Posts Tagged ‘Life’

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Life’s Little Lessons: Vol. 2

January 4, 2010

Life's Little Lessons (in conjunction with Fancy Plans) would like to remind you not to stare into the sun, dumbass.

Today you are faced with a crisis: your wife/girlfriend has returned from a Christian women’s retreat with a rare combination case of pregnancy and lesbianism. You have several choices on how to handle this, the most important of which may be to determine whether this is your girlfriend or your wife.

You may have several questions, especially of the “chicken or the egg” variety, or possibly of the “cart before the horse” variety. These questions are not unimportant, but they are unlikely to provide satisfactory answers.

As you ponder this conundrum (from the Latin “conundra,” or “WTF???”), you’ll find that the possibilities of life are endless, especially those of the “bad-to-worse” variety.

Try to approach this with love. “Honey, you know I love you, but what the fucking fuck?” Your unexpected tenderness and casual swearing may allow your suddenly less-significant other to open up, much like she apparently did for Pastor Dan and to a lesser extent, Pastor Dan’s soon-to-be-estranged wife.

If you can do it, try to see this from her viewpoint. This may be initially easy as you can probably imagine fucking several other women at this point, but it may be much more difficult to see it her way in relation to Pastor Dan. Unless, of course, your sexual relationship has already included a fair amount of role reversal and scented lubricants.

Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in by all the negative aspects. Try to remain positive and look for possible benefits:

  • A lucrative settlement from a lawsuit against Pastor Dan and his church.
  • You may finally learn Pastor Dan’s last name.
  • There’s always blackmail. That’s kind of fun.
  • Hot lesbian sex happening within possible earshot/eyeshot.
  • With adultery and lesbianism removed from your church’s “taboo” list, you may finally be able to take the “governor” off your own life, so to speak.
  • A lifetime supply of instant argument winners.
  • Most conversations will now be awkward for the other person.

If you look at these unfortunate incidents with the right mindset, you’ll find it easy to grow as a human being, if only more childish and resentful.

For instance, consider this piece of wisdom from the ancient Chinese: the symbol for “crisis” is the same as the symbol for “opportunity.” As you can see, every problem can bring about positive changes. The correlation also holds true in other areas, as the Chinese symbol for “peace” is also their symbol for “world domination.”

As your life partner prepares to head off for a lifetime of “box lunches” down at the “Y,” you too can be prepared to view every potential partner with a mixture of deep-seated suspicion and somewhat rational paranoia. All while raising someone else’s kid. (Just like Joseph! Except for the “lesbian” part, I guess.)

Coming up on “Life’s Little Lessons:”
Your Diner’s Club card is rejected down at the local eatery and its very existence mocked openly.

-CLT

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Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 1

December 31, 2009

"Cliche #46: Sunrise/Sunset." Available at Inspirational Stock Photography.

Sometimes events happen in your life and you know right away that they were meant to happen… to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help figure out who you are, or who you want to become. Other times they seem to happen to shape people’s perception of you, long after the critical first impression.

You never know when these will happen or what shape they’ll take, but when you they occur, you know that very moment that they will affect the rest of your life in some profound way.

And sometimes things happen that at the time seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, will power or heart. It’s only with the power of open-mindedness and hindsight that you will be able to look back at these events as horrible, painful and unfair. And if therapy is involved, prohibitively expensive.

Like when the clerk at the adult bookstore informs you that they have run out of black bags and only have two different types remaining: clear and promotional bags featuring the phrase “A Fistful of Dolly.” And you begin to question whether this was the best use of your lunch break and ponder the quickest route back to your vehicle, which is parked between a storefront daycare and the local NOW office.

Yes. Difficulties lie ahead but everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or bad luck. Sometimes your day just won’t cooperate. Perhaps it’s time to simplify. Consider cutting down on your carbon footprint by bringing in your own reusable (and nondescript) porn bag. Try marking it with something like “Adidas” or “Not Porn.”

So as you begin your nonchalant speedwalking, you hear your name being called. You turn around to see a recent ex-girlfriend who is apparently out shopping with your mom. You find them drawing closer and attempt to jam four DVDs and a half-dozen magazines into the pockets of your sports coat.

You can’t think of what to say. It’s all stuff no one would believe, like “It’s for a bachelor party,” or “I lost a bet,” or “It’s time for ‘the talk’ with my oldest son.” None of that will draw attention away from your colorful porn and the fisting reference. For that matter, you don’t even have kids.

Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. Safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. Can you feel the blood rising and your heart beating faster? That’s life right there, deflowering your dignity.

So after embarrassing yourself and everyone else, you head back to your car and drive to work, forgetting that you left your porn on the roof while you got into the vehicle. It’s gone now, but it will live on, causing many angry letters to be written to many editors by many perturbed parents and outraged NOW members.

The successes and downfalls that you experience can create who you are, and the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones, not to mention the most scarring and psychologically debilitating. You can expect some awkward phone calls from your mom and a mental (and mutual) restraining order from your ex-girlfriend.

Life. Too often we take these formative experiences for granted and try to “power through” them to get on with what’s left of our lives. It’s time to sit back and take stock of these experiences to better prepare ourselves for an often unpleasant future.

