Posts Tagged ‘Cable’

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An Internal Memo from Your Cable Company

November 10, 2009
1923-CommercialCableLetterhead

"Those of you unable to receive email in this day and age, for god knows what reason, will receive your memo in 6-8 weeks via horseless carriage."

To our “valued” employees:

As you may know, the cable industry is going through some trying times. We have been unfairly maligned as callous abusers of customer goodwill and tools of the entertainment industry. We have dealt with unfounded complaints about “bandwidth throttling,” “usurious rates” and “piss-poor response times.”

In an effort to get the public back on our side again, we are going to implement some sweeping policy changes that will affect everyone from the corporate offices on down. Although we are including ourselves in this “improvement,” rest assured our yearly raises will still be in place and necessary cuts (and we believe there will be a lot of those) will be made further down the line.

The following is the list of policy changes that will be implemented immediately, and in the case of some of our lousier employees, retroactively:

Executive Level

  • Publish fewer photos of executives lying around on piles of $100 bills while being service by hookers. Also, blur out or remove any Congressmen that may be in said photos.
  • That delightful Rachel Ray should have her own channel. Look into this.
  • Make an effort to look extremely doleful when speaking about “government interference and deregulation,” even when it works out in our favor.

Customer Service

  • New tiers of Internet bandwidth usage are: Surprisingly Limited, Very Limited, Limited and Unlimited* (*Surprisingly Limited).
  • Change recorded message for incoming calls. It currently is: “For retaliation purposes, this call may be monitored by customer service goons.
  • Present a friendlier image at our service centers. Maybe some more flowers and shit in the waiting areas.
  • Smile when you put someone on indefinite hold. The person on the other line will be able to tell and be less enraged when finally connected.
  • While it is important to smile, try not to laugh or giggle when placing someone on hold.
  • Refunds are to be handed out before the Better Business Bureau gets involved.
  • More color and inspirational posters in customer service areas; fewer “Higher Cable Costs Are Your Fault” signs, unleashed pit bulls.
  • Customer service phone center personnel are now only allowed to impersonate two levels of management.
  • Explanatory notes for unexpected service charges need to be more detailed than, “Sorry, that was supposed to be hidden,” or “Because fuck you, that’s why.”

Field Personnel

  • All service and installation appointments to be handled within a fortnight of originally scheduled date.
  • Service technicians are to limit themselves to one (1) meal and one (1) two-hour (maximum) nap when in a customer’s home.
  • All technicians should take care to only disable one (1) computer per Internet install.
  • Company vehicles used to transports drugs, stolen goods or illegal immigrants must be returned cleaned, vacuumed and with a full tank of gas.
  • Vehicles used for kidnappings should be torched or dumped in the lake.

Thank you in advance for your close attention to these items.

Sincerely,
The Executive Branch

(An additional note: Clicking “Reply All” to this email will result in immediate termination.)

-CLT

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