “white boy” historical perspective and pronunciations.

Used to be sixteen lanes
Used to be Nuevo Spain
Used to be Juan Wayne
Used to be Mes-i-co
Used to be Nava-joe
Used to be Yippy-yay-I-don’t-know

... and provides this coda.

-CLT

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Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 5 – The Third-Person Miracle of Childbirth or Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit

March 2, 2010

The pros refer to it as "Transverse Vaginal Adoption."

You may often find yourself overwhelmed by the problems of the world and ask yourself, “Self, how can just one person make a difference?” 

The truth is: you can’t. Not only can one person not make a difference but these persons should waste less time trying and/or asking pointless, rhetorical questions. 

The question may be even more troubling if you are a woman. But take heart: while it has been scientifically proven that there are any number of things women can’t do (become president; play pro basketball in a plausible fashion), it turns out that there are many things they can do (file sexual harassment suits; make less money; keep up with the laundry). 

In fact, there is one “job” that women are perfectly suited for: carrying a stranger’s child to term. 

Most, if not all of you, have experienced the small but heart stopping thrill of missing a period. As you backdate your one-night stands and attempt to put names to faces, you may have briefly entertained thoughts of raising the offspring of a near-stranger, whom you have nicknamed “Abercrombie,” thanks to the sweatshirt he left behind. 

There are childless couples all over the world who are unable to carry their own children to term for any number of reasons (botched appendectomy, a lifetime of drug abuse, curse from an angry God/gypsy). This is your opportunity to finally use your reproductive powers for good! 

Should you decide to aid these pitifully unfulfilled men and women by using your body as some sort of obstetrical petri dish, don’t worry: you will not need to have sex with the father. 

In fact, it’s probably better if you stop asking that question repeatedly in such desperate tones. The father-to-be, whose seed has frequently fallen on rocky soil (and even more frequently, on the shower floor) may be only too willing to take you up on your generous offer. 

No, your place is to provide a hospitable environment for the growing child. Think of your reproductive system as a home. While in the past, this “home” was often low-rent housing requiring no credit check, where nearly anybody could get in (and, consequently, often resulted in multiple “evictions” and “lock-changings”), it’s now time to upgrade to a lower-end condo at the minimum. 

Once the embryo is safely installed, you will now be ready to face the next challenge: a brand new set of parents! 

The barren couple you are pinch-hitting for will now have a focal point for their anxiety, frustration and self-hatred: you. 

Be prepared to give up all control of your life for the next nine months as your new “parents” decide everything for you, from your breakfast cereal (Total or Special K only) to your bedtime (earlier and earlier). They will be ceaselessly intrusive and have hundreds of pointers, tips and other advice for you to follow. 

Want to crank up some AC/DC while getting your morning coffee going?
Too bad! Instead you’ll be listening/watching Baby Mozart while sipping 100% organic chamomile tea! 

Looking forward to an easy, drug-filled delivery?
Not anymore! Say “hello” to a midwife-directed kiddie pool delivery attended by hundred of sandaled strangers! 

(Oh, and by the way, smoking crack to control birth weight is obviously no longer an option.) 

As the pressure from the expectant (but otherwise useless) biological parents combines with the tiring grind of hosting a parasite, you may soon find yourself looking for even a momentary escape from it all. 

ESCAPE TO SUNNY MEXICO!

 

Looking to get away? Disappear? Avoid extradition? 

Come to sunny MEXICO! 

Beautiful Mexico is home to a large number of beaches, resorts, bars and casinos! 

Take advantage of our favorable exchange rate and relaxed morality while enjoying our refreshing lack of invasive questions and potable water! 

Whether you’re looking to terminate a suddenly unwanted pregnancy or start a new family under an assumed name, Mexico has got you covered! 

See why millions of Americans are calling Mexico “the REAL land of opportunity!” 

Se habla espanol!

-CLT 

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Entrepreneur Magazine Presents: Best New Franchises of 2009

July 18, 2009

Entrepreneur Magazine has release their annual Franchise 500, spotlighting some new (and exciting!) players in the field of “running your own business for someone else.” Here are a few highlighted selections from the magazine’s editors and contributors.

"Well, I don't see how this could be taken the wrong way..."

"Well, I don't see how this could be taken the wrong way..."

Stop and Pop Fertility Clinics
Set up as a competitor for rival Kum & Go.

The Dreamweavery
Mall kiosk franchise, carrying “dreamweavers and shit,” according to founder Gary Wright.

