Posts Tagged ‘Business’

h1

An Internal Memo from Your Cable Company

November 10, 2009
1923-CommercialCableLetterhead

"Those of you unable to receive email in this day and age, for god knows what reason, will receive your memo in 6-8 weeks via horseless carriage."

To our “valued” employees:

As you may know, the cable industry is going through some trying times. We have been unfairly maligned as callous abusers of customer goodwill and tools of the entertainment industry. We have dealt with unfounded complaints about “bandwidth throttling,” “usurious rates” and “piss-poor response times.”

In an effort to get the public back on our side again, we are going to implement some sweeping policy changes that will affect everyone from the corporate offices on down. Although we are including ourselves in this “improvement,” rest assured our yearly raises will still be in place and necessary cuts (and we believe there will be a lot of those) will be made further down the line.

The following is the list of policy changes that will be implemented immediately, and in the case of some of our lousier employees, retroactively:

Executive Level

  • Publish fewer photos of executives lying around on piles of $100 bills while being service by hookers. Also, blur out or remove any Congressmen that may be in said photos.
  • That delightful Rachel Ray should have her own channel. Look into this.
  • Make an effort to look extremely doleful when speaking about “government interference and deregulation,” even when it works out in our favor.

Customer Service

  • New tiers of Internet bandwidth usage are: Surprisingly Limited, Very Limited, Limited and Unlimited* (*Surprisingly Limited).
  • Change recorded message for incoming calls. It currently is: “For retaliation purposes, this call may be monitored by customer service goons.
  • Present a friendlier image at our service centers. Maybe some more flowers and shit in the waiting areas.
  • Smile when you put someone on indefinite hold. The person on the other line will be able to tell and be less enraged when finally connected.
  • While it is important to smile, try not to laugh or giggle when placing someone on hold.
  • Refunds are to be handed out before the Better Business Bureau gets involved.
  • More color and inspirational posters in customer service areas; fewer “Higher Cable Costs Are Your Fault” signs, unleashed pit bulls.
  • Customer service phone center personnel are now only allowed to impersonate two levels of management.
  • Explanatory notes for unexpected service charges need to be more detailed than, “Sorry, that was supposed to be hidden,” or “Because fuck you, that’s why.”

Field Personnel

  • All service and installation appointments to be handled within a fortnight of originally scheduled date.
  • Service technicians are to limit themselves to one (1) meal and one (1) two-hour (maximum) nap when in a customer’s home.
  • All technicians should take care to only disable one (1) computer per Internet install.
  • Company vehicles used to transports drugs, stolen goods or illegal immigrants must be returned cleaned, vacuumed and with a full tank of gas.
  • Vehicles used for kidnappings should be torched or dumped in the lake.

Thank you in advance for your close attention to these items.

Sincerely,
The Executive Branch

(An additional note: Clicking “Reply All” to this email will result in immediate termination.)

-CLT

h1

Minutes from the Fancy Plans Employee Meeting

September 25, 2009
Before we adjourn this meeting, I'd like to show you all this doodle of you all in very compromising positions.

Before we adjourn this meeting, I'd like to show you all this doodle of you all in very compromising positions.

September 23, 2009

In attendance: CLT, Edna Morton (Research), James (Art Dept.), Meredith (Secretary).
Not in attendance: RF Interference (currently heading the House Committee on Un-American Sports Activities)

CLT: Alright. We’ve had a pretty good month, so far. Just a couple of things to note:

1. While readership is up, out leading incoming search is “Richard Simmons,” meaning we have made some inroads into a very fucked-up demographic. I don’t want to point fingers, James, but it’s all coming from the low-angle shot you took of him in his shortiest shorts.

While I’m sure we can all appreciate a nicely-toned ass, I’m not sure we need the kind of readership that is looking for sweaty shots of Simmons’ Ken-doll anatomy.

2. We need to work on our quality control. The New York Times Review of Blogs posted what some might consider to be a “devastating” review. They said we “lack any sort of cohesive theme or focus,” and that we only “occasionally show any sort of insight, mostly limited to rare moments when RF Interference can squeeze a post in edgewise.”

It goes on… at quite some length… let’s see… “caustic windbag CLT…” “amateurish cynicism…” “not real journalists…”

So, some room for improvement. Especially you, James.

And not to point fingers again, James, but your photo selection has slipped. I need concise, devastating pictures that can be easily used again themselves. If I have to spend more than 30 seconds thinking up the perfect caption, then that’s another This Week’s Featured Soaps that won’t make the publishing deadline.

