Posts Tagged ‘God’

h1

The Bible: Inappropriate for All Ages

January 22, 2010
Noah's neighbors considering moving to the suburbs.

Noah's neighbors considered moving to the suburbs.

[Apologies for the deafening silence. Here’s another one from the archives. Originally published May 15, 2009.]

To hear Sunday school teachers tell it, you would think the Bible is chock full of platitudes and see-through parables, all based on Peace, Love, Unity and Respect. But as you actually start to read the thing, you’ll see it has as much in common with those qualities as your local rave does. Why, it’s nothing but E’d-up teens dividing their time between rubbing on each other, asking you for drugs and trying to come up with enough pocket change to split a $6 bottle of water. Only more Biblical.

The Story of Job
In what is widely viewed by prominent theologians as a “dick move,” God tortures one of his most faithful citizens just to win a bet with Satan. God says, “Job’s my dog, yo,” and guarantees that Job won’t sell him out, no matter how bad it gets.

How bad does it get? His son and daughter and a bunch of their friends have the house collapse on them and then burn to the ground. His crops and livestock are killed. He’s covered head to toe in boils and blisters and is reduced to scraping at his skin with broken pottery. His friends taunt him. His wife leaves him (at least through the rest of this story). Uwe Boll flies in to host a film festival. Satan sits outside Job’s compound in a tank, blaring Ted Nugent’s Stranglehold and Celine Dion’s My Heart Will Go On.

His friends and neighbors stop by and encourage him to “curse God and die.” Or at least cop a plea and ask for a reduced sentence. But Job stands by his man, much to Satan’s dismay. After collecting His winnings, God rewards Job by giving him… exactly the same life he had previously. No bonus. No home version of the game. Nothing.

Oh. He also gives him ten more kids. Cause that’s the kind of thing that makes life worth living.

The Flood
In what is widely viewed by theologians as “excessive and punitive,” God destroys the world with a flood.

First, God picks local winemaker Noah to be His village idiot and has him get busy building a ginormous boat. God also shows His contempt for the metric system by making Noah use measurements like “hand” and “cubit.”

Noah dutifully clearcuts the surrounding area, heads to Home Depot for a “Cubits to Real Dimensions” converter and spends the next 40+ years on the ultimate arts and crafts project. As if building an ark in your driveway wasn’t enough punishment, his neighbors show up just to heckle him. (“20% chance of rain, tops. You want I should get you an umbrella? The hell is that, a cubitstick?”)

After finishing the Ark, Noah kicks back with a good Merlot and waits for rain. God quickly ruins his day by ordering him to gather “two of every living creature.*” After stressing the importance of boy-girl pairing, God sets Noah to his task. “Even those creatures we’re sick of dealing with?” Noah asks. “Especially those,” God replies.

This accomplished, Noah herds his family onto the noisy, cramped and foul-smelling ark. God then proceeds to “make it rain on these hoes” for 40 days and nights. Noah’s neighbors, sensing they may have backed the wrong team, beg to be allowed to come aboard (“Let us in Noah. There must be, like, 20 or 30 cubits of water on the ground. We think.”), apologizing noisily for the “umbrella thing.”

After floating around aimlessly, the Ark finally runs ashore. God says, “Hey, Noah, my main man. How do you feel about repopulating the world through massive amounts of inbreeding?” Noah says, “That’s cool, I guess. We’re kind of sick of fucking the animals.”

Sociologists agree that this was the “tipping point” that pushed the world’s ensuing population to more than 50% stupid.

*except non-related human beings

Sodom
Once again, God’s pissed and He wants to break something. This time it’s Sodom, birthplace of the Shocker. Oh, and sodomy. He threatens to destroy the entire city unless 50 “righteous” men are found. Abraham, stoned out his gourd, says, “No problem. Those dudes are all pretty righteous.” God says, “You’ve got to be kidding me. Are you stoned? Again? It’s, like 8:30 in the morning.” And Abraham says, “It’s cool. I’ve been up all night. *giggle*”

Later, God and a more sober Abraham speak again. The word “righteous” is clarified and Abraham knows he’s screwed. He begins to work his lawyer mojo and bargains God down to one. A safe bet, since the one he’s referring to is his nephew, Lot.

God sends two angels to Sodom to warn Lot and his family of the city’s impending doom. The locals gather outside Lot’s house, demanding that he send out the two visitors so they can gang-bang them. Lot does what any gentleman would do in this situation. He refuses to send his guests out.

He refuses to send the guests out but offers them the use of his two virgin daughters. Smooth.

