Posts Tagged ‘Lists’

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A Day in the Life of a Blogger

January 19, 2010
Ted's license plate indicated that he liked to be punched in the face repeatedly.

Ted's license plate indicated that he liked to be punched in the face repeatedly.

AFK temporarily. Here’s a blast from the past. (Originally published May 8, 2009.)
-CLT

8:07 am – Shortly after arriving at work, a co-worker says something particularly inane. You say to yourself, (or so you think) “That’s going in the blog, douche.”

Your co-worker asks, “What did you say?” You cover quickly, “I said I have a lot of work. To do. Over where…I do my work. Douche.”

Good save! Publish.

9:19 am – You decide to play chicken with the economy by writing a long diatribe on the inept management at your thinly disguised company.

I work for a large and evil software corporation whose products are nearly as omnipresent as Windows on houses.

Sneaky! Publish.

10:01 am – First break. The local food jobber’s circular contains some extraneous quotation marks. You mercilessly point this out.

Burn! Publish.

11:13 am – While theoretically working, you stumble across a Jesse McCartney fan site curated by a 12-year old girl. You rip the site creator to shreds in the comments, questioning their intelligence, correcting their grammar and suggesting her parents needed a better brand of birth control.

You then head to your blog to add a post ripping the site creator to shreds, questioning their intelligence and speculating on her family tree. You add a link to your post connecting you back to your original incisive comments.

Self-fulfilling! Publish.

12:31 pm – You read an article in the local newspaper about a horrific case of child abuse. You figure if anyone can find the “funny” in this story, you can. Too soon?

Never! Publish.

1:45 pm– You run across a great article on HuffPo. You add a couple of sentences and drop in a few F-bombs.

Original! Publish.

2:30 pm – You duck out of work early and head to the mall. You score a new hat.

Bonus! Publish.

3:12 pm – Some junk mail arrives with your name misspelled.

Idiots! Publish.

3:16 pm – Your electric bill has gone up for the second straight month! You rant about the electric company, their founders, the current political climate, the “man” in general and question the sexual orientation of all involved.

Outrage! Publish.

3:56 pm– You give an online phisher some key bank account information with the hopes that this will turn into a long series of investigative posts and prepare to go all Internet Batman on their asses.

Stay tuned! Publish.

4:41 pm– Even though a million bloggers have written a million words on the RIAA’s rampant jackassery, you see no reason it shouldn’t be 1,000,927.

Skewer! Publish.

5:17 pm – During your court-ordered stint with the Boys and Girls Club, some teenagers make some cutting remarks about your archaic slang and mock your love of 90’s alternative rock. Now you know what’s wrong with today’s youth. Everything!

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw! Publish.

6:11 pm – You make a particularly cutting remark to your (soon to be ex) girlfriend about her choice of outerwear. Her reaction is priceless.

Zing! Publish.

7:01 pm– Your evening plans of whiskey and XBox are interrupted by a bicycle-riding door-to-door religion salesman. After a scintillating conversation, wherein you agree to disagree, you barricade the door and blog about the many problems with organized religion.

Your post? Praying to solve a problem is only slightly less useless than blogging about it.

Goddamned! Publish.

8:03 pm– In a shameless effort to grab page views, you begin randomly tagging your posts with these selections: fake boobs, real boobs, fuck you, octomom, personal lubrication, Susan Boyle, mp3, Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, free money, Nickelback sucks, conficker, swine flu, naked photos and Humor.

Your posts, of course, contain none of these things.

Zeitgeisted! Publish.

9:29 pm – While cutting through the park on the way to your weed dealer, you come across three dogs going at it in a way that would embarrass German porn stars. After three or four bong hits, you find a way to connect it to an otherwise uneventful day at work.

Dog eat dog eat dog! Publish.

10:17 pm– After drinking alone for several hours, you consider drunk-dialing your estranged girlfriend. Instead you decide to go all Charles Bukowski and rant semi-poetically about what bullshit relationships are. Chicks only dig assholes.

Fuck spellcheck! Publish.

11:30 pm – Buzzed up and hungry, you head to the local convenience store for some snacks. Your bank card is turned down and the clerk seems distracted by muffled yells originating from the stockroom. You return home empty-stomached and angry.

The bank will hear about this in the morning, but the Internet will hear about it tonight!

Bullshit! Publish.

12:08 am– Having exhausted any good ideas, you bang out a hyperbolic rundown of the day’s events and shove it into the blogosphere. After hitting F5 on the Dashboard a few times, you head to bed.

Pointless! Publish.

Tip of the cap to the many blogs that keep me entertained on a daily basis:
Sick Days
Stop Annoying Me
Fundamental Jelly
Prison Diary…
The Problem with Young People Today Is…
Your Religion Is False

-CLT

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The Fancy Plans Emergency Room Survey

November 12, 2009
emergency-room

"Please plan your emergency accordingly."

Across the U.S., the Emergency Room has become the go-to service for anything from “lightheadedness” to compound fractures. As many, many people continue to use this as an Urgent Care center whose bills you can ignore, the list of ailments and injuries associated with E.R. visits has grown exponentially, from the expected (sucking chest wound) to the ridiculous (really painful hangnail).

This list is culled from the logs of emergency rooms across the nation, in an attempt to educate the public as to why their medical insurance no longer covers a trip to the E.R.

