Posts Tagged ‘Coxswain’

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The Presidents of Harvard University Vol. 2 – The Next Hundred Years (Very Approximately)

October 20, 2009
America's most prestigious university always reminds its students to sound difficult words out.

America's most prestigious university always reminds its students to sound difficult words out.

In case you’re playing catch-up, you can check out the beginning of this glorious (and fact-free) page in history here in The First Hundred Years.

If you’ve been playing along since the beginning, please mark spot “N-45.” This is your bonus free space.

Without further preamble, Fancy Plans presents Vol. 2 in the remarkable history of Harvard’s presidents, taking you on an aplomb-laden journey through the “Pyrite Age” of Crimson history.

9. Edward Holyoke 1737-1769*
Holyoke brought in a new wave of old school corporal punishment during his unprecedented 33-year deathgrip on the top spot. Underclassmen began to fear for their lives as hazing was not only encouraged, but made mandatory. Many requested transfers to schools with less stringent hazing techniques, like Rutgers and UC-Santa Barbara.

Holyoke’s downfall and eventual lynching was the result of his insistence on bare-bottom paddling, which put Harvard in the sights of another crippling class action lawsuit. The court found in favor of the red-bottomed underclassmen (as it often does) and sentenced Holyoke to “death by angry locals.” “Affectionately” known as “Ed Banger.”
*Official cause of death listed as “waiting to inhale.”

10. Samuel Locke 1770-1773
Four years was all it took for Samuel Locke to leave nary a mark on this hallowed institution, having enacted no major (or minor) reforms, rule changes, raids on Yale or catastrophic scandals. Often attributed hazily with coining the phrases “Don’t rock the boat” and “No, thanks. I’ll just sit quietly here in the back until the board meeting is over, if that’s ok with everybody.” Affectionately known as “Current Occupant.”

11. Samuel Langdon 1774-1780
Langdon is recognized as the first Harvard president to fully take advantage of a dangerously underage Congress, having lobbied his way into its heart and parts beyond shortly after its formation in September of 1774. Once firmly ensconced in the legislative body of the U.S., Langdon took care to have himself and his university “grandfathered” in (but not in a sexual way, of course) before most of the Constitution and Bill of Rights was enacted or amended.

He secured several large donations from various congressional bills and was often seen trumpeting his success by dangling his funding in front of various Yalies and yelling, “That’s right, pretty boys! Who’s well-endowed now?” Known affectionately as “Shaft.”

12. Joseph Willard 1781-1804*
Willard spent 14 fruitless years trying to match the successes of his predecessor, Samuel “Shaft” Langdon, the strain of which caused him to shorten his life drastically through a series of suicide attempts. This fruitless strain was further compounded by Langdon not having the decency to die in office like so many presidents before him. 

Langdon would often show up late in the evening, drunk on his own success and a combination of grain alcohol and horehound extract. These late night visits often ended with Langdon passing out in the elderberry bushes and Willard hitting a non-vital organ with his musket loader. Affectionately known as “Not Well-Endowed at All, Are We JW? Hahahahahaha!!! *vomit*”
*Died in office in an office supply mishap involving a malfunctioning moveable press prototype and perfectly functioning muzzle loader.

13. Samuel Webber 1806-1810*
Although Webber was responsible for several additions to both the student housing and professorial quarters (most notably, a much larger billiards room for the president’s office to complement the 6-lane bowling alley), he is now mainly known for not being “that guy” many people are thinking of, including:

  • the dictionary guy (Webster)
  • the grill guy (Weber)
  • that little guy (Webster)
  • that weird scout rank (Webelos)
  • that composer guy (Andrew Lloyd)
  • that previous president (Willard)

Affectionately known as “Samuel Webster.”
*Died in office due to an obituary misprint in the local paper, which Webber spent several years fighting, often in a “still living” capacity.

14. John Thornton Kirkland 1810-1828
J.T., as he was affectionately known, led the Harvard Crimson to several sports titles, including  battlechess, coxswaining, motocross, skullboning, contract bridge, narwhal hunting, Yale frosh-knifing, strip badminton and quarters. His willingness to take a “hands on” approach to coaching led to unparalleled success and several parental lawsuits. “Coach Knight” (as he was affectionately known) gave the once pasty face of Harvard Athletics the black eye it needed to “toughen up” and “take it one game at a time.”

As the new-look athletics department drew heavy coverage from the local papers, “The Ragin’ Cajun'” (affectionately a.k.a.) insisted on handling every post-game interview and is credited with the invention of the non-sensical character string which is used to denote horrendous, paint-peeling obscenities. Here’s one of its earliest usages:

Captain Kirk, as he is affectionately known, responded to this journalist’s query of “Dost thou think your coxswaining crew is yearning for the rough caress of the playoffs?” with a string of profanities, the likes of which I will try to reproduce here:

JK: Did you watch the same %^&$ race I did?? Did you?? You need to have your %^&#@ing head examined and your #@#%ing eyes as well, you piece of pen-scratching $#$%! Ask something else! Any of you %^##suckers have something even partially %^^#$ing relevant to ask? Anyone! Jesus !$@#.

Affectionately known as “Thornton ‘Van’ Wilder.”

15. Josiah Quincy 1829-1845
Quincy became known for his outlandish behavior as head of Harvard, insisting on hours-long meals every evening consisting of several courses and accompanied by his hand-picked musicians, who would often wander off somewhere deep into the E chord for 20-30 minutes at a time. Though many were impressed with the breadth of his culinary tastes and the skilfulness of the musicians, others were “turned off” by the lack of restraint and endless jamming exhibited.

