Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’


Finding Jesus

September 14, 2009
Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

You hear it all the time these days. People “finding Jesus.” Whether they’re in prison or rehab, they always talk about it as though they just won the inter-denominational scavenger hunt.

Why is it that Jesus isn’t out in plain sight, being found by people who have managed to not hold up a liquor store, murder eight people or run a dogfighting ring? Why can’t those who enjoy their booze and drugs in moderation draw a bead on this slippery Sonuvagod?

Perhaps He is out there. Maybe we’re just not looking hard enough. Especially you, Todd. You’re hardly trying and I think you need Jesus the most.

Here are some suggested locations to aid you in the spiritual game of hide and seek that is modern-day Christianity.

  • Nickel Beer Night, Wrigley Field
  • Basement crawl space
  • Chain letter
  • Thousands of nationally accepted religious venues
  • Amy Grant concert; Row 15 Seat 11A
  • Defending Kentucky from terrorists
  • Wandering through the White House and other government buildings, blatantly ignoring the restraining order that has been in place since 1791
  • Opening for Billy Graham (Beijing and Mexico City only)
  • Numerous cameo appearances in dreams (and dream sequences) over the past 2000 years
  • JC & Friends Water Walking Extravaganza, Sea World, San Diego (12 pm, 4pm and 7 pm)
  • Multiple bumper stickers (1970-present)
  • At home, catching up with His “stories”
  • Teaching carpentry at the Learning Annex
  • Protesting gay marriage, California
  • At the Career Center, finding the answer to the question: “What would Jesus do?”
  • Checking on his mom over at the Catholic Church
  • Measuring in at 900 ft. tall to claim title as “World’s Tallest Man (Diety Division)”
  • Montgomery, AL Gun Show, Booth 21
  • Every 1,200th Rick Roll
  • Unlockable character – Shin Megami Tensei:Nocturne
  • Gethsemane Gardens Amusement Parks
  • Guesthouse, Cape Cod
  • Specially marked boxes of Quaker Oats
  • Collecting His “props” at the end of every major sporting event
  • Making juice, Wonderland Ranch
  • Behind the decks every other Sunday – Space, Ibiza
  • Missed Connections, Craigslist
  • Fucking with single sets of footprints in the sand
  • Building hot rods with Gibby Haynes, Al Jourgensen



Zondervan Publishing’s Top Selling Christian Books for 2009

June 13, 2009
Not so fast neophytes. You've got to pay for these.

Not so fast neophytes. You've got to pay for these.

These fine titles represent the pinnacle of inspirational writing. We at Zondervan Press are honored to offer you wonderful books at incredibly high profit margins. Just remember, when it comes to living a Godly life, you don’t know shit. Get one for yourself and one for a friend. Zondervan: We’re Holier Than You.

Honing Your Gaydar: How to Go from “0 to Outraged” Efficiently

Beavers Mate for Life: What Nature Has to Say About Our Appalling Divorce Rate

The Agape Press Guide to Cults: Which to Avoid (any other major religion) and Which to Join (Branch Davidian, Promise Keepers)

Israel: Gateway to Hell?: Respected Director Mel Gibson Speaks Frankly About Jewish Culture

101 Places to Find God– Includes jail, AA meetings, the “Rock Bottom” Gentlemen’s Club, the closet, hallucinogen-fueled epiphanies, Road to Damascus Historical Tours, Section L Row 2122 Seat 335 Billy Graham One Night Only, Scott Stapp’s dressing room…

The Uptight Christian’s Movie Guide– Popular movies broken down by obscenities, nudity, bad behavior, taking the Lord’s name in vain, etc.

  • Ex: Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
    (20:13 – 23:54) – “Bottomless” party scene. Viewers will be exposed to breathtaking shots of half-naked women for nearly the entire three minutes. Some side-boob and full-exposure breasts. Note: Unrated version extends this scene for maximum “offensiveness.” If “offensiveness” persists for more than 4 hours, please contact a physician. Not appropriate for anyone.

The Proper Melding of Church and State: Our Current Republican Representative Speak Out on Our Founding Fathers’ Greatest Mistake

Walt Disney: the Antichrist?– Exploring the dark world of Disney, including magick propaganda, heretical talking animals, pantless anthropomorphic ducks and Disneyland’s Gay Day.

The Subservient Woman – Attention Christian men. Keep them bitches in line with choice, context-less scripture written by ancient misogynists.

What Happens in the Seminary Stays in the Seminary: The Catholic Priest’s Guide to Getting Down

Those evolutionists could learn a lot from this mural, which is currently painted on the side of my '82 Ford van.

Those evolutionists could learn a lot from this mural, which is currently painted on the side of my '82 Ford van.

Jesus: Dinosaur Tamer

How Affirmative Action Is Screwing Up the Afterlife: They’re Just Letting Anyone in Now. I Don’t Even Know What Language Those People Are Speaking. And the Smell When They Start Cooking… Are They Using Lard? Yep, That’s Lard, Alright. And Bone Marrow? I Think That’s Bone Marrow. Good Lord. We Should Think About Moving. I Feel I Need to Start Locking the Front Door Every Night. This Neighborhood Used to Be Good. I Used to Know Everybody. Ever Since That Colored Fella Became President, Heaven Has Been Going Downhill…

Apocalypse Survival Guide: What to Do If You Are “Mistakenly” Left Behind

The Trouser Press Guide to Bob Dylan Gospel Albums

The Recession: How Gay Marriage, Atheism and a General Collapse of Moral Values Destroyed Our Economy – by Dan Conry with a foreword by RF Interference.

