Posts Tagged ‘Boone’s Farm’

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The Amplified Shakespeare: Sonnet XLIV

March 5, 2010

Remember the first edition of The Amplified Shakespeare? How it seemed like it would just be another “one-and-done,” enjoyable for a moment or two before being cast on to the slag heap of abandoned series (Hello Guide to Rock and Roll!) like Grandma’s panties after a bottle of Boone’s Farm?

Ha! Take that, rhetorical questions!

Will.i.am Shakespeare is back. And louder than ever. Prepare to have your minds blown, like so many gas station attendants when Grandma takes the Caddy out for a Sunday afternoon DUI.

The Globe Theatre, where Grandma once threw up, thus earning lifetime expulsion for her and a full refund for everyone else.

Sonnet XLIV

If the dull substance of my flesh were thought,
Thoughts that could stand to lose a few pounds;
Injurious distance should not stop my way,
Like an addled senior driver or an auto insurance con artist;

For then despite of space I would be brought,
With my matter transporter;
From limits far remote, where thou dost stay,
Safely hidden away, behind multiple locks.
And a restraining order.

No matter then although my foot did stand
The sheriff’s office don’t scare me;
Upon the farthest earth remov’d from thee,
Although they responded surprisingly fast, as tho’ thou wast sleeping with one of them;
For nimble thought can jump both sea and land,
I mentioned my matter transporter. Say hello to my Harrier Jump Jet.

As soon as think the place where he would be,
Pawing at you expertly.
(It rhymes!)
But, ah! thought kills me that I am not thought,
(Poetic, non?)
To leap large lengths of miles when thou art gone,
All systems go, um, tango-niner… delta… or whatever…

But that so much of earth and water wrought,
As part of my far-reaching conspiracy theory;
I must attend time’s leisure with my moan,
(Read: jerk off in the shower)
Receiving nought by elements so slow
(Read: the United States Postal Service)
But heavy tears, badges of either’s woe.
Alcohol’s a depressant. Who knew?
(It certainly surprised my poker buddies.)

[This semi-educational post brought to you in part by Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Pants Party, in conjunction with the Vajazzler! Look for it in finer boutiques today!]

-CLT

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