Posts Tagged ‘Fuck You’

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Happy Labor Day

September 7, 2009

fuva_main

Happy Labor Day!

Brought to you by the unions of America, whose main selling points are:

1. Wal-Mart pays low wages!

and

2. The last time we did anything positive was over a century ago!

Thanks for looking out for us, fellas. May you continue to bankrupt companies, intimidate scabs and damage job sites in your quest to make America all she can be!

-CLT

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DJ AM: Today We Mourn a Non-Entity

September 1, 2009
The shiz that put Crazy Town on the map: DJ AM.

The shiz that put Crazy Town on the map: DJ AM.

[Tip of the hat to RF Interference who first informed me of DJ AM’spassing, and in turn, his existence by asking, “Are the pacifier brigade in mourning?” (Or words to that effect.) A further tip of the hat to Tannerleah over at Stop Annoying Me for bringing my annoyance with the past existence of DJ AM bubbling back to the surface.]

The world is suddenly abuzz with news of DJ AM’s overdose. “Who?” some of you are probably asking. “Whom?” others of you are asking, more properly and possibly with a British accent. I asked myself this same question.

As a follower of electronic music and DJs in general, even I hadn’t heard of him. Turns out I was travelling in the wrong circles. DJ AM was known best for his squiring of such luminous figures as Nicole Richie and Mandy Moore. A professional celebrity DJ.

Crazy Town signalled their craziness through various neck movements and refusal to line up single-file. Also, they had a DJ for no apparent reason.

Crazy Town signalled their craziness through various neck movements and refusal to line up single-file. Also, they had a DJ for no apparent reason.

Here’s a little more background on DJ AM:

DJ AM’s (a.k.a. Adam Goldstein) first tenuous claim to 15 minutes came as the “DJ” for “his” “band” Crazy Town, a band as edgy and threatening as a temporary tattoo. You may notice that I have multiple sets of quotation marks in the previous sentence. It’s no mistake. Let’s go ahead and diagram the hell out of it:

DJ” – Meaning AM was the jackass in the back, fiddling madly with the turntables and mugging for the camera during his allotted 10-20 seconds per music video. His contribution is unknown. Perhaps the “band” felt its street cred would rise above “lunch money donor” on the musical playground. All anyone asked of their DJs is that they stay in the back and shut the fuck up.

his” – Crazy Town wa no more his band than the Beatles were Pete Best’s. He was one of those added features that several bands of that era (Papa Roach, Limp Bizkit, etc.) deluded themselves into thinking was essential. So they all got a DJ and who’s heard anything from those turntablists recently? But nevertheless, there it was. Have band, need DJ. As de riguer as the loud-quiet-loud dynamic, faux-rapping and the “I’m singing from inside an old-timey radio” vocal effect.

band” – Crazy Town was a band in the sense that they all played instruments (except DJ AM) under one name as a somewhat cohesive unit. Much like Scary Movie 3is a film, in that it’s shot on film and played on a projector. Still no one’sgoing to confuse it with other films, like The Godfather or even Mobsters.

That’s the backstory.

On August 28th, DJ AM is found dead in his apartment of an apparent “accidental” overdose. The tweet goes out and is soon answered. Here’s a few of the fringe celebrities and would-be rock stars, who were among the first to max out their vocabularies, building deep thoughts out of 140-word sentences: Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy), Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, John Mayer, Ryan Seacrest, Jordin Sparks, P. Diddy.

Let’s take a peek at some of their incredible eulogies, presumably iPhoned in during a rigorous workout/massage/blowjob:

@johncmayer I really want to use words right now but I can’t get em.

THX, John. I really want to not beat you with your own guitar, but English is hard.

@solangeknowles I hope people don’t taint his legacy…..because there isn’t any concrete proof yet. That guy was a walking miracle.

Wonderful, whoever-the-fuck-you-are. He died of drugs surrounded by drug paraphernalia, so I’m guessing “concrete proof” is just an autopsy away (and there is one). Also, Jesus would like to inform you that miracles seldom include dying, at least not if you can’t shake it off in 3 days. Also, also: an ellipsis is three dots, not however the hell many you want. You’re working with a 140-character limit. Don’t use it all at once.

@BonnieFuller DJ AM DEAD & SO SAD! I wonder if the poor thing was suffering from survivor’s guilt after that terrible plane crash

Awesome. Thanks for the amateur diagnosis, BF. If this is “survivor’s guilt” then get a 24-hour suicide watch up at Travis Barker’s place. He “walked” away from that crash as well, and these things always come in three’s. (Someone find a third person to tie into this. I can’t have my pet theories continually crushed by your speeding Buick LeSabre of logic.)

These are the people whose lives he touched. Presumably. All of them bemoaning the “tragedy” and the “why god why” of a relatively young (36) starfucker cut down in his prime, by his own failure to do correct maths while drugging himself up.

Nowhere in this outpouring of shallowness is there a single twit (they liked to be called this) pointing out that suicide is the selfish chickenshit’s way out. Or that he was only batting .500 against life’s tough pitching, having failed to make a gun do the only thing it’s supposed to do in his first attempt. Or that he died committing a crime* and, therefore, deserves no more eulogizing that the thug who gets killed holding up a liquor store.

*We can debate the stupidity of the Drug War elsewhere, perhaps in the comment thread, but at this point, drug possession and use are illegal. And usually treated more seriously than liquor store holdups.

Unfortunately for DJ AM, the NCAA is posthumously stripping him of this key victory over the odds.