Premarital Sex: the Antichrist?– Featuring a round-table discussion from religious leaders who haven’t touched their wives (or anyone else’s) for years. Average age: 80.

God’s Terrorists: A Tribute to America’s Abortion Clinic Bombers – features a profile on ELF: “We may not agree on the ends, but we certainly approve of the means…”

You Make the Call: An Interactive Guide to Judging Others

Rock and Roll Is Dead: Rolling Stone Says So (Again), So I Guess We Can Stop Worrying About It Turning the Youth of America Into Sex-Crazed, Drug-Using Mass Murders

Masturbation: the Devil’s Handjob – Foreword by Battle Creek Sanitarium owners, Will and John Kellogg.

500 Platitudes for Any Situation

  • Death: All things work together for good
  • Tornado: All things work together for good
  • Factory Recall: All things work together for good
  • McDonald’s out of McRibs: All things work together for good. Hand me the phone.
  • Homosexual son: All things work together for good. Except for you. And your son. God hates you both.
  • Single mothers: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Except not for you. You, He hates.
Sporting cleavage? Duets with Peter Cetera and Vince Gill? What line won't she cross?

Sporting cleavage? Duets with Peter Cetera and Vince Gill? What line won't she cross?

Amy Grant: Whore of Babylon

The Christian Kama Sutra: Several (Two) Positions for Maximum Fertility/Minimum Enjoyment

You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me: Why the Lord Doesn’t Want Your Sloppy Seconds



And I Looked Back and Saw One Set of Footprints…

April 4, 2009

Another Scott Stapp photo shoot.

Although Jesus has promised to save your eternal soul and at some point, destroy the world to save it from itself, it has been freely acknowledged by many theologians (i.e., “buried somewhere at the back of my thesis”) that there are some things even beyond the reach (or interest) of the Almighty.

The U.S. Economy
The free market, considered by many leftists to be the Antichrist, has undergone a Dr. Moreau-esque transformation (thanks to a meddling government) into a stunted, retarded monkey-like shadow of its former self. Although a very Christ-like figure has been elected president, to date he has shown that he is more beholden to large financial groups and various unions (UAW, Teachers’) than he is to the many voters he promised the world to.

Jesus says: Revelations 14:3 – Don’t blame me. I voted for Kodos.

Ferris Bueller, considered briefly to be the Antichrist, due to his popularity, boyish good looks and lack of respect for authority figures, is not actually dying or in need of a kidney transplant. At most he just needs a brief ass-kicking or a stern talking-to. And the less said about the unfortunate damage to the reputation of esteemed sausagier Abe Frohman, the better.

Jesus says: Rev. 31:16 – It’s been a long time since anyone referred to the “comedic genius of John Hughes”.

Money on Your Long Distance
Long considered to be the Antichrist by pretty much everyone, telecom companies failed to react to the public’s desire to have small, portable, feature-laden phones that has no long-distance charges whatsoever. These lumbering dinosaurs are now relegated to sniping at each other with “exciting” offers and dinnertime sales calls to the 50 or so Americans who have failed to register themselves on the Do Not Call list.

Jesus says: Rev. 4:21 – You mean this phone only works inside my house? In 2009? GTFO!

Michael Vick’s Career
Briefly considered by some to be the saviour of the ailing Falcons franchise (and thus a false saviour, so an Antichrist), Vick wowed fans with his mobility, open field speed and lifetime quarterback rating of 75.7. Opponents soon learned that if they could keep him contained, he was unable to perform basic quarterbacking skills (see also: Tavaris Jackson). Unable to find his groove on the field, Vick soon returned to his true passion: raising dogs to fight and kill each other. Currently awaiting reinstatement, Vick has already received offers from the Dallas Cowboys and the Cincinnati Bengals.

Jesus says: Rev. 16:12 – Man, look at the arm on that halfback!

the Universal Music Group
Long considered to be the Antichrist by the music purchasing public, the largest music pusher in the world has been damaged by P2P, direct music sales, iTunes and multiple self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the foot. One positive step: extorting $1 from Microsoft for every Zune sold (although this may have backfired due to the “iPod killer” being about as popular as sliced AIDS.) This has forced the aging behemoth to make some cuts in executive perks including a 40% reduction in the “Hookers and Blow” fund.

Jesus says: Rev. 23:19 – Unfortunately, I am unable to say anything regarding this due to my pending lawsuit for downloading “Happy Birthday”.

Print Media
Long considered by conservatives to be the Antichrist due to their unapologetic hard left “reporting,” their reputation seems to have softened as some have righted their stances and veered back to a more central reporting style while others have overcorrected and gone far right (Washington Post, anything Fox News related [not really print media, but I’m making a point]). Their collective failure to understand that the public would probably like to receive their news more than once a day and from more than one source has caused them to collapse under the weight of their journalism degrees. They have responded to this crisis by asking for bailouts, accusing the public of being stupid and hastily erecting paywalls.

Jesus says: Rev. 34:7 – And if that’s not enough, they turn my fingers black.