Posts Tagged ‘Divorce’


Platitudes for a New Millenium

February 23, 2010

Nothing says "mysterious garage fire" like watching this smug bastard pose with your ex-wife.

As you make your way through the various potholes and “Bridge Out” warnings on this road we call “life,” you will often find yourself on the receiving end of unsolicited advice.

Unfortunately, most self-appointed advisors (including us) tend to use shopworn clichés (like “shopworn cliché”) and meaningless catchphrases instead of delivering actual advice (especially us).

Today we take aim at an old favorite: “Living well is the best revenge.”

Is it? Let’s take a closer look.

Say you’ve just wrapped up another Nip/Tuck marathon when your wife says something like, “Speaking of which, I’m leaving your for that plastic surgeon I met at the gym.” And away she heads to a new life full of late-model sports cars and free collagen injections.

And what do you have? Ten years of bills, 20 more years on the mortgage and two sons, one of whom is looking to join the “Orange” team down at the local correctional facility and one of whom is looking to join the Audubon Society.

Unfortunately, the child with whom you actually feel a connection has just sold your laptop for drug money and the other will be sticking you with several hundred thousand dollars in unpaid student loans as he pursues a go-nowhere career in ornithology.

At this point, someone will pipe up with, “Living well is the best revenge,” if only because it’s easier to say than, “There’s no way you’re competing with that.”

But is “living well” really the best revenge? Is it even revenge?

In a word, “Ah, hell nah!” Revenge is still the best revenge. Sugar in the gas tank. Tuna cans in the air vents. The mysterious fire in the garage. That’s revenge. The problem is: you’ll be the prime suspect.

Try this instead.

Get ahold of the good doctor’s name, address, phone and email address. Most of this should be easy to obtain, especially if divorce proceedings are underway.

As for that email address? A week or so of late night drunken calls to his house should get you a sternly-worded email reminding you that your estranged wife has no interest in “servicing” you no matter how “horny” or “depressed” you feel.

Now take that email address and sign him up for every deviant porn site you can find. Sign him up for every shady personal ad site. Every online petition. Every “Work at Home!” scam. Anything that clogs an inbox and takes an act of God to get rid of.

Mark every questionnaire you come across with “Yes! You can contact me at home/work!” Try to make sure that the “Best Time to Call” manages to cover most of a 24-hour period. Add him to any and every mailing list you can find, especially those of the erectile-dysfunction/out-there porn variety.

Unfortunately you won’t be able to witness the ensuing debacle firsthand, but you can let your imagination run wild. He’ll be dealing with a clogged inbox, various strains of malware and popups and nonstop calls from solicitors. He’ll be busy trying to explain away such periodicals as Men Who Love Men Who Love Horses and NAMBLA’s Amateur Boy Scouting Manual.

For more fun, do the same for your soon-to-be ex-wife. It should take their sex life to the next level as they scramble to entertain each other’s perceived fetishes, turning their bedroom into something halfway between a bondage club and a petting zoo.

And then, just as the lube is applied and the animals given a “safety word,” the phone will ring, bringing with it such questions as:

  • Are you available to host the third leg of a charity marathon? You’ll need to supply Gatorade and lined bags for exhaustion vomit.
  • Can you please to wire money to sick relative in Eastern Bloc?
  • Is this the GM who was listed as “submissive” and into “watersports?”
  • Would you take $5000 for the fire-damaged Maserati?
  • You, asking if your wife is available to “service” you.

“Living well” is the old way. The new millenium demands a change. Say it together now:

Living vindictively is the best revenge.”



Today’s Civil Court Docket

August 19, 2009
Practical jokes like this make any trip to court a true joy!

Practical jokes like this make any trip to court a true joy!

Free Waterfall, Jr. v. Farnsworth
Property line dispute. Waterfall, Jr. claims that “no one can, like, own land, man.” Farnsworth has responded that one can own property, provided they are not a “penniless hippie.” Farnsworth also seeks clarification as to whether existing laws permit use of “doomsday devices” to deter trespassers.