James: Can I speak freely?
CLT: Sure. This is the good old U.S. of A., despite RF’s best efforts.
James: Most of the vague requests and posts leave a lot to the imagination. I’m not really receiving concise direction from you.
CLT: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m the talent. I thought with your fancy degree in… what do you have a degree in?
James: Middle Eastern architecture. I minored in Numerology.
CLT. Jesus Christ! Really? Who the hell is doing the hiring around here?
James: WordPress suggested me using their search engine. I was under “Humor” for no discernible reason.
CLT: Correct me if I’m wrong, but your diploma has calligraphy on it?
James: Yes. I suppose it does…
CLT: Well, Mr. Pompous Jackass Degree Holder, for the rest of this meeting you’re going to use your imagination and pretend that you are now living in a third-world dictatorship and anything derogatory you say will be punished severely.
James: [sulks]

CLT: Moving on. We recently ran a full page of retractions leading me to believe that our fact-checking is not up to spec. Edna?
Edna: I’m sorry, Mr. CLT, but I don’t have much to work with. You banned me from the internet after the fourth crippling virus I downloaded and the encyclopedias you’ve been picking up from the grocery store are short several volumes. Many of the pages contain nothing but coupons.
CLT: Let me cut you off there. And please, call me “Sir.” Your lack of resources is not really my problem. Or maybe it is. Either way, we’re going to simplify: this is your problem. Are you banned from the library computers, too?
Edna: I have one strike left, but it should be gone after they reboot tomorrow morning.

CLT: Alright. I’m going to call a quick recess and go have several shots. You wait here.

CLT: What the fuck? There’s nothing but Triple Sec and Cointreau in here! Where the hell did all the booze go? Edna?
Edna: [snores]
CLT: James! Smell her breath.
James: Why do I have to—
CLT: Because you are the unpaid and abused intern. I’m not going anywhere near her mouth. She eats black licorice all day and apparently drinks a lot of booze. When she opens that thing, it looks like the gateway to hell. Only with less teeth.
James: I’m not going to do that!
CLT: James. I’m going to start writing some numbers on the whiteboard. Stop me anytime… 23…
James: [screams and heads over to Edna]

James:Oh… god… oh god. She’s been drinking.
CLT: Thank you, James. I’m leaving that number on the board for the remainder of this meeting. Try to focus.

Meredith, take a letter. “To the estate of Clive F. Cussler…”

James: I believe Clive Cussler is still alive.
CLT: Really? How the fuck do you know? Flip through a sudoku book? Leave the facts to the pros. Edna? What do we have on Cussler?
Edna: [belches quietly, continues snoring]
CLT: Well, I’m calling that 2 vs. 1, James. Do the math.

To the estate of Clive F. Cussler,

Thank you for your letter dated September 3rd, 2009. In response to your request for the removal of the offending Cussler interview, I have decided to continue running the post. Until you have conclusive proof that Mr. Cussler is not an insufferable prick and that his son can operate an automatic door without assistance, the interviews stays as is.

I will accept time-stamped video accompanied by a signed affadavit. You have my sympathy over the loss of Mr. Cussler, etc. etc. Go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,
Capitalist Lion Tamer

Meredith, read that back to me.

Meredith: [reads letter]
CLT: Good lord! Do I sound like that? All overbearing and profane? Did you add something?
Meredith: No. I transcribed it exactly.
CLT: Hmm. Try to soften it up a little. Throw in a few “prithees” and a couple of F-bombs.

Meredith: [retypes letter]
Meredith: Would you like me to read back the edited letter?
CLT: No. I’m sure it still retains my famous quiet dignity. James, check the file cabinet for some anthrax and toss it in the envelope.
James: Jesus. You actually have some of that?
CLT: I picked some up in early 2002. Everybody had some. Scarcely a letter went out without a heavy dusting of it. It should be in the first aid kit.
James: It’s all gone.
CLT: Nothing? Not even a small but deadly amount?
Check out the box marked Fleetwood Mac’s Greatest Hits. There should be some coke in there. Unless Edna got there first… Toss some of that into the envelope.
OK. Run that to the post office. And James?
James: [exasperated sigh] What?
CLT: When they ask you if there’s anything “flammable, hazardous, perishable, etc.,” try not to say something instinctive like, “It’s not anthrax. It’s cocaine.”

[James heads to post office.]

CLT: Anyone have anything? No? Edna? Edna!
Edna: [snores]
CLT: Alright. We’ll see you all next month, with the possible exception of James.

RF: What a night. Did I miss anything good?
CLT: We have lousy employees. Meredith is the only one worth keeping and I’m sure she’ll e gone once her first paycheck bounces. And thanks to Edna, the liquor cabinet is now about as useless as a fridge full of condiments.
On the bright side, James can be intimidated by writing nearly any number on the whiteboard.
RF: Right-o. Well, I’m off to exchange my greenbacks for British pounds and hit the pub for some football and unintelligible accents. You in?
CLT: American football?
RF: [glares pointedly]
CLT: Fine. Go Tottenham. Rue Britannia. You’re buying the first round.

-CLT