Posts Tagged ‘Emergency Room’

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The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 2

August 24, 2010
[Continuing on in the series. Originally published Nov. 26th, 2009.]

If you’re just joining us, be sure and check out the Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 1, in which we covered Pre-Delivery Preparations, Driving Arrangements and Checking In.

The modern delivery room: inviting as all hell.

The Delivery Room
This is where the miracle of childbirth happens.*

* If any attending medical personnel refer to the “miracle” of childbirth, have them replaced immediately with competent personnel. Otherwise, these starry-eyed attendants will be voting down the epidural and suggesting your wife deliver the baby in the nearest swimming pool. The only people who should be referring to this as a “miracle” are you and your wife.**
** Your wife will not be referring to this as a “miracle” as the word “miracle” tends to indicate something effortless and painless. In fact, it will most likely be referred to as a “curse” or “cruel joke” that is inflicted on all women by uncaring, useless men. Namely, by you on her.

Your doctor will now ask your partner to do any number of impossible things, like “breath easily,” “get comfortable” and “stop swearing.” You, as the man, have exactly two directions to follow: shut up and get out of the way.

Your partner may be saying something like, “The baby’s coming now!” Base your reactions on the actions of the medical team. Depending on the woman, “right now” can mean anywhere from ten minutes to thirty-six hours. Until they spring into action, find somewhere uncomfortable and take a seat.

While you browse 30-year-old copies of Highlights and AARP pamphlets, nurses will shuttle in and out checking vital signs like blood pressure and dilation. (Based on your previous answer, you will be greatly surprised at where the nurses believe your partner’s pupils are located.)

While the breech position earns more points for complexity, it almost always loses points for presentation.

The Delivery
As the contractions kick in and your partner’s physical exertion increases, the heady cocktail of pain, emotion and hormones will often result in you being held accountable for everything that has every gone wrong in the history of ever, due to your constant jackassery and inconsiderate actions. Try not to take this personally, you thoughtless prick.

As the swearing and unpleasantness continue, do your best to support your partner by saying as little as possible. Long-forgotten arguments and other points of contention will rise to the surface, starting from “You bastard!” and continuing on to touchy subjects such as these:

  • Why you insist on continuing your questionable bloodline
  • Why your parents insisted on continuing theirs
  • The size of your genitalia in relation to past, better-endowed lovers
  • The size of your shoes in comparison to the starting five of the L.A. Lakers
  • Your million-and-one annoying habits
  • Your childlike insecurity about having your genital size discussed in a room full of complete strangers, most of them women
  • Your “thing” for golf
  • Your “fucking” of her sister
  • Your selfishness in allowing her to suffer the agony of childbirth alone

Try not to respond to any of these statements. Rebuttals such as “Well, you were the one who vetoed my contraceptive plan of anal sex and blowjobs,” or “In all fairness, she’s only your half-sister,” will only make the situation worse.

However, if your nurse is an attractive and "handsy" lesbian, by all means document the shit out of the delivery.

Documenting the “Miracle”
Despite the unpleasantness of everything involved, certain new father types will insist on aiming the camera at ground zero during the delivery and immediately uploading the video to the nearest public website.

If you feel you are one of these men, please consult a physician about an emergency vasectomy. You are too obtuse to be allowed to raise further, well-documented children. If you are uninsured, feel free to punch yourself in the crotch until the urge to start filming vanishes.

Some new fathers will feel this way out of ignorance. Let Fancy Plans break it down for you.

Remember the chestburster scene from Alien? Well, that’s what going to happen here. But instead of John Hurt’s chest it will occur in a body part that your are most likely particularly fond of. And instead of it being a slim, efficient killing machine, it will be an incredibly large and grumpy miniature human being that will drive you both to an early grave over the next 18-30 years.

If you still feel this is a beautiful moment that must e shared with others, then you are probably related to David Cronenberg or H.R. Giger.

If this is a C-Section, the rule still applies. Just replace “vaginaburst” with “disembowel.”

Coming up in the final installment: Post-Delivery Plans, Circumcision, Naming Your Child and Planning for the Future.

-CLT

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Time/Life Books’ Amateur Handyman Series: Vol. 3

June 25, 2010
[You know what people say they “just love” about Fancy Plans and Pants to Match? The lack of new content. I’m sure they say that, like, all the time. Here’s one from the archives in lieu of one from the forebrain: originally posted on September 10, 2009. Sorry about all the dust…]

This latest edition in the Time/Life Amateur Handyman Series is Birdhouses & Shit: Hundreds of Ways to Waste Your Children’s Summer Vacation and Make the Best Use of Your Inadequate Tool Selection. This selection features the expertise of Paul Macguire, a finish carpenter with over 40 years experience, last seen teaching shop at Devry. Despite feeling “incredibly over-qualified,” Paul’s expert skill and surly manner promise to be a potent combination that will have you up and running in no time.

