Posts Tagged ‘Goofus and Gallant’

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Selections from the Fancy Plans Press Vol. 1

October 31, 2009
Yet another game of Rock, Paper, Scissors ends in a tie.

Yet another Rock, Paper, Scissors tie...

Welcome, dear reader, to today’s selection from the Fancy Plans Press, a vanity press that runs on imagination. Imagination and fossil fuels. Imagination, fossil fuels and proprietary software.

Today’s selection is: The Goofus and Gallant Guide to Formal Occasions. You may remember Goofus and Gallant from the pages of Highlights magazine, which was apparently distributed in mass quantities to elementary school libraries and pediatrician waiting rooms. I’m not sure if you could actually buy a subscription to it, but who needed it, what with all the time the average parent spends in the doctor’s office.

Here’s a brief excerpt of what is sure to be a runaway best seller, what with its affordable retail price of $24.95 and its inclusion of a gift card good for 50% off your next TS/TV prostitute. And here’s the kicker: you can choose which half!

  • Gallant engages his table with topical conversation; Goofus “rocks out with his cock out.”
  • Gallant carefully selects a subdued tie; Gallant decides which mesh tank top says “Funeral.”
  • Gallant is stood up and improvises by inviting his sister; Goofus arrives with an extra guest – Gallant’s date.
  • Gallant swears to do more to help the spotted owl; Goofus berates the bartender for improperly mixing his Irish Car Bomb.
  • Gallant is invited to be a keynote speaker at the next event; Goofus rereads the restraining order for possible loopholes.
  • Gallant greets each guest and carefully secures their coats and wraps; Goofus heads to the strip club, calling in a noise complaint on his party guests during the drive.
  • Gallant tips the valet generously; Goofus claims to not have any cash on him but to “check with his homosexual manservant, Gallant.”
  • Gallant steers conversation around his guest’s recent legal trouble; Goofus wonders if they have room for “one more” on the “civil suit money train.”
  • Gallant takes great care to assure that the escorts are paid in advance; Goofus explains that it just must be “extra cold in here.”
  • Gallant sickens everybody with his infalliable good nature and politeness; Goofus entertains the party guests with some sordid anecdotes about other party guests.
  • Gallant accepts his community service award with a graceful and brief “thank you” speech; Goofus refuses to answer any questions without a lawyer present.
  • Gallant double-checks each place setting for proper silverware placement; Goofus uses a mixture of commemorative plates, coke spoons and sporks.
  • Gallant waits until intermission to speak with another audience member; Goofus shoots the President during a crucial scene in Act II.

-CLT

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Excerpts from Time/Life Books “Amateur Handyman” Series

July 17, 2009

As you may have noticed, the Time/Life Book team has been hard at work cranking out title after title on nearly any subject (a partial list here). Today we bring you an excerpt from the Amateur Handyman Series Vol. 4 – Holy Fuck! Water’s Not Working! The Amateur’s Guide to Household Wiring.

Don't be intimidated by electrical wiring. It's as simple as it looks.

Don't be intimidated by electrical wiring. It's as simple as it looks.

Welcome to the Time/Life “Amateur Handyman” series. We would like to thank you for your purchase and point out a few new features in these latest editions:

1. Due to recent cutbacks in our editing department, the Amateur Handyman series is now overseen by Joseph Zimmer (Editor – Fish and Wildlife) and Marcie Whitman (Editor – Potpourri and Knickknacks; currently under investigation for what authorities believe to be “botched arson” stemming from an electrical fire. She is pleading “innocent.”)

2. By opening this book, you agree to our Terms of Service (Appendix A), which includes releasing Time/Life Books, our “experts” and lowest-bidder authors from any responsibility for damages incurred due to badly written or poorly informed instructions.

3. You also (by opening this book) release Time/Life Books from responsibility for any mental anguish or duress caused by our constant referral to our “experts” in quotes (both in the foreword and throughout the book itself).

4. If this book was ordered online, refunds can be obtained by shipping the unused portion to Time/Life Books, guaranteed overnight, insured and with signature verification (at your expense). Your gift certificate (good for its equivalent value in Time/Life Books Amateur Handyman series books) should arrive in the area of six weeks to never.

