Posts Tagged ‘Lesbians’

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Life’s Little Lessons: Vol. 2

January 4, 2010

Life's Little Lessons (in conjunction with Fancy Plans) would like to remind you not to stare into the sun, dumbass.

Today you are faced with a crisis: your wife/girlfriend has returned from a Christian women’s retreat with a rare combination case of pregnancy and lesbianism. You have several choices on how to handle this, the most important of which may be to determine whether this is your girlfriend or your wife.

You may have several questions, especially of the “chicken or the egg” variety, or possibly of the “cart before the horse” variety. These questions are not unimportant, but they are unlikely to provide satisfactory answers.

As you ponder this conundrum (from the Latin “conundra,” or “WTF???”), you’ll find that the possibilities of life are endless, especially those of the “bad-to-worse” variety.

Try to approach this with love. “Honey, you know I love you, but what the fucking fuck?” Your unexpected tenderness and casual swearing may allow your suddenly less-significant other to open up, much like she apparently did for Pastor Dan and to a lesser extent, Pastor Dan’s soon-to-be-estranged wife.

If you can do it, try to see this from her viewpoint. This may be initially easy as you can probably imagine fucking several other women at this point, but it may be much more difficult to see it her way in relation to Pastor Dan. Unless, of course, your sexual relationship has already included a fair amount of role reversal and scented lubricants.

Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in by all the negative aspects. Try to remain positive and look for possible benefits:

  • A lucrative settlement from a lawsuit against Pastor Dan and his church.
  • You may finally learn Pastor Dan’s last name.
  • There’s always blackmail. That’s kind of fun.
  • Hot lesbian sex happening within possible earshot/eyeshot.
  • With adultery and lesbianism removed from your church’s “taboo” list, you may finally be able to take the “governor” off your own life, so to speak.
  • A lifetime supply of instant argument winners.
  • Most conversations will now be awkward for the other person.

If you look at these unfortunate incidents with the right mindset, you’ll find it easy to grow as a human being, if only more childish and resentful.

For instance, consider this piece of wisdom from the ancient Chinese: the symbol for “crisis” is the same as the symbol for “opportunity.” As you can see, every problem can bring about positive changes. The correlation also holds true in other areas, as the Chinese symbol for “peace” is also their symbol for “world domination.”

As your life partner prepares to head off for a lifetime of “box lunches” down at the “Y,” you too can be prepared to view every potential partner with a mixture of deep-seated suspicion and somewhat rational paranoia. All while raising someone else’s kid. (Just like Joseph! Except for the “lesbian” part, I guess.)

Coming up on “Life’s Little Lessons:”
Your Diner’s Club card is rejected down at the local eatery and its very existence mocked openly.

-CLT

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Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll

September 19, 2009

Rivers Cuomo finally trims the band down to just the "important" members.

Rivers Cuomo finally trims the band down to just the "important" members.

[With Volume 10 of the Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll headed your way early next week, I thought it might be fun and self-satisfying to re-up the original. It was never intended to be a series, but people started making requests and, oddly enough, I actually started fulfilling them. I’m still way behind on the requests, but as Abe Vigoda is fond of saying, “I ain’t dead yet.” Enjoy. (Originally published on May 13th, 2009.)]

Here at Fancy Plans… we are often asked the question, “What is rock?” We reply, “Well, what are you listening to now?” The answer comes back, “It sounds like rock.” And our answer comes back, “It sounds like suck!”

Secure in our superiority, we retire to the bar, down several shots, head home alone and cry ourselves to sleep. Usually to Sigur Ros or some other depressing Nordic band. Unless we feel like murdering our friends and burning down a church. Then it’s Dimmu Borgir.

But enough about us. It’s time for some Rock and Roll 101. Remember, we do take requests. Just put them in the comment box.

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch
Fronted by an underwear ad, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch succeeded in putting the “fun” back in “funky.” Tragically, they completely failed to put the “funk” back in “funky,” creating a sound that can only be described as “funy,” a made-up word that means nothing but sums up the group perfectly. Marky Mark went on to be a successful actor dues to his enormous prosthetic penis.