Previous volumes can be found here: The Time/Life Archives

Keep dreaming, rookie. Yours is going to look nothing like this.

Keep dreaming, rookie. Yours is going to look nothing like this.

Project #1 – Birdhouse

Let’s get started. A birdhouse, huh? Well, why not.

Don’t kid yourselves. No bird will ever get within 50 feet of this thing. They build their own. If, by some odd chance, some lazy bird stumbles into this thing, he’ll soon be having his ass handed to him by the nearest blue jay, nature’s homeowner’s association president. That, or you’ll spend your free time evicting squirrel after squirrel. Your choice.

First, the “joy” of building it, followed by the tedious micromanagement of being the landlord for the world’s smallest, stupidest and whiniest tenants.

What You’ll Need

  • Pine or Cedar Board (Overall dimensions: 12″x36″x1/4″)
  • Saw (table or hand) – Note: this was not an instruction, Nimrod. Please stop sawing your table or hand.
  • 1/2″ Nails
  • Hammer
  • Wood Glue
  • Sander (belt or hand) – Note: That’s a pretty tender spot for an abrasion. Let’s do this like a game of “Simon Says,” since you clearly need some indication as to when you can jump in and start things up.
  • Paint/Varnish (Optional: But if you really dig that “unfinished” look so much, why don’t you just lean the uncut board against the tree and save us all the trouble?)

Step 1:
Provided you haven’t already disfigured yourself with the saw/sander, go ahead and cut out four pieces matching these dimensions:

  • (2) 8″ x 6″ (front/back)
  • (2) 8″ x 6-1/8″ (side)
  • (1) 6-1/2″ x 6-1/2″ (base)

Remember the old adage: “Measure twice, cut yourself.” Let’s be careful with thumb placement, people. You’ll want those opposable thumbs for holding up the “Will Work for Food” sign. I notice it’s not listed, but unless you’re some sort of dimensional Rainman, you’ll probably want a tape measure or ruler.

Once you have the pieces you need, lay them out in two stacks and the smallest piece separately. Notice that the two stacks should only have 1/8″ difference. If you notice a larger variation then all you really have is some wood to toss in the dumpster or hammer over very small windows during hurricane season.

Uh huh. Well, let’s try it again, only right. 1/8″ is roughly about the size of my patience.

OK, now that we presumably have the correct pieces, let’s continue. Pick up one side piece and the base. Apply a thin line of wood glue to one side of the “side” piece. Not that side. No, really. Go ahead and stick it on there.

Awesome. Now, I’m no rocket surgeon but 8″ is way more than 6-1/2″. I’m sure the birds will love the offset funhouse you’re trying to build, but maybe you could do a little thinking on your own. Put your hands down. I’ll talk. You listen. Any other combination is turning this project into a complete abortion.

Just wipe off the wood glue and try again. It’s not like it’s Wacky Glue or Crazy Glue or JB Weld or anything that actually adheres something to something else. The glue will wipe right off. You’ll notice this effect soon enough. Like when your side wall piece falls right over because wood glue can’t hold shit.

You’ll have to either hold it until a bond develops (30-45 minutes, just like with your makeup-wearing son) or find something to prop it up with.

Even this one may be a bit of a stretch...

Even this one may be a bit of a stretch...

You know what works great for this? Going to the store and pulling a $10 out of your wallet. Bingo. A professionally made birdhouse, just like from the factory. It’s not like this is a deck or an addition to the house, where you could conceivably save some money by doing it yourself. You’re not saving any cash or aggravation by banging this out at home. Christ, it’s a fucking birdhouse.

OK. That side has finally set. Go ahead and repeat these steps for the other side.

Beautiful. The 8″ side again? Jesus. I ran a shop class for a truckload of amputees with OCD that went smoother than this. And that includes the dipshit that somehow nearly lathed himself to death after failing to stop the “crazy train” when he ran out of wood. Substitute teaching is always one catastrofuck after another. I swear, you turn your back for one minute and someone’s got the reciprocating saw halfway through their femur.

Alright. Assuming you now have all four sides on, let’s shore this up with a few nails. Grab your hammer.
That’s a screwdriver.
That’s your leftover wood.
That’s your screwdriver again.
Here’s a picture of what we’re looking for:

While you’re playing Scavenger Hunt with your only clue, let me just tell you what is wrong with the carpentry/shop class field. No. You will listen. No one has a sense of perspective. One reckless endangerment charge and suddenly you’re out of the sweet Devry gig and caged with a half-dozen other parolees cranking out How-To’s in the Time/Life paper mill.

