Posts Tagged ‘Disney’

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Fancy Plans… Guide to Rock and Roll (More Requests & Old Favorites)

August 16, 2010
[Another from the Way Back Machine. Originally appeared 05/23/09.]

Another edition of the Fancy Plans… Guide to World Domination thru Misinformation (finally!). Feast your eyes on these delicious chunks of san-serif text and badly-captioned photos.

The Fancy Plans... Guide to Fighting Tin Lizzy

The Fancy Plans... Guide to Fighting Thin Lizzy

Thin Lizzy
Formed in 1967 in Dublin, Ireland and still regarded to this day as “the only band to have come out of Ireland,” Thin Lizzy featured two former members of Them, whose lead singer was a young Jim “Van” Morrison. Morrison’s penchant for impromptu poetry slams and malfunctioning trousers frequently found the band at the receiving end of police brutality.

The epitome of 70’s rock, Thin Lizzy released their biggest hit, The Boys Are Back in Townduring the pinnacle of rock’s power (allmusic.com pinpoints this as ca. 1974-1978). Thin Lizzy’s “definitive” sound and “unique” lyrics allowed them to sound more like everyone else than anyone else.  Among the songs that could quite possibly be theirs:

  • You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet
  • Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room
  • Hair of the Dog
  • American Band
  • Slow Ride
  • Roll On Down the Highway
  • Lost Inside Your Love
  • Rock & Roll Hootchie-Koo
  • Life’s Been Good to Me
  • Teenage Kicks
According to Brownsville Station's concert rider, they were to be accompanied by a minstrel at all times.

According to Brownsville Station's concert rider, they were to be accompanied by a minstrel at all times.

Brownsville Station
Formed in Michigan in 1970, Brownsville Station scored a minor hit with their cover of Thin Lizzy’s Smokin’ in the Boys Room. True success came later with 1977’s Martian Boogie, an influential space-rock track that post-dated the scene by nearly 10 years. Championed tirelessly by British tastemaker, Dr. John Demento, Brownsville Station recorded four classic Demento Sessions.

Christian Death's first lineup featuring Anthony Soprano Jr.

Christian Death's first lineup featuring Anthony Soprano Jr.

Christian Death
Formed in L.A. in 1979, Christian Death combined two staples of the goth rock scene (hatin’ on Christians; acrimonious splits) into a swaggering proto-deathrock nightmare. A nightmare for band members.

Original lead singer Rozz Williams left the group and former guitarist Valor promoted himself to lead-singer-for-life. Rozz tried to retain sole ownership of the Christian Death name but, as they were hardly a real band and not anywhere close to being on a real label, he was unable to do so. Various band members came and left and by 1983, there were no fewer than 16 Christian Death configurations touring, often opening for each other all around the Midwest.

Rozz Williams detached himself fully from the convoluted mess and devoted his time to his various sideprojects, including: Premature Ejaculation, Erectile Dysfunction, Inability to Achieve Orgasm, Female Pattern Dryness and Pee-shy.

Just really not that current at all.

Just really not that current at all.

Current 93
Death folksters whose name, much like Prince’s 1999, means less with each passing year.

house_of_pain811

Everlast models the primary form of Irish communication.

House of Pain
There’s nothing about this group of white rappers that hasn’t been better said by me already.

Chuck E. Cheese engineers prepare to scare the bejeezus out of your kids.

Chuck E. Cheese engineers prepare to scare the bejeezus out of your kids.

Kraftwerk
A joint effort of Disney Imagineers and the Ford Motor Co., as a tribute to all things German and nationalistic. Kraftwerk are fully-functioning animatronic showroom dummies and their icy synths and metronomic beats have captured the fascination of children worldwide, including Georgio Moroder and Afrika Bambaata. Now on permanent display at EuroDisney, they entertain dozens of people yearly with their hits Trans-Europe Blitzkrieg, Tour de France and Whalers on the Moon.

Previously on the Fancy Pants… Guide to Rock & Roll
Vol. 1
Vol. 2 (Requests)

-CLT

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Zondervan Publishing’s Top Selling Christian Books for 2009

June 13, 2009
Not so fast neophytes. You've got to pay for these.

Not so fast neophytes. You've got to pay for these.

These fine titles represent the pinnacle of inspirational writing. We at Zondervan Press are honored to offer you wonderful books at incredibly high profit margins. Just remember, when it comes to living a Godly life, you don’t know shit. Get one for yourself and one for a friend. Zondervan: We’re Holier Than You.