Unfortunately for DJ AM, the NCAA is posthumously stripping him of this key victory over the odds.

And now they’re going to do an autopsy? What the fuck for? Looks pretty open and shut to me. Lifelong drug abuser dies surrounded by drugs, having used his last moments to use drugs. Previous suicide attempt on the rap sheet.

Why? Can’t be the parents. Apparently, Daddy AM was an abusive asshole who is currently dead. Mommy AM sent him to rehab, so she may have a stake in this.

His friends? God help me, I really want to put the largest set of quotes ever made around that word. Friends. Nothing but a bunch of ready-made has-beens clinging to each other in the hopes that somehow they’ll matter, at least to themselves. The fuck do they care? They’ll move on. Their memories are as short as their careers and as lasting as their talent.

Maybe they’ll start a memorial fund, dropping cocaine-tainted $100’s into a lockbox from some teen rehab facility. Maybe not.

Is someone out there hoping the toxicology report will somehow turn the c-list sinner into a saint? A martyr for the privileged starfucker way of life? That he somehow OD’ed on “life”?

In a (very) brief memoriam, let’s take a look at DJ AM’s contribution to the music world:

  • Crazy Town – The Gift of Game
  • DJ AM & Travis Barker – Fix Your Face (Vol. 1)
  • DJ AM & Travis Barker – Fix Your Face (Vol. 2)

One album with a one-hit wonder and two compilation albums that were apparently released by his label, Street Corner Trunk Sales. No wonder he was beloved by fans of music and DJs alike.

R.I.P. DJ AM. The light that burns half as bright gets extinguished by the slightest breeze.

-CLT

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Lou Dobbs: Shitty Employee

August 6, 2009
A general note:
I am in the process of quitting smoking. I was prepared for the withdrawal symptoms of restlessness and homicidal urges. What caught me completely unaware was the sluggishness. My brain only feels about half awake most of the time. The rest of the time it only thinks of cigarettes.
My brain apparently needs 15-20 solid hits of nicotine a day to get all of the synapses firing. I’m trying to power thru it, but I think my writing may be a bit off.
You may pick up on this. Feel free to say so in the comment box. Something like, “CLT was more clever/insightful/of an asshole when he was still smoking.” I won’t go back to smoking, if for no other reason than I’d rather not crowdsource my addictions. But I feel your pain.
I felt the same way back in the mid-90’s when I heard one of my favorite bands (Skinny Puppy) has kicked their collective smack habit. I thought, “Jesus, the new album is going to suck.” (It did.)
Without further ado, some smoke-free words about Lou Dobbs, CNN, journalism and capitalism.
Lou Dobbs rests on his laurels; touches self

Lou Dobbs rests on his laurels; touches self

Lots of general cacophony over at CNN and around the news arena as Lou Dobbs continues to patronize the “birthers,” a fringe group whole sole purpose in life is to prove that our President was not born in the U.S.

When I use the word “patronize,” I obviously don’t mean like I patronize Nickelback fans. This would be more like I patronize X Record Store because they make it a point to never, ever stock any Nickelback.

Lou Dobbs, 30 years in the cable news business, seems to have reached that point that nearly every employee does late in their career: the “fuck ’em, I’ll do it my way” stage. Most people with a lifetime of experience in one field seem to reach this point eventually. (Government employees reach this state of maturity in as little as 90 days.) As the world around them continues to change, they become a drag on the company, throwing their seniority around and generally behaving like entitled jackasses.

I’ve run into it in the retail field. Times are tight. Budgets are being cut. People are being cross-trained to help out wherever needed. But not the legacy acts. Those who have been with the company for years have decided that they only need to do the same job they’ve always done, and because of their seniority, should be allowed to put in less effort.

CNN is a company. A private cable channel that happens to broadcast news. Should they be held to a different standard than TNT, USA or Spike? They’ve set themselves up to a higher standard by their selected field, but it doesn’t mean they’re immune to market forces. Failing shows get cut out of the schedule all the time.

Should Dobbs be immune? He’s lost 15% of his viewers in the last year. His “birther” horse-corpse beating was labelled as “dead” by his boss. But he refuses to change. He feels entitled to handle it his way. Instead of helping out his struggling network, he’d rather bring it down from the inside with his misplaced superiority.

"Yellow Tie Night" down 38% in the 25-40 demographic

"Yellow Tie Night" down 38% in the 25-40 demographic

CNN certainly isn’t helping their case. They’ve turned into the worst kind of H.R. rep: the ineffectual busybody. They claim to support him. They try to block critical ads. They need to man up and cut the fucker loose. They’re a few bad moments away from third place behind FOX and MSNBC.

Companies with amazing reputations and the best intentions make these moves when times are tough, from Zappos selling to Amazon or Google dropping the free hot coffee and sensual massages at headquarters.

If he wants to do it his way, he can start punching his own timeclock. FOX says they want him. Let him go. He’ll fit right in with the overexcitable paranoiacs who are all about presenting the “FAIR” and “BALANCED” viewpoint.

I have no sympathy for Dobbs, whose urge to continue slumming it on the “high road” is becoming an embarrassment for everyone around him. I can hardly sympathize with CNN either, because of their unwillingness to make the correct decision. If Lou manages to hold onto his position, it will only encourage others like him to push as many buttons as they can. He’ll just stick around, making the rest of the team uncomfortable with his outdated jokes and weak bladder.

This kind of dustup is just another nail in journalism’s coffin. Newspaper and magazines are folding. TV news is having a hard time gaining viewers. Blogs and independent websites will fill in this gap without the baggage of having to be profitable. The world is quickly learning that you don’t need a degree to report the news.