Quincy would often track down those who “lacked proper taste” and lecture them endlessly on the inspiration that results when big ideas meet virtuoso musicians. This was also accompanied by his talented and meandering musicians, whose improvisations often were hailed as “breathtaking” and “grandly masturbatorial.”

Sadly, Quincy’s theatrical ideas failed to carry on once he left Harvard and he gradually became a balding lead singer/drummer in a terrible soft-rocking pop ensemble that outlived its usefulness by several years. Affectionately known as either “King Crimson” or “The Broadway Lamb.”
*If only he had died in office…

-CLT

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The Presidents of Harvard University: the First 100 Years

October 14, 2009
The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK HARVARD" facade.

The plans for Harvard's main office, altered slightly to remove the original "FUCK YALE" facade.

Here at Fancy Plans, we pride ourselves in being able to tackle even the dryest subject with aplomb. For your consideration today: the presidents of Harvard University, whose hallowed halls and large endowments have fathered many of our nation’s leaders. Without further fucking around, we present a history of this fine institution, as seen through the eyes of its leaders.

Part One – The First 100 Years

1. Henry Dunster 1640-1654
Henry was voted “Most Likely to Helm an Overbearing School” after his many hours logged as hall monitor and switch cutter. Most likely was born left-handed, but was “cured” of this after long hours of forced repetitions and amputation. Known affectionately as “The Dunster.”

2. Charles Chauncy 1654-1672*
The first of the Chauncy clan to graduate from the sixth grade, Chancy went on the helm Harvard during a turbulent time that saw many upperclassmen die during skirmishes with a nascent Yale. Also coined the term “coxswain” after a drunken interlude with the inhabitants of Harvard Pond. Affectionately known as “Chucky Duck-Fucker.”
*Died in office after accidentally breaking off the inner handle.

3. Leonard Hoar 1672-1675
Born with a speech impediment and an even more unfortunate surname, Hoar overcame these early hurdles to lead Harvard to its first victory over Yale’s polo team. After his success as a coach, Leonard was chosen president during a 19-hour game of Russian Roulette, played dangerously using single-barrel musket loaders. He survived his gaping head wound to serve the school during the turbulent “Violently Erratic Years.” Affectionately known as “Lucky Leo” and “Filthy Hoar.”

4. Urian Oakes 1675-1681*
Urian spent 17 years as the president of Harvard much to the surprise of his eventual successor. As his opponents began a vigorous filibuster, Urian slipped out through the bathroom window and let himself into the president’s office, where he barricaded himself for the next 2 years. During this time, another office was built and filled by a variety of interim presidents and attractive interns. Known affectionately as “Pay No Attention to That Pounding and Cursing. It’s Just These Old and Hallowed Halls Settling. And Cursing.”
*Died in office due to lack of adequate ventilation, which had been re-routed to the new office.

5. John Rogers 1682-1684*
Known to many as “Jolly,” Rogers ushered in a new era of explosive violence and drunkenness with his hostile takeover of the new president’s office. Arriving via horse-drawn ship, the visibly drunken and clinically insane Rogers proceeded to “board” the upper level, cutting a swath through the freshman ranks before hoisting his flag in the office and vomiting into the wastebasket. His raiding party continued to pillage and occasionally rape the underclassmen and furniture for 3 long and uneventful years. He died of scurvy-related complications and was buried at sea (or rather, the Harvard Pond). Known affectionately as “Gummy Jack.”
*Died in office for reasons listed above. May have also suffered from early-onset Restless Leg Syndrome, or “Sea Legs.”

6. Increase Mather** 1685-1701
Fiercely competitive, Increase had his name legally changed twice, from “Decrease” and “No Change,” respectively. He oversaw Harvard’s expansion from a loose confederation of rich, spoiled jerks into a highly organized pack of rich, spoiled jerks. Credited with the formation of the Skull and Bones, Mather prized secrecy and loyalty over such other virtues as honor and respect for human life. His legacy lives on today in the form of the Skull and Bones, which no one will officially admit exists. Except for that one guy, who we never saw much of after that. Just the occasional bloated corpse in Harvard Pond, which could be anybody really. Even Gummy Jack. Affectionately known as “Cotton.”
**Killed two vice presidents while in office due to their violation of Rule #2 of Skull and Bones: You DO NOT TALK about Skull and Bones.

7. John Leverett 1708-1724*
Although Leverett held the university’s highest office for nearly 17 years, nothing has much been said about his contributions. Most of his contemporaries noted that he was “quiet” and “kept to himself,” and really did nothing out of the ordinary other than haul multiple bags and rolled-up carpets and hurl them into the deep end of Harvard Pond. Further investigation into this matter has resulted in the same answer: “Have you tried the quad? The person you are looking for hasn’t been seen in a fortnight but if you’d like you can try this Oriental rug on for size.” Known affectionately as “Crazy John, the Guy Nobody Suspected.”
*Possibly “gay.”

8. Benjamin Wadsworth 1725-1737*
Benjamin Wadsworth rose from his disadvantageous and “merely rich” upbringing to become the foremost robber baron of his time. Uneducated, even by Brown standards, Wadsworth used his wealth and considerable influence to secure the premier position at Harvard. Once in place, he began his tireless work to “tear the place down from the inside.” Unfortunately, he and his underlings were unused to physical labor or efficient anarchy and left 13 years later only having managed to take a few pictures off the wall and scribble a few mustaches on the remain portraits (which usually had mustaches already). Known affectionately as “Dubya.”
*Died while in office due to an overdose of leeches.

Stay tuned for parts 2 and possibly 3 in the near future. And kids, stay in school.

-CLT