Posts Tagged ‘Circumcision’

h1

The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 3

August 28, 2010
[The final installment. Originally published Nov. 11, 2009.]

Welcome back to our third, and quite possibly, last installment in the Emmy-award winning instructional series, the Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth. If you would like to catch up with the rest of the class, please click the following links:
Part I
Part II

This edition will deal with the decisions following the delivery (or as we call it, “afterbirth”). Please bear in mind that most of these decisions will have multiple choices, meaning there is no wrong way to proceed.*

*Except for the “do not do’s” listed below. Do not do those.

Young Starshine Freelove Wilson began to regret ever being born.

Post-Delivery Plans
Now that all the screaming and bloodletting is over, it’s time to celebrate your ability to create life through the magical act of “getting some.”

As your partner heads back to her area for some much-needed drugs and reconstructive surgery, feel free to take a victory lap around your Contact list, letting all your friends and relatives in on the vital statistics:

  • Sex (“It’s a boy!“)
  • Weight (“Less than infinity.”)
  • Length (“Well, keep in mind that he’s less than 4 hours old and the room was a little cold, but I’d say a little under an inch.”)
  • Birth Time (“Shortly after my explanation about the “thing” I had with her sister. Well, half-sister, if you want to get technical.”)
  • Visiting Hours (“I’m sure she’d be happy to see you any time! You say you’re in the lobby? Come on up! She should be back from her crotch-stitching any minute now.”)

Or you can skip the procedure, in which case your child will be ambushed by the physician sometime in his mid-30's.

Circumcision
This used to be an easy decision (“Of course!”) but recently there has been somewhat of a backlash against it.

Simple rule of thumb: make your kid’s package look like yours. In addition to it being somewhat of a bizarre bonding thing, it will also help you avoid awkward conversations with your unsnipped son in the future.

Son: “Dad, why does your [insert stupid ‘penis’ replacement word here] look different than mine?
You: “Good question. You see, my parents were raised in a different era and they made a decision based on an outmoded set of morals…”
Son: “Oh. Are you talking about why they decided not to abort you?”
You: “I think you’re spending too much time with your mom.”

You say this book only contains the "best" baby names? I'll take two!

Choosing a Name
As the proud owner of a brand new child (with that awesome “new child smell”), you will be tempted to saddle your offspring with an imaginative name currently in use by no one else. The potent combination of anxiety and sleeplessness will play tricks on your fragile mind, raising the possibility of cursing your child with a lifetime of humiliation (“Chad Kroeger, Jr.”) or an early death (“River Phoenix,” “Jet Travolta”).

Stick with the classics like Justin or Michael. For the girls, try Jennifer or Jessica. These are great, nearly-Biblical names that have never been associated with skanky, marginal or vapid celebrities.

Some more examples:

  • Gallant – Yes; Goofus – No
  • Jermaine – Yes; Tito – No
  • Jessica – Yes; Ashlee – No
  • Billy Ray – No; Miley – No
  • George Michael – Yes; Andrew Ridgely – No
  • Rozz – Yes; Valor – No
  • Uma – Yes; Oprah – No
  • Sunny – No; Cher – No; Chastity – No
  • Philip – Yes; Yancy – No
  • Fresca – Yes; Tab – No
  • Jif – Yes; Nutella – No

Heavy-handed metaphors exceeding 24 tons exit here.

The Future
Once you have your new arrival home with you, it’s time to start mapping out his life, starting with learning to read in multiple languages by age 3 and culminating in his Master’s degree from Harvard 20 years down the road, at which point you’ll be able to live off his earnings as a groundbreaking inventor/#1 draft pick.

You both will pick out hereditary traits you wish to encourage:

You:
Keep – Famous wit; full head of hair
Toss – Lack of self-motivation; blogger’s insecurity

Her:
Keep – Your full head of hair
Toss – Everything else, starting with that “famous wit”

You can also speculate on some “fallback” options for your pressured child, in case you have set the bar too high.* Some other acceptable choices are fireman, cowboy, homosexual, philosophy professor, protestor-for-hire, SAG member, hitman, psychic friend.

* As if.

Then sit back and watch reality set in as you come to the realization that the TV is doing a better job raising your child than you ever did while trying to keep the saving account/bail fund full of emergency cash.

-CLT

h1

The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 3

November 20, 2009

It’s time for Volume 3 of the prestigious and greatly overrated Fancy Plans’ Biblical remixing series. In this edition, we tackle a passage from the book of Joshua (chapter 5 to be exact) in which we find that being the leader of the nomadic Jews wasn’t all about laying siege to Jericho, but it was also about the tedious detail of running a well-organized tribe. It involves knives and other unmentionables.