New Kids on the Block
Much like other “new” bands (Riders of the Purple Sage, Christy Minstrels, Order), there’s nothing remotely new about these kids. They’re still the same old kids who’ve annoyed you ever since they were old enough to leave their yards.

Remember, a few Christmases ago, when they showed up on your doorstep, bursting with four-part harmonies and well-rehearsed choreography? And you said, “Would you youngsters like some hot cocoa?” and while they were nodding enthusiastically, you hurled the cocoa into their freshly scrubbed faces? Ho ho ho!

Well, if you do remember would you care to indicate that by marking an “x” in this box and signing the bottom of this statement?

The Alan Parsons Project
Supplies:
– 16 Popsicle Sticks
– 4 Pipe Cleaners
– Intergalactic Spaceship (ask your parents for permission)
– Dry Macaroni Noodles
– Magic Markers
– Psychedelics (ask your older brother)

The Strokes
Grandpa’s favorite band, or at least he thinks so now, when he isn’t catching strange scents or ordering “strangers” like you out of his house. He used to tell you war stories but all he does now is argue with the television, occasionally stopping to yell, “Listen to me, you motherfucking beanpole. I don’t know who you are or where you got that haircut, but get the fuck out of my house! Your skinny tie reeks of purple.”

Awwww. Don't you just want to eat him up?

Awwww. Don't you just want to eat him up?

Eminem
As popular as his namesake and twice as sweet. Cute-as-a-button blonde candy coating with a dark chocolate core of blustering misogyny. Melts in your mouth, not your hands, ladies.

Pet Shop Boys
PETA’s least favorite band. Chock full of glittery synths, intelligent lyrics and a wardrobe to die for. If the Boys ever covered Venus in Furs covered in fur, several hundred angry protesters would show up and try to reconcile their hatred of furs with their respect for gay celebs and little red ribbons. Heads would explode.

Or perhaps, PETA will again take the low road and pimp out some objects (excuse me, models) to stand around nakedly protesting, thus ensuring press coverage both legitimate (AP) and bastardized (hello, Internet!). Possibly NSFW.

Led Zeppelin
Early pioneer of the heavy metal spirit, Led Zeppelin is perhaps best known for their song We Fucked a Groupie with a Shark. Amongst their other achievements: exposing youngsters to Satanism, Whitesnake, and founding member Peter Jackson’s movie career, which finally allowed the band’s Tolkien love to blossom fully.

the Sex Pistols
Formed by Malcolm McLaren as yet another London sex shop, the Sex Pistols inadvertently became a band. They were briefly popular and reached their pinnacle when they serenaded Queen Elizabeth on her 103rd birthday. Frank Sinatra nodded his approval.

Tragedy would befall the band as bassist Sid Vicious fell in with the wrong crowd and began murdering his girlfriends. Fortunately, his lack of personal hygiene and crippling heroin addiction stopped him at one, a Miss Chloe Webb. Malcolm McLaren went back to running both sex shops and his mouth, pausing briefly to photograph naked 15-year olds.

Carter, the Unstoppable Sex Machine
Current favorites in the mostly British arch-off, along with Certified Balsa artist Fatima Mansions and undeniably popular Blur. As Blur has dropped their class warfare angle to concentrate on world music, animated side projects and screwing Justine Frischmann, this leaves Carter USM (Shopper’s Paradise, Sealed with a Glasgow Kiss) in a neck-and-neck race with underdog Fatima Mansions (Only Losers Take the Bus, Blues for Ceausescu).

A dark horse candidate has appeared out of the US, though. It’s Negativland and their piss-take of U2’s I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For. And here come the lawyers! Stay tuned!

(Or not, with the exception of Blur, none of these bands are still producing music.)

Lemmy, under the influence of nearly goddamned everything, is suddenly entrance by his "massive" hands.

