Posts Tagged ‘MC Hammer’

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The Fancy Plans Guide to Rock & Roll Vol. 12

December 5, 2009

It’s been awhile since the last volume of the never-ending Guide to Rock & Roll. The last time we gathered to enjoy libelous tales of the has-beens and never-weres of the rock world, we tackled only requests. This time around there isn’t a request to be found. It’s not because I don’t take requests. It’s more likely due to my scattershot posting schedule, shortened attention span and mandatory attendance of several premature funerals for rock and roll.

At this point, Oates knew the relationship was over, both with Hall and MTV itself.

Hall & Oates
1/2 moustache, 1/2 blond, Hall & Oates epitomized 80’s pop in a way few others did, except possibly Wham!, whom they were often confused with. The parallel chart success of this pair of duos saw tanned and well-rested men jousting for the affection (and money) of “the ladies.”

They deployed every weapon imaginable, including smoldering good looks (Wham!, Hall & Oates), short shorts (Wham!), moustaches (Oates) and prolific hitmaking, all despite being saddled with an underperforming partner (Andrew Ridgley, John Oates).

Once their made-for-VH1 meteoric rises and falls were over (“falls” being more accurate, especially when handcuffed to “meteoric” by some hack blogger), it became apparent that only one band was truly in it for “the ladies.” (Not Wham!) However, the information came too late to affect anything more than their respective solo careers (except for Andrew Ridgley, who ran down today’s specials for me at the local Outback).

George hid his anger well, but he had specifically told Paul to dry his guitar on "Delicate."

George Harrison
Known as the “fifth Beatle,” after being displaced by Yoko Ono and Linda McCartney, respectively, Harrison nonetheless had a successful and prolific solo career which spanned over 20 years. Famed for his combination of psychedelia and folk rock, Harrison proved that there is life beyond the Beatles (although not so much for Lennon) and enjoyed some chart success (although not as much as Paul McCartney, who was upgraded to “The Only Beatle”).

In addition to his musical contributions, Harrison was also known for:

  • Not being Ringo.
  • Not shoving his vegan ideals down his touring bands’ throats.
  • Impressive facial hair.
  • Being slightly smaller than Jesus.

Human League shortly before their defeat at the hands of Tyrell Corp.'s More Human Than Human League.

Human League
As one of the forerunners of the New Romantic movement, Britain’s Human League found itself defending its turf (and pedigree) against all comers, including the Anti-Nowhere League, the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and the newly-minted (and freshly dead) Zombie Nation.

They enjoyed a seven-year run on top of the musical heap before succumbing to hair metal, synthpop backlash and internal wrangling (which is not so much a reference as an indication that more people should be listening to Clinic).

As the band slowly fell apart, their legacy lived on with multiple appearances on 80’s compilation and the Grand Theft Auto:Vice City soundtrack, which would mark the only time 50 million people purchased the (Keep Feeling) Fascination single, which came bundled with a lawsuit-baiting, open-world murder simulator.

Iron Butterfly, featuring (clockwise from top) Guy Pearce, Matthew Broderick, Steve Zahn and Steve Coogan.

Iron Butterfly
Known for a single track (In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida) which spanned three albums due to the space limitations of vinyl. Their monstrous hit song was one of the first singles to “go platinum,” albeit in a stripped-down three-minute version, which trimmed off nearly 90 minutes of psychedelic excess.

The track’s title (loosely translated by Hooked on Phonics as “In the Garden of Eden“) was a staple of their live shows, thanks to its sprawling length, which gave each band member a chance to dick around while their audience members retrieved their drugs, took their drugs or purchased more drugs.

During their brief heyday, the average Iron Butterfly set list looked like this:

1. Intro
2. In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida
Encore (In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida [reprise])

Having paved the way for mainstream awareness of psychedelic hard rock, Iron Butterfly abruptly lost all relevance and faded into obscurity, leaving behind an overwrought back catalog, which proved useful for seed-and-stem sorting.

As his music career faded, Rick James hit the tour circuit as a Whoopi Goldberg impersonator.

Rick James
Rick James (born Dave Chappelle) took the late ’70s funk scene by storm with his hit single Superfreak, which set the stage for the brief flareout of a “career” that was the Reverend MC Hammer. Following his own blueprint for brief success followed by spectacular failure, James made some runs at chart success with a few other, less sample-worthy singles before deciding to follow his true calling: drug addiction.

After joining nearly every other musician ever in eventual irrelevance, Rick James briefly lifted his head from the dusted mirror to release an album in the mid-’90s, approximately 15 years after anyone gave a shit. Unable to produce the “skills” to pay the “legal bills,” James returned to obscurity and blow, taking with him his talent (which at this point was as weak as the 3/4-baby laxative blend “coke,” whose possession resulted in immediate arrest).

-CLT

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NIMF Presents: Blacklisted Video Games

June 17, 2009

The National Institute on Media and Family presents their 2009 list of games that no one should be allowed to play along with a list of hyperbolic adjectives and recommended alternates. If you’ve got a youngster whose mellow you’d like to harsh, just follow the suggestions below:

O.J.'s scenario for how he might have done it was more horrible than anyone could have imagined

O.J.'s scenario for how he might have done it was more horrible than anyone could have imagined

If I Did It
Reenact the Simpson/Goldman murders and subsequent low-speed getaway. Combines the visceral thrill of any quality “murder simulator” with the tedious realism of Penn & Teller’s Desert Bus.