  • Kneecapping
  • Rectal insertion (animate)
  • Rectal insertion (inanimate)
  • Aqua Net poisoning
  • Explosive hypochondria
  • Sticker shock
  • Tricky dick
  • Grandmother’s taser wounds
  • Tasered by grandmother
  • “Accidental ingestion of pepper spray. In the eyes.”
  • “Trick knee acting up.”
  • Hooker’s gash
  • “Old rap battle wound acting up.”
  • Boredom
  • Complications from informal eating contest
  • Stubbed toe
  • Dislocation of self
  • “Overdosed on… um… life!”
  • Scurvy
  • Complications from botched bank robbery
  • Masturbator’s wrist
  • Axe Body Spray-related mauling
  • Soccer game (attendee)
  • Intestinal knocking
  • “Grill” repair
  • somnambulism
  • Vapor lock
  • Jodie Foster-related shooting
  • Scheduled internal organ balance and rotation
  • Broken heart (“Awwww… Clear!!!”)
  • Carradined
  • “Fell down a sack of doorknobs.”
  • Forgot safety word
  • “Fucked with bull. Got horns.”
  • “Recessive gene acting up.”
  • Insurance fraud
  • Teenager’s lament
  • Lonely
  • ‘Rhoid rage
  • Blog material
  • “Felt the need to be ignored/misdiagnosed.”
  • Blown mind
  • Irritable asshole syndrome
  • “Wasn’t actually ready for some football.”
  • Complete cyborg rebuild.
  • “Drew short straw.”
  • First-period period.
  • “Always thought rock beat scissors until I was stabbed with scissors.”
  • “Rock does beat scissors, especially when you get beaten with a rock. You should see the other guy! Oh. You are seeing the other guy.”
  • Combination of stab wounds, abrasions and paper cuts

-CLT

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Sometimes a Half-Assed Notion

October 26, 2009
A rare woodcut of a blogging pioneer carefully drawing a blank.

A rare woodcut of a blogging pioneer carefully drawing a blank.

Sometimes a great idea will slap me upside the head, mostly unbeckoned. Other times, something will inspire me to track that fucker down and slap him around myself.

This collection of misfits fit into neither of those categories. These incomplete posts are the result of my brain deciding to toss out an idea and then head somewhere else for the next several hours, relegating it to a half-empty sheet of paper with no possible function.

I’ve been carrying these around in my notebook for a good six weeks+ at this point, so I’ve decided to dump them on the blog, if for no other reason than I can throw these sheets out and move on.

We’ll call it closure. You can call it whatever you like. Please hold your comments until the end of the post. Thank you. 

 

Two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers check on their relocated promise rings.

Two-thirds of the Jonas Brothers check on their relocated promise rings.

 

The Disney Channel’s Fall Season Update

  • The cast from High School Musical heads to college! Catch the all-new spin-offs: Devry School Musical and Safety School Musical!
  • In a 2-hour season premiere, the Jonas Brothers exchange promise rings for cock-rings!
  • Keep an eye on Miley Cyrus as her C-list celebrity dad shows up for a variety of “Special Guest” shots in small parts, including Miley Cyrus’ dad, the janitor, a steroid salesman and the sketchy dude who’s always hanging around the parking lot. 
 
 

And as you can see from slide #192, there are a hell of a lot of numbers on it...

And as you can see from slide #192, there are a hell of a lot of numbers on it...

Quarterly Productivity Report for Associated Electronics Mfg., Inc.

  • Staring blankly at productivity reports – +78%
  • Employee internet usage – +1,200%
  • Average employee BAC – 0.06
  • Red wires cut – 8,100
  • Blue wires cut – 11,005
  • Red wires cut at the last second, after nearly deciding to cut blue wire – 3,412
  • Number of failed team-building retreats – 4
  • Number of lives lost on said retreats – 2
  • Most common workplace injuries:
    Prolapsed rectum
    Misplaced fingers
    Slacker’s elbow
    Suicide attempt
    Toilet seat herpes
    “Attempted to use body as ground wire”
    “Something in my eye”
    “No, I mean something in my good, non-glass eye!”
     
 

I will be shopping the fuck out of this place.

I will be shopping the fuck out of this place.

 

My Post-Lottery Jackpot To Do List

  • Top hats, monocles and tuxes with tails. Massive facial reconstruction to achieve that ultimate sign of fuck-you money: looking like the Monopoly guy. Goodbye chin and healthy posture!
  • Related: hotel the fuck out of Park Place and Broadway.
  • Start series of seminars dealing with how to throw money around responsibly (including which seminars to blow your hard-earned cash on).
  • Pretend to read up on the capital gains tax; allow government to “break it off in me” every April.
  • Commission a Frank Gehry doghouse. Also, buy a dog.
  • Buy my way into the reference book racket so every time I make up a word, it’s now a perfectly legal word. (Hello, “cuntacular!”)
  • Build an extensive group of homeless/tax shelters. 
 

If you'll just give me a moment to speak with my advisor...

If you'll just give me a moment to speak with my advisor...

 

Predictions for the Next Decade

  • RIAA, ASCAP and the MPAA assume every person is stealing music and movies; move forward with Congress-approved plan to garnish wages from 150 million employed Americans.

Ah. That’s refreshing! I should totally do this again sometime, except without all the wasted effort.

Here’s one last thought: I love the NFL but never discuss it within the hallowed Fancy Plans pages for one simple reason: the possibility of having to use the words “nickel back” in a positive fashion.

-CLT

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The Presidents of Harvard University Vol. 2 – The Next Hundred Years (Very Approximately)

October 20, 2009
America's most prestigious university always reminds its students to sound difficult words out.

America's most prestigious university always reminds its students to sound difficult words out.

In case you’re playing catch-up, you can check out the beginning of this glorious (and fact-free) page in history here in The First Hundred Years.

If you’ve been playing along since the beginning, please mark spot “N-45.” This is your bonus free space.

Without further preamble, Fancy Plans presents Vol. 2 in the remarkable history of Harvard’s presidents, taking you on an aplomb-laden journey through the “Pyrite Age” of Crimson history.

9. Edward Holyoke 1737-1769*
Holyoke brought in a new wave of old school corporal punishment during his unprecedented 33-year deathgrip on the top spot. Underclassmen began to fear for their lives as hazing was not only encouraged, but made mandatory. Many requested transfers to schools with less stringent hazing techniques, like Rutgers and UC-Santa Barbara.