Mitchell v. Fire Department
While Mitchell admits carelessness in starting fire via an attempt to cook Jiffy Pop while under the influence of Wild Turkey, he questions whether the fire department was justified in using “so much goddamned water.”

Mitchell seeks compensation for water damage to property including:
– Four (4) black velvet paintings;
– “that sandwich I was going to eat later;”
– hard-bound collection of Tiger Beat magazines; and
– several “outdated electronic devices.”

The fire department has countered with “next time (and there will be a next time, you drunken moron), we’ll just let the fucker burn to the ground,” adding “burn, motherfucker, burn.”

Gleason v. Rasmussen
Gleason seeks clarification as to why Rasmussen is unwilling to keep his “multitudinous offspring” off his well-cared-for lawn. Rasmussen’s offspring are accused of “wearing a path between the house and the garage,” “coming and going at all hours of the night,” and “playing their music, if you can call it that, at intrusive levels.”

Rasmussen has countered that his children (“and there’s only five of them, possibly six”) are law-abiding citizens, who “aren’t trying to cause any problems” and are “generally pretty good students, I mean not honor roll or anything and only the youngest boy has had to repeat a grade.” Gleason has countered “those kids are trouble, I just know it,” going on to point out that the “slow one” has been eating the flowers out behind his garage.

Rasmussen has cited Adams v. Jenkins to wit: they are “just kids being kids. Cut ’em a break,” adding “mind your own business and close your drapes once in a while.”

Garelli v. Landover Hills Community Pool
Garelli has filed a motion for a dismissal of his lifetime ban from the community pool, stating that his ban is “excessive, punitive and a violation of his right to enjoy publicly-funded recreation.”

Pool representatives have stated that, despite several warnings, Garelli has continued to sport an “unattractive combination of gold medallions, chest hair and barely-there Speedos.” Garelli has also “made a mockery of this family-friendly atmosphere with his crude sexual comments, endless requests for ‘more disco,’ and visible erections.” He also refuses to “stop running around the pool or diving into the shallow end.”

Garelli has stated that, as a recent citizen of America, he has the right to “make love with all the girls” and display his body “in the proud tradition of his countrymen.” He also wishes to know why his requests for “hot disco music” have been ignored, as he is “always ready to get down.”

Pool reps have responded “they’re lifeguards, not DJs, and stop asking our mothers whether they ‘have a little Italian’ in them and if not, ‘would they like to, yeah?’ Not to mention the followup statement of ‘only it’s not so little, it’s actually large and hard, like some sort of butcher product from my homeland.’ In fact, stay away from our mothers altogether.”

Martinez v. Masterson
Masterson cites Martinez and his Humvee dealership as being “a major contributor to climate change” and “a force of evil working in collusion with the Big 3 auto makers, Big Oil and other ‘Big’ corporations.”

Martinez has counter-argued that his business is self-owned, carbon neutral (excluding test drives) and all-American. He would also appreciate it if Masterson wouldn’t “localize the entire climate change debate to my parking lot, exclusively.”

Martinez cites Free Waterfall, Jr. v. Farnsworth: i.e., “Shut the fuck up, hippie.”

Anita Block v. Theodore Block [Divorce Hearing]
Anita Block is seeking a divorce from T. Block for “infidelity, neglect and general sexual ineptness.” She states that T. Block has frequently forgotten “birthdays, anniversaries, interventions and her first name, often referring to her as ‘woman’ or ‘the help.'”

T. Block was unable to attend the hearing, stating via a note delivered by his attorney that he was currently “banging his secretary (out of town on business).”

The court found in favor of A. Block as T. Block had failed to produce a suitable excuse due to a massive “parentheses FAIL.”

A. Block was awarded custody of the house, checkbook and dogs. The kids were remanded to the state at the Blocks’ cries of “Not it!” were judged “too close to call.”

