Posts Tagged ‘Crystal Pepsi’

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The Bible: Fancy Plans’ Edition Vol. 2

November 4, 2009
Leviticus

Due to the atonement rush, burnt offering scalpers are rolling in shekels.

As you may recall, our first edition of the Fancy Plans’ Bible dealt with the final chapter of the final book of the Bible. It was all doomsday and J-Dog/Dawg. Oh, and there was a fine Crystal Pepsi reference about 12 words into it, so that was pretty awesome. (If you don’t remember, click here for Volume One.)

For this week’s selection in heretical re-writing, we’re flipping way back to the third book of the Bible, wherein we find God handing out rules left and right. Apparently the flood didn’t straighten everything out and the Man himself feels it’s time to lay down a few hundred guidelines.

The Ten Commandments is pretty far behind us at this point, but with only 10 of them, some gray areas and loopholes are now being closed by the legal team of Yaweh & Bernstein. Let’s join today’s pre-judgement already in progress…

Leviticus 5

1 And if a soul sin, and hear the voice of swearing, and says, “Good lord! Is that my kid?” and is a witness, whether he hath seen or known of it, we really don’t care. Circumstantial evidence is cool with us, because nothing says Friday afternoon like blood running off an altar. If he do not utter it, then he shall bear his iniquity, like an iniquitous monkey of his back, for a length of time to be determined at sentencing.

2 Or if a soul touch any unclean thing, whether it be a carcass of an unclean beast, or a carcass of unclean cattle, or the carcass of unclean creeping things, or your mom’s underwear drawer, or that corpse floating in the drainage ditch and if it be hidden from him; he also shall be unclean, and guilty, and possibly contagious.

3 Or if he touch the uncleanness of man, whatsoever uncleanness it be that a man shall be defiled withal, and it be hid from him; when he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty. And he shall show us on this doll where the uncleanness was touched and for how long and with a whole lot of detail.

4 Or if a soul swear, pronouncing with his lips to do evil, or to do good, whatsoever it be that a man shall pronounce with an oath, and it be hid from him. In fact, it’s kind of a crap shoot. Remember when we had ten commandments that were pretty cut and dried? Those days are over, bitches. Prepare to have the fuck judged out of you with a shifting set of rules not unlike that drinking game we played earlier this morning. When he knoweth of it, then he shall be guilty in one of these. Probably “Failure to alphabetize goats by sundown on every third Tuesday.”

5 And it shall be, when he shall be guilty in one of these things, that he shall confess that he hath sinned in that thing. We’ll hear the phrase “I’m guilty of ‘that thing'” a lot, because nothing here is set in stone (well, except for the Ten Commandments). This is all a work in progress. A punishable-by-death work in progress.

6 And he shall bring his trespass offering unto the LORD for his sin which he hath sinned, a female from the flock, a lamb or a kid of the goats, for a sin offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his sin, by touching the goat in the “uncleanness.” Repeatedly.

7 And if he be not able to bring a lamb, then he shall bring for his trespass, which he hath committed, two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, unto the LORD; one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering. Better make it three. These ceremonies are time-consuming and we could always throw one on the Foreman altar. Chips and soft drinks will be provided by the priest, if not otherwise detained with goat-touching duties.

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Spying his mom in the line outside, the high priest works quickly to cover up the pot smell.

8 And he shall bring them unto the priest, who shall offer that which is for the sin offering first, and wring off his head from his neck, but shall not divide it asunder. Now, we will want to go back and re-word this as news has reached us of a rash of self-inflicted near-decapitations. To clarify: the priest (x) shall wring the head, almost but not completely, from the body of the offering (y).

9 And he shall sprinkle of the blood of the sin offering upon the side of the altar; and the rest of the blood shall be wrung out at the bottom of the altar: it is a sin offering. Keep in mind that during Mardi Gras and following Christmas/New Year’s Eve office parties, the blood will be running about calf deep. Oh, and bring a calf. You may not remember the three-way in the supply closet, but Ms. Dalton and the toner cartridge sure do.

