Posts Tagged ‘I Survived!’

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I Survived! – True Stories of Human Survival Vol. 3

May 21, 2010

Last spotted in the wild on May 6th, but now enjoying a full recovery, it’s… I Survived! Vol. 3. Be sure and check out Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 if you haven’t already. They’re worth every minute of your time and contained brutal portraits of severely lost hipsters and extreme sportsmen. 

Case/IH issues a recall after the disastrous addition of a new "Invert" gear.

Ronald Hofer
On an early spring morning, Ronald Hofer plows his acreage in preparation for planting. As he negotiates a wide turn, a sudden tense change upsets the tractor, severed his arm and pinned both legs below the cab. 

The initial pain had subsided, which allowed Hofer to take stock of his situation. As he gazed at his pinned legs, he sensed that the outcome had already been decided and there was nothing to do but wait and see where this led. Hofer dialled back his already limited movement to “imperceptible” and conserved his energy. 

Ronald gazes intently at the cab and his pinned legs, filling with the sense that the outcome has suddenly shifted into “cloudy,” and that he should act quickly before the moment passes. He fishes in his overturned cab for his makeshift saw, which he hopes to use as a makeshift saw. Ronald knows that if he is going to have any shot at surviving this, the legs will have to go. 

“I knew that if I was going to have any shot at surviving this, the legs would have to go,” Hofer said. “Who knew how long the present tense would last? I just couldn’t take those chances.” 

As Hofer struggled against the odds, his surprisingly dense bones and the constantly shifting time, he was spotted by a passing cropduster and its third-person perspective. The pilot began a slow bank, having spotted what he thought was a crippled or mutated calf. 

“I heard the plane and began waving wildly with my one good arm, while bleeding profusely from the other,” said/says Hofer. 

Within minutes, Hofer was being flown to the nearest hospital where a crack team of surgeons was standing by. 

Hofer has retired from farming and now lives in Florida where he spends most of his waking hours staring at the clock suspiciously. 

Officer Lochman cites the motorist for being "unresponsive to police harassment."

Kingston Miles
While watching a Food Network cooking show and simultaneously preparing himself a light Ty Cobb Salad*, Miles becomes momentarily distracted by Giada’s plunging neckline and severs his right index finger. 

Horrified by the sudden spurt of blood across his former “Fruit/Veggies Only” cutting board, Miles’ innate analness deserts him, leading to a series of profoundly bad decisions. Faced with a myriad of options in a city full of modern conveniences, Miles chooses “none of the above” and slips into full panic mode. 

Rushing to his Boxster, leaving behind his keys, wallet and freshly-cut finger, Miles finds himself locked out of his own vehicle. He swiftly makes a bloody return to the kitchen, grabbing his keys. After a quick switchover, he starts the car and attempts to call up directions to the nearest ER on his GPS. 

Finding himself short one (1) “GPS Finger,” Miles unwisely decides (for the first time in his life) to “wing it,” and heads violently off in the wrong direction, ignoring his increasingly plaintive GPS. 

Miles momentarily regains his bearings while bleeding profusely at an overlong stoplight. Attempting to correct his course, Miles makes an illegal u-turn, which attracts the attention of a lightly-dozing patrolman, who is suddenly forced to slam on his brakes to avoid the arcing vehicle. 

After a brief pursuit, Miles is finally pulled over. He tells the police officer that he has severed a finger and needs to get to the hospital. The officer asks if he would like a ride, which Miles responds to by lapsing into unconsciousness. 

Realizing he would need assistance to move Miles’ unconscious body, the patrolman (Officer Lochman) decides to retire to the local coffee shop and contemplate his next move. Upon returning to the vehicle, Lochman is surprised to find it empty. A quick search of the scene reveals that Miles has indeed vacated the vehicle, a fact confirmed by the discovery of his passed-out body in a nearby ditch. 

Officer Lochman revives Kingston Miles and cites him for “leaving the scene of an accident,” “driving without a license” and “wasting law enforcement time.” Lochman also notes that Miles seems to be “irrational, severely disoriented and bleeding profusely.” He deposits Miles at the nearest ER for a quick psych eval. 

Unfortunately, Miles remains untreated, thanks to his lack of photo ID, valid insurance and general coherence. Unable to contact his wife, he languishes for several long (and expensive) hours in the ER, his pain only occasionally interrupted by various ER staffers who berate him for tying up their resources with what is obviously a “pre-existing” wound. 

