Posts Tagged ‘Drugs’

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DEA Declares Drug War “Lost”; Will Meet with Drug Lords to Discuss “Terms of Concession”

June 14, 2009

The following is a repost from when I was just a young lion tamer. It originally appeared in this blog on January 16th, 2009. My excuse: it’s Sunday; I’m feeling unmotivated; it’s a sign of the downhill slide my writing has taken; se habla espanol… Pick one. Enjoy.

That'll stop the smurfing pusher from smurfing my body with his smurfing drugs!

That'll stop the smurfing pusher from smurfing my body with his smurfing drugs!

Citing escalating costs and a seizure rate of less than 1%, DEA head Michael Mukasey declared the War on Drugs officially lost. “We hope to meet with drug lords in Mexico, Colombia and Turkey over the next few weeks to determine where we go from here. We hope to be able to control and tax incoming shipments with the cooperation of our former adversaries.” DEA chiefs expressed little surprise in the decision, with one anonymous source stating that “the war was lost the moment Nixon deputized Elvis.”

Some scattered details on the new, legal drug rollout have begun to surface. The DEA is looking to work with the FDA to maintain low purity levels and determine acceptable percentage amounts for “additives” such as baby laxatives, rat poison and antifreeze. The DEA is also looking to control prices through a combination of stockpiling and “no-growth” subsidies. According to Mukasey, the subsidies will be an essential element which will allow small drug farms to compete on the “open” market.

The government is considering licensing currently illegal drugs to distributors across the retail industry. Early front-runners would be major pharmaceutical companies, due to their previous experience in pushing questionable substances onto the American public. Other market front-runners have also expressed an interest.

Coca-Cola has issued a statement expressing interest in returning cocaine to their soft drink line, hoping to capitalize on demand for a return to the “Classic Coke” formula. Pepsi has countered with an expansion of their energy drinks, beginning with their Mountain Dew spinoff “Amp.” A spokesman for Pepsi said, “The rebranding of our energy drink line will begin with ‘Amph,’ the first energy drink on the market to contain actual amphetamines. This will allow us to discontinue use of such dubious energy components such as guarana, taurine and ginseng. We were starting to look like the medical counter at Whole Earth foods, for god’s sake.”

Wall Street is also interested in this turn of events. Traders are looking forward to the brand new “drug futures” market. “It’s been a while since we’ve had anything new to exploit,” said one stockbroker. “Hopefully, unfettered exploitation and speculation will prop up our sagging economy.”

The lifted ban on the sale and use of drugs will also have effects elsewhere:

  • The DEA plans to purchase “a large percentage” of the nation’s rehab clinics. The Betty Ford clinics have already been purchased and will be resuming operations under their new title, “Gerald Ford Rehabilitation Centers: Stumbling Towards Recovery.”
  • Most major cities will have 24-hour drug services available through Rite-Aid, Walgreens and CVS. According to Mukasey, these outlets should allow the public to “get their supplies in a timely fashion, without the hassle of multiple phone calls or a dangerous car drive to the inner city.”
  • The DEA estimates that nearly 9,500 trailer park bathtubs will return to their normal duty. “This should allow more bathtubs to last longer, as their general usage, pre-meth, was less than 30 minutes a month,” said Mukasey.
  • Alcoa and General Electric stock prices rose based on an expected surge in aluminum foil and lightbulb sales.
  • Mukasey expects anti-drug policies in the workplace to remain unchanged. “Although these substances are no longer illegal, they will still be controlled substances and have many unsavory side effects which are still detrimental to health and productivity.” He added, “Unless your business finds unfocused energy, paranoia and the ability to withstand multiple bullet impacts a plus in middle management candidates.”
  • Organized religions across the globe have shown a rare moment of unity to protest the legality of drugs. According to a press release, “religion has, and always will be, the opiate of the masses. To allow opium or any opium derivative to usurp that title is would be a blow to our respectability.”
  • The Department of Justice is reportedly considering legalizing prostitution. An anonymous insider stated: “If you’re doing a rail of newly legal blow off a hooker’s ass, it hardly seems logical that you, or your improvised coke delivery system, be imprisoned for breaking another outdated law.”

Surprisingly, despite an across-the-board legalization, hemp will remain illegal. Mukasey commented on the seeming paradox: “Look, the only reason anybody has wanted this stuff legalized is so they could ‘accidentally’ break off a few pot plants for private use. Now that marijuana is legal, that shouldn’t be the case. I mean, come on, we’ve more than met you stupid hippies halfway.”

