Posts Tagged ‘Creed’

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Our Sincerest Apologies: Retractions and Corrections

July 29, 2009
The Fancy Plans Mailroom - where the "magic" happens, as Juanita will find out, shortly before filing a sexual harassment suit.

The Fancy Plans Mailroom - where the "magic" happens, as Juanita will find out, shortly before filing a sexual harassment suit.

Over the past seven months, we at Fancy Plans have made over 300 posts, most of them riddled with errors, false statements and speculation. Whether this can be chalked up to laziness, stupidity or ignorance remains to be seen. One thing is for sure: our mailroom is starting to fill up.

In an attempt to clear the slate heading into the back half of the year, Fancy Plans would like to issue the following corrections and retractions:

Our slogan is: “You’ve got questions? We’ve got answers.” Not: “You’ve got questions? We’ve got questions. Wanna fuck?” (Radio Shack)

Arizona and Indiana are not the freak states, despite their refusal to join the rest of the nation’s proud, but outdated, tradition of Daylight Savings Time. A joint statement issued by representatives of both states reads: “Not only will we not show up at work at the wrong time twice a year, but when the revolution comes, you know who will be ahead of the curve. That’s right, baby. The “freaks!” I think. Unless the revolution starts in the spring. And in the fall… I guess we’d be arriving at the same time… Viva la revolucion!” (The Freak States)

ASCAP and its worldwide associates are not solely comprised of “thug-like shakedown artists, whose dispassionate soullessness allows them to finally empathize with lawyers (even patent lawyers).” ASCAP points out: “We also have lawyers.” Touché. (ASCAP)

Snapple points out that, while they are “made of the best stuff on earth,” most Snapple drinks do not include elements of “titanium, platinum, uncut diamonds, black tar heroin, really fucking good acid, vegemite, Krispy Kreme donuts, weapons-grade plutonium, additional brain cells, pixie dust, or the sperm of several Nobel Prize winners.” (Snapple)

Dirk Cussler, unlike Jimmy Carter, can “fart and chew bubblegum at the same time.” Video evidence was provided, but required the installation of RealPlayer. So you’ll just have to take our word for it. (Dirk Cussler Trust Fund, LLC.)

Our art department would like to apologize for being

Our art department would like to apologize for being "too literal" when bogarting retraction photos.

The estate of Jim Morrison would like to point out that his nickname was not “Van” as previously stated several times. It was “Jimmy,” like all good American boys. His mother would also like to point out that she “does not believe that Jimmy ever showed his penis in public,” and that she “was only propositioned once or twice by Jim, at the most,” blaming it on his absinthe usage. (Estate of James “Jimmy Van M” Morrison)

Nietzsche did not coin the phrase: “Say it with flowers.” (FTD)

At no time, in the New Testament or Old, does the Bible refer to God “laying his pimp hand down.” (Strong’s Concordance)

Clive Cussler’s middle name is not “Fucking.” It is “Eugene.” (C. F. Cussler’s Adventure Novel Mill)

ASCAP does not consider the statement, “Sure, other people can hear my music, but I can guarantee they’re not enjoying it,” to be a legitimate denial of wrongdoing. (ASCAP, again)

Printing someone’s unlisted address and phone number is not a victimless crime, according to lawyer Joseph Merritt, who lives at 3431 Placid Terrace, Ft. Lauderdale, FL. The best time to reach him is after 6 pm (EST) at his home number (805) 421-1991. (Stevenson Law Firm of Ft. Lauderdale)

General note: the pants have rarely matched the plan. Sorry for the confusion. (CLT)

Chad Kroeger (Nickelback) has apparently won several fights with kiddie pools (and other inanimate objects) despite earlier reports. Also mentioned in this retraction request: Gwenyth Paltrow v. mirror, Keanu Reeves v. folding chair and Scott Stapp (Creed) v. “Pull” door. (We Can Smart Anti-Defamation League)

President Barack Obama has not “gone one toke over the line.” (Office of the President)

Smoking, drinking and drugs are not cool, despite all evidence to the contrary. So go to bed, kids and give mom/moms/dad/dads back his/her/their computer and paraphernalia. (D.A.R.E.)

Neither is all that excessive swearing. (Mom)

WordPress.com would like to point out that we do not actually have a “mailroom” and should drop this conceit as soon as possible. (WordPress.com)

The art department also thought this would be "clever." They have since been told that they are not paid to think, or at all from this point on.

