Posts Tagged ‘Creation’


Touring the Creation Museum

August 29, 2009
You saved the dinosaurs? What for?

You saved the dinosaurs? What for? I specifically stated they needed to die "a mysterious death."

Hey, everybody! Welcome to the Creation Museum, the little house that faith built! Don’t forget to leave a donation in the box, as faith alone has yet to pay a single light bill or paper mache up another vegetarian T-Rex! Hahaha! Plus a portion of the proceeds go to help the victims of the latest moral panic. Remember God and our CCTV system are watching.

Before we get started, we need to ask just a couple of required questions. One, is anyone here Bill Maher? No. OK, thanks. We have to ask. New policy.

Also: any persons of color here? Oh… well… I’m so sorry about the curse. I’ll have more information on that later.

Alright! Let’s get started!

Now as we make our way through the tour, you may have some questions. I would ask that you hold these questions until the end of the tour, or better yet, take them home with you and ask God to help you with your faith problem. It obviously isn’t strong enough and I hate to be a bummer, but you’re probably going to hell. You may want to hurry back to the donation box and add a few more dollars. It certainly couldn’t hurt.

Speaking of lack of faith, my estranged wife has exhibited quite a lot of that lately, what with her insistence on health insurance for the kids and a purchase of World Book Encyclopedias.

Quick question, and yes, I will be asking all the questions on the tour. Faith, people!

Anyway, how many of you have gone through a painful divorce? Wow. That’s a lot of you. But still less than I expected. Well, God did say our faith would be tested, am I right? I just wish He’d have given me more time to study! Hahahahahahahaaaa! Kidding! I’m kidding! God is perfect in every way.

Now the main purpose of this museum is to put to rest the outrageous claims of evolutionists and other wackos. You may hear a lot of talk about the theory of evolution being “scientifically sound” and their “years of research.” Don’t be fooled. These scientists are always using “facts” and “research” as a twisted means to keep themselves supplied with opium and hookers. Did you know the STD rate among evolutionists is nearly as high as it is in Africa?

But these claims they throw around are ridiculous! Have you ever seen a frog behaving like a fish? Or a squirrel that can fly? Preposterous!

You know who else liked “facts” and “proof.” Yeah, that’s right. Satan. And to a lesser extent, the National Board of Education.

Perhaps you remember the famous Scopes Monkey Trial. Oh, you do! Oh, thank god. I was drawing a blank. Do you want to take over for a couple of minutes? Just a couple of minutes. I’ve got to call my soon-to-be ex-wife and harass her at work. Thanks a million. I shouldn’t be gone more than five minutes or so if my previous calls are any indication.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

A "tame" dinosaur housepet roams the diorama, looking for a toddler to "play" with.

Alright, I’m back. Thanks for covering for me. You’re a lifesaver. Do you happen to know any good divorce lawyers? I’m kinda stuck right now as four lawyers have dropped me so far for “continually damaging my own case.”

Where was I? Oh! Evolution. Those crazy monkey-lovers. Evidence of creation exists all around us, especially here in the Creation Museum. Take a look at the fossil record. How could all of these be here in the same layer? We have a pterodactyl fossil, a human femur bone and a 1959 Philco Solid State Television. I’d like to see them solve that one, with their test tubes and microscopes. And master’s degrees…

Here is what evolution does. As you can see from this disturbing diorama, evolution theory leads directly to the downfall of society. Why, just reading your average school textbook is enough to destroy the very fabric of your family, leading to porn addiction and Planned Parenthood appointments. Letting a pro-evolution textbook into your Christian home is just like letting your daughter get knocked up by a travelling paleontologist.

I would ask that you refrain from touching the fossils as they are fragile and take many, many man-hours to create. Many GOD-hours! God creates! Sorry! I’m going to just sort of categorically deny everything I just said. Ah. I am now being paged to the front desk. Please wait here and I should be right back.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

Now a USPS postage stamp, allowing you to easily sort the mail bearing it directly into the garbage.

OK, folks. Thanks for waiting. Some news from… well, it doesn’t matter. I guess God has a plan for all of us. Up until about 2 minutes ago, God’s plan was that I should be here, working an underpaid position at a ridiculed institution. I guess… And that my wife should leave me because she doesn’t “respect me” or my “laughable ideals.” Which is fine. It’s His plan. And the painkiller addiction… He must have wanted that… But He’s changing it again, sort of suddenly. This will be my last tour with the museum, apparently.