Back to the birdhouse. You’ll need to put the nail pointy-side down and hit the flat side with your hammer or screwdriver or wood glue bottle for all I care.

Oops! That’s going to be tender for awhile. Swing carefully, you’ve got those always-in-harm’s way thumbs all over the place.

Wow. That’s going to be tender-to-useless for a long time. Take your time and aim for the nail.

Nice. That’s going to need some medical attention. The surprising amount of blood is a dead giveaway. Hey, bright side: at least you had the nail pointing the right way so you won’t have to entertain the ER with your Jesus impression.

Man. Another ER trip. This takes me back. I remember one of my first supervisor positions in construction. A simple translation error led to a misunderstanding with the Mexican migrant workers, who responded alarmingly quickly by beating me severely and making several cement-related threats. I think it was pay-related. Or a lack of payment. Something along those lines that was taken badly after I insinuated that they take the issue up with the Border Patrol. That and they kept mispronouncing my first name as “Puto.”

How’s your hand? It looks bad. I’m not going to lie to you. That sucks. I don’t think that you’re going to be making a sudden jump from manual labor to white collar pro anytime soon.

Bingo. There's your birdhouse, benchwarmer.

Bingo. There's your birdhouse, benchwarmer.

You seriously want to go on with this? I mean, I’ll drive you to the goddamn mall myself. It’s like 10 minutes away. We’ll pick up a birdhouse and some bird seed. Maybe some lunch. You should eat. You look a little pale.

No. I can drive. You’re maimed. Hold your hand out the window when we hit the parking lot. Just wave it around and I think we can score some handicapped parking.

No. I can drive. Just because my license is suspended doesn’t mean that I forgot how to drive.

Why do want to keep going? What are you trying to prove? That you can keep me sober for 6 hours in a row? Who the hell do you think you are? My sponsor?

Besides, your neighbors will start bitching about “line of sight” violations and there will be birdshit everywhere. Blue jays fucking with squirrels at all hours. The Homeowner’s Association will have your ass. They bitch about everything. “18 feet is too high for a privacy fence.” “You can’t arrange your Christmas lights into the shape of a penis.”

Chapter 2: Sweet Jesus and Mary Chain! A Picture Frame??!! Why in Holy Fuck Would You Not Go Buy One??!! The Dollar Stores Even Carry Them, for the Love of Godsmack!

-CLT

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The Fancy Plans Emergency Room Survey

November 12, 2009
emergency-room

"Please plan your emergency accordingly."

Across the U.S., the Emergency Room has become the go-to service for anything from “lightheadedness” to compound fractures. As many, many people continue to use this as an Urgent Care center whose bills you can ignore, the list of ailments and injuries associated with E.R. visits has grown exponentially, from the expected (sucking chest wound) to the ridiculous (really painful hangnail).

This list is culled from the logs of emergency rooms across the nation, in an attempt to educate the public as to why their medical insurance no longer covers a trip to the E.R.

  • Kneecapping
  • Rectal insertion (animate)
  • Rectal insertion (inanimate)
  • Aqua Net poisoning
  • Explosive hypochondria
  • Sticker shock
  • Tricky dick
  • Grandmother’s taser wounds
  • Tasered by grandmother
  • “Accidental ingestion of pepper spray. In the eyes.”
  • “Trick knee acting up.”
  • Hooker’s gash
  • “Old rap battle wound acting up.”
  • Boredom
  • Complications from informal eating contest
  • Stubbed toe
  • Dislocation of self
  • “Overdosed on… um… life!”
  • Scurvy
  • Complications from botched bank robbery
  • Masturbator’s wrist
  • Axe Body Spray-related mauling
  • Soccer game (attendee)
  • Intestinal knocking
  • “Grill” repair
  • somnambulism
  • Vapor lock
  • Jodie Foster-related shooting
  • Scheduled internal organ balance and rotation
  • Broken heart (“Awwww… Clear!!!”)
  • Carradined
  • “Fell down a sack of doorknobs.”
  • Forgot safety word
  • “Fucked with bull. Got horns.”
  • “Recessive gene acting up.”
  • Insurance fraud
  • Teenager’s lament
  • Lonely
  • ‘Rhoid rage
  • Blog material
  • “Felt the need to be ignored/misdiagnosed.”
  • Blown mind
  • Irritable asshole syndrome
  • “Wasn’t actually ready for some football.”
  • Complete cyborg rebuild.
  • “Drew short straw.”
  • First-period period.
  • “Always thought rock beat scissors until I was stabbed with scissors.”
  • “Rock does beat scissors, especially when you get beaten with a rock. You should see the other guy! Oh. You are seeing the other guy.”
  • Combination of stab wounds, abrasions and paper cuts

-CLT