All of the news networks act like they only want to bring you the best news from only the most qualified anchors, but they’d staff it with feces-hurling monkeys critiquing the latest “Girls Gone Wild” video if they thought they’d get a permanent net gain in viewers.

Let me just make something perfectly clear: I could give a fuck if Dobbs talks to “birthers” all day long or does nothing but show Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contests. I honestly do not care if his integrity is unassailable and he’s got God in his hip pocket. Run your business like you mean it, CNN. His ratings are dying. Cut him loose.

-CLT

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Profiles in Uselessness: The Bible Thumper

July 23, 2009
Call this number now for prime real estate in heaven!

Call this number now for prime real estate in heaven!

The nemesis of normal people everywhere: the Bible Thumper. Well-versed (no pun intended, I think; or if you think it’s clever enough, then why the hell not…) in the parts they like of the Holy Bible, these do-gooders scour the world clean of any offensiveness, intended or not.

“Do-gooders” is actually a misnomer. These people tend to be more self-interested than many of the people they despise. They have somehow turned their knowledge of good and evil into a holier-than-thou weapon, to be wielded at the slightest provocation.

Someone said, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” (I think it was Malcolm X.) In the case of these freaks, their eyes are the window to your soul, every deep black sinful inch of it. You may come across one in their native habitat (church entryway, Bible bookstore, abortion protest) and even find them personable and cheery.

But step across that line inadvertently (and unless you’re a complete asshole, it will happen and it will be inadvertent) and the gates of holy judgement will slam shut, sealing you out and packing you neatly away into the overcrowded “Sinner” compartment. Once you’re in there, there is no coming back out, no matter how persuasive your arguments. YOU. ARE. WRONG.

Fortunately, these “Godlike” people tend to be human beings, and as such are hypocritical, deceitful, misguided and petty as any of us. Perhaps more so, since they suffer the delusion of being “chosen by God,” something that doesn’t hamstring the rest of us.

They also make lousy employees.

Good girls go to heaven. Amy Grant gets a Hollywood star. See you in hell, baby.

Good girls go to heaven. Amy Grant gets a Hollywood star. See you in hell, baby.

Former employers:

  • Hyvee Grocery Stores – Customer asked for location of Boca Burgers. X replied with, “Did you check the ‘fag’ section?”
  • Super 8 Motels – Demanded valid ID from any registering couples to ensure they were properly married, etc. “in God’s eyes.” Repeatedly disabling in-room movie service.
  • 7-11 Convenience Stores – Verbally assaulted Rainbo Breads delivery driver, raising questions about his sexual preference and insinuating that his truck was filled with young boys rather than delicious breads and pastries.
  • OfficeMax – Seemed to work fine, but we were all sick of her constant stories about whatever had offended her on TV the night before, told repeatedly and in clinical detail.
  • Omaha Zoo – Happened across two tapirs in mid-intercourse and stormed out, throwing Jack Chick tracts everywhere.
  • ACLU – Have we just stopped screening applicants altogether? What the fucking fuck?!?
  • The Good Bookery Christian Bookstore – Refused to stock or promoted “whore of Babylon” Amy Grant’s latest album; constant referral to “plain English” NIV translation as the “work of Satan.”
  • The Gap – Constant referral to our intricate shirt-folding instructions as “unnatural” and the “work of Satan;” also frequently commented on the “ungodly music” issued by our Gap radio network.
  • Gamestop – Kept taking all copies of Grand Theft Auto to the lockup behind the counter or out to the dumpster to burn, despite constant reminders that a.) she did not work here and b.) the police were on their way. Her response was, “Oh. Now you think law enforcement is ‘cool.’ We’ll discuss your open-world scenarios and prostitute beating with them.”
  • Make a Wish Foundation – Told child, “What horrible sin did you commit to earn your terminal illness? Stop crying, tears won’t cure brain cancer any more than wishing. What you need is prayer, God’s placebo.”

One of the way these Bible Thumpers display their “good works” is by joining various causes, forwarding chain letters and signing various petitions. Too secure in their own righteousness to be bothered by human compassion, facts or even spelling, the Thumpers take the road heavily travelled, paved with smug ignorance.

In their own way much like their polar opposite, the Wiccan liberal nature-worshipper, in that they both have better ideas on how everyone else should live their lives, where they should shop and go to school and what time they should all be in bed. These bi-polar twins also have something against sex, protected or otherwise. On one hand: it’s a sin. On the other: it’s breeding more earth-killing humans.

One Disney employee down, several thousand to go...

One Disney employee down, several thousand to go...

Here’s a brief look at what’s troubling the inboxes of bleeding-stigmata holy rollers these days:

Outrages/Protests/Petitions/Concerns/Chain Letters:

