Posts Tagged ‘Fun-Filled Afternoon’

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I Survived! – True Stories of Human Survival

April 21, 2010

Welcome to what is sure to be another short-lived series, which will then be sent to the archives to play with the others orphans and occasional one-shots.

Welcome to I Survived!, a new series which presents the horrifyingly true stories of individuals pushed to their limits, usually as a result of their overactive lifestyles or lack of good judgement. Enjoy!

Robert dresses sensibly for the cool weather by donning an extra beard.

Robert Carroll
Having wandered way from the tour group while attempting to photograph a rare moth or something, Robert soon found himself miles away from the nearest paved surface/reliable cell phone signal.

As night fell, Robert was pursued through the underbrush by a roving pack of rutting elk, who had mistaken his awkward gait and brightly-colored shirt for a display of sexual availability.

The hours stretched into days and Robert began to lose hope of being rescued and resigned himself to being an elk “boy toy” for the rest of his existence. However, while cresting a ridge during the fourth day of his ordeal, Robert was spotted by a park ranger, who promptly cited him for leaving the designated trail. His fine was $470.

Micah foreshadows his near-tragedy with a recklessly upbeat hand signal.

Micah Wassermann
While surfing off the coast of Australia, Micah became separated from his surfboard while attempting to track down the “perfect wave.” As his board was pulled away from him by the receding tide, Micah cut his losses (and his Achilles’ tendon) and swam for shore.

His hopes for a swift return to shore were soon dashed (along with a majority of his 216 bones) when a vicious riptide hurled him against a rock formation a few hundred feet from shore.

Dazed, bruised and enduring images of a tanned and well-rested Robert Palmer, Micah made another attempt, moving at an excruciating pace of 30 feet per hour. Pushed to the limits of his endurance, Micah began to suffer vivid hallucinations, including one where he narrowly escaped being hung only to awake just as he was hung.

Disheartened and nearly immobile, Micah began to surrender to the urge to sleep. Just when all hope seemed to be lost, he was spotted by passing fishermen who greeted him with taunting shouts of “Get a horse!” The taunting continued all the way through his rescue and admittance to the local hospital.

Although he has resumed his surfing hobby, Micah still cannot bring himself to listen to Robert Palmer.

Six Flags Over Quantico: Where Dreams Come to Die and Become Horrible Walking Nightmares

Kate Hastings
While visiting the local amusement park, Kate fell 45 feet from a malfunctioning Zipper into the nearby ball pit. Sustaining compound fractures in both legs, Kate found herself sinking into the quicksand-like balls. Grasping for the nearest handhold, she was able to pull herself to the entrance using Isaac (age 9) and Chelsea (age 7).

Exiting the ball pit, Kate was unable to locate anyone over the age of 10 to assist her in her crawl to the nearest aid station. In fact, her general state of disrepair and corresponding trail of blood caused a panic, setting off a chain reaction that saw Kate buried under an avalanche of shoes, followed by the massive shoe rack itself.

Completely abandoned (much like the children around her) Kate waited for help to arrive, occasionally lapsing into unconsciousness. Her savior came in an unlikely form. She awoke to find four carnies gamely lifting the shoe rack off her compressed spine in order to better get a glimpse up her skirt.

Using an assortment of hand gestures and grunts, Kate was able to exchange a quick peek at “the goods” for a drag to the aid station. They agreed and soon Kate was being ignored by the sullen teen staffing the First Aid tent. A quick peek at “the goods” later and Kate was off to the emergency room, covered in Spongebob bandaids.

Kate refers to the experience as “the worst of her adult life,” but adds that she is “suing the living fuck out of Midway Entertainment, LLC.”

-CLT

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