Holyoke’s downfall and eventual lynching was the result of his insistence on bare-bottom paddling, which put Harvard in the sights of another crippling class action lawsuit. The court found in favor of the red-bottomed underclassmen (as it often does) and sentenced Holyoke to “death by angry locals.” “Affectionately” known as “Ed Banger.”
*Official cause of death listed as “waiting to inhale.”

10. Samuel Locke 1770-1773
Four years was all it took for Samuel Locke to leave nary a mark on this hallowed institution, having enacted no major (or minor) reforms, rule changes, raids on Yale or catastrophic scandals. Often attributed hazily with coining the phrases “Don’t rock the boat” and “No, thanks. I’ll just sit quietly here in the back until the board meeting is over, if that’s ok with everybody.” Affectionately known as “Current Occupant.”

11. Samuel Langdon 1774-1780
Langdon is recognized as the first Harvard president to fully take advantage of a dangerously underage Congress, having lobbied his way into its heart and parts beyond shortly after its formation in September of 1774. Once firmly ensconced in the legislative body of the U.S., Langdon took care to have himself and his university “grandfathered” in (but not in a sexual way, of course) before most of the Constitution and Bill of Rights was enacted or amended.

He secured several large donations from various congressional bills and was often seen trumpeting his success by dangling his funding in front of various Yalies and yelling, “That’s right, pretty boys! Who’s well-endowed now?” Known affectionately as “Shaft.”

12. Joseph Willard 1781-1804*
Willard spent 14 fruitless years trying to match the successes of his predecessor, Samuel “Shaft” Langdon, the strain of which caused him to shorten his life drastically through a series of suicide attempts. This fruitless strain was further compounded by Langdon not having the decency to die in office like so many presidents before him. 

Langdon would often show up late in the evening, drunk on his own success and a combination of grain alcohol and horehound extract. These late night visits often ended with Langdon passing out in the elderberry bushes and Willard hitting a non-vital organ with his musket loader. Affectionately known as “Not Well-Endowed at All, Are We JW? Hahahahahaha!!! *vomit*”
*Died in office in an office supply mishap involving a malfunctioning moveable press prototype and perfectly functioning muzzle loader.

13. Samuel Webber 1806-1810*
Although Webber was responsible for several additions to both the student housing and professorial quarters (most notably, a much larger billiards room for the president’s office to complement the 6-lane bowling alley), he is now mainly known for not being “that guy” many people are thinking of, including:

  • the dictionary guy (Webster)
  • the grill guy (Weber)
  • that little guy (Webster)
  • that weird scout rank (Webelos)
  • that composer guy (Andrew Lloyd)
  • that previous president (Willard)

Affectionately known as “Samuel Webster.”
*Died in office due to an obituary misprint in the local paper, which Webber spent several years fighting, often in a “still living” capacity.

14. John Thornton Kirkland 1810-1828
J.T., as he was affectionately known, led the Harvard Crimson to several sports titles, including  battlechess, coxswaining, motocross, skullboning, contract bridge, narwhal hunting, Yale frosh-knifing, strip badminton and quarters. His willingness to take a “hands on” approach to coaching led to unparalleled success and several parental lawsuits. “Coach Knight” (as he was affectionately known) gave the once pasty face of Harvard Athletics the black eye it needed to “toughen up” and “take it one game at a time.”

As the new-look athletics department drew heavy coverage from the local papers, “The Ragin’ Cajun'” (affectionately a.k.a.) insisted on handling every post-game interview and is credited with the invention of the non-sensical character string which is used to denote horrendous, paint-peeling obscenities. Here’s one of its earliest usages:

Captain Kirk, as he is affectionately known, responded to this journalist’s query of “Dost thou think your coxswaining crew is yearning for the rough caress of the playoffs?” with a string of profanities, the likes of which I will try to reproduce here:

JK: Did you watch the same %^&$ race I did?? Did you?? You need to have your %^&#@ing head examined and your #@#%ing eyes as well, you piece of pen-scratching $#$%! Ask something else! Any of you %^##suckers have something even partially %^^#$ing relevant to ask? Anyone! Jesus !$@#.

Affectionately known as “Thornton ‘Van’ Wilder.”

15. Josiah Quincy 1829-1845
Quincy became known for his outlandish behavior as head of Harvard, insisting on hours-long meals every evening consisting of several courses and accompanied by his hand-picked musicians, who would often wander off somewhere deep into the E chord for 20-30 minutes at a time. Though many were impressed with the breadth of his culinary tastes and the skilfulness of the musicians, others were “turned off” by the lack of restraint and endless jamming exhibited.

Quincy would often track down those who “lacked proper taste” and lecture them endlessly on the inspiration that results when big ideas meet virtuoso musicians. This was also accompanied by his talented and meandering musicians, whose improvisations often were hailed as “breathtaking” and “grandly masturbatorial.”

Sadly, Quincy’s theatrical ideas failed to carry on once he left Harvard and he gradually became a balding lead singer/drummer in a terrible soft-rocking pop ensemble that outlived its usefulness by several years. Affectionately known as either “King Crimson” or “The Broadway Lamb.”
*If only he had died in office…

-CLT

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New From the Fancy Plans Press

October 6, 2009

 

IKEA's online shopping assistant said, "Just toss them on the floor."

IKEA's online shopping assistant said, "Just toss them on the floor."

Living on Pennies per Year: The Homeopathic Guide to Budgeting

Borrow This Book! The Fairly Essential Handbook for Mild Mannered Revolutionaries and Conscience-Ridden Kleptomaniacs

Strunk & White’s The Elements of Texting

So You Want to Be a Journalist: Making the Most of Your Last-Minute Major in the New Millennium

Covers such essential ground as: suing Google, suing blog hosting, suing bloggers, erecting paywalls, insulting your readers’ intelligence, cranky bitching, etc.
(Future installments may include: investigative techniques, finding reliable sources, working with your reader base, actual journalism, etc.)