5. If this book was a late-night impulse purchase, utilizing our 800 number, your credit card will be charged a restocking fee and the cost of prepaid shipping box, which will be sent to you (inside of a much larger box) C.O.D. You may also be subject to relabeling, resealing and other box-related fees. These charges will appear on your credit card statement as “Teen Shemales Gone Wild!”

6. If you borrowed this from a friend or the library, or perhaps are just flipping through it at the bookstore, punch yourself in the face repeatedly. You can stop as soon as you purchase your own copy at the full retail price. Cheapass.

Chapter 1 – Installing a Ceiling Fan in the Basement

Tools you will need (Note – some of these tools may be hard to find or not actually exist.):
Wire (purchase double what you may actually need; you’ll be fucking up a lot)
Screwdriver
Flashlight
Hammer
Pliers
Wire Cutter
Wire Stripper
Wire Restripper
Wire Uncutter
Ohm Meter (tests resistance – you’ll receive a mild-to-fatal shock if proper resistance is not present. If you are somewhere near the correct range, the Ohm Meter will give you a number that you can “Google” for correctness)
First Aid Kit
Defibrillator
Emergency Contacts
Next-of-kin Notification Form (Appendix B)

Step 1. Make sure you have all your tools gathered in your work area. Are you really interested in making several trips up and down the stairs? Or are you just going to resort to banging nails in with the pliers or the end of the flashlight?

Step 2. Locate the junction box. Start yanking down ceiling panels until you come across it. Unless it’s in the wall. It should look like a metal box and be full of wiring. Be gentle, though. Those ceiling panels will need to be returned to their proper spot. Consider marking them with letters or “This End Up” with an arrow pointing to the ceiling.

If you see more wiring than is listed in these instructions, please ignore and proceed to optometrist for color-blindness testing.

If you see more wiring than is listed in these instructions, please ignore and proceed to optometrist for color-blindness testing.

Step 3. Prep for wiring addition. Open the junction box. You should have at least four different wires, all colorfully capped. You should see red, white, blue and green. (For our colorblind readers, veer a rojo, blanco, azul y verde.)

Step 4. Uncap the blue and green wires. You will need to intertwine your new wiring with the existing lines. Grasp the green wire… wait! You did shut off the power via the fuse box, right?

Step 5. As soon as you can move again, shut off the power via the fuse box. You may also want to clean up any urine you may have left at the spot of the “incident.” Water is a helluva conductor. Now with the power shut off, you may notice that it is way too dark to work in the basement, especially at this time of night. Besides, the hardware store closes in, like, half an hour. Take five. We will continue this tomorrow morning.

Step 6. Welcome back! Let’s retrace our steps and get the power turned off. At this point in the day you should have plenty of natural light to work with. Perhaps some sunlight, too. (Ha! Just some “drunken, incompetent electrician” humor! Go ahead and use that sometime.)

Step 7. Now with your two new lines attached to the blue and green wires, you should be able to fire up the fuse box and check the resistance with your Ohm Meter. (Forget all that crap about “red wire” or “blue wire” like you see in the movies. They all lead somewhere expensive and are full of deadly juice.)

If you detect a burning smell, don’t worry. That’s just electricity’s way of telling you it’s still working, despite your lack of skill. Same thing with the flames. They will go out eventually.

Oh, fucking awesome... Thanks for nothing, "lifesaving device!"

Oh, fucking awesome... Thanks for nothing, "lifesaving device!"

Step 8. OK. At this point, you will want to remain calm. Where is the closest exit? OK. Where is the closest exit that is not behind a wall of flames? With effort, we can probably fit through that window. Let’s try that.

Step 9.You may want to contact your insurance agency as soon as possible. Be vague about the details, emphasizing words like “pre-existing” and “power grid fluctuations.” This would also apply to your conversation with the fire department. (For more information, see Appendix C – Goofus and Gallant Present: Dealing With A Suspicious Insurance Company.)

Coming up in Chapter 2 – Rebuilding Your Life, Using Qualified and Expensive Contractors.

-CLT