Pimp My 10 Year Old
The tweens’ destination of choice for ass-writing, henna tramp stamps, training Wonderbras, and Little Debbie G-strings. All purchases come with a “pre-Friended” MySpace page.

Mr. Speedee’s Oil Changery and Add-on Shoppe
Our videotape-trained “mechanicians” will drain your oil, stripmine your vehicle of spare change and add inexplicable charges to your bill – all in under 15 minutes!

South of the Border
Overpriced knickknacks, many of them made by actual Mexicans, bring you all the fun of Mexico without the beggars, knife wounds, crippling diarrhea or favorable exchange rate. Our vendors are always thrilled to “play-haggle” and feign amusement at your clumsy cunnilingus jokes.

Another sexually precocious Yorkie deflowers your shoes.

Another sexually precocious Yorkie deflowers your shoes.

Yorkie Pride
Come paint yourself into a merchandising corner with this exciting new franchise! All yorkies, all the time! Our complimentary startup guide will help you answer many common questions, including:

  • Do you carry anything with weenie dogs?
  • Why not?
  • So, this calendar only contains Yorkies?
  • What possible function does your business serve?
  • What do you mean, “you’ll be late with the rent?” This is the mall, not some shithole studio apartment.

Barely Knit Togethers
High-priced cashmere fashions and handmade scarves. Savvy franchisees will start this business up during the Christmas season and shut down shortly after New Year’s Day, taking their profits and bolting before various disappointed sweater enthusiasts realize these goods will fall apart after a single washing. Additional tips provided on:

  • Early returns
  • How many complaints can be filed before the Better Business Bureau drops its endorsement (surprisingly few, actually)
  • Why some people will insist on pronouncing it “barley”

Blademasters
You may think this sword and blade store will give you the chance to rub shoulders with ex-Special Forces members, various Vietnam vets and trained ninja assassins. The reality, however, is that you will be constantly overrun with LARPers, Renaissance Fair rejects and hyper 10-year-old boys. Might as well open a comic book shop and sell the shit out of some “Magic” cards.

Lukewarm Topic
Take the “edge” off in this new boutique, featuring shirts and other gear with near-offensive slogans like “Son of a Beach,” Tyson Foods Breast Inspector,” “Hershey Highwayman,” and “Have you seen Mike Hunt?” Enjoy the soothing sounds of middle-of-the-road rock “artists” such as Nickelback, Rob Thomas and the grandfathers of punk, Green Day. Now nearly 80% emo-free!

Clandestine’s Pub
Meet your secretary, mistress or other “business associate” at our attractive and discreet restaurant with full-service bar. Available as a stand-alone eatery or take advantage of our partnership with Holiday Inn Express and their new hourly rates. All corporate billing and receipts will be labelled with your choice of “Applebees” or “TGIFriday’s” to allay any suspicions. VIP customers will also receive one (1) alibi-supporting phone call per visit.

Kiosk Kiosk
The first kiosk franchise to specialize in helping others get into the kiosk franchise business. Start with your friends and family to build an exponential Kiosk Kiosk network. Founder Rich De Vos says: “So meta, it’s probably illegal!”

OG’s Home Inventory System
Finally, a business that can be run from anywhere, even your SUV or van if needed. Throw surprise parties for homeowners that mix the unpredictability of Improv Everywhere with the adrenaline rush of Panic Room, with a little scavenger hunt excitement to boot! Some involuntary participants have referred to it as a “Tupperware party with guns” and “The most frightening half-hour of my life.”

Yeah, that looks like fun. Let's bring that magic to the public.

Yeah, that looks like fun. Let's bring that magic to the public.

Ye Olde Photo Shoppe
Not to be confused with the Adobe product of nearly the same name, Ye Olde Photo Shoppe combines the fun of family photography with the tedium of selecting costumes, dressing in costumes, arguing over who gets to wear what costume, selecting backdrops and spending 3 hours to take 20 minutes worth of photos. The children will also be thrilled to add new words to their vocabulary including: muzzle loader, petticoat, bowler and head lice.

Quick Pix Standalone Kiosk
Give local teens a jumpstart on drinking with this “passport photo” booth. Coin-operated and unable to tell right from wrong, this money-making booth is the closest thing to buying those kids the beer yourself. Although this will bring in the bucks, the real reward is seeing the smile on their drunken faces as they drive their vehicle through the front window and into your living room. Pro tip: couple with an unattended cigarette machine for more soul-sucking riches.

-CLT