Sharing is Stealing: Child-Rearing Advice from Parents in the Music Industry

  • Why every child needs their own set of toys
  • Nothing says “Happy Birthday” like writing our a check to cover performance royalties
  • Keep that radio turned down, dammit! (That check for performance royalties is coming out of your allowance, mister.)
  • Illegal downloading is “wack,” or so says relevant actress Alicia Silverstone
  • How would you like it is some came and took all of your toys and did whatever they wanted with them? I mean, you would still have your toys, but like they took an exact copy of your toys. For free. And then they enjoyed your toys themselves or shared them with their friends and didn’t even pay you for, well, not exactly taking your toys, I guess… Let me start over. You have toys that you paid for. Someone else wants to use your toys. Again, not your actual toys, but an exact copy of them and they wouldn’t have to pay for them… I mean, you paid for your toys so it’s not fair that they don’t pay for their set. People should pay for stuff because stuff costs money. Even though you don’t play with all your toys… because like every set of 14 or 15 toys only has about 1 or 2 toys that you even play with more than once… Sharing is stealing! I don’t need to explain this!

Growing Up in the Shadows: Solange Knowles in Her Own Tweets

  • someone just keeps pollinating my days…:)))))))))) and clever notes to sprinkle a little more beautimous and awesomery energy my way:)
  • Star and triangle shaped iced cubes! Why do I get a big kick out of things like this???
  • Can’t believe movie was sold out!!! Uber sad faces.
  • @xdaniel lol. I speak greatly about my hood. I love Houston lookn ass girl.

One World, One Village: The Young Person’s Guide to Co-Opting Other Cultures

  • Bob Marley’s Greatest Hits and you’re in, mon. Especially if you’re holding.
  • The keffiyeh and other essential gear for the pretentious twat
  • White boys & rap; or Eminem: groundbreaking fluke?

The Naive Tourists Guide to Staying the Fuck Out of Trouble: East Coast Edition

  • New Jersey – officially off-limits
  • Emergency plans including “Roll up the windows!” “Lock the doors!” and “Floor it!” (includes helpful tips gleaned from Bonfire of the Vanities)
  • Winning 3-card monte strategies
  • How to buy drugs without looking like a narc (for instance: “Can I possibly trouble you fellows for some narcotics?” is completely wrong and possibly deadly)

Coming soon: West Coast Edition

  • Enjoying a “Fuck wit Dre Day” on less than $40 a day
  • When a stop sign is not a stop sign: the rolling stop in 3 easy steps
  • How’s my driving? Follow up question: How’s my shooting?
  • 90mph merging strategies
  • Overpriced bullshit: the Haight-Ashbury legacy
  • Fastest driving routes to get “straight outta Compton”

Deep South Edition

  • The legal ramifications of not being “from around here”
  • Making small town corruption work for you
  • Black? Consider visiting the East Coast or West Coast instead
  • Atlanta: glittering metropolis or duded-up backwater town?
  • The sights, sounds and smells of the “Redneck Riviera”: Your guide to the Florida panhandle

Our Organ Banks, Ourselves: The Reality of Being More Useful Dead Than Alive

The Goofus & Gallant Guide to Formal Occasions

  • Gallant prepares his remarks carefully using 3×5 cards; Goofus rambles on at length about his fascination with quote: “the surviving members of Wham!”
  • Gallant waits quietly to be introduced; Goofus kills another guest for “eyeballing” his date

Half-Full Proverbs for a Half-Empty Life (Illustrations by Half-Ass “Painter of Lite” Thomas Kincaid)

Your Inner Slut: Freeing Yourself from Moral Oppression (foreword by Tara Reid)

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll

September 19, 2009

Rivers Cuomo finally trims the band down to just the "important" members.

Rivers Cuomo finally trims the band down to just the "important" members.

[With Volume 10 of the Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll headed your way early next week, I thought it might be fun and self-satisfying to re-up the original. It was never intended to be a series, but people started making requests and, oddly enough, I actually started fulfilling them. I’m still way behind on the requests, but as Abe Vigoda is fond of saying, “I ain’t dead yet.” Enjoy. (Originally published on May 13th, 2009.)]

Here at Fancy Plans… we are often asked the question, “What is rock?” We reply, “Well, what are you listening to now?” The answer comes back, “It sounds like rock.” And our answer comes back, “It sounds like suck!”

Secure in our superiority, we retire to the bar, down several shots, head home alone and cry ourselves to sleep. Usually to Sigur Ros or some other depressing Nordic band. Unless we feel like murdering our friends and burning down a church. Then it’s Dimmu Borgir.

But enough about us. It’s time for some Rock and Roll 101. Remember, we do take requests. Just put them in the comment box.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Fronted by an underwear ad, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch succeeded in putting the “fun” back in “funky.” Tragically, they completely failed to put the “funk” back in “funky,” creating a sound that can only be described as “funy,” a made-up word that means nothing but sums up the group perfectly. Marky Mark went on to be a successful actor dues to his enormous prosthetic penis.

New Kids on the Block
Much like other “new” bands (Riders of the Purple Sage, Christy Minstrels, Order), there’s nothing remotely new about these kids. They’re still the same old kids who’ve annoyed you ever since they were old enough to leave their yards.

Remember, a few Christmases ago, when they showed up on your doorstep, bursting with four-part harmonies and well-rehearsed choreography? And you said, “Would you youngsters like some hot cocoa?” and while they were nodding enthusiastically, you hurled the cocoa into their freshly scrubbed faces? Ho ho ho!

Well, if you do remember would you care to indicate that by marking an “x” in this box and signing the bottom of this statement?

The Alan Parsons Project
Supplies:
– 16 Popsicle Sticks
– 4 Pipe Cleaners
– Intergalactic Spaceship (ask your parents for permission)
– Dry Macaroni Noodles
– Magic Markers
– Psychedelics (ask your older brother)

The Strokes
Grandpa’s favorite band, or at least he thinks so now, when he isn’t catching strange scents or ordering “strangers” like you out of his house. He used to tell you war stories but all he does now is argue with the television, occasionally stopping to yell, “Listen to me, you motherfucking beanpole. I don’t know who you are or where you got that haircut, but get the fuck out of my house! Your skinny tie reeks of purple.”