We’ll kind of rush through the rest of this, seeing as I’m quickly losing the will to entertain or inform. Or live.

A few highlights left. Let’s see.

Oh! Jesus riding a dinosaur. This artist’s conception is proof that man and dinosaurs co-existed. How many of you kids would like to ride a dinosaur? Hahahaha! Most dinosaurs were actually vicious man-eaters and the more docile ones didn’t know their own strength. We have a Shetland pony and a coin-operated Triceratops out back for you young ones.

And here’s another picture of Jesus. This time he’s holding a tiny pet dinosaur. We are petitioning the US Postal Service to have it made into a stamp. If they won’t go for it, may a curse fall upon their heads and their houses. We’ll just take it to the Ron Paul mint and make our own stamps.

And this last exhibit shows some cavemen, who were not actually cave men, but men just like you and me only with more hair, co-existing peacefully with a vegetarian T-Rex. Apparently, they could be tamed and kept as housepets. A lot of Midwesterners and Texans believe that the vegetarian diet is what wiped out the T-Rex and several other dinosaurs. I guess we’ll never know for sure.

I want to thank you all for coming. If you could perhaps stop by the front desk and possibly leave any employments listings and letters of recommendation, I would greatly appreciate it. You’ve been wonderful, excepts for you doubters. I guess you’ll see my ex-wife. In hell. Have a great day!



Creation: The Real Story

March 24, 2009
God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

God sent his only begotten Son to kick ass, chew bubblegum.

Before the flamewars start, we’re not here to debate evolution vs. creation. We’re not discussing whether this happened, but rather whether it is recorded correctly in the Word of God (as written by Man). This translation issue (as a God/Man dictionary was unavailable) was further compounded by the obsolete vernacular in which it was written.

The world was not created in seven days.

Seven is a nice, magical number used by a variety of religions as a “holy” or “good” number. Some creative license was taken here to shoehorn the actual length into something inspiring that looks good on a felt board.

The universe was actually created in seven business days. Its creation actually coincided with a long holiday weekend which gave God closer to ten days to get the job done. God actually rested from Friday to Monday, strolling in around 10 am to get the job done by Wednesday. This was tightened up by early scholars to seven days so that Sunday (and occasionally, Saturday) could be taken off for religious reasons, particularly during the football season.

Earth’s original placement was farther from the sun.

During God’s test run of the solar system, Earth was much closer to Mars. The additional distance from the Sun (originally planned to rotate around Earth before catastrophic initial testing) caused what was retroactively referred to as the “Ice Age” and wiped out the dinosaurs. God checked in to find most of his original occupants dead (bummer) and was recorded as saying, “Jesus, it’s cold.” Adjustments were made.

Alien races were created before man.

Most alien races preceded man and were used to beta test Earth during the critical adjustment period. Among the comments left by testers of Earth v. 0.1.1.b:

1. Where all the white women at?
2. Jesus, it’s cold.
3. Clipping issues.
4. Nowhere to insert probes.
5. Sniper needs to be nerfed.
6. Will there be a map creator in the final version?

The Bermuda Triangle is a glitch.

A miscalculation of the circumference and surface area of the earth caused this area to be stretched and quickly stitched together (at great expense). The name was changed from “God’s Folly” to “Devil’s Triangle” to defer blame to Satan, who was hastily created, briefly adored and unceremoniously kicked out.

The creation process was one of many plans for earth’s startup.

God considered many other business models before adopting his pet strategy as the Universe’s original micromanager. Other plans included:

1. Turtles all the way down.
2. A series of inhabited flat discs.
3. Evolution.
4. One of every species with a universal penis adaptor for variety.
5. Some sort of huge explosion.
6. The “Deep South” plan comprising of years of inbreeding.
7. Half-sharkalligator, half-man race
8. All apologists, all the time.
9. Noah to helm franchise reboot after Joel Schumacher’s disastrous run.

As is usual with creation discussions, more questions have been raised than answers. Feel free to consult your local religious radio station for some pamphlets or talk to the many unattractive and angry protesters outside your local abortion clinic for more information.