10 And he shall offer the second for a burnt offering, according to the manner: and the priest shall make an atonement for him for his sin which he hath sinned, and it shall be forgiven him. (Note: forgiveness does not come with a lifetime release of guilt or guilty feelings. Keep your receipt. And drink heavily.)

11 But if he be not able to bring two turtledoves, or two young pigeons, then he that sinned shall bring for his offering the tenth part of an ephah of fine flour for a sin offering; he shall put no oil upon it, neither shall he put any frankincense thereon: for it is a sin offering. You got that, tightwad? All you need to bring is a tenth of whatever the hell that is. A handful, I guess. And don’t be spicing it up either. The last guy tossed a ton of rosemary in it and a little goes a very long way.

12 Then shall he bring it to the priest, and the priest shall take his handful of it, even a memorial thereof, and burn it on the altar, according to the offerings made by fire unto the LORD: it is a sin offering. By the way, today’s topic is: The Sin Offering: The 1,001 Do’s and Don’ts of Sin Offerings.

13 And the priest shall make an atonement for him as touching his sin that he hath sinned in one of these, and it shall be forgiven him: and the remnant shall be the priest’s, as a meat offering. And thus began the great tradition of priests inappropriately touching “sin” and abusing “meat” offerings.

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From ad on Craigslist: "... middle item does have unfortunate 'bug," in which it peels the faces off of non-Christians who look inside of it. No refunds."

14 And the LORD spake unto Moses, saying,

15 If a soul commit a trespass, and sin through ignorance, in the holy things of the LORD; then he shall bring for his trespass unto the LORD a ram without blemish out of the flocks, with thy estimation by shekels of silver, after the shekel of the sanctuary, for a trespass offering. Don’t be bringing us those ugly-ass pimpled rams. You know we hate those and everyone of you has tried to ditch these awkward, nerdy rams with us over the past couple of years. And it bears repeating: nothing says atonement like handfuls of cash. You just cannot go wrong there. That would be about the only place that “thou” cannot go wrong.

16 And he shall make amends for the harm that he hath done in the holy thing, and shall add the fifth part thereto, and give it unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him with the ram of the trespass offering, and it shall be forgiven him. And the priest will make the same joke about whether or not the ram has a “hemi” in it, and you’ll force out a laugh that says you’ve never heard that before, good one, which you had better do, because at this point you’re on his turf.

17 And if a soul sin, and commit any of these things which are forbidden to be done by the commandments of the LORD; though he wist it not, yet is he guilty, and shall bear his iniquity. This has been left deliberately vague as a catch-all for anything we may overlook. Like “public nuisance.” Or “being black.”

18 And he shall bring a ram without blemish out of the flock, with thy estimation, for a trespass offering, unto the priest: and the priest shall make an atonement for him concerning his ignorance wherein he erred and wist it not, and it shall be forgiven him. Once in awhile, everything will work out. And if I may subtly hint again, shekels, my brothers. Shekels make the flat world go round.

19 It is a trespass offering: he hath certainly trespassed against the LORD. You see those caps? That means we’re serious.

-CLT

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 1

October 29, 2009
amplified_bible

This one goes to 11.

(A quick explanation on this post: This is actually culled from a comment thread over at Stop Annoying Me, the Internet’s finest source for booze-powered cynicism. Tannerleah takes on a variety of topics including soccer moms, John Gosselin, Randy Quaid’s stick-up techniques and pretty much anything else that reeks of stupidity/calculated bullshit.

A man among bloggers, TannerLeah has single-handedly revived such classic ideas as abusing yourself to June Cleaver fantasies, proudly sporting visible erections pretty much everywhere, comparing self-promotion to walking around with your “thingy” out and livening up even the dryest subject matter with biting wit and cleavage shots.

This particular post dealt with the newest “end of the world” hysteria, which posits that the Mayans have that shit down cold, thanks to the combination of outdated calendar systems and “noble savage” assumptions. TL asked for a Biblical perspective, which is exactly what follows this long-winded opening statement.

Some of you may have seen this already. Please try to keep the spoilers to yourself until everyone has had a chance to read it. Thank you. And thanks to TL for allowing me to reclaim my comment and walk around acting like this is “new” content.)