Awwww. Don't you just want to eat him up?

Awwww. Don't you just want to eat him up?

Eminem
As popular as his namesake and twice as sweet. Cute-as-a-button blonde candy coating with a dark chocolate core of blustering misogyny. Melts in your mouth, not your hands, ladies.

Pet Shop Boys
PETA’s least favorite band. Chock full of glittery synths, intelligent lyrics and a wardrobe to die for. If the Boys ever covered Venus in Furs covered in fur, several hundred angry protesters would show up and try to reconcile their hatred of furs with their respect for gay celebs and little red ribbons. Heads would explode.

Or perhaps, PETA will again take the low road and pimp out some objects (excuse me, models) to stand around nakedly protesting, thus ensuring press coverage both legitimate (AP) and bastardized (hello, Internet!). Possibly NSFW.

Led Zeppelin
Early pioneer of the heavy metal spirit, Led Zeppelin is perhaps best known for their song We Fucked a Groupie with a Shark. Amongst their other achievements: exposing youngsters to Satanism, Whitesnake, and founding member Peter Jackson’s movie career, which finally allowed the band’s Tolkien love to blossom fully.

the Sex Pistols
Formed by Malcolm McLaren as yet another London sex shop, the Sex Pistols inadvertently became a band. They were briefly popular and reached their pinnacle when they serenaded Queen Elizabeth on her 103rd birthday. Frank Sinatra nodded his approval.

Tragedy would befall the band as bassist Sid Vicious fell in with the wrong crowd and began murdering his girlfriends. Fortunately, his lack of personal hygiene and crippling heroin addiction stopped him at one, a Miss Chloe Webb. Malcolm McLaren went back to running both sex shops and his mouth, pausing briefly to photograph naked 15-year olds.

Carter, the Unstoppable Sex Machine
Current favorites in the mostly British arch-off, along with Certified Balsa artist Fatima Mansions and undeniably popular Blur. As Blur has dropped their class warfare angle to concentrate on world music, animated side projects and screwing Justine Frischmann, this leaves Carter USM (Shopper’s Paradise, Sealed with a Glasgow Kiss) in a neck-and-neck race with underdog Fatima Mansions (Only Losers Take the Bus, Blues for Ceausescu).

A dark horse candidate has appeared out of the US, though. It’s Negativland and their piss-take of U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. And here come the lawyers! Stay tuned!

(Or not, with the exception of Blur, none of these bands are still producing music.)

Lemmy, under the influence of nearly goddamned everything, is suddenly entrance by his "massive" hands.

Lemmy, under the influence of nearly goddamned everything, is suddenly entranced by his "massive" hands.

Motorhead
Fronted by Quentin “Lemmy” Kilmister, former contributor to space rock pioneers, Hawkwind. Lemmy (Quentin to his mum) wished to head towards a more straightforward metal sound while founding member, Jethro Tull, was more than happy to prance around playing his flute.

Lemmy fought long and hard for his release from the label, finally forcing their hand with his refusal to comply with their sideburn policy.

KISS
The founding members of KISS met at a Kabuki class at an upstate New York Montessori school. They soon took their love of rock and roll and stage makeup to the next level, forming KISS in 1972. The original lineup included Gene Simmons (born Chaim Witz), Ace Frehley (Alfred Carlson Entemann), Peter Criss (Christopher Peter Rasmussenjinsenn) and Vinnie Vincent (Vincent Vincent, III Esq.)

Fortune and fame came quickly. Gene Simmon’s tongue and little black book became the stuff of legends (apparently, he is quite the master storyteller and writes down his dreams for later interpretation). In 1996, Gene Simmons was given an honorary doctorate from the University of Chicago, thus temporarily making him “Dr. Love,” until his title was bestowed on Dr. Drew.

Alice Cooper
During his formative years as a member of the high school tennis team, Alice Cooper (born Vincent Damon Furnier) suffered a debilitating case of tennis-lesbianism. While recuperating (or should I say, “recooperating”), Vincent took a long trip to Sweden and returned as Alice Cooper, rock star. (I guess I won’t say that. It’s ridiculous.)

Much like your former uncle, Aunt Patricia, whose house you never get to visit anymore. Which is too bad because s/he was giving you free tennis lessons. Oh, well. We all wish her the best as she continues to climb the levelled playing field.

Cynthia Plastercaster
Not specifically a rock star, although she does know a great many of them and could probably pick them out of a crowded, darkened, half-dressed room. Ironically, Cynthia’s start can be explained by a malaprop caused by a gardening accident suffered at an early age.

The story is that Cynthia approached Jimi Hendrix backstage and asked to be “a fanclub of his member.” Jimi was delighted by this play on words and gave her some suggestions as to what she could do with Jimi’s jimmy.

Another anecdote adds to her considerable legend. Apparently, a young George Lucas received a backstage pass to a New Christy Minstrels show. While touring behind the scenes, George happened across Cynthia, working from her normal plaster-castering position. As a 31-year old virgin, Lucas was confused and thought that this was her actual height. This image, combined with her eccentric speech patterns, stuck with Lucas and was the inspiration for the character Yoda.

Please stay tuned for future installments as events warrant.

-CLT

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Highlights from the National Health Care Bill

September 7, 2009
From subparagraph 8(a) of section 109.8.1 - "...free muthafuckin pills, muthafucker..."

From subparagraph 8(a) of section 109.8.1 - "...free muthafuckin pills, muthafucker..."

As the debate rages on as to whether or not most of the US should get “free” health care, a few highlights (and let’s face it, some lowlights) have surfaced from the beleaguered bill. Feel free to take a closer look at all the “free” health care you’ll be paying for.

Oh, and thank the higher tax brackets for working their ass off, only to be rewarded with yet another screwing thanks to good old American entitlement. Thanks for “taking one for the team,” guys. You rock the most!

