Posts Tagged ‘Medicare’

h1

Highlights from the National Health Care Bill

September 7, 2009
From subparagraph 8(a) of section 109.8.1 - "...free muthafuckin pills, muthafucker..."

From subparagraph 8(a) of section 109.8.1 - "...free muthafuckin pills, muthafucker..."

As the debate rages on as to whether or not most of the US should get “free” health care, a few highlights (and let’s face it, some lowlights) have surfaced from the beleaguered bill. Feel free to take a closer look at all the “free” health care you’ll be paying for.

Oh, and thank the higher tax brackets for working their ass off, only to be rewarded with yet another screwing thanks to good old American entitlement. Thanks for “taking one for the team,” guys. You rock the most!

• Three tiers – Skip the Line ($$$$), Fucked ($$$), Truly Fucked ($$)

• Self-inflicted wounds no longer eligible for co-pay

• E.R. now only open 10AM – 7PM. Please plan accordingly.

Cash for Clunkers! Family members with terminal illnesses and/or outdated views on life can be “traded in” for credit on future health care.

• Non-compliant companies to be subjected to Paul Krugman’s printed wrath with inevitable comparisons to Reaganomics and deficit spending (former Republican presidents only).

• After “polling” the “electorate” in various clubs and hotel rooms, breast implants are now considered a “necessary” medical procedure. Implant removal will only be covered if being “exchanged for a larger size.”

• Useless government employees health plans to remain unchanged (full coverage via taxpayer “donation”).

• Use of influential ad agencies to redraw Medicare and Social Security visualizations in an effort to eliminate the pyramid-shaped flow chart wherein current taxpayers are gouged to pay for those no longer working. (Suggestions: Get rid of the angles. Circles or ovals?)

President to appear “deeply concerned” (Expression D) whenever questioned about health care plan. Should take care not to appear “flustered” (Expression B) or “pissed off” (Expression C).

• “Band Aid Requisition Form” to be trimmed down to 3 pages.

• Sufferers of common STDs to be routed to VA/military hospitals due to their massive amount of previous experience.

• Ride-Share program for government-supplied wheelchairs.

• Upgraded software will allow government to reject claims 30% faster than private insurance companies.

• Health care plan to be renamed “ObamaCare” once bill repealing presidential term limits passes House.

From opening statement of subsection 383.12: "... will hereby appoint Hunter S. Thompson as 'Prescription Czar' (see list of demands in appendix 330)..."

From opening statement of subsection 383.12: "... will hereby appoint Hunter S. Thompson as 'Prescription Czar' (see list of demands in appendix 330)..."

• Third Monday in November to be “National Take Your Influenza to Work Day.”

• Smokers to continue “taking it in the ass, legislatively speaking.”

• In cooperative effort with the National School Board, a “Staying Calm, Staying Healthy” initiative will provide public schools with Ritalin-laced milk (Vitamin R).

• Co-pay includes $3 contribution to Presidential Re-Election Campaign Fund, if for no other reason than nobody has ever checked it voluntarily on their 1040’s.

• Taxpayers referred to in documents as “renewable source of income.”

• Construction of 1.7 million square feet of new waiting rooms will add 35,000 new jobs.

• Government to reclaim 4.5 million acres of forestland to handle “massive increase” in paperwork.

• Unpopular “death panels” to be replaced with unpopular “roving death squads.”

• Addition of “strongly worded notice to Canada to improve their national health care so as not to undermine our plan by comparison.” The wording continues with a pledge to “level the playing field as soon as possible, so stop border-jumping every time you need a heart transplant or anything else requiring quick, competent health care.”

• Diabetes sufferers to begin needle-sharing.

• Over 700 employees to return to work in iron lung manufacturing.

• Ad execs also called upon to create a better slogan than the current front-runner: “Like the DMV with shots!

• Employment-related drug screening to be recategorized as follows:

  • Pre-employment (Pass) – “Job created
  • Pre-employment (Fail) – “Bush legacy
  • Random drug test (Pass) – “Job saved
  • Random drug test (Fail) – “Job (blown save)

• False sense of entitlement expanded to cover middle class, which had mostly been ignored to this point.

-CLT

Advertisements
h1

Letters to the Editor

August 14, 2009
Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

In our endless efforts to collect as much useless information as possible, our research team at Fancy Plans has compiled the letters to the editor from nearly 300 major newspapers (including AP, those litigious motherfuckers). After several days of sifting data and making shit up, the final tallies rolled in.

We now present you with the most common topics for letters to the editor, listed in order from most common to least common. There’s no need to thank us. Your slightly drunken smiles are all the payment our abused interns need.

Questioning periodical’s political leanings
Abortion rights (against)
Abortion rights (for)
Low voter turnout
Gun control (for)
Gun control (against)
Gun control (undecided)
Gay marriage (against)
Gay marriage (for)
Gay marriage announcements

Taxes (too high)
Taxes (too low – gasoline)
Taxes (too low – cigarettes)
Taxes (too low – porn)
Taxes (drunken rambling about the price of cigarettes and porn)
Taxes (pro-Tea Party)
Taxes (anti-Tea Party)
Taxes (Biggest and Best State evar!) 

How the old days were better
Reckless driving (teens)
Reckless driving (elderly)
Calls for a four-way intersection to be installed directly in front of writer’s house
Why did the library stop “renting” videotapes?

City councilman baiting 

Oil prices too high
Oil prices too low (Al Gore; Prius dealers only)
Why ethanol is a waste of money
Why ethanol is the best thing since overpriced produce

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

Congratulations for all involved at poorly-attended local event
Complaints about low turnout at poorly-attended local event
Why “X” needs more public money for “Y”
Why property taxes need to be raised
Public school suxx
Public school roxx
Public school = free babysitting!

Complaints about public’s ignorance of obscure nationality-specific quasi-holiday
Inappropriate language in PG movie
Inappropriate language at local baseball game
Inappropriate language at Denny’s

Conspiracy theories (birth certificate)
Conspiracy theories (Sept. 11)
Conspiracy theories (Billy Mays + Freemasons + U.N. + Grand Theft Auto IV = Four Horseman of the Apocalypse)
Conspiracy theories (My two apartment neighbors are stealing my paper, alternating days)

Astroturf grab bag

Church attendance (too low)
Church attendance (too high – c’mon folks, chip in. The folding chairs won’t pay for themselves.)
Utility bills (too high)
Utility bills (conspiracy theory crossovers)
Utility infielder (Mark Bellhorn)

Disagreements about Top 50 Songs of the New Millennium (misdirected from Spin magazine?)
Griping about lack of support for piss poor local team
Unruly zoo animals
Lists of platitudes
Drunken tirades
Inexplicable defenses of Liz Taylor; Diana Ross

Medicare Plan B not covering brand name medication, 14K Gold MedicAlert bracelets, Enzyte
Medicare Plan B not covering jack shit, apparently
I’m sorry. Could you speak up? I’m a little hard of hearing.

The bad service the writer got at local business no one gives a shit about
Not enough handicapped parking spaces at local business no one gives a shit about
Owner of local business that no one gives a shit about defending lack of parking spaces, jackass employees and begging people to please, please, please start giving a shit

Concern about lack of coverage given to issue near and dear to only the writer
Irritable letter displaying the writer’s false sense of entitlement
Pointlessly bitchy letter in response to large number of recent pointlessly bitchy letters
Wandering, pointless letters about cats, landscaping issues, Mad Dog 20/20, etc.
Letter from Mom (put in wrong envelope)

Well written, thought-provoking letters

-CLT