  • Harry Potter – Portrayal of magic, facial scars as acceptable to children.
  • Herbal Essence ads – Depiction of female orgasm as normal, enjoyable and even possible without outside assistance.
  • Dancing with the Stars – Female contestants dresses are too short – in both places. Some male stars sporting noticeable “bulges.”
  • WordPress.com – Host of several “questionable” blogs that traffic in, among other things:
    Wanton elevator-related lust
    Questioning of Ms. California’s purity
    Positive portrayal of convicted felons
    Depiction of roosters as capable of asexual reproduction
    Besmirching Rachel Ray’s purity; hosting weeklong slideshows
    Attempting to “talk” away the wages of sin through the pseudoscience of psychoanalysis
    Recommending alcohol usage; frequently taking the Lord’s name in vain
    Positive portrayal of non-Christian published writers
    Mocking suicide victims, which, although it is an affront to God, is still kind of awful and tasteless.
  • Obama’s Stimulus Plan – In my opinion, no one needs to be “stimulated.” It leads to diabetes, blindness and state-ordained genocide.
  • Hybrid vehicles – If God didn’t want us to use fossil fuels, He wouldn’t have killed off all the dinosaurs hundred of years ago.
  • Sick of dealing with arguments about the Bible’s many inconsistencies and contradictions? God made us in His image. Let’s return the favor by rewriting His book in ours.
  • RSS Feed for food-related miracles – Up for auction now:
    – Virgin Mary (tortilla)
    – Jesus (grilled cheese on wheat)
    – Billy Graham (Reuben on rye)
    – Mother Theresa (Gogurt spill)
    – Calvin pissing on Bhudda (Spicy Nacho Dorito)
  • Kellogg’s Corn Flakes – No longer the great anti-masturbatorial aid it once was.
  • World of Warcraft – More like World of Witchcraft, am I right, parents?
  • The Weather Channel – 10-day forecast: harmless projection or dangerous divination?
  • Petition to remove World Book Encyclopedias from the elementary school library – reasons listed:
    – References to the occult (O-Or) and satanism (S-Sl)
    – Information on other religions
    – Graphic depictions of the human reproductive system
    – Evolution portrayed as science
    – No references to the coming apocalypse
    – Everyone’s using Wikipedia anyway; we could stock the empty shelf space with all 28 volumes of Strong’s Concordance to the Bible
  • Letter to president of Believers In God’s Own Truth
  • Bring back the Hays Code!
  • Christmas – A time of family togetherness or a bacchanal of pagan rituals? December 25th wasn’t even Jesus’ birthday as the Jewish calendar wasn’t fully formed until the law firm of Lowestein, Schobel and Witz put one out towards the end of 1781.
  • Chain mail recipient and forwarder of any diatribe on these subjects:
    – Homosexuality
    – The ACLU doing anything about anything
    – Any “evidence” of a “one-world government”
    – Bring back 7th Heaven
    – Things not being the way they used to be
    – Prayer chain of healing for Martha Swinson, who just discovered a possible tumor
    – Prayer chain of thanks for Martha Swinson’s tumor, which just turned out to be part of a malformed underwire bra
    – Prayer chain of guidance for Martha Swinson’s search for another, more competent doctor
    – Good Lord, look what Disney’s done now
    – Chain letter informing recipients that, due to recent economic slowdown, all chain letter generation and forwarding is now being outsourced

Now here’s what troubles me the most. The hypocrisy.

I can hate on anyone I want, if for no other reason, than I am not fronting for God or claiming to be more enlightened (I’m looking at you, White Male Protester). However, generally speaking, I am not a hateful person.

There’s a lot out there that will earn my disdain, but not a lot that will make me forget the human that lurks under every hated category. This is what seems to be missing from both sides of this. The contempt shown for their fellow human beings is unforgivable. And to act on this contempt, while propping yourself up on the Bible or white guilt, is despicable.

Let people live their lives. If they are not actively harming you or other around you, who gives a goddamn what the hell they do. If they want to watch someone turn the story of Christ into a metaphor for AIDS, who fucking cares? If they want to eat hybrid corn with their caged-up steak because it’s cheap and plentiful, shut the fuck up and get out of their kitchen.

It’s the point when your beliefs encroach on mine, usually through some groundswell movement that smacks the butterfly, whose flapping wings excite the air around the nearest Congressman facing a tough re-election battle, that I start getting pissed.

My life: here. Your life: there. You want to spend every Sunday in church praying for my soul, so be it. You want to take my favorite show off the air because you can’t find the fucking off switch on your own television, fuck you.

The Golden Rule: mind your own business.

-CLT

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The Stabbing Knife Vol. 1 – ASCAP

July 21, 2009

Roberto_jpg

Time to unpack the stabbing knife. Kids: don’t read any further than this unless a.) you really want to, or b.) no one’s stopping you.

Pity the poor music industry. Or don’t. Any group that claims to speak out for “poor artists” at press conferences while sending packs of lawyers out the back door doesn’t deserve your pity. Contempt, perhaps. But not pity.

Having long ago run out of sane ideas on how to maintain their wealth, ASCAP (the American Society of Composers, Authors and Performers) has decided that everyone, everywhere should be forced to pay in perpetuity for listening to music. It’s just not enough to buy the album these days.

First, a little rundown on their targets. A rogue’s gallery of copyright violators and pirates of every shade. Here’s who ASCAP is billing now:

Anyone who embeds video on their website.
So pretty much everyone at every blog site and everyone everywhere else. Specifically, this goes after YouTube, which is a bit of a stretch, especially considering YouTube has already agreed to pay them $1.6 million for hosting the videos. Now ASCAP would like to collect again. And again. And again.

The town of New Milford, CT.
ASCAP would like $280 because the town center “sometimes has music playing.” The city council voted to ignore the billing, tabling it indefinitely. BMI and SESAC responded by increasing the amount of their claims to $3,000 and $1,500.

Everyone who owns a cellphone.
Well, maybe not everybody. Not if you’ve never purchased a ringtone featuring a popular artist. ASCAP is claiming that your cellphone, while doing its job of alerting you to an incoming call, is performing publicly and thus subject to royalty charges. Better put that phone on vibrate. Those easily excited can just set it to mute.