• Three tiers – Skip the Line ($$$$), Fucked ($$$), Truly Fucked ($$)

• Self-inflicted wounds no longer eligible for co-pay

• E.R. now only open 10AM – 7PM. Please plan accordingly.

Cash for Clunkers! Family members with terminal illnesses and/or outdated views on life can be “traded in” for credit on future health care.

• Non-compliant companies to be subjected to Paul Krugman’s printed wrath with inevitable comparisons to Reaganomics and deficit spending (former Republican presidents only).

• After “polling” the “electorate” in various clubs and hotel rooms, breast implants are now considered a “necessary” medical procedure. Implant removal will only be covered if being “exchanged for a larger size.”

• Useless government employees health plans to remain unchanged (full coverage via taxpayer “donation”).

• Use of influential ad agencies to redraw Medicare and Social Security visualizations in an effort to eliminate the pyramid-shaped flow chart wherein current taxpayers are gouged to pay for those no longer working. (Suggestions: Get rid of the angles. Circles or ovals?)

President to appear “deeply concerned” (Expression D) whenever questioned about health care plan. Should take care not to appear “flustered” (Expression B) or “pissed off” (Expression C).

• “Band Aid Requisition Form” to be trimmed down to 3 pages.

• Sufferers of common STDs to be routed to VA/military hospitals due to their massive amount of previous experience.

• Ride-Share program for government-supplied wheelchairs.

• Upgraded software will allow government to reject claims 30% faster than private insurance companies.

• Health care plan to be renamed “ObamaCare” once bill repealing presidential term limits passes House.

From opening statement of subsection 383.12: "... will hereby appoint Hunter S. Thompson as 'Prescription Czar' (see list of demands in appendix 330)..."

From opening statement of subsection 383.12: "... will hereby appoint Hunter S. Thompson as 'Prescription Czar' (see list of demands in appendix 330)..."

• Third Monday in November to be “National Take Your Influenza to Work Day.”

• Smokers to continue “taking it in the ass, legislatively speaking.”

• In cooperative effort with the National School Board, a “Staying Calm, Staying Healthy” initiative will provide public schools with Ritalin-laced milk (Vitamin R).

• Co-pay includes $3 contribution to Presidential Re-Election Campaign Fund, if for no other reason than nobody has ever checked it voluntarily on their 1040’s.

• Taxpayers referred to in documents as “renewable source of income.”

• Construction of 1.7 million square feet of new waiting rooms will add 35,000 new jobs.

• Government to reclaim 4.5 million acres of forestland to handle “massive increase” in paperwork.

• Unpopular “death panels” to be replaced with unpopular “roving death squads.”

• Addition of “strongly worded notice to Canada to improve their national health care so as not to undermine our plan by comparison.” The wording continues with a pledge to “level the playing field as soon as possible, so stop border-jumping every time you need a heart transplant or anything else requiring quick, competent health care.”

• Diabetes sufferers to begin needle-sharing.

• Over 700 employees to return to work in iron lung manufacturing.

• Ad execs also called upon to create a better slogan than the current front-runner: “Like the DMV with shots!

• Employment-related drug screening to be recategorized as follows:

  • Pre-employment (Pass) – “Job created
  • Pre-employment (Fail) – “Bush legacy
  • Random drug test (Pass) – “Job saved
  • Random drug test (Fail) – “Job (blown save)

• False sense of entitlement expanded to cover middle class, which had mostly been ignored to this point.

-CLT

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Most Popular Occupations for Online University Graduates

August 22, 2009
Your online university: offering such diverse courses as solitaire and avatar-bungling

Your online university: offering such diverse courses as solitaire and avatar-bungling

Congratulations [insert name here]! Your hard work has paid off. After a grueling 22 hours in 8 weeks of online courses, you have now completed the coursework necessary for a degree in [insert choice here].

Your diploma and degree should arrive in 6-8 weeks, possibly sooner, if we can find someone who knows how to install a dot matrix printer ribbon.

Once again, congratulations and best wishes on your continued success in life! [omit sarcastic laughter]

If you have received this form letter, please take the time to review our list of Most Popular Occupations for Online University Graduates. Remember your degree is somewhat open-ended because of our lack of state certification. Many of the occupations listed may intersect tangentially with your course of study. Thanks for your business and we hope to see you again and again.

If you have yet to enroll, please see some of our available courses here.

Most Popular Occupations

  • Dianetician (additional study needed for Bachelor of Scientology)
  • Phrenologist
  • Clip Art Wrangler
  • Sexpert
  • Aromatherapist
  • Frivolous Lawyer
  • Chain Mail Author
  • Envelope Stuffer
  • Mixologist
  • TS Prostitute Sexer
  • Netscaper
  • File Sharer
  • Plasma Marketer
  • Squire
  • Alcoholic
  • Pirate (Music)
  • Pirate (Somali)
  • Pirate (Yarrrrr)
  • File Naming Conventioneer
  • Collections (Credit Card)
  • Collections (RIAA, ASCAP)
  • Collections (Student Loans)
  • Scam Artist
  • Scam Victim
  • Mathmagician
  • Online University Career Counselor
  • Clothes Horse
  • Pommel Horse
  • Reality Show Contestant
  • Reality Show Host
  • Blogger
  • Currently Unemployed
  • Jiffy Lube Technician
  • Jiffy Pop Technician
  • Narc
  • Miner (Data)
  • Miner (Outdoor)
  • Miner (Canary – interns only)
  • Creationist
  • Accidental Parent
  • Alarm Clock and Toaster Repair
  • Universal Remote Setup Technician
  • Petty Crook
  • Insurance Adjuster
  • Lobbyist
  • Clive F. Cussler Co-Author
  • Fancy Plans… Fact Checker
  • Death Panelist
  • “Skanky” Model
  • Interpretive Exotic Dancer
  • World of Warcraft Guild Leader
  • Dirk Cussler
  • Lead Singer – Nickelback
  • Crocodile Hunter
  • Wedding Planner (3rd and up Marriages)
  • “Libarian”
  • Religious Cult Member
  • Department Store Santa Claus
  • Radioshack Battery Club Member
  • Journalist
  • Drugstore Cowboy
  • Rhinestone Cowboy
  • Breast Inspector
  • Meth Manufacturer
  • Meth Dealer
  • Parolee
  • Boxing Promoter

-CLT

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America’s Most Overlooked Tourist Attractions

August 21, 2009

Sure, we’ve all heard about Mt. Rushmore, Disneyland, the Amityville Horror house, birthplace of Sinbad, etc. but what about those great attractions right under our noses? (Note: if you are currently doing blow off someone’s ass, please ignore the following and continue on,  good sir or madam. You obviously need no advice on how to have fun.)