Lemmy, under the influence of nearly goddamned everything, is suddenly entranced by his "massive" hands.

Motorhead
Fronted by Quentin “Lemmy” Kilmister, former contributor to space rock pioneers, Hawkwind. Lemmy (Quentin to his mum) wished to head towards a more straightforward metal sound while founding member, Jethro Tull, was more than happy to prance around playing his flute.

Lemmy fought long and hard for his release from the label, finally forcing their hand with his refusal to comply with their sideburn policy.

KISS
The founding members of KISS met at a Kabuki class at an upstate New York Montessori school. They soon took their love of rock and roll and stage makeup to the next level, forming KISS in 1972. The original lineup included Gene Simmons (born Chaim Witz), Ace Frehley (Alfred Carlson Entemann), Peter Criss (Christopher Peter Rasmussenjinsenn) and Vinnie Vincent (Vincent Vincent, III Esq.)

Fortune and fame came quickly. Gene Simmon’s tongue and little black book became the stuff of legends (apparently, he is quite the master storyteller and writes down his dreams for later interpretation). In 1996, Gene Simmons was given an honorary doctorate from the University of Chicago, thus temporarily making him “Dr. Love,” until his title was bestowed on Dr. Drew.

Alice Cooper
During his formative years as a member of the high school tennis team, Alice Cooper (born Vincent Damon Furnier) suffered a debilitating case of tennis-lesbianism. While recuperating (or should I say, “recooperating”), Vincent took a long trip to Sweden and returned as Alice Cooper, rock star. (I guess I won’t say that. It’s ridiculous.)

Much like your former uncle, Aunt Patricia, whose house you never get to visit anymore. Which is too bad because s/he was giving you free tennis lessons. Oh, well. We all wish her the best as she continues to climb the levelled playing field.

Cynthia Plastercaster
Not specifically a rock star, although she does know a great many of them and could probably pick them out of a crowded, darkened, half-dressed room. Ironically, Cynthia’s start can be explained by a malaprop caused by a gardening accident suffered at an early age.

The story is that Cynthia approached Jimi Hendrix backstage and asked to be “a fanclub of his member.” Jimi was delighted by this play on words and gave her some suggestions as to what she could do with Jimi’s jimmy.

Another anecdote adds to her considerable legend. Apparently, a young George Lucas received a backstage pass to a New Christy Minstrels show. While touring behind the scenes, George happened across Cynthia, working from her normal plaster-castering position. As a 31-year old virgin, Lucas was confused and thought that this was her actual height. This image, combined with her eccentric speech patterns, stuck with Lucas and was the inspiration for the character Yoda.

Please stay tuned for future installments as events warrant.

-CLT

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Today’s Civil Court Docket

August 19, 2009
Practical jokes like this make any trip to court a true joy!

Practical jokes like this make any trip to court a true joy!

Free Waterfall, Jr. v. Farnsworth
Property line dispute. Waterfall, Jr. claims that “no one can, like, own land, man.” Farnsworth has responded that one can own property, provided they are not a “penniless hippie.” Farnsworth also seeks clarification as to whether existing laws permit use of “doomsday devices” to deter trespassers.

Mitchell v. Fire Department
While Mitchell admits carelessness in starting fire via an attempt to cook Jiffy Pop while under the influence of Wild Turkey, he questions whether the fire department was justified in using “so much goddamned water.”

Mitchell seeks compensation for water damage to property including:
– Four (4) black velvet paintings;
– “that sandwich I was going to eat later;”
– hard-bound collection of Tiger Beat magazines; and
– several “outdated electronic devices.”

The fire department has countered with “next time (and there will be a next time, you drunken moron), we’ll just let the fucker burn to the ground,” adding “burn, motherfucker, burn.”

Gleason v. Rasmussen
Gleason seeks clarification as to why Rasmussen is unwilling to keep his “multitudinous offspring” off his well-cared-for lawn. Rasmussen’s offspring are accused of “wearing a path between the house and the garage,” “coming and going at all hours of the night,” and “playing their music, if you can call it that, at intrusive levels.”