Hosts of open mic nights.
ASCAP and BMI have hit owners of small coffeeshops and bars with bills ranging from $350 to $6000 to cover “performance royalties.” Some have had to shut the open mic nights down, thus cutting off several fledgling artists from finding a venue in which to perform. Others have tried to get their acts to sign waivers stating that they will only perform original material. ASCAP has ignored these.

Here’s an incredibly arrogant and ignorant quote on the subject:

Vince Candilora, ASCAP’s vice president for licensing, says the fees are set at a “very good rate,” adding, “What gives anyone the right to use someone else’s property, even though they’re not making money on it? I can guarantee you the phone company’s going to charge you whether you’re making money or not.”

So… a band playing a cover song is like the phone service? Always on? Multiple lines? Phone companies bill for services provided. You’re charging the bar owner for what exactly? The music played? The instruments provided? The soundsystem? What exactly are you providing in exchange for this money?

Related: a nightclub owner in Vail, CO paid $40,000 to ASCAP because a band played 10 cover songs during its appearance. A real bargain, considering ASCAP originally wanted $30,000 per song.

Anybody who sings Happy Birthday.
Over 1% of the total money collected by ASCAP comes from this one song, arguably the most popular song ever. And that copyright claim they collect on may be completely bogus. But who needs facts and research when threats and intimidation will accomplish more in less time?

Bitches better have my money...

Bitches better have my money...

The Girl Scouts of America.
We can debate the propriety and taste of teaching the little cookie-pushers the Macarena, but really… threatening the Girl Scouts? A bunch of 8-year old girls who are now afraid to dance and sing… I hope you’re happy. Perhaps the lawyers will stop by and kill their pets while they’re away at camp.

In all fairness, ASCAP dropped the campaign to wring money out of a beloved American institution. But only after the public shaming. And what the fuck? Who greenlighted this action? If anything highlights the antagonistic entitlement these jackasses feel, this does.

And that just covers some recent stupidity from America. Here’s a very brief rundown on what’s going on in the rest of the world:

These actions mark performance rights groups as true bullies, never willing to go head-to-head with a comparable foe, but rather beat up on charities, small businesses and little girls.

You’d think that an industry so strained for cash would want to have as many people as possible exposed to their product. Apparently it would be easier for them if one person paid royalties over and over again via this business model:

  • Buy CD. ($10-15)
  • Play CD at work. (Pay public performance royalties.)
  • Play CD on car ride home with windows down and stereo up. (Performance royalties.)
  • Throw a little house party. Get new CD pumpin’. (More performance royalties.)
  • Sing a little of the CD in the shower the next morning. Whoops. Left the door open. (Performance royalties.)
  • Etc.

ASCAP continues its push, getting into bed with Congress (although, let’s face it, our representatives have all the self-restraint and self-respect as any “Girl Gone Wild”) in an effort to collect additional performance fees anytime a song gets played on the radio. This hypocritical gouging is covered in a delightful ironic sauce, as ASCAP and the RIAA have both been in hot water for paying the radio stations to play their music.

Awwww... a rescue shelter! Look at that dog with three legs! He's trying to jump. Awww... Anyway. Pay the fuck up.

Awwww... a rescue shelter! Look at that dog with three legs! He's trying to jump! Adorable... Anyway. Pay the fuck up.

Now the shoe is on the other litigious foot, and their favorite promotional vehicle has now become a sacrificial cash cow.

All that ASCAP will do is ensure that they and their lawyers get paid. Some of the top 5% of their stable of artists will get some trickledown (think U2, Rolling Stones, etc.) Those slightly below this threshold may see some tiny residuals. And everyone else gets jackshit. Nothing but fewer places to play and promote their music.

I haven’t sent one out for awhile but I think the time has come:

Fuck you, ASCAP. Fuck your ignorance, your false sense of entitlement and your abusive tactics. Fuck you just like you’re fucking 95% of the artists on your roster.

Stick it to the man. Play your music loud. Invite your friends over and play all the music you can. Promote your favorite bands. Embed their videos everywhere. Support your local cover band. Donate to your favorite charities. Buy Girl Scout cookies.

-CLT

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Profiles in Uselessness-the White Male Protester

July 14, 2009
Troubled youth misunderstands point of last week's Nike protest

Nike's unexpected sponsorship allowed the rioters to upgrade their "rock-hurling" capabilities.

In a temporary lull… enjoy something you may have seen before (originally posted March 30, 2009).

Background
White, suburban upper-middle class.
Upbringing voted “Most Oppressive” by self, other suburban whites.
Takes Earth Day off from work (also Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday).
Use variations of “green” like the rest of us use “fuck.”

Under-employment history:
Part-time barrista, 2Girls1Cup Coffee Shop
Fired for: Failure to meet minimum “awareness” level.

Part-time server, Murphy’s Raw & Uncut Vegan Restaurant
Fired for: Not transsexual enough.

Part-time cashier, Weighty Pretensions Alternative Bookstore
Fired for: Failure to meet minimum facial piercing requirement.

Part-time clerk, Rolling Stoned “Record” Store
Fired for: “Failure to imply that tobacco pipes and accessories could be used for more recreational (and illegal) drugs.”

Intern, Aging Hipster Records
Fired for: “Failure to attend either of two US festivals from 1982/83; constant use of ‘I wasn’t even born yet!’ excuse.

Part-time Assistant Shirt Folder, the Gap
Fired for: “Failure to meet harsh requirements of a 15-hour workweek.”

asshat

Jeff regretted two things; the bowling balls in his backpack and the flag he had eaten at the last protest.