Fancy Plans would like to take this opportunity to point out a few of the many scattered vacation spots that are criminally underrated. (Again: not you, coke fiend and “special friend.” Your experience, while definitely criminal could never be considered underrated.)

Detroit: cornering the market on "ramshackle"

Detroit: cornering the market on "ramshackle"

Highland Park, MI Ghost Town
Enjoy the thrill of touring an abandoned town without all the intrusive history lessons or costumed tour guides making the most of their failed acting careers by pretending it isn’t 2009.

See $1 homes! View rusting Motor City relics! Enjoy a “vintage” 8-Mile rap battle! Watch Jack White assault various members of the Von Bondies! Man the light switch during a thrilling reenactment of the “Detroit Rock City Exodus!”

Note: Although the tour is free, the tour guide may, at some point, ask for a donation of your wallet, camera, jewelry or other valuables, often at gunpoint.

Hell yeah! Nothing but American cars and flags as far as the eye can see (20 feet - glaucoma)

Hell yeah! Nothing but American cars and flags as far as the eye can see (20 feet - glaucoma)

Codgerville, USA
Centrally located in Kansas (less than 8 hours by bus to Branson, MO!), Codgerville USA provides a pitch perfect representation of America: the way it used to be. Although great care has been taken to include the things you love (Beechman’s Gum, asbestos, doctors recommending cigarettes), Codgerville, USA is really more about what it doesn’t contain.

A short list of what you won’t find:

  • Multiple races
  • Foreign vehicles
  • Multiplexes
  • Art that my 3-year old grandchild could make
  • Excessive swearing
  • Black presidents
  • Back sass
  • Hats at the dinner table
  • An effective polio vaccination

Enjoy the pride of Codgerville, USA: a moving sidewalk which travels in the opposite direction of your gait, thus allowing you (and whatever descendants you’re torturing) to walk uphill in both directions to any attraction!

Note: microwaves in use.

Another historical haul for Gary's museum

Another historical haul for Gary's museum

Harrison County Reservoir Museum
Located in Gary Stuckett’s garage and outlying sheds, this museum boasts America’s largest collection of items retrieved from the drainage gates of any American dam or other water retention system.

Some highlights include:

  • 1,700+ beer cans in 38 different varieties (“mainly Natty Light“)
  • 1,250+ soda cans and bottles (“mainly RC and Diet Coke“)
  • 440+ empty chip bags (“split between Ruffles and generics“)
  • 128 diapers (“if you need to change your kid, just toss it on the pile“)
  • 2 sofas (“not in that bad a shape, believe it or not“)
  • 94 tires (“not a single complete set, dang it“)
  • 3 dead bodies (“fortunately, I’ve also come across nearly 300 pine tree air fresheners“)

Gary’s guided museum tour is normally available from 8am – 6pm weekdays and Saturdays (“Sunday’s for Gary“), which is full of delightful personal notes (“about half of those Natural Light cans are mine“) and horrifying details (“just couldn’t keep that body from floating once it swole up from the heat“).

Those fortunate enough to catch Gary in a sober moment will enjoy the added bonuses of their tour guide being both fully dressed (“normally the summer months will find me going “commando” under the bathrobe“) and less prone to rant about his many unanswered letters to the Guinness Book of World Records (“hell, I even drank their damn beer!“).

Hanna-Barbera Studios: picturesque as fuck

Hanna-Barbera Studios: picturesque as fuck

Hanna-Barbera Studios
Located in sunny Studio City, CA, the Hanna-Barbera Studios are the perfect vacation for those looking to escape the hustle and bustle of places like Disneyland or Detroit. Lots to see and do here including these favorites:

  • See how over 70 different cartoons were made using only one background and three frames of animation
  • Get the real story behind the bizarre “now you hear, now you don’t” Scooby-Doo laugh track
  • Get the real story behind what the hell they were laughing at, because the show never really had any punchlines to speak of
  • Enjoy the William H. Hanna Library of Erotic Betty and Wilma Fan Fiction
  • Examine the Jetsons and their dystopian future that never was
  • Watch Captain Caveman hit on your wife/girlfriend
  • Get away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids
The RIAA Stables: no musical enjoyment allowed

The RIAA Stables: no musical enjoyment allowed

RIAA Lawyer Farms – Ashland, KY
Enjoy the rolling hills of Ashland, KY, home of the world famous RIAA stables. The RIAA’s amazing breed of free-range lawyers are allowed to roam the countryside, feeding on the tears and confusion of senior citizens and preteens.

Be sure and stop by the RIAA Cafe, where the whole family can enjoy a delightful meal at a not-at-all outlandish or ridiculous price.

Note: all diners subject to pre-meal strip search. All orders are 1-to-a-plate. No sharing. Soda refills – $0.99-$1.29/ea. An automatic 20% gratuity has been added to your bill for lobbying fees. Parties over 1 subject to additional fees from ASCAP.