The townspeople refuse (this is Sodom, after all) and yell something about “banging some ass we haven’t had before,” leading Lot to believe that his daughters have misled him.

God then strikes the Sodomites blind, allowing Lot and his family to escape, and proceeds to rain fire on the evildoers. However, Lot’s wife, an avid swinger, takes a look back at all the random sex she’s leaving behind and is turned into a pillar of salt. Literally. (Even metaphorically, I don’t think it means anything.)

The Illustrated David and Bathsheba Fan Fiction Collection

The Illustrated David and Bathsheba Fan Fiction Collection

David & Bathsheba
David, king of Israel, while cutting thru the neighbor’s bushes one night, catches a glimpse of Uriah’s (one of his palace guards) wife, Bathsheba, as she bathes. Which is all she did, really, hence the nickname.

David uses his kingly powers of seduction to bang her a few times and, as often happens (especially in After School Specials), knocks her up.

He proceeds to do the honorable thing. He tries to talk Uriah into having lots of sex with his wife, starting immediately, in hopes that Uriah will mistake David Jr. for one of his own kids. No deal, says Uriah, preferring to follow the palace guidelines and stay with the rest of the guards (some speculation is allowed here).

David then proceeds to do the next honorable thing. He tells his general to take Uriah out to the next big battle and strand his non-marital-relationship-having ass way behind enemy lines.

Plan B works and David gets Bathsheba. Their new little bastard is born and then killed by a horrible disease, in accordance with the Hays Code.

Abraham & Isaac
God, bored shitless by an endless chorus of angelic praise, once again screws with Abraham. He commands him to head to Mt. Sinai and offer his son, Isaac, as a human sacrifice to Him.

Abraham, a true believer, hauls Isaac up the mountain mob-style, having him carry the wood and build the altar that he is to be killed on.

Isaac asks, with increasing paranoia, “Where’s the animal we’re going to sacrifice?” Abraham responds, “God will provide one, wink wink.”
“Why do you keep winking, Dad?”
“Ummmmmm… got some altar dust in my eye. Go ahead and get comfortable on that altar.”
“Why are you putting on those gloves, and that rubber apron?”
“I’m, uh, heading to the eyewash station, and I don’t want get my clothes bloody. Wet! Bloody wet!”

At the last moment, heaven’s governor grants a stay of execution. God says, “Well-played, dog. I thought you’d blink first, but you just had something in your eye. You ice cold, dog. Ice. Cold. Here, have a ram.”

For winning this game of “chicken” with God, Abraham received the reward of abundant prosperity and numerous children to spend it all. Full of good news and good “swimmers,” Abraham ditches his wife and heads out to marry his son’s cousin.

-CLT

Related writings on God and such:
What Jesus Can’t Save
The Real Story of Creation

Advertisements
h1

The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 5

December 29, 2009

The Bible is full of parables and stories that teach us valuable lessons through the suffering of others. Perhaps no story teaches us more than the story of Job. It teaches us that God toys with his creation and falls victim to a manipulative and bitchy Satan too easily.

Meet Job: an all-around good guy who gets his ass (and asses) handed to him during a supernatural game of Truth-or-Dare.

Previous blasphelarious (thanks, shearviscosity!) translations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archive

Job's friends interrupt his "8-Minute Abs" session with suggestions that he up his reps; curse God; die.

1 There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil. The neighbors hated him. With a passion. Especially since he kept them up late at night, eschewing evil, often with his mouth open.

2 And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters. Like in that movie, Three Brides for Seven Brothers, which was a big hit in West Virginia and smaller cults worldwide.

3 His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. So not only was he perfect and upright, but he had a metric shitload of stuff, including some of the best ass around. God. I’m sick of him already.

4 And his sons went and feasted in their houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them. Because they all had their own houses, what with their filthy rich dad and there was always enough mutton and camel and ass to go around.

5 And it was so, when the days of their feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings according to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually, hedging his bets to stave off any unwarranted judgement from God. (FORESHADOWING) This generally took him the better part of the week, which meant that he was at least three days behind by Tuesday and by Friday it was last winter.

6 Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. Right up there on the list of reasons why God cast out Satan: constant gatecrashing. He also mentioned something about his “bogarting” of joints and never having any “stash” of his own. Plus he once peed in the linen closet.

In this tangentially-related etching, Job and unknown others discuss the pros and cons of cursing God; dying.

7 And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. I’m just passing through, dawg. No need to get all uptight.

8 And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that there is none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? Hast thou also considered his fine sons and daughters, who have GPAs in the upper 4’s and multiple extracurricular activities? Hast thou also not seen his annual food drive and UNICEF cans? And his organ donor card?

