Posts Tagged ‘Bob Dylan’

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Fancy Plans… Guide to Rock and Roll Vol. 7 (Diminishing Returns)

July 6, 2009

 The rock and roll machine hums on, not dead as critics say, just resting. Those who have honestly assessed the situation have noted that the humming is actually coming from the life-support machine, not from rock and roll itself. Unfortunately for the supposed heirs to the rock throne, rock and roll’s will has not been updated since 1964.

Exhibit A in a civil suit filed by the Ramones, citing "immeasurable damage to our reputation"

Exhibit A in a civil suit filed by the Ramones, citing "immeasurable damage to our reputation"

Goo Goo Dolls
Cute as a bug’s ear and twice as disposable, the Goo Goo Dolls have spent the last decade or so studying at the Jon Bon Jovi School for the Bland. Like their namesake, they should probably be discarded, like any other toy, by the age of consent, at the latest.

For U.S. citizens, this would be the age that allows you to begin throwing your vote away and catching bullets in the armed forces. Other countries, not so much. In Islamic countries, your age of consent may be as low as nine, so be prepared to toss your shitty music and dated morals out the window along with most of your human rights.

It probably helps ease the virgin-crunch in Islam heaven, what with all the arbitrary shuffling of the preferred age of consent. Jihad!

This was third on Google's Image search, so I'm going to assume it's correct...

This was third on Google's Image search, so I'm going to assume it's correct...

The Band
An ambiguously-named collective whose claims to fame include being Freewheelin Bob Dylan’s touring group and the bane of marquee signing everywhere. Anchored by Robbie Robertson and Levon Helm, The Band became the ne plus ultra of everything music and band-related.

This talented group became everything anyone could hope for in a The Band, covering musical ground as disparate as country, roots rock, garage, disco, big the band, ragtime, post-rock, folk, jam the band and some of that old time rock and roll, as espoused by Bob “Pete” Seger and his Coors Light Silver Bullet The Band.

Most likely best known for their hit single, We’re An American The Band, for all I know. For more information on The Band, consult your World Book Encyclopedia (see also: Band).

In the twilight of their careers, the Birthday Party begin an ill-advised foray into disco

In the twilight of their careers, the Birthday Party begin an ill-advised foray into disco

The Birthday Party
Of all the ironically-named post-punk groups, the Birthday Party is perhaps the most ironic and definitely the postest. (Until the next edition of the Fancy Plans Guide to Rock and Roll, at which time we will probably delight in some rich, promiscuous irony, as per the FDA’s recommended daily requirement.)

If your average birthday party wasn’t so much about pointy hats and crappy streamers, but rather laden with psycho-sexual undertones and bleak nihilism, then this was your Birthday Party. If Nick Cave stood up at your party and offered a toast which highlighted your father’s murderous past, your mother’s years as a junkie and your own pointless and doomed upbringing, then this was not just a birthday party but The Birthday Party. If your presents included a revolver, a bible and a whiskey bottle, then congratulations! Happy the Birthday to you!

Time to start living each day like it’s your last. Because it probably is.

During the middle eighth, the harp plays itself

During the middle eighth, the harp plays itself

Clannad
To this day, the best-selling Irish artists of all-time (take that, Thin Lizzy!), Clannad is a loose confederation of wood elves, faeries, nymphs and anti-social binge drinkers. They perform traditional Irish and Celtic music meaning only pub-related instruments are used, and the singing, which resembles drunken rambling, is actually Gaelic, the native tongue of various wood sprites.

Should you have a chance to catch this group of Irish poets performing sober, you’re probably lying.

Come on, God. Take him now.

Come on, God. Take him now.

Creed
Following the footsteps of Stryper in an attempt to sell God-rock to the kids, Creed is led by Scott Stapp’s energetic bellowing and embodiment of Christian ideals: drunken misbehavior, fleecing Christian youth, crossover success and incredibly shitty rock.

Creed’s undemanding grunge has earned them millions of undemanding fans and the attention of Jesus Christ’s lawyers due to Stapp’s blatant appropriation of the patented “Jesus Christ Pose.” J.C.’s lawyers argue that this pose was trademarked over 2000 years ago through an arduous registration process which included being tortured and killed by Romans.