Petitions Signed:
– Vegan Co-op Bill of Rights
– Initiative for Continued Use of Inflated/Imaginary Statistics
– Animal Testing Ban at Purina, Iams
– Di-hydrogen Monoxide Ban
– Tax the Rich (More)
– The Berkeley Womandate
– Free Market Expansion
– Save the Seagoing Mammals
– Increase Our Double-Standard of Living Now!
– Free Leonard Peltier
– Free Everything for Jobless Slackers
– Repeal the Death Penalty
– Death Penalty for Corporate Polluters
– Mandatory 15-Hour Workweek

Unusually tall leprechauns protest lack of adequate charm protection.

Unusually tall leprechauns protest lack of adequate charm protection.

Quotes from roommates, employers, family:
– “And now you’re homeless. Hope that’s ‘oppressive’ enough for you. Gather up your shit and your empathy and get the fuck out.”
– “I’ve seen more mental and physical activities in coma victims.”
– “Unlike you, the housework isn’t going to spend all evening ‘doing itself.'”
– “A ‘free market’ refers to unfettered capitalism, you retard. It has nothing to adjusting goods and services prices down to $0.”
– “Just a pointer for your next interview: try to wear something that isn’t tie-dyed or covered in marijuana leaves.”
– “You’re lucky most of the reflexes and motions needed to keep you alive are involuntary.”
– “Maybe you should start your own business in the fragrance industry. You could start with ‘Lazy Ass,’ a heady blend of patchouli, bongwater, sweaty dreadlocks and failure.”
– “Ah… spending the day ‘fighting the power’ from the couch again, I see.”
– “Your political views and sexual inadequacies are swiftly turning me into that rarest of creatures, the lesbian Republican.”
– “You are aware, ‘sir,’ that we do have a pre-employment urine screening policy.”
– “I just really, really want to punch you in the face right now.”
– “Ah, ‘sticking it to the man’ by failing to show up for work again. Right on, bro.”
– “In all my years running this commune, I am proud that I have been able to bring out the best in every member. I guess every streak has to end…”

Best case scenario: another Ralph Nader.

Unfortunately, this will be another bus/bike-riding busybody who’s going to save the world through their bold plan of making hemp bracelets and growing some vegetables in a window box.

Truly useless, these disenfranchised youths will spend several (if not all) of their years living off other people’s money: mom and dad, roommates, taxpayers. By solely choosing to spend a majority of their time breathing, they have already taken more from the world than they can ever hope to give back.

With their bold stances and corporate logos, they unite to push the developed world back into third world conditions and the third world back into the Stone Age through a ridiculous set of standards and complete disregard for the welfare of their fellow man. Somehow making the world more difficult to live in makes it “better.”

They rail against the fundamental right for its imposition of a belief system while loudly proclaiming the inferiority of nearly every person around them for failing to lockstep into an “Earth First, Humans Last” ideology.

All hail the white male protester, the odd man out in the Benetton tapestry that is the world. Consumed by liberal guilt, one can only hope that he continues to toss his vote in the Green Party trashcan every four years and gets run over by the very bus he’s waiting for before he can do any lasting damage.

So, go ahead, you fucking jackass. Break that window. Maybe you can be part of that perfect, random act of kindness: the beating given to you by an overworked and underpaid cop may give him a reason to smile today.

-CLT

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Profiles in Randomness: Roberto

July 4, 2009
Roberto, pictured here with beloved friend and longtime companion, his Stabbing Knife

Roberto, pictured here with beloved friend and longtime companion, his Stabbing Knife

One of the all-time great minor characters from anywhere at any time, Futurama’s Roberto is a stabbing robot. This is not a malfunction or distressing sign of sentience, but rather his whole purpose. Evidence exists in this clip, in which Roberto (and Bender) are both in line for a compliance upgrade, to better mesh with Mom’s (a worldwide monopoly) new 1-X Robot.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/69647/futurama-going-for-an-upgrade

Another appearance has him sharing a room with Fry at the local insane robot facility and terrorizing him all night long by practicing his stabbing.

How insane is he? Bender and Fry run into him while in line at the bank, which Roberto decides to rob (again).
Bender: I like your style. Robbing the same bank twice. Classy.
Roberto: The first time was to just case the joint and rob it a little.

And, of course, this interjection: You’re not made of Tuesday!

As is my style, I have completely and shamelessly co-opted Roberto’s love of stabbing to serve as shorthand for the irritants in life which make me feel a tad homicidal. Without further ado, an incomplete and disorganized list of the things in life that make me reach for my “stabbing knife:”

  • Centerfield by John Fogerty
  • The Devil Went Down to Georgia by the Charlie Daniels Band
  • Brass in Pocket by the Pretenders
  • Barbie Girl by Aqua
  • Nearly every piece of mainstream country that has been released in the last 10 years
  • Nickelback
  • Any time Bono opines about anything
  • Keanu Reeves
  • Child actors
  • Menthol cigarettes
  • Patrons who order complicated drinks in establishments that serve their drinks in plastic cups
  • Birthday songs in chain restaurants
  • The RIAA and ASCAP
  • People who have decided their pot usage is a “lifestyle choice” and are now sticking it to the man by being underemployed for life
  • Overuse of current slang, ironic or not
  • The ethanol lobby, in charge of lightening your wallet, breaking your car and shoving your food supply into your gas tank
  • Militant anti-smokers
  • Moral panics
  • People who get “outraged” at pretty much everything
  • Fox News – just because you’re louder doesn’t mean you’re correct
  • Jay Leno
  • The TSA (“They took my stabbing clippers!”) and anything other elements of our blossoming police state, all done under the guise of the “War on Terror”
  • Nearly every motherfucker in Washington, DC (except this guy, who has never taken an earmark)
  • Wacky morning DJs
  • The “comedians” of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour
  • The frat boy mentality
  • The New York Yankees
  • Warning labels
  • Paul Ehrlich

