Posts Tagged ‘Fun for All Ages’


Life’s Little Lessons Vol. 4 – Shoplifting:My Anti-Drug

February 9, 2010

Look at these freshly-scrubbed, well-lit demographics!

Being a teen and/or tween in today’s society can be tough. Between the pressure of school and the pressures of Todd (who one day hopes to run his own comic book/porn shop), today’s youngsters often find themselves turning to the incredibly comfortable embrace of drugs.

Good for them, I say! You don’t want to spend the rest of the “best years of your life” stressed and closed-legged. You’re only young once! Live now while you still have your whole future to destroy!

But remember, each one of you is very different in very similar ways. Some of you are natural-born leaders, willing to lead the pack down the various dark alleys and cul-de-sacs that make up life.

Others are the pace-setters who establish the speed the pack will run, neither leading or following, but rather, middle-managing.

Still others will cull the herd, picking off those without proper clothing, musical taste or an older brother who can buy them beer.

The rest will run with the pack, nose-to-anus, following blindly. They are still an essential part of the whole, like pawns in a chess match or civilians in a war-torn but heavily televised country.

With all these essential pieces forming an inseparable and indistinguishable whole, it’s easy to forget those who take the “road less travelled.” In fact, it’s incredibly easy to forget them as you most likely will never see them again until you’re delivering Pepsi to their multi-store retail chains or detailing their Jag while they get a blowjob from your girlfriend at the nearest Holiday Inn Express.

Signage courtesy of the newly-enacted "Winona's Law."

There are some people from all walks of life (Note: “all walks” = ages 13-19) for whom drugs are not the answer. Surprising, I know, what with all the enhancements, side effects and crippling withdrawal that drugs have to offer.

For some, the thrill comes from skirting the law. It may start with random jaywalking or curfew violations. From there they may move on to cheating on their finals or entering false information on their Census forms, always seeking a new “high” or “rush” or other co-opted drug metaphor.

Before they know it (which is most likely before you know it, especially if you’re the victim), they’ve fallen into a life of petty crime, filled with illegal football pools and un-itemized deductions. It’s as if they can’t stop themselves. Soon their auto insurance has lapsed and they’re carelessly smoking well within the confines of the 200-foot “No Smoking” zone.

If this goes unchecked long enough, these no-goodniks, these “Goofi” will have clawed their way to the top of the criminal heap with the most heinous of misdemeanors: shoplifting.

It’s now a very dim future for these malcontents as they travel down a lonely, but heavily populated, road to ruin.

Watch for these warning signs:

  • Heavy clothing during warm months.
  • Heavy clothing during cold months.
  • Heavy clothing during promiscuous, meaningless sex.
  • Sudden increase of small items and knickknacks with no verifiable income increase.
  • Sudden detainment for shoplifting.
  • Incessant humming of Jane’s Addiction’s hit Been Caught Stealing.
  • Father’s Day gifts include caseless DVD, 16 Bic lighters, a laser penlight, 12 assorted packs of unpopular gum and a deck of cards.

It’s not too late! Grab your teen/tween (gently and appropriately, of course) and set them back on the drug path, with its relative safety in numbers and proven track record of lazy ineptness and occasional home invasions. Remind Grandma to put the Oxy-Contin in the gun safe.

Remember: You can’t prevent drugs from being the problem. You can only prevent them from being the solution.

Up next on Life’s Little Lessons:
The Third-Person Miracle of Childbirth: Renting Out Your Uterus for Fun and Profit.