-CLT

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Hey, Big Spender!

April 21, 2009

money-bag

As the government at all levels continues to look for those elusive revenue streams, the seem to ignore some very exploitable cash cows. Right now their focus seems to be on gas (higher taxes, per mile taxes) and, of course, the old punching bag, cigarettes.Every time I light up, I try to look past the additional $.70/pack I’m paying and instead focus on the inner city health care I’m apparently providing. It is important that the underprivileged youngsters stay healthy as nothing fucks up a successful crack operation faster than an asthmatic 10-year old who can’t do any heavy lifting or outrun the cops.

But as noted economist/delivery boy Philip J. Fry once said, “You can only take my money for so long, before you take it all!”

Some suggestions for additional taxes (“Now with 50% less representation!”):

pimp-daddy-purle 

Prostitution
I know that this will be a tough sell, what with our representatives being more used to whoring themselves out, but it might be a refreshing change to don the Purple Suede Hat of Pimping (+3) for awhile.

Think of the benefits. No more turf wars over the best corners. Healthier hoes. Excise taxes collected on “the deed.” Awesome higher tax bracket incomes. All above the table (income-wise, anyway) and all on the books. An additional chapter or two in public school health books. Fewer communicable diseases. Fewer beatings from pimps/johns. Law enforcement freed from punishing victimless crimes. Win-win all around.

And if your stable of rockstars would prefer to work for drugs, please see the next entry.

dope-wars

Drugs
Now here’s something the government is used to doing. Pushing. They shove public schools, subsidies, tax increases, hybrid vehicles, ethanol, warrantless wiretaps and thug-like airport security down our throats. Why not start pushing something the people want?

The benefits? No more throwing $50 billion+ down the k-hole. Tax on sales. Tax on purchases. Tax on supplies. Tax on dealer incomes (punish the rich). Fewer inmates means less of a tax drain on the public. (My apologies to those towns in the middle of nowhere who have used the burgeoning inmate population to outfit the local high school with a jumbotron and 30,000-seat stadium. Find another gravy train, leeches.) Cleaner, safer drugs. Cleaner, safer streets. Three or four new chapters in the health book. Child labor laws may need to be relaxed, though.

Disposable Bottles

Bottled Water
Perhaps the most redundant product ever created. The stuff is already overpriced and available thru your motherfucking tap. If people want to pay $1.29-1.69 per 20 oz. of dressed-up New Jersey tap water, then I doubt they’ll much care if they suddenly have to pay $1.69-2.09 a bottle. Especially if you tie the tax hike to some middle class guilt triggers, like Alaskan wilderness reserves, inner city schools or some such bullshit.

And let’s not forget the under-exploited rave crowd. While they’re enjoying your heavily-taxed Ecstasy, feel free to turn off the water fountains and bathroom taps and start raking in $6/bottle. All tax. All night long.

 the-simpsons-ed-begley

Hybrids
Since people are already purchasing these more for status than for any sound fiscal potential, add a couple of grand in taxes to the sticker price. State lotteries have already proven you can tax the ignorant. The downside to this is that lotteries, etc. tend to tax the lower classes, who have a finite supply of cash to throw away and tend to absorb at least as much tax as they provide.

Once again, it is time to soak the rich. And the reasonably well-off. And anyone else falling along the “Upper Middle Class Twit” tax bracket. Any purchase motivated by Ed Begley-esque self-satisfaction or white guilt can’t possibly be taxed enough.

425booze

Booze
Granted, this is taxed already. But is it taxed enough? No one’s allowed to light up within 200 feet of anywhere but you can still booze your way into a vehicular homicide charge without everyone coughing conspicuously or comparing you to Hitler. Secondhand smoke may kill, but it takes those years of the end of “innocent” people’s lives, rather than demanding it up front like a drunk driver coming through the living room window.

Besides, this whole sin tax on cigarettes reeks of hypocrisy.

Is it the health thing? It’s not ok to destroy your lungs, but it is ok to destroy your liver, kidneys and brain. Too much heart disease with the Marlboro men (and women)? What about all those gorging themselves into a lifelong case of diabetes before succumbing to massive heart failure?

Either tax the fuck out of everything harmful or don’t bother. You’re fooling no one. Besides, you may finally get those bitchy bar owners off your back by chasing out what’s left of their crowd with scarily high drink prices. Serves ’em right for trying to get ahead in America, the land of opportunity the level playing field.

-CLT