Thanks for reading.

Next on Life’s Little Lessons:
Your wife returns home from the local Christian women’s retreat pregnant. And a lesbian.

-CLT

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New from Time/Life Books

June 10, 2009

 

Alright. The guest bathroom is finished. What's next?

Alright. The guest bathroom is finished. What's next?

It’s summer again and time to crack open the garage, toolbox and several hundred PBR’s. The tireless fanatics at Time/Life have been cranking out book after book, each one just waiting to yank your free time away from you. Here’s a brief look at some of the new additions.

How to Kill Your Idols – Thurston Moore with Mark David Chapman

Brick Wall Construction: No Education Needed! – Norm Abram with Roger Waters

101 Fad Gadgets: Assemble at Home for Fun and Profit!

Light Bulb Installation: Thorough Instructions for Polaks, Blondes, Lawyers, Drummers, Government Employees, etc.

Building Your Own Language: A Combustulant Display of Wordsmithering by Don King and Al Sharpton

Tennis Shoe Assembly: Malaysian Edition (3rd Grade Level Reading Required)

What Color Is Your Parachute?: Bernie Madoff Will Let You Know

How to Handle Any Emergency – includes instructions on common emergencies such as:
– McDonald’s out of McRibs
– Unruly McDonald’s drive-thru customers
– Being called fat
– Being called drunk and fat
– Room cleaning-related violence

Fritzling Up Your Basement: Austria’s Best-Kept Remodeling Secrets

Dorm Room Decorating – includes tips on:
– Cinderblock shelving
– Pizza box desks
– Which porn magazines should you have on your coffee table
– 101 great bong stashes
– Milk crate CD storage
– Where the fuck is my student aid?

Holy Fuck! Water’s Not Working: the Amateur’s Guide to Household Wiring

Backyard Archaeology: Digging in the Dirt – hidden “treasure” examples:
– Tab can (ca. 1982)
– Matchbox cars
– Cinnamon, the dog you thought went to “live on a farm”
– Missing pages from Laura Palmer’s diary
– Stacy Peterson
– Thousands of pissed-off fire ants
– Used condom
– Buried power lines
– Peter Gabriel

Projects You Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Build, Snap-On Tools or No
Firepits
– Treehouses with zip lines
– Anything involving depleted uranium
– Guantanamo Bay replica
– Particle accelerators
– Affronts to God

Cellphone Photography – tips on these tricky shots:
– Underskirt
– Restroom lighting
– Photographing yourself nude
– Concerts
– Your supposedly hilarious friends romping in a carefree fashion
– That douchebag keying your car

Woodworking (and Other Double Entendres) – includes:
– Tool handling
– Hand lathing
– Screw driving
– Hammering
– Drilling
– Pounding
– Banging
– When to use “That’s what she said,” for maximum effect
– Steadying your erection
– Using nuts
– Inserting your penis into her vagina, possibly repeatedly

101 Half-Assed Projects – examples include:
– “Light-switch covers. I am in the zone.”
– “That looks pretty straight.”
– “Maybe a shim or two might help.”
– “I’ve got some picture nails…”
– “I’ll sand it now, and seal it right before winter…”
– “Airplane line and a birdhouse? Now we’re playing with power!”

The Inept Handyman’s Guide to Artful Swearing: Thousands of Useful Phrases
“Holy mother of God, my finger!”
– “Jesus fucking Jones, 3/16″ off shouldn’t be that much of a problem!”
– “Mortise-and-tenon framing? What eggheaded cocksucker wrote these instructions?”
– “‘It is best to be two people?’ Fuck you, you stainless-steel whore!”
– “Hold at shoulder level? For how fucking long? Until my fucking arms fall off, you worthless piece of shit?”

Installing Your Own Home Security System – tips for handling these common situations:
– Talking down angry law enforcement after the seventh false alarm in two hours
– Trimming your run to the reset panel to 10 seconds or less
– That cat has got to go
– Quit touching the goddamn windows! Jesus, here come the cops again.

Where the Sidewalk Ends: You, Your Water Lines and City Hall

Birdhouses and Shit: Hundreds of Ways to Waste Your Children’s Summer Vacation and Make the Best Use of Your Inadequate Tool Selection

Settling Homeowner Disputes – examples include:
– So, suddenly it’s my tree after it takes out the windshield of your Beamer.
– Stop measuring my grass with a caliper, you anal piece of shit.
– You know, if you really want me out of your neighborhood, maybe you should stop rewriting all my signs to say, “For Sale: By Asshole.”
– I don’t see anywhere in the association agreement where it specifically states that I cannot construct a moat and drawbridge.
– I don’t know what you’re so upset about. The shallow, unmarked graves are several feet within my property lines.

The Super 8 Guide to Interior Decorating – tips on:
– Brown lamps, yellow shades: classics never get old
– Thrift shop paintings add some ambiance and a hint of quiet desperation to any room
– Which carpet colors hide blood, vomit and other bodily fluids
– Searing fluorescent lighting can make any bathroom look larger; dirtier

Get a Lawyer!: The Bruce Williams Guide to Property Ownership

-CLT