Thorogood models a pair of Limited Edition Snakeskin Zubaz

Thorogood models a pair of Limited Edition Snakeskin Zubaz

George Thorogood’s Birthplace, Wilmington, DE
Many, many things to see and do here, preferably while on a Jack Daniels bender, shouting “WOOOOOOO!!! ROCK AND FUCKIN’ ROLLLLLLLL!!!!” the whole time. Become as “bad to the bone” as is humanly possible while 45 and balding during these tour highlights:

  • See 47 miles of barbed wire!
  • Buy a cobra-snake necktie! Just $99.99 at our gift shop!
  • See our fancy new roadside digs, done up in faux-rattlesnake skin!
  • Thrill to our “human skull” chimney, which stands over our brick pizza oven!
  • Don’t forget to pick up a rattlesnake whip! ($179.99)

Note: please do not answer George’s drunken and somewhat rhetorical questions about where your affections lie. Also, please keep in mind that we will not tolerate any attitude or mouthiness from visitors, so take it easy.

Pre-production look at "The Nelson Family Visits Niagara Falls"

Pre-production look at "The Nelson Family Visits Niagara Falls"

Roadside Attraction Land
Why run all over the country looking for that perfect photo opportunity? Come to our studios, located safely inside the city limits. Out “vacationeers” have a variety of costumes and props to make your visit to any non-licensed tourist destination (sorry folks, no Disneyland) look and feel authentic.

Put yourself and your loved ones into any of these classic vacation hot spots with our almost-cutting edge green screen technology:

  • A redwood forest
  • The St. Louis Arch
  • Birthplace of Laura Ingalls Wilder
  • A Kansas wheat field
  • A waterfall
  • Austin, MN’s Spam Museum
  • Enron Field
  • Tijuana “donkey show”
  • The Mall of America (three backdrops: Gap Main Floor, Gap 2nd Floor, Spencer’s 3rd Floor)
  • Main Street, USA
  • Main Street, New Delhi
  • Super 8 Motels, Omaha, NE
  • The Grassy Knoll
  • Las Vegas (non-Strip attractions)
  • Downtown Los Angeles (Toronto)
  • Downtown Chicago (Vancouver)
  • That “Field of Dreams” field
  • Somali pirate ship
  • Grayline Tour Bus
  • Penelope Ann Spheeris’ backyard

So make your vacation a restful “staycation” and put those bitch, ungrateful kids in their place. An average session lasts two hours, leaving your free to spend your remaining vacation doing the things you really want to, like mowing the lawn, tracking down that smell in the basement or wandering the office in your shorts.

For other vacation news, in particular the Branson, MO metroplex, click here:
2009 Calendar of Events for Branson, MO

-CLT

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Letters to the Editor

August 14, 2009
Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

Our art department honed their skills publishing the company newsletter, which was distributed alternate Tuesdays in the breakroom

In our endless efforts to collect as much useless information as possible, our research team at Fancy Plans has compiled the letters to the editor from nearly 300 major newspapers (including AP, those litigious motherfuckers). After several days of sifting data and making shit up, the final tallies rolled in.

We now present you with the most common topics for letters to the editor, listed in order from most common to least common. There’s no need to thank us. Your slightly drunken smiles are all the payment our abused interns need.

Questioning periodical’s political leanings
Abortion rights (against)
Abortion rights (for)
Low voter turnout
Gun control (for)
Gun control (against)
Gun control (undecided)
Gay marriage (against)
Gay marriage (for)
Gay marriage announcements

Taxes (too high)
Taxes (too low – gasoline)
Taxes (too low – cigarettes)
Taxes (too low – porn)
Taxes (drunken rambling about the price of cigarettes and porn)
Taxes (pro-Tea Party)
Taxes (anti-Tea Party)
Taxes (Biggest and Best State evar!) 

How the old days were better
Reckless driving (teens)
Reckless driving (elderly)
Calls for a four-way intersection to be installed directly in front of writer’s house
Why did the library stop “renting” videotapes?

City councilman baiting 

Oil prices too high
Oil prices too low (Al Gore; Prius dealers only)
Why ethanol is a waste of money
Why ethanol is the best thing since overpriced produce

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

"It was such a beautiful day, too. It's a shame more people didn't turn out to support whoever the hell this is at whatever the hell this event was..."

Congratulations for all involved at poorly-attended local event
Complaints about low turnout at poorly-attended local event
Why “X” needs more public money for “Y”
Why property taxes need to be raised
Public school suxx
Public school roxx
Public school = free babysitting!

Complaints about public’s ignorance of obscure nationality-specific quasi-holiday
Inappropriate language in PG movie
Inappropriate language at local baseball game
Inappropriate language at Denny’s

Conspiracy theories (birth certificate)
Conspiracy theories (Sept. 11)
Conspiracy theories (Billy Mays + Freemasons + U.N. + Grand Theft Auto IV = Four Horseman of the Apocalypse)
Conspiracy theories (My two apartment neighbors are stealing my paper, alternating days)

Astroturf grab bag

Church attendance (too low)
Church attendance (too high – c’mon folks, chip in. The folding chairs won’t pay for themselves.)
Utility bills (too high)
Utility bills (conspiracy theory crossovers)
Utility infielder (Mark Bellhorn)

Disagreements about Top 50 Songs of the New Millennium (misdirected from Spin magazine?)
Griping about lack of support for piss poor local team
Unruly zoo animals
Lists of platitudes
Drunken tirades
Inexplicable defenses of Liz Taylor; Diana Ross

Medicare Plan B not covering brand name medication, 14K Gold MedicAlert bracelets, Enzyte
Medicare Plan B not covering jack shit, apparently
I’m sorry. Could you speak up? I’m a little hard of hearing.

The bad service the writer got at local business no one gives a shit about
Not enough handicapped parking spaces at local business no one gives a shit about
Owner of local business that no one gives a shit about defending lack of parking spaces, jackass employees and begging people to please, please, please start giving a shit

Concern about lack of coverage given to issue near and dear to only the writer
Irritable letter displaying the writer’s false sense of entitlement
Pointlessly bitchy letter in response to large number of recent pointlessly bitchy letters
Wandering, pointless letters about cats, landscaping issues, Mad Dog 20/20, etc.
Letter from Mom (put in wrong envelope)

Well written, thought-provoking letters

-CLT