Feel free to add your own particular triggers in the comments. I’d love to see what you hate…

-CLT

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RIAA, Jack Ely Team Up to Deprive Themselves of Last Remaining Promotional Tool

May 5, 2009
Jack Ely shows off guitar, false sense of entitlement

Jack Ely shows off guitar, false sense of entitlement

It must be another day ending in “y” if the RIAA is on the attack again. Once again, they’re headed after the radio stations. The same radio stations that the labels got in trouble for paying to get their records played. Apparently, their only remaining means of promotion isn’t good enough.

Things used to be great for the recording industry. They donned their sandpaper dildo and proceeded to fuck each and every artist and fan out there. Then things changed. Used CD stores opened. P2P took off. Artists defected.

Now the sandpaper is in the other anus and the RIAA is feeling the “love” that they have worked so hard to create. So they have responded the only way they know how. By pressing the “Release the Lawyers” button. Now this will all come to a head as two lobbying groups and their lawyers meet in Washington D.C., the ultimate Pyrrhic battlefield.

And who have the RIAA trotted out to tug at the heartstrings of the uninformed? None other than Jack Ely, whose claim to 15 minutes was being the frontmouth of the Kingsmen’s 1963 hit, Louie Louie. Jack’s complaining that he’s not receiving any money from repeated airplay of the hit single.

First things fucking last: He didn’t write the song. Richard Berry did and he owns the rights. By Ely’s logic, the guitarist, drummer, bassist, sound engineer, producer, internist and studio janitor should all be getting a piece of the action. After all, they all were present during the recording.

2. Jack was paid $5000 for his work on this song. I get paid hourly wages at my job, working on a patented tarp system. Just because I am an integral part of the whole assembly team doesn’t mean that I should be picking up residuals from every sale, especially 44 years after working there.

Jack, if you didn’t like what you were being paid, the time to bitch about it would have been 40+ years ago, at the time of payment. Get your fucking head out of the “I’m retired, give me free money,” mindset.

3. Jack’s bitching because he and his wife have to live on $30,000 a year and they “have a mortgage to pay off.” A mobile home mortgage, to be exact.

Fuck you, buddy. I have a family of five to support and will gross a little over $40,000 this year. I have a mortgage to pay off. On a house with no wheels. Keep in mind that I’m still working and providing you with free social security money.

Yeah, your life sucks, former Kingsmen vocalist.

4. You didn’t write the song. You. Did. Not. Write. The. Song. It’s not “your” song. You were simply a tool used to assemble a novelty hit. If you hadn’t done it, someone else would have. It couldn’t have been that tough, seeing as it is one of the most covered songs in rock history. And most cover bands aren’t looking for songs with steep learning curves.

Jack Ely (center), former Kingsmen vocalist, know for his adequate singing talent and incessant "life isn't fair" whining

Jack Ely (center), former Kingsmen vocalist, know for his adequate singing and "life isn't fair" attitude

If you’re not happy with the hired gun money you made, go fuck yourself. You had your chance. I fail to see how it’s the radio station’s fault that you have the negotiating skills of a Ritalin-addled six year old.

Sure, the RIAA is primed for a “multi-year battle,” no doubt urged on by the hourly-billing lawyers. Maybe once they’re done crippling the radio stations and further destroying their already limited future, they’ll head after any marching band who’s done a blaring, atonal rendition of “Louie, Louie.” (For those keeping score at home, that would be every single marching band ever.)

The RIAA has already proved they’re not above dragging 10-year old kids and octogenarians into court, so I’m sure they’ll have no qualms about beating up schoolkids for their lunch money. And once they’re done fucking everyone else out of their money, they’ll resume fucking every artist they represent out of their share.

Postscript: while searching for more info, I came across this interesting post from Jack Ely at mog.com. And by interesting, I mean hypocritical.

And I quote:

The solution is to give the world all the free music it wants, but to give the recording entity, whether it be a record company or a producer, or whomever, a cut of every live performance.

He’s dead on about live performances picking up the revenue slack of file-sharing, but when did he decide that a 44-year-old recording was supposed to finance his golden years?

-CLT

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The Government: Too Big to Succeed

May 3, 2009

googleharm_whitehouse

The more I hear, read or otherwise absorb about our government, the sicker I get. Over the course of my lifetime, our representatives have been quickly shedding the pretense of being their constituents’ voice in Washington.

At this point, the entire process has gone off the rails. Here are some suggestions for fixing it:

Term Limits
They’ve slapped one on the highest power in the U.S. ever since FDR refused to die until his fourth term. But for some reason, senators and congressmen are allowed to hold the same damn position for 20, 30, 40+ years.

I’m not sure what this says about their constituents (other than they’d rather not have to change their “angry citizen tirade” letterhead), but let’s just get a new set of ripoff artists into the seats every 6-8 years.

This should motivate any worldbeaters to do more than piss their time away with motions recognizing local heroes (“James Klum, for setting a new meet record at the district II-AA regional quarterfinals…”) and spend more time actually improving their nation. This will also limit the damage done by special interest whores with a career-politician mentality.