Recommended instead:
The Hunt for the Real Killers – Enjoy a relaxing round of golf with your caddy, former NFL running back, O.J. Simpson.

Guitar Hero: Masters of Backmasking
For experts only! Play all of your favorite rock tracks backward. As the challenge level increases, so do the exhortations to kill your parents, friends, family pets, television, and idols.

Recommended instead:
Acoustic Guitar Hero: Al DiMeola

World of Warcraft: Intervention
New additions like Level 80 Horse Armor translates to hours of thankless grinding, urinating into MTN Dew bottles and locking the infants in the closet. Additional bonus content includes: in-game eBay access (spending real money on fake stuff) and Gold Farm Startup Kit (Korean teenager not included).

Recommended instead:
Cubicle Farm– Put mindless repetition to productive use by filing work orders, filling out office supply requests in triplicate, surreptitiously updating your MySpace page and carrying around a clipboard (Look of Busyness +3)

Careful. While the other three may try to distract you with their 3-part caterwauling, Gene Simmons is in the kitchen schtupping your mother...

Careful. While the other three may try to distract you with their 3-part caterwauling, Gene Simmons is in the kitchen schtupping your mother...

KISS Saves Christmas
Despite their temporary acronym change to “Knights in Santa’s Service,” the boys in KISS still wear their ridiculous garb while touting many traditions based on ancient pagan religions (Christmas trees, gift giving, slaughtering the firstborn male).

Recommended instead:
Nothing. Sit there and enjoy your new sweater, Bobby. Millions of children get no Christmas presents at all. They’re called Jews.

Mortal Kombat: Bloodletting
Featuring 64 kombatants and brand new fatalities including: waterboarding, dirty bomb, e. coli, wrath of God, Colombian necktie, heroin overdose, Drew Peterson, office rampage.

Recommended instead:
Moral Kombat – Don the Armor of the Lord (Judging +4; INT -35) to defeat sin (well, sinners actually). Wage battle against Hindus, Krishnas, Muslims, Gays, the Hilton family, Disney Corp., the liberal media, video game publishers, Obama, the authors of the Sweet Valley High series, Harry Potter: Witch, the Osborne family, Mormons, backsliding Baptists and Judy Blume.

Boom Blox
Set off chain reactions due to inadequate explosives training in this addicting “blowing shit up” simulator. Can you finish the game with all ten fingers?

Recommended instead:
Bomberman 2000It’s you vs. the abortion mills. Protest the killing of fetuses by killing full-grown human beings. Not specifically endorsed by any major fundamental branch of Christianity per se, but not really condemned either.

Pvt. Cent heads to war, visions of cap-busting dancing in his delightful head

Pvt. Cent heads to war, visions of cap-busting dancing in his delightful head

50 Cent: Blood on the Sand
The incredibly true story of 50 Cent’s G-Unit, a crack team of crack dealers who singlehandedly ended the war in Iraq. Retrace their footsteps as they battle through the Middle Eastern cliche country of Turbania. (Note: the government has disavowed all knowledge of Mr. Cent’s military activities and multi-platinum chart success. Except about three hours into the office Christmas party, where you may find them “in da club.”)

Recommended instead:
Hammertime!– A subparMario Bros. ripoff featuring pants enthusiast MC Hammer. Harmless platforming action. Recommended because a.) Hammer sporadically claims to be a Christian and b.) he really, really, really needs the money.

Typing of the Dead
A supposedly instructional typing tutor based on the no-frills “zombie headshot simulator,” House of the Dead. Also somewhat based on Uwe Boll’s House of the Dead, a feature-length cutscene of a movie that only works when it is gaming Germany’s public funding for the arts.

Recommended instead:
Mavis Beacon Teaches Internet Typing LOL– Covers: emoticons, saying “you suck” in 34 languages, LOL variations, commonly misspelled words and how to misspell them, apostrophe and quotation mark free-for-all, U=You and other recent discoveries.

Postal
Despite its accurate portrayal of the humble mail carrier and his day-to-day battles with dogs, marching bands, mall patrons, “save the something” protesters and a rogue Gary Coleman, the main concern is the level of necessary violence needed to complete the game. There is also the taint of Uwe Boll to be considered.

Recommended instead:
Write your grandmother a letter. She’d love to hear from you. No, not an email. An honest-to-goodness handwritten letter. Use this stamp. No, wait. These are no good anymore. Nope. Not these either. Maybe… Here. Use two of these 1-cent stamps, this 33-cent stamp and part of this dollar bill. Tape it on good. Don’t you feel better?

Tetris
This addicting puzzle game comes to us courtesy of the USSR Gaming Collective. While the enjoyment factor is high, the many levels of subtext work together with young peoples’ fertile minds to destroy the remaining fabric of American society. The constant dropping of “blocks” symbolizes the Communists’ wish to wall their subjects off from the rest of the world. The fact that certain blocks disappear after lining them up indicates that Communism will always be less than the sum of its parts (at best) and (at worst) a harbinger of the mass genocide and “disappearances” of large amounts of their population during Stalin’s lifetime.

Recommended instead:
Lincoln Logs. All-American goodness. Named after our 2nd-most famous assassinated president. You know, the one without the ridiculous Oliver Stone biopic. Build cabins, walls, roofs, watch the dog eat them. Fun for all ages (except three and under).

-CLT