The art department also thought this would be "clever." They have since been told that they are not paid to think, or at all from this point on.

Eric Clapton’s nickname is not “Pimp Hand.” Please refrain from using this or any other derogatory terms when referring to His Holiness, God II. Also, you already used the pimp joke earlier. (Clapton Publicity, LLC. aka “Voice of God”)

My blog may not contain the exact address of my Bacharach Men’s Fashion store, but I have left several clues like “Vernon Hills” and “Cubs game.” In fact, I’d like to think my site combines the visceral thrill of reading ad copy with the blustering excitement of a round of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego? (Phil Alper:4U2C)

Your continued refusal to purchase medicine at outposts and general stores will greatly increase the chance of a party member dying of dysentery. (Oregon Trail Historical Society and Event Generator)

Help! I’m stuck in your spam filter! (Ramblin’ Rooster)

-CLT

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Fancy Plans… Guide to Rock and Roll Vol. 7 (Diminishing Returns)

July 6, 2009

 The rock and roll machine hums on, not dead as critics say, just resting. Those who have honestly assessed the situation have noted that the humming is actually coming from the life-support machine, not from rock and roll itself. Unfortunately for the supposed heirs to the rock throne, rock and roll’s will has not been updated since 1964.

Exhibit A in a civil suit filed by the Ramones, citing "immeasurable damage to our reputation"

Exhibit A in a civil suit filed by the Ramones, citing "immeasurable damage to our reputation"

Goo Goo Dolls
Cute as a bug’s ear and twice as disposable, the Goo Goo Dolls have spent the last decade or so studying at the Jon Bon Jovi School for the Bland. Like their namesake, they should probably be discarded, like any other toy, by the age of consent, at the latest.

For U.S. citizens, this would be the age that allows you to begin throwing your vote away and catching bullets in the armed forces. Other countries, not so much. In Islamic countries, your age of consent may be as low as nine, so be prepared to toss your shitty music and dated morals out the window along with most of your human rights.

It probably helps ease the virgin-crunch in Islam heaven, what with all the arbitrary shuffling of the preferred age of consent. Jihad!

This was third on Google's Image search, so I'm going to assume it's correct...

This was third on Google's Image search, so I'm going to assume it's correct...

The Band
An ambiguously-named collective whose claims to fame include being Freewheelin Bob Dylan’s touring group and the bane of marquee signing everywhere. Anchored by Robbie Robertson and Levon Helm, The Band became the ne plus ultra of everything music and band-related.

This talented group became everything anyone could hope for in a The Band, covering musical ground as disparate as country, roots rock, garage, disco, big the band, ragtime, post-rock, folk, jam the band and some of that old time rock and roll, as espoused by Bob “Pete” Seger and his Coors Light Silver Bullet The Band.

Most likely best known for their hit single, We’re An American The Band, for all I know. For more information on The Band, consult your World Book Encyclopedia (see also: Band).

In the twilight of their careers, the Birthday Party begin an ill-advised foray into disco

In the twilight of their careers, the Birthday Party begin an ill-advised foray into disco

The Birthday Party
Of all the ironically-named post-punk groups, the Birthday Party is perhaps the most ironic and definitely the postest. (Until the next edition of the Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll, at which time we will probably delight in some rich, promiscuous irony, as per the FDA’s recommended daily requirement.)

If your average birthday party wasn’t so much about pointy hats and crappy streamers, but rather laden with psycho-sexual undertones and bleak nihilism, then this was your Birthday Party. If Nick Cave stood up at your party and offered a toast which highlighted your father’s murderous past, your mother’s years as a junkie and your own pointless and doomed upbringing, then this was not just a birthday party but The Birthday Party. If your presents included a revolver, a bible and a whiskey bottle, then congratulations! Happy the Birthday to you!

Time to start living each day like it’s your last. Because it probably is.

During the middle eighth, the harp plays itself

During the middle eighth, the harp plays itself

Clannad
To this day, the best-selling Irish artists of all-time (take that, Thin Lizzy!), Clannad is a loose confederation of wood elves, faeries, nymphs and anti-social binge drinkers. They perform traditional Irish and Celtic music meaning only pub-related instruments are used, and the singing, which resembles drunken rambling, is actually Gaelic, the native tongue of various wood sprites.