Miles is finally treated (and reunited with his wife) after a Missing Persons report falls into the hands of Officer Lochman, who states that he did see somebody matching that description “stumbling around in a nearby ditch.” The local ER also claims a match, stating that they turfed the “malcontent” to the closest VD clinic so the “faker” could learn “a whole lot about being honest.” 

*Ty Cobb Salad
1 Head Lettuce, sliced violently
1 Bunch Watercress, hurled into bowl
6 Slices Bacon, beaten to bits
2 Avocados, pitted and scarred
1 Tomato, stabbed and seeded
2 Hard-Boiled Eggs, use whites only. Beat yolk senseless and toss into nearest alley.
2 Tbsp. Chives, chopped and blocked
1/3 cup Red Wine Vinegar (consume wine and allow bitterness to seep in over the years)
1 Tbsp. Dijon Mustard (hold in mouth briefly before spitting into nearest available eye)
2/3 Olive Oil (virginity not essential)
1/2 Cup Roquefort, grated across sharpened cleats
 

Mix all ingredients in glass bowl. Stir harshly. Rest briefly before throwing bowl through nearest window. Serves 1 broken home. 

-CLT

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I Survived!: True Stories of Human Survival Vol. 2

May 6, 2010

Welcome back! It’s been a couple of  (long) weeks but here it is at last: the next volume in what is hoped to be a series for the ages.

Brace yourself for the unkempt horror that is: I Survived! V.2

Also recommended:
I Survived! Vol. 1

Above is the last known photo of the field recording equipment still alive.

Jason Brune
While capturing some field recordings for his upcoming concept album A Gaian Distress Call of Distress, Jason lost his footing on an incline when the rain-weakened ground gave way below him, sending him tumbling 120 feet to the gravel road below.

Severely wounded and unable to move, Brune briefly wondered as to the condition of the recording equipment, which he had borrowed (without permission) from a friend (who was currently out of town). His answer came less than second later when the reel-to-reel joined him on the gravel, smashing itself (and most of Brune’s arm) into hundreds of pieces.

Brune attempted to retrieve his cell phone from his pocket, but the severity of the pain prevented him from doing anything more than microscopically shifting his weight and vomiting, somewhat less microscopically.

Realizing that he would die if he didn’t receive medical attention quickly, Jason began to pray. The relative painlessness of the silent prayer was soon disrupted. An unlikely answer arrived in the form of a speeding Lexus, which ran over both of his exposed legs before screeching to a halt.

Alerted by the unexpected speed bump, Mike O’Connor (and his wife) sprang into action. (Beth waited in the car as instructed.) Said O’Connor: “At first glance it seemed pretty serious. But after some closer inspection, we only found some light scuffs on the rocker panel.”

The O’Connors brought Greil to the emergency room, putting him in the care of some of the finest self-medicators in northern California.

O’Connor: “I’m sure the trunk wasn’t the comfiest, what with our roll of chicken wire and some lovely loose agate from our earlier rock hunting in there, but I’ve got a genuine leather interior.”

Adds Betty: “We would have sent him something during his recovery, but Hallmark doesn’t carry a ‘Hope You Recover from Your Horrific Injuries and Agate Cuts’ card, and I won’t buy off-brand.”

Jason has yet to speak negatively about this experience, something doctors attribute to his “indomitable spirit” and his “struggles with re-learning the English language.”

This artist's depiction of Longwell's ill-fated jump fails on every conceivable level.

Jake Longwell
Longwell, a self-styled “extreme” sportsman, found himself in very different sort of “extreme” situation one fateful August afternoon, when his “routine” 30,000-foot skydive became anything but routine.

Says Jake: “When I saw all the quotation marks, I should have known something was wrong.”

Something was indeed “wrong” wrong.

At 5,000 feet, Jake’s parachute fails to open. He deploys his backup at 1,500 feet but it becomes tangled in the main chute. Jake heads toward the ground at nearly 80 mph, his descent only slightly slowed by his tangled chutes and his screams of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Longwell’s body slams into the ground at a very “extreme” speed of 85 miles per hour, instantly pulverizing most of his “extremities.” Fearing that it will be several hours before his baked pilot even realizes that he’s missing, Jake consults his mental map and determines that he will have to crawl nearly 12 agonizing miles to reach the nearest town.

His progress is slow at first, as Longwell uses his chin to pull himself forward and his sole unbroken toe to help push. Sixteen hours later, Longwell suffers a setback when his soul patch blows out, dropping his usable chin surface by nearly one-third.