Scott Stapp has fired back with a tersely worded, “Whatever. I do what I want.”
The lawyers have replied with “Remember. He brought you into this world and He can surely take thee right back out.”
To which millions of people responded, “Yes! Please do! Send a killer robot back in time to kill his mother if you have to!”

The Jesus Lizard can be safely raised in captivity and lives on a diet of Spree Candy Tarts and ignorance

The Jesus Lizard can be safely raised in captivity and lives on a diet of Spree Candy Tarts and ignorance

The Jesus Lizard
Named after the absolutely true story of Jesus and His bible friends’ mounting and taming of free-range dinosaurs during the Earth’s formative years (before they were all mysteriously “disappeared” and carbon-loaded solely to confuse scientists), the Jesus Lizard wax theologic on potent noise-rock tracks such as, My Own Urine, Tight and Shiny, Rodeo in Juliet, Dancing Naked Ladies, Killer McHann, Post Coital Glow, Skull of a German, Pervertedly Slow and Wheelchair Epidemic.

Anka subdues yet another Pat Boone fan with his icy stare; imposing pompadour

Anka subdues yet another Pat Boone fan with his icy stare; imposing pompadour

Paul Anka
Too easily written off as just another 50’s teenybopper, Paul Anka was more than just a miniature Italian heartthrob. He gave Tom Jones a hit with She’s a Lady and wrote My Way for the then-unknown Sex Pistols.

A legion of snot-nosed bloggers have taken cheap shots at Anka, myself included. This particular besmirching occurred in a comment where I insinuated that Anka was too “edgy” for Pat Boone fans. In reality, many things are too “edgy” for Pat Boone fans, including:

  • coloring outside the lines
  • “California stops”
  • several of the “darker” After School Specials
  • new release parties that begin at midnight
  • widescreen format DVDs
  • Axe bodyspray ads
  • the Disney Channel after 7 pm
The Japanese know shit music when they see it

The Japanese know shit music when they see it

Eric Clapton
6And the Lord said You shall have no other gods before me
7And a voice came from the back of the gathering, questioning these words
8Moses. God. Eric here. Hi. Longtime fan, first-time caller. Lots of people have been referring to me as God and I really haven’t been stopping them. Is this a problem?
9God said Let me take this one, Moses.
10If you’ll take a look further down this list… where is it… here:
11You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name.
12I think that should answer your question, Eric. That actually covers more than one area, but I’m not going to get into that now. Back to you, Moses.
13Moses said, Eric, they’re calling you God? How is that possible? What are they calling Jimi? Seriously. He’s twice the guitarist and four times as well-hung. God? GTFO!
14Eric, abashed, said I have been known to play the guitar in a pleasing fashion and to be quite skilled for an Englishman. Why, I have even been known to—
15I’m going to cut you off there, Eric. Moses is right. Your best known song is about adultery, for the love of Me. And then you went ahead and watered it down with that terrible acoustic version, which is only suitable for coffehouse background music and shareholder’s meetings.
16Not to pile on, Eric, but while God has got you nailed on Layla, let’s not forget Tears in Heaven, another stillborn waste of time—
17Look, I’m classically trained and I have got quite the body of work. I have performed for the Queen and Richard Branson. Have either of you composed a hit song in the last 30 years? I think not. You just think you can sit up there on your mountain and take cheap shots—
18Cheap shots? Are you hearing this, Moses? From a guy who thinks it’s ok to be called God. I though Scott Stapp was bad, but this guy…
19I hear you, God. Well, time to pay some bills. We’ll be back with more commandments after this quick break for the good people at the Burning Bush Gentleman’s Club…

-CLT

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Zondervan Publishing’s Top Selling Christian Books for 2009

June 13, 2009
Not so fast neophytes. You've got to pay for these.

Not so fast neophytes. You've got to pay for these.

These fine titles represent the pinnacle of inspirational writing. We at Zondervan Press are honored to offer you wonderful books at incredibly high profit margins. Just remember, when it comes to living a Godly life, you don’t know shit. Get one for yourself and one for a friend. Zondervan: We’re Holier Than You.