Should you have a chance to catch this group of Irish poets performing sober, you’re probably lying.

Come on, God. Take him now.

Come on, God. Take him now.

Creed
Following the footsteps of Stryper in an attempt to sell God-rock to the kids, Creed is led by Scott Stapp’s energetic bellowing and embodiment of Christian ideals: drunken misbehavior, fleecing Christian youth, crossover success and incredibly shitty rock.

Creed’s undemanding grunge has earned them millions of undemanding fans and the attention of Jesus Christ’s lawyers due to Stapp’s blatant appropriation of the patented “Jesus Christ Pose.” J.C.’s lawyers argue that this pose was trademarked over 2000 years ago through an arduous registration process which included being tortured and killed by Romans.

Scott Stapp has fired back with a tersely worded, “Whatever. I do what I want.”
The lawyers have replied with “Remember. He brought you into this world and He can surely take thee right back out.”
To which millions of people responded, “Yes! Please do! Send a killer robot back in time to kill his mother if you have to!”

The Jesus Lizard can be safely raised in captivity and lives on a diet of Spree Candy Tarts and ignorance

The Jesus Lizard can be safely raised in captivity and lives on a diet of Spree Candy Tarts and ignorance

The Jesus Lizard
Named after the absolutely true story of Jesus and His bible friends’ mounting and taming of free-range dinosaurs during the Earth’s formative years (before they were all mysteriously “disappeared” and carbon-loaded solely to confuse scientists), the Jesus Lizard wax theologic on potent noise-rock tracks such as, My Own Urine, Tight and Shiny, Rodeo in Juliet, Dancing Naked Ladies, Killer McHann, Post Coital Glow, Skull of a German, Pervertedly Slow and Wheelchair Epidemic.

Anka subdues yet another Pat Boone fan with his icy stare; imposing pompadour

Anka subdues yet another Pat Boone fan with his icy stare; imposing pompadour

Paul Anka
Too easily written off as just another 50’s teenybopper, Paul Anka was more than just a miniature Italian heartthrob. He gave Tom Jones a hit with She’s a Lady and wrote My Way for the then-unknown Sex Pistols.

A legion of snot-nosed bloggers have taken cheap shots at Anka, myself included. This particular besmirching occurred in a comment where I insinuated that Anka was too “edgy” for Pat Boone fans. In reality, many things are too “edgy” for Pat Boone fans, including:

  • coloring outside the lines
  • “California stops”
  • several of the “darker” After School Specials
  • new release parties that begin at midnight
  • widescreen format DVDs
  • Axe bodyspray ads
  • the Disney Channel after 7 pm
The Japanese know shit music when they see it

The Japanese know shit music when they see it

Eric Clapton
6And the Lord said You shall have no other gods before me
7And a voice came from the back of the gathering, questioning these words
8Moses. God. Eric here. Hi. Longtime fan, first-time caller. Lots of people have been referring to me as God and I really haven’t been stopping them. Is this a problem?
9God said Let me take this one, Moses.
10If you’ll take a look further down this list… where is it… here:
11You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
12I think that should answer your question, Eric. That actually covers more than one area, but I’m not going to get into that now. Back to you, Moses.
13Moses said, Eric, they’re calling you God? How is that possible? What are they calling Jimi? Seriously. He’s twice the guitarist and four times as well-hung. God? GTFO!
14Eric, abashed, said I have been known to play the guitar in a pleasing fashion and to be quite skilled for an Englishman. Why, I have even been known to—
15I’m going to cut you off there, Eric. Moses is right. Your best known song is about adultery, for the love of Me. And then you went ahead and watered it down with that terrible acoustic version, which is only suitable for coffehouse background music and shareholder’s meetings.
16Not to pile on, Eric, but while God has got you nailed on Layla, let’s not forget Tears in Heaven, another stillborn waste of time—
17Look, I’m classically trained and I have got quite the body of work. I have performed for the Queen and Richard Branson. Have either of you composed a hit song in the last 30 years? I think not. You just think you can sit up there on your mountain and take cheap shots—
18Cheap shots? Are you hearing this, Moses? From a guy who thinks it’s ok to be called God. I though Scott Stapp was bad, but this guy…
19I hear you, God. Well, time to pay some bills. We’ll be back with more commandments after this quick break for the good people at the Burning Bush Gentleman’s Club…

-CLT