Honing Your Gaydar: How to Go from “0 to Outraged” Efficiently

Beavers Mate for Life: What Nature Has to Say About Our Appalling Divorce Rate

The Agape Press Guide to Cults: Which to Avoid (any other major religion) and Which to Join (Branch Davidian, Promise Keepers)

Israel: Gateway to Hell?: Respected Director Mel Gibson Speaks Frankly About Jewish Culture

101 Places to Find God– Includes jail, AA meetings, the “Rock Bottom” Gentlemen’s Club, the closet, hallucinogen-fueled epiphanies, Road to Damascus Historical Tours, Section L Row 2122 Seat 335 Billy Graham One Night Only, Scott Stapp’s dressing room…

The Uptight Christian’s Movie Guide– Popular movies broken down by obscenities, nudity, bad behavior, taking the Lord’s name in vain, etc.

  • Ex: Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
    (20:13 – 23:54) – “Bottomless” party scene. Viewers will be exposed to breathtaking shots of half-naked women for nearly the entire three minutes. Some side-boob and full-exposure breasts. Note: Unrated version extends this scene for maximum “offensiveness.” If “offensiveness” persists for more than 4 hours, please contact a physician. Not appropriate for anyone.

The Proper Melding of Church and State: Our Current Republican Representative Speak Out on Our Founding Fathers’ Greatest Mistake

Walt Disney: the Antichrist?– Exploring the dark world of Disney, including magick propaganda, heretical talking animals, pantless anthropomorphic ducks and Disneyland’s Gay Day.

The Subservient Woman – Attention Christian men. Keep them bitches in line with choice, context-less scripture written by ancient misogynists.

What Happens in the Seminary Stays in the Seminary: The Catholic Priest’s Guide to Getting Down

Those evolutionists could learn a lot from this mural, which is currently painted on the side of my '82 Ford van.

Those evolutionists could learn a lot from this mural, which is currently painted on the side of my '82 Ford van.

Jesus: Dinosaur Tamer

How Affirmative Action Is Screwing Up the Afterlife: They’re Just Letting Anyone in Now. I Don’t Even Know What Language Those People Are Speaking. And the Smell When They Start Cooking… Are They Using Lard? Yep, That’s Lard, Alright. And Bone Marrow? I Think That’s Bone Marrow. Good Lord. We Should Think About Moving. I Feel I Need to Start Locking the Front Door Every Night. This Neighborhood Used to Be Good. I Used to Know Everybody. Ever Since That Colored Fella Became President, Heaven Has Been Going Downhill…

Apocalypse Survival Guide: What to Do If You Are “Mistakenly” Left Behind

The Trouser Press Guide to Bob Dylan Gospel Albums

The Recession: How Gay Marriage, Atheism and a General Collapse of Moral Values Destroyed Our Economy – by Dan Conry with a foreword by RF Interference.

Premarital Sex: the Antichrist?– Featuring a round-table discussion from religious leaders who haven’t touched their wives (or anyone else’s) for years. Average age: 80.

God’s Terrorists: A Tribute to America’s Abortion Clinic Bombers – features a profile on ELF: “We may not agree on the ends, but we certainly approve of the means…”

You Make the Call: An Interactive Guide to Judging Others

Rock and Roll Is Dead: Rolling Stone Says So (Again), So I Guess We Can Stop Worrying About It Turning the Youth of America Into Sex-Crazed, Drug-Using Mass Murders

Masturbation: the Devil’s Handjob – Foreword by Battle Creek Sanitarium owners, Will and John Kellogg.

500 Platitudes for Any Situation

  • Death: All things work together for good
  • Tornado: All things work together for good
  • Factory Recall: All things work together for good
  • McDonald’s out of McRibs: All things work together for good. Hand me the phone.
  • Homosexual son: All things work together for good. Except for you. And your son. God hates you both.
  • Single mothers: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Except not for you. You, He hates.
Sporting cleavage? Duets with Peter Cetera and Vince Gill? What line won't she cross?

Sporting cleavage? Duets with Peter Cetera and Vince Gill? What line won't she cross?

Amy Grant: Whore of Babylon

The Christian Kama Sutra: Several (Two) Positions for Maximum Fertility/Minimum Enjoyment

You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me: Why the Lord Doesn’t Want Your Sloppy Seconds

-CLT