Honing Your Gaydar: How to Go from “0 to Outraged” Efficiently

Beavers Mate for Life: What Nature Has to Say About Our Appalling Divorce Rate

The Agape Press Guide to Cults: Which to Avoid (any other major religion) and Which to Join (Branch Davidian, Promise Keepers)

Israel: Gateway to Hell?: Respected Director Mel Gibson Speaks Frankly About Jewish Culture

101 Places to Find God– Includes jail, AA meetings, the “Rock Bottom” Gentlemen’s Club, the closet, hallucinogen-fueled epiphanies, Road to Damascus Historical Tours, Section L Row 2122 Seat 335 Billy Graham One Night Only, Scott Stapp’s dressing room…

The Uptight Christian’s Movie Guide– Popular movies broken down by obscenities, nudity, bad behavior, taking the Lord’s name in vain, etc.

  • Ex: Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay
    (20:13 – 23:54) – “Bottomless” party scene. Viewers will be exposed to breathtaking shots of half-naked women for nearly the entire three minutes. Some side-boob and full-exposure breasts. Note: Unrated version extends this scene for maximum “offensiveness.” If “offensiveness” persists for more than 4 hours, please contact a physician. Not appropriate for anyone.

The Proper Melding of Church and State: Our Current Republican Representative Speak Out on Our Founding Fathers’ Greatest Mistake

Walt Disney: the Antichrist?– Exploring the dark world of Disney, including magick propaganda, heretical talking animals, pantless anthropomorphic ducks and Disneyland’s Gay Day.

The Subservient Woman – Attention Christian men. Keep them bitches in line with choice, context-less scripture written by ancient misogynists.

What Happens in the Seminary Stays in the Seminary: The Catholic Priest’s Guide to Getting Down

Those evolutionists could learn a lot from this mural, which is currently painted on the side of my '82 Ford van.

Those evolutionists could learn a lot from this mural, which is currently painted on the side of my '82 Ford van.

Jesus: Dinosaur Tamer

How Affirmative Action Is Screwing Up the Afterlife: They’re Just Letting Anyone in Now. I Don’t Even Know What Language Those People Are Speaking. And the Smell When They Start Cooking… Are They Using Lard? Yep, That’s Lard, Alright. And Bone Marrow? I Think That’s Bone Marrow. Good Lord. We Should Think About Moving. I Feel I Need to Start Locking the Front Door Every Night. This Neighborhood Used to Be Good. I Used to Know Everybody. Ever Since That Colored Fella Became President, Heaven Has Been Going Downhill…

Apocalypse Survival Guide: What to Do If You Are “Mistakenly” Left Behind

The Trouser Press Guide to Bob Dylan Gospel Albums

The Recession: How Gay Marriage, Atheism and a General Collapse of Moral Values Destroyed Our Economy – by Dan Conry with a foreword by RF Interference.

Premarital Sex: the Antichrist?– Featuring a round-table discussion from religious leaders who haven’t touched their wives (or anyone else’s) for years. Average age: 80.

God’s Terrorists: A Tribute to America’s Abortion Clinic Bombers – features a profile on ELF: “We may not agree on the ends, but we certainly approve of the means…”

You Make the Call: An Interactive Guide to Judging Others

Rock and Roll Is Dead: Rolling Stone Says So (Again), So I Guess We Can Stop Worrying About It Turning the Youth of America Into Sex-Crazed, Drug-Using Mass Murders

Masturbation: the Devil’s Handjob – Foreword by Battle Creek Sanitarium owners, Will and John Kellogg.

500 Platitudes for Any Situation

  • Death: All things work together for good
  • Tornado: All things work together for good
  • Factory Recall: All things work together for good
  • McDonald’s out of McRibs: All things work together for good. Hand me the phone.
  • Homosexual son: All things work together for good. Except for you. And your son. God hates you both.
  • Single mothers: The Lord works in mysterious ways. Except not for you. You, He hates.
Sporting cleavage? Duets with Peter Cetera and Vince Gill? What line won't she cross?

Sporting cleavage? Duets with Peter Cetera and Vince Gill? What line won't she cross?

Amy Grant: Whore of Babylon

The Christian Kama Sutra: Several (Two) Positions for Maximum Fertility/Minimum Enjoyment

You Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me: Why the Lord Doesn’t Want Your Sloppy Seconds

-CLT