Running dangerously low on MTN Dew, Longwell regroups and gets his bearings, doing some quick mental arithmetic with his mental abacus. After mentally sliding the beads this way and that, Jake angrily hurls the mental abacus across the brain room and mindreaches for his mental digital calculator.

He is not happy with the answer. (5318008.) Jake determines that his rate of travel is around 18 inches per minute. He attempts to pick up the pace.

He presses on, using the 1.5 degree downslope to his advantage and attempts to make up for lost time by keeping his lapses into unconsciousness to less than 30 minutes per “spell.”

Around the 30-hour mark, Longwell gets another break as he find some relatively smooth pavement on which to drag himself along. No longer held up by uneven terrain and underbrush, he begins to pick up speed, occasionally troubled by irate ground squirrels and local teens, who pelt him with taunts, beer bottles and inane, indecipherable chattering.

At this time of this writing, Jake has still not reached the nearest town.

-CLT

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I Survived! – True Stories of Human Survival

April 21, 2010

Welcome to what is sure to be another short-lived series, which will then be sent to the archives to play with the others orphans and occasional one-shots.

Welcome to I Survived!, a new series which presents the horrifyingly true stories of individuals pushed to their limits, usually as a result of their overactive lifestyles or lack of good judgement. Enjoy!

Robert dresses sensibly for the cool weather by donning an extra beard.

Robert Carroll
Having wandered way from the tour group while attempting to photograph a rare moth or something, Robert soon found himself miles away from the nearest paved surface/reliable cell phone signal.

As night fell, Robert was pursued through the underbrush by a roving pack of rutting elk, who had mistaken his awkward gait and brightly-colored shirt for a display of sexual availability.

The hours stretched into days and Robert began to lose hope of being rescued and resigned himself to being an elk “boy toy” for the rest of his existence. However, while cresting a ridge during the fourth day of his ordeal, Robert was spotted by a park ranger, who promptly cited him for leaving the designated trail. His fine was $470.

Micah foreshadows his near-tragedy with a recklessly upbeat hand signal.

Micah Wassermann
While surfing off the coast of Australia, Micah became separated from his surfboard while attempting to track down the “perfect wave.” As his board was pulled away from him by the receding tide, Micah cut his losses (and his Achilles’ tendon) and swam for shore.

His hopes for a swift return to shore were soon dashed (along with a majority of his 216 bones) when a vicious riptide hurled him against a rock formation a few hundred feet from shore.

Dazed, bruised and enduring images of a tanned and well-rested Robert Palmer, Micah made another attempt, moving at an excruciating pace of 30 feet per hour. Pushed to the limits of his endurance, Micah began to suffer vivid hallucinations, including one where he narrowly escaped being hung only to awake just as he was hung.

Disheartened and nearly immobile, Micah began to surrender to the urge to sleep. Just when all hope seemed to be lost, he was spotted by passing fishermen who greeted him with taunting shouts of “Get a horse!” The taunting continued all the way through his rescue and admittance to the local hospital.

Although he has resumed his surfing hobby, Micah still cannot bring himself to listen to Robert Palmer.

Six Flags Over Quantico: Where Dreams Come to Die and Become Horrible Walking Nightmares

Kate Hastings
While visiting the local amusement park, Kate fell 45 feet from a malfunctioning Zipper into the nearby ball pit. Sustaining compound fractures in both legs, Kate found herself sinking into the quicksand-like balls. Grasping for the nearest handhold, she was able to pull herself to the entrance using Isaac (age 9) and Chelsea (age 7).

Exiting the ball pit, Kate was unable to locate anyone over the age of 10 to assist her in her crawl to the nearest aid station. In fact, her general state of disrepair and corresponding trail of blood caused a panic, setting off a chain reaction that saw Kate buried under an avalanche of shoes, followed by the massive shoe rack itself.

Completely abandoned (much like the children around her) Kate waited for help to arrive, occasionally lapsing into unconsciousness. Her savior came in an unlikely form. She awoke to find four carnies gamely lifting the shoe rack off her compressed spine in order to better get a glimpse up her skirt.

Using an assortment of hand gestures and grunts, Kate was able to exchange a quick peek at “the goods” for a drag to the aid station. They agreed and soon Kate was being ignored by the sullen teen staffing the First Aid tent. A quick peek at “the goods” later and Kate was off to the emergency room, covered in Spongebob bandaids.

Kate refers to the experience as “the worst of her adult life,” but adds that she is “suing the living fuck out of Midway Entertainment, LLC.”

-CLT