Aaron Gill v. Rosewater Downs Racetrack
Aaron Gill is suing Rosewater Downs for “gross negligence” for failing to stop his out-of-control gambling by “any means necessary, including, but not limited to: threats, begging, confiscation of car keys/wallet/property deeds and lifetime ban.”

Racetrack officials have stated that “we did hand you a lifetime ban three months ago, but you took us to court and had the ban thrown out as ‘unconstitutional.”

Morton still argues that some rules should have been put into play before he wagered away his car, his firstborn child and his soul, in that order.

Mindy Whitman v. the International Brotherhood of Pipe Welders
Whitman states that she is not interested in the “length, girth or hardness of any union member’s pipe nor would she like to ‘feel their fire.'” She has further stated that this is harassment, both annoying and illegal.

The Brotherhood has countered with “What are ya? A lesbo?”

At this point, all discussion has broken down and Miss Sweet Tits has been asked to “shake it” for the court at a later, as yet undetermined date.



Fancy Plans Guide to Divorce

July 24, 2009
A divorce isn't necessarily a sad event, especially one as simple as cutting a picture in two.

A divorce isn't necessarily a sad event, especially one as simple as cutting a picture in two.

At some time in your life, odds are that you will get divorced. For some of you, that means you will need to get married. For others, you’ve been through this already and would do it again in a heartbeat. I myself just went through a painful one (Reality v. Lion Tamer), which has left me rudderless and discombobulated.

Why do so many people get divorced? Is it really the destruction of our family values and needless separation of church and state? Is it God laughing at us? Are that many of us getting knocked up under the bleachers?

Let’s take a look at some nice, calming statistics:

In a recent survey of nearly 1,000 formerly happily married couples, these were the main reasons given for their divorces:

51% – Because of the kids.
22% – “That thing they (their spouse) do when they sleep.”
10% – For the kids.
4% – Infidelity.
4% – Coin flip.
3% – Backfiring ultimatum.
3% – Jerry Springer Show appearance failed to reconcile differences.
3% – Ashton Kutcher.

Other (less than 1%):
Stockholm Syndrome wore off.
Found loophole in chosen religion.
She started fucking my brother, so I started fucking our sister.
Sobered up.
Signed petition from friends and family.
Dr. Phil recommended it.
After 96 hours, we both realized it was time to move on.
Marriage license revoked by county.
Due to recent economic slowdown, we were forced to eliminate the partnership.

As our nation’s divorce rate reaches the tipping point (in which there are more divorced people than ever were married), there’s no time like the present to pick up some advice for the damn near inevitable, especially if you’re male. Statistics show that 98% of all divorces end with the man paying alimony and child support. This is considered “fair” by everyone involved (except the man) due to the male’s two undeniable advantages: higher earning power and the ability to pee while standing up.

Since any divorce is an incredibly messy affair (and they all are – show me someone with a “clean” divorce and I’ll show you someone whose marriage ceremony was presided over by a fifth-rate Elvis impersonator and came with buffet coupons), there really is no arbitrary starting point for the amount of advice you’ll need.

This divorce is not as simple. Perhaps if the picture had been cut cleanly, rather than torn. You may also want the children to leave the room during the divorce process.

This divorce is not as simple. Perhaps if the picture had been cut cleanly, rather than torn. You may also want the children to leave the room during the divorce process.

I’ll pick one. The kids.

Now, as will become readily apparent, you both are not going to be able to not take the kids. Someone will have to take one for the “team” (such as it were) and raise the little fuckers. Be cautious, though. If one of you has significantly more income or net worth than the other, this will turn into a pitched battle for custody, at this point now referred to as the “free ride” or the “money train.”

Let’s take a closer look at Scenario B. If you thought raising kids was expensive before, just wait until the other party’s lawyer and sympathetic judge are through with you. You will now be on the hook for everything imaginable.