9 Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought? Hast thou not laid thine “pimp hand” down like thou did to thy servant Jonah a few chapters from now?

10 Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. Why shouldst he bitch, when thou hooketh him up constantly?

11 But put forth thine pimp hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. Seriously. I bet I can get the F-bomb out of him.

12 And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath is in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. Because I am a vengeful and wrathful God. And I’m a sucker for playing the spread and looking like a big man in front of the demons. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD and mentally counted his winnings. (Which were not monetary, thus making the whole “playing the spread” thing irrelevant.)

13 And there was a day when his sons and his daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. This would be a day that ended in “y.”

14 And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them. Because they’re lazy asses. The oxen are starting to complain that someone should “write those asses up.” Anyway… that’s not the important part...

15 And the Sabeans fell upon them, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. So… don’t worry about the write-ups. The problem seems to have solved itself. Although we will need to hire some new servants…

Subtitled "Job, Shut the Fuck Up or Get the Fuck Out!"

16 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I mean, I think it was Godfire. I was enjoying a post-sheep banging cigarette and I think I dozed off. Next thing I know, it’s like a Fiery Furnace (self-referential!) out there, only with an awful “burning mattress” smell.

17 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. Worst Lollapalooza ever. Three bands. Slain servants. The headliner was Bush. ClearChannel isn’t issuing refunds and I left my Camels in my other ironic t-shirt.

18 While he was yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters were eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother’s house. You know, ’cause it’s a day that ends with “y”? And they’re known lushes?

19 And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. I told them to make it out of brick, but no one listens to old Gerald. Not until he’s the last guy standing.

20 Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, (One Mantle: available month-to-month. 350 shekel deposit. No dogs.)

21 And said, Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD. To be honest, I liked the LORD better when he was giving, but what can you do? He also liketh the taking. Perhaps too much.

22 In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. (God, feeling obligated by his massive screwing of Job, agreed to pick up the lease on the mantle and signed a 12-month agreement. Job appreciated this gesture and threw in a new flatscreen TV during God’s six-month extension.)

-CLT

h1

Finding Jesus

September 14, 2009
Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

Well, he's got the halo, but I'm pretty sure the staff and lamb are just metaphoric...

You hear it all the time these days. People “finding Jesus.” Whether they’re in prison or rehab, they always talk about it as though they just won the inter-denominational scavenger hunt.

Why is it that Jesus isn’t out in plain sight, being found by people who have managed to not hold up a liquor store, murder eight people or run a dogfighting ring? Why can’t those who enjoy their booze and drugs in moderation draw a bead on this slippery Sonuvagod?

Perhaps He is out there. Maybe we’re just not looking hard enough. Especially you, Todd. You’re hardly trying and I think you need Jesus the most.

Here are some suggested locations to aid you in the spiritual game of hide and seek that is modern-day Christianity.

  • Nickel Beer Night, Wrigley Field
  • Basement crawl space
  • Chain letter
  • Thousands of nationally accepted religious venues
  • Amy Grant concert; Row 15 Seat 11A
  • Defending Kentucky from terrorists
  • Wandering through the White House and other government buildings, blatantly ignoring the restraining order that has been in place since 1791
  • Opening for Billy Graham (Beijing and Mexico City only)
  • Numerous cameo appearances in dreams (and dream sequences) over the past 2000 years
  • JC & Friends Water Walking Extravaganza, Sea World, San Diego (12 pm, 4pm and 7 pm)
  • Multiple bumper stickers (1970-present)
  • At home, catching up with His “stories”
  • Teaching carpentry at the Learning Annex
  • Protesting gay marriage, California
  • At the Career Center, finding the answer to the question: “What would Jesus do?”
  • Checking on his mom over at the Catholic Church
  • Measuring in at 900 ft. tall to claim title as “World’s Tallest Man (Diety Division)”
  • Montgomery, AL Gun Show, Booth 21
  • Every 1,200th Rick Roll
  • Unlockable character – Shin Megami Tensei:Nocturne
  • Gethsemane Gardens Amusement Parks
  • Guesthouse, Cape Cod
  • Specially marked boxes of Quaker Oats
  • Collecting His “props” at the end of every major sporting event
  • Making juice, Wonderland Ranch
  • Behind the decks every other Sunday – Space, Ibiza
  • Missed Connections, Craigslist
  • Fucking with single sets of footprints in the sand
  • Building hot rods with Gibby Haynes, Al Jourgensen

-CLT