Eliminate Automatic Pay Raises
Currently, to be eligible for a bump in pay, all a Congressman or Senator needs to do is sit home and wait for the automatic pay raise to sail through uncontested. Understandably, this day is chosen by the D.C. janitorial system to do a deep cleaning of the usually congested area.

Pay raises should be instituted only upon reelection. Better yet, let your constituents vote on your yearly pay raise. I guarantee most government employees would select the former rather than leave it in the hands of the same people they’re pissing off.

End the War on Drugs
I’m not going to spend much time rehashing everything that’s wrong with this dismal failure. So far, the only purposes it serves is to ensure a healthy income for foreign drug lords and a steady incarceration of stoners.

Revamp the Legislative System
Open any major bill to a public vote. Better yet, allow each state to vote separately. This one-size-fucks-all form of legislating is making a mockery of the word “representative.” Certainly, this will keep a lot of pork from being shoved into the bills’ ILBs. Plus, the government really needs to learn to trust its citizens, rather than following the normal “Uncle Sam’s Day Care for Adults” line of thinking.

Campaign Contribution Transparency
Yeah, this is in place already but who is really going to spend the time researching all of these names and trying to connect the dots. My suggestion is that each candidate be given a NASCAR type jumpsuit on which to sew the logos of each major corporation/special interest group that has donated above a certain dollar amount to them. These logos should also be applied to their campaign vehicles. Once another higher dollar amount has been met, any televised speech/debate should have a mandatory introduction a la this: “Republican Congressional Candidate A, brought to you by Enron, Mobil and a special grant from Philip Morris.”

It’s time to let the people know who you really represent. If elected, the jumpsuit stays on.

Government Employees
Effective immediately, via a speech from Alec Baldwin, all employees have one week left to work. Make them earn their jobs back. Nothing is more crippled than the multi-billion dollar collection of lazy, underqualified, bureaucratic hacks we call public service. And while we’re at it, tear the budgeting system a new asshole. No more of this “use the rest of the budget or we won’t get it next year” bullshit. More wasteful and useless programs have been created and abandoned just to make sure the hole receives the same amount of discarded money from year to year.

To sum up: you’re all fired and have one week to prove you’re worth something. Your new budget is $0. Try to keep it as close to that as possible.

-CLT

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CYA FTW!

May 1, 2009
Drunk at work? Oooh... you'd better believe that's a paddlin'.

Drunk at work? Oooh... you'd better believe that's a paddlin'.

Had an interesting (if nearly pointless) experience at work today.

A little background: I work in metal fabrication making items like caps and tarp systems for semis and grain trailers, etc. Pretty much everything in the building (machinery and parts) is either 1.) sharp, 2.) heavy or 3.) deadly.

One of my fellow employees shows up at work today, still obviously hammered and reeking of alcohol. This employee has earned the nickname “Pockets” (a reference to where his hands always are) and spends almost every morning looking more than little hungover.

More background on Pockets: approx. 23 years old, two DUIs on his record, goes home after work and takes a nap before hitting the bars all night long and showing up for work the next day.

I go up to him and say, “Are you still drunk?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Really? Because that’s all I’ve been hearing.”

I check with his friend who gave him a ride to work.

“Is he still drunk?”
“Yeah. I didn’t realize how drunk until I gave him a ride. He’s been drunk before but not this bad. I’m getting pretty sick of his shit.”

I go back to Pockets.

“You think it’s OK for you to show up here all fucked up?”
“I’m not drunk.”
“Are you kidding? You reek of booze.”
“No, I don’t.”

(We’ll pause here to consider the stupidity of that last riposte. Your personal BAC may be beyond my skill as a layman, but I’m pretty sure you can’t argue about the odor you’re emitting. That’s public domain. And it smells exactly like an opened beer. Several of them.)

“You’re drunk and you’re going to show up here? Someplace where everything is heavy and done on heavy machines? Best case scenario is you hurt yourself. But more likely, you’re going to end up hurting someone else.”
“I’m not fucking drunk.”
“What you need to do is go sit your ass down until our manager gets here.”
“But…”
“I’m not your supervisor so I can’t make you do this, but you need to get the fuck out of everyone else’s way.”
“I’m not drunk.”
“You’re full of shit.”

I wait for our supervisor to show up and tell him that I’m fairly sure Pockets will still blow hot on a B.A.C. test. He follows the employee handbook on this. Get an independent witness. Done. Get HR to fill out paperwork for the B.A.C. test. Done. They escort him off to the clinic for the test.

My conversations with him took place between 7:20-7:45 am. He gets escorted out around 9 am. They don’t even get to his test until after 10 am. Even with the extra 3 hours of not drinking, he still blows hot.

I’m thinking that’s it. Goodbye.

But no. He now has to attend mandatory Employee Assistance Meetings and has one more strike left. He shows up verifiably drunk again and he’s gone. My manager told him, “If it was up to me, I’d fire your ass now.”

He should be gone. He is willing to put himself and others in danger just because he likes to drink pretty much nonstop. He loses a limb, so what. He’s still living with mommy and daddy and has nobody relying on him for income.  But if he injures nearly anyone else, he’s taking food off the plate of decent human beings who have the ability to show up and do their job unimpaired.

So, thanks to our government, nearly everyone gets to be treated like a government employee and be given a million chances to show how incompetent they are. You have someone show up drunk to work in an already dangerous job and they still get a mulligan.

Bullshit.

-CLT