Your children will be yanked out of the suddenly drug-and-gun infested public school and sent to the nearest/most expensive private school. Their wardrobe will now require constant updating. They’ll need bikes, cars, college funds, trust funds, Montessori schooling during the summer, all coming out of your paycheck.

They’ll drill you with, “Don’t you want what’s best for the kids?” Try not to answer, “I thought we had agreed on ‘adequate.'”

And while we’re speaking of the kids, let’s take a moment to consider their feelings. Any number of therapists and analysts, now billing you by the hour, will mention ad nauseum that the children are the most hurt by a divorce. Your response isn’t really needed here, but try not to let your spite and aching pocketbook convince you to say something witty like, “That would only be true if both me and my spouse beat them nonstop during their visits.” This will only garner you some contempt, additional billing and a possible visit from Social Services.

The therapists will also mention the childrens’ internalizing and over-willingness to shoulder the blame for the split. Perhaps now would be a good time to attempt to recall your childrens’ names and gather them around for a quick status check. They may ask you the most heartbreaking question of all: “Did you and mom/dad get a divorce because of us?”

Here are some responses which may aid in the healing process:

  • “Oh. My. God. Are you aware that the world does not actually revolve around you?”
  • “Well, I don’t think so, but your mom/dad certainly seems to.”
  • “No. No. Of course not. I mean, you could have behaved better and been a little more helpful…”
  • “If you take nothing else from this conversation, remember this: never stick your pen in company ink.”
  • “Pass.”
  • “Well, let me ask you something: did you know you’re adopted?”
  • “Go ask your new mom/dad.”
  • “Didn’t you read the poll results?”

Now, are the kids really the victims here? In a word, no. Not really. In three words. No, not really. There are, in fact, several benefits for the children of divorced parents:

Sometimes it is much simpler to perform the divorce during the wedding reception.

Sometimes it is much simpler to perform the divorce during the wedding reception.

Meeting new people.
These children will be fortunate to meet new and exciting potential parents, often unannounced. No longer will they be forced to deal with the same two boring parents for the rest of their lives. Former rules will now become guidelines or better yet, nostalgic memories, as the authorities in their lives shift constantly.

They’ll get to meet dad’s apparently endless supply of easy women whose lack of self-respect is only outdone by their social ineptitude. They’ll also meet mom’s revolving door of underemployed males, usually “between” wives or jobs, looking for a prepaid house and some easy-to-ignore children.

Two places to call home.
The children will also have a variety of living situations. There will, of course, be their home base, where 90% of their stuff is, with its convenient proximity to expensive private schools and malls. They now will also enjoy their “home away from home” where they can while away your work day drinking, doing drugs and having premarital sex.

More material wealth.
With two parents, four grandparents and some exponential temporary explosions due to on-again, off-again dating, every child will be showered with gifts, money and other purchased signs of love by competing parents.

Ground zero for gossip.
Being the middlemen for uncommunicative former spouses, the children will be quizzed endlessly about the goings-on in the unseen residences. Who’s doing whom. Where mom got the money for the plastic surgery. Where dad’s recent ex has herpes. How mom’s new stud got busted for workman’s comp fraud.

They will also be able to interact with both parents outside regular visiting hours via clandestine late night phone calls:

Whose car is that sitting outside our house?
Fine. Mom’s house.
Met him at the company softball game?
Does she work with him?
Find out.
No. Not now. Jesus! Has he been over a lot?
‘Nearly nonstop’ is referring to what time frame?
‘Recently?’ What the hell does that mean?
Never mind.
No, I am not outside right now!
No. I was just driving by earlier—
Jesus Christ! Close your window and stop waving at me!

The pain=creativity bonus.
The tension and heartbreak of divorce will allow your child’s creativity to blossom, resulting in overwrought poetry, song lyrics and teacher-disturbing margin doodling.

I hope this has been enlightening for you. Take this advice and go boldly out into your shattered world. Don’t worry about the kids. They’ll be fine. Have fun looking for that second job/house/spouse!