Rasmussen has countered that his children (“and there’s only five of them, possibly six”) are law-abiding citizens, who “aren’t trying to cause any problems” and are “generally pretty good students, I mean not honor roll or anything and only the youngest boy has had to repeat a grade.” Gleason has countered “those kids are trouble, I just know it,” going on to point out that the “slow one” has been eating the flowers out behind his garage.

Rasmussen has cited Adams v. Jenkins to wit: they are “just kids being kids. Cut ’em a break,” adding “mind your own business and close your drapes once in a while.”

Garelli v. Landover Hills Community Pool
Garelli has filed a motion for a dismissal of his lifetime ban from the community pool, stating that his ban is “excessive, punitive and a violation of his right to enjoy publicly-funded recreation.”

Pool representatives have stated that, despite several warnings, Garelli has continued to sport an “unattractive combination of gold medallions, chest hair and barely-there Speedos.” Garelli has also “made a mockery of this family-friendly atmosphere with his crude sexual comments, endless requests for ‘more disco,’ and visible erections.” He also refuses to “stop running around the pool or diving into the shallow end.”

Garelli has stated that, as a recent citizen of America, he has the right to “make love with all the girls” and display his body “in the proud tradition of his countrymen.” He also wishes to know why his requests for “hot disco music” have been ignored, as he is “always ready to get down.”

Pool reps have responded “they’re lifeguards, not DJs, and stop asking our mothers whether they ‘have a little Italian’ in them and if not, ‘would they like to, yeah?’ Not to mention the followup statement of ‘only it’s not so little, it’s actually large and hard, like some sort of butcher product from my homeland.’ In fact, stay away from our mothers altogether.”

Martinez v. Masterson
Masterson cites Martinez and his Humvee dealership as being “a major contributor to climate change” and “a force of evil working in collusion with the Big 3 auto makers, Big Oil and other ‘Big’ corporations.”

Martinez has counter-argued that his business is self-owned, carbon neutral (excluding test drives) and all-American. He would also appreciate it if Masterson wouldn’t “localize the entire climate change debate to my parking lot, exclusively.”

Martinez cites Free Waterfall, Jr. v. Farnsworth: i.e., “Shut the fuck up, hippie.”

Anita Block v. Theodore Block [Divorce Hearing]
Anita Block is seeking a divorce from T. Block for “infidelity, neglect and general sexual ineptness.” She states that T. Block has frequently forgotten “birthdays, anniversaries, interventions and her first name, often referring to her as ‘woman’ or ‘the help.'”

T. Block was unable to attend the hearing, stating via a note delivered by his attorney that he was currently “banging his secretary (out of town on business).”

The court found in favor of A. Block as T. Block had failed to produce a suitable excuse due to a massive “parentheses FAIL.”

A. Block was awarded custody of the house, checkbook and dogs. The kids were remanded to the state at the Blocks’ cries of “Not it!” were judged “too close to call.”

Aaron Gill v. Rosewater Downs Racetrack
Aaron Gill is suing Rosewater Downs for “gross negligence” for failing to stop his out-of-control gambling by “any means necessary, including, but not limited to: threats, begging, confiscation of car keys/wallet/property deeds and lifetime ban.”

Racetrack officials have stated that “we did hand you a lifetime ban three months ago, but you took us to court and had the ban thrown out as ‘unconstitutional.”

Morton still argues that some rules should have been put into play before he wagered away his car, his firstborn child and his soul, in that order.

Mindy Whitman v. the International Brotherhood of Pipe Welders
Whitman states that she is not interested in the “length, girth or hardness of any union member’s pipe nor would she like to ‘feel their fire.'” She has further stated that this is harassment, both annoying and illegal.

The Brotherhood has countered with “What are ya? A lesbo?”

At this point, all discussion has broken down and Miss Sweet Tits has been asked to “shake it” for the court at a later, as yet undetermined date.

-CLT