Profiles in Randomness: Roberto

Roberto, pictured here with beloved friend and longtime companion, his Stabbing Knife

One of the all-time great minor characters from anywhere at any time, Futurama’s Roberto is a stabbing robot. This is not a malfunction or distressing sign of sentience, but rather his whole purpose. Evidence exists in this clip, in which Roberto (and Bender) are both in line for a compliance upgrade, to better mesh with Mom’s (a worldwide monopoly) new 1-X Robot.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/69647/futurama-going-for-an-upgrade

Another appearance has him sharing a room with Fry at the local insane robot facility and terrorizing him all night long by practicing his stabbing.

How insane is he? Bender and Fry run into him while in line at the bank, which Roberto decides to rob (again).
Bender: I like your style. Robbing the same bank twice. Classy.
Roberto: The first time was to just case the joint and rob it a little.

And, of course, this interjection: You’re not made of Tuesday!

As is my style, I have completely and shamelessly co-opted Roberto’s love of stabbing to serve as shorthand for the irritants in life which make me feel a tad homicidal. Without further ado, an incomplete and disorganized list of the things in life that make me reach for my “stabbing knife:”

• Centerfield by John Fogerty
• The Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band
• Brass in Pocket by the Pretenders
• Barbie Girl by Aqua
• Nearly every piece of mainstream country that has been released in the last 10 years
• Nickelback
• Any time Bono opines about anything
• Keanu Reeves
• Child actors
• Menthol cigarettes
• Patrons who order complicated drinks in establishments that serve their drinks in plastic cups
• Birthday songs in chain restaurants
• The RIAA and ASCAP
• People who have decided their pot usage is a “lifestyle choice” and are now sticking it to the man by being underemployed for life
• Overuse of current slang, ironic or not
• The ethanol lobby, in charge of lightening your wallet, breaking your car and shoving your food supply into your gas tank
• Militant anti-smokers
• Moral panics
• People who get “outraged” at pretty much everything
• Fox News – just because you’re louder doesn’t mean you’re correct
• Jay Leno
• The TSA (“They took my stabbing clippers!”) and anything other elements of our blossoming police state, all done under the guise of the “War on Terror”
• Nearly every motherfucker in Washington, DC (except this guy, who has never taken an earmark)
• Wacky morning DJs
• The “comedians” of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
• The frat boy mentality
• The New York Yankees
• Warning labels
• Paul Ehrlich

Feel free to add your own particular triggers in the comments. I’d love to see what you hate…

-CLT