22:1 He showed me a river of water of life, clear as crystal Pepsi, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb,

22:2 in the middle of its street, home to Madness (but not Bedlam – that phrase is copyrighted). On this side of the river was the tree of life, bearing twelve kinds of fruits, 25 kinds of vegetables, and several fine shoulder cuts. The leaves of the tree were for the healing of the nations, being all aloe vera and shit.

22:3 There will be no curse any more. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in it, and his servants serve him, all piling into the throne like so many clowns into a VW.

22:4 They will see his face, and his name will be on their foreheads (THIS END UP).

22:5 There will be no night, and they need no lamp light; for the Lord God will illuminate them, with a very powerful form of radiation, which the idiots will call “The Light of the Lord,” and which will not be safely recyclable. They will reign forever and ever, weather permitting.

22:6 He said to me, “These words are faithful and true. The Lord God of the spirits of the prophets sent his angel to show to his bond, James, bondservants the things which must happen soon, which is a very relative measure and not at all quantifiable. Like a handswidth. Or a cubit.

22:7Behold, I come quickly, He warned the ladies, retrospectively considering that ‘Beware’ may have been a better choice of word. Blessed is he who keeps the words of the prophecy of this book, which will be tough, because the hole punch is on the fritz.

22:8 Now I, John, am the one who heard and saw these things. When I heard and saw, I fell down to worship before the feet of the angel who had shown me these things, so I really didn’t have the best vantage point for seeing, per se, but trust me on this.

22:9 He said to me, “See you don’t do it! I am a fellow bond, James, bondservant with you and with your brothers, the prophets, and with those who keep the words of this book/Trapper Keeper. Worship God. Duh.

22:10 He said to me, “Don’t seal up the words of the prophecy of this book, for the time is at hand, and as I mentioned before, the hole punch is failing at the only thing it’s supposed to do.

22:11 He who acts unjustly, let him act unjustly still. He who is filthy, let him be filthy still. He who is righteous, let him do righteousness still. He who is holy, let him be holy still. Or whatever. We’re not here to judge. We’ll leave that for the Baptists.

22:12Behold, I come quickly,” He warned again, only fainter as He was about ready to come. “My reward is with me, to repay to each man according to his work, except for Judas, that cheap-skating bastard. He’d sell his own mother if she was on fire… or something.

22:13 I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End, the Entrance and the Exit, the Up and the Down, the Parking Light and the Highbeams.

22:14 Blessed are those who do his commandments, that they may have the right to the tree of life, and may enter in by the gates into the city, because they’re gates. They’ll be clearly marked “Entrance.”

22:15 Outside are the dogs, the sorcerers, the sexually immoral, the murderers, the idolaters, and everyone who loves and practices falsehood. You know, we may just hang out here for awhile. Everything on the inside is sort of like early morning cheerfulness, only 24-7.

22:16 I, Jesus, have sent my angel to testify these things to you for the assemblies. I am the root and the offspring of David; the Bright and Morning Star. See other nicknames above. You can also call me J-Dog.

22:17 The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” He who hears, let him say, “Come!” He who is thirsty, let him come. And He will reply, I already did. Sorry. I was hoping we wouldn’t make a big deal out of this. Screw it. You want a beer? Or three?”

22:18 I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book, if anyone adds to them, may God add to him the plagues which are written in this book. I’m serious about this. Don’t do anything more than add your own impressions, beliefs, outdated behaviors and hatred towards women. Other than that, try to at least keep the gist of it. God & stuff.

22:19 If anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, may God take away his part from the tree of life, and out of the holy city, which are written in this book, which is now blowing away in the wind. Stupid &$%$# hole punch.

22:20 He who testifies these things says, “Yes, I come quickly.” Amen! Yes, come, Lord Jesus. (Thanks for bringing that up. Again. Why don’t you just put it on a t-shirt or something.)

22:21 The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with all the saints. Amen. By the way – Re: 2012. You may want to carry an umbrella or something that year.

-CLT