Previously on The Bible:Fancy Plans’ Edition:
Vol. 1 – Revelations 22
Vol. 2 – Leviticus 5

A victorious Joshua claims Jericho for his people, setting them up for a lifetime of near-constant circumcisions.

Joshua 5

1 And it came to pass, when all the kings of the Amorites, which were on the side of Jordan westward, and all the kings of the Canaanites, which were by the sea, heard that the LORD had dried up the waters of Jordan from before the children of Israel, until we were passed over, that their heart melted, neither was there spirit in them any more, because of the children of Israel. They cried to the LORD, what the fuck, dude? Our water is gone and our hearts are melted. Morale is like, way low. The last pep rally sucked. Harsh.

2 At that time the LORD said unto Joshua, Make thee sharp knives, and circumcise again the children of Israel the second time. And next time, measure first. It’ll save you a whole lot of trouble.

3 And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins. This is down by Jerry’s place. The guy who has the sign posted in his yard and the windowless van.

4 And this is the cause why Joshua did circumcise: All the people that came out of Egypt, that were males, even all the men of war, died in the wilderness by the way, after they came out of Egypt. And nothing turns boys to men faster than a good old-fashioned wiener chopping. Be sure and chop one high and tight, because you can’t sing “The End of the Road” without an alto.

5 Now all the people that came out were circumcised: but all the people that were born in the wilderness by the way as they came forth out of Egypt, them they had not circumcised. And Joshua said, really, what the fuck? How many people are here total? Because I had taken the earlier number to mean that I was done with the “unpleasantness,” but now it’s a regular bris-a-thon.

6 For the children of Israel walked forty years in the wilderness, till all the people that were men of war, which came out of Egypt, were consumed, because they obeyed not the voice of the LORD. They all had their reasons, mainly that it had been four decades without being able to sign anything more than a month-to-month lease. Oh, and all the dick chopping. Unto whom the LORD sware that he would not shew them the land, which the LORD sware unto their fathers that he would give us, a land that floweth with milk and honey, which is all well and good, I suppose. But it does seem a little weak in return to forty years of aimless wandering and crotchal knifings.

7 And their children, whom he raised up in their stead, them Joshua circumcised: for they were uncircumcised, because they had not circumcised them by the way. And Joshua complained, For the love of LORD, can a day go by without me having to get all stabby in people’s crotches? I mean, I love the work but a day off now and then would be fantastic. It’s been forty years of this and I can’t even throw hot dogs on the grill without wanting to head to the back to the tent and decapitate myself.

Joshua, fresh from a "double-header," charges into battle. Not pictured: Foreskin Hill.

8 And it came to pass, when they had done circumcising all the people, that they abode in their places in the camp, till they were whole. Well, mostly whole. They were missing a little foreskin but everyone was free to head up to Foreskin Hill and grab one. Just steer clear of Jerry.

9 And the LORD said unto Joshua, This day have I rolled away the reproach of Egypt from off you. Wherefore the name of the place is called Gilgal unto this day. And Joshua stared at his knives and said, “Whatever.”

10 And the children of Israel encamped in Gilgal, and kept the passover on the fourteenth day of the month at even in the plains of Jericho. Because you just can’t be Jewish without Passover. Or circumcision. Bi-weekly Passovers and near-constant circumcisions.

11 And they did eat of the old corn of the land on the morrow after the passover, unleavened cakes, and parched corn in the selfsame day. And thus began the tradition of brunch, which was used to get rid of last night’s leftovers at a “reasonable” price.

12 And the manna ceased on the morrow after they had eaten of the old corn of the land; neither had the children of Israel manna any more; but they did eat of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year. Goodbye, manna. Hello, old corn. Could things get any better? (No. Hey, get that knife away from me! I’m grandfathered in!)

13 And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted up his eyes and looked, and, behold, there stood a man over against him with his sword drawn in his hand: and Joshua went unto him, and said unto him, Art thou for us, or for our adversaries? Or are you one of the members of the twice-circumcised club? Heehee. “Member.”

14 And he said, Nay; but as captain of the host of the LORD am I now come. And Joshua fell on his face to the earth, and did worship, and said unto him, What saith my Lord unto his servant?

15 And the captain of the LORD’s host said unto Joshua, Loose thy shoe from off thy foot; for the place whereon thou standest is holy. And Joshua did so. And hurled it at the captain, swearing vengeance for forty long years of nomadic existence, crappy food and endless foreskinning.

-CLT