Posts Tagged ‘Big 3’

h1

Buy American! The Benefits of Purchasing a Big 3 Vehicle

October 19, 2010
The 2010 Buick Rhetoric: the finest in American automocars.

The 2010 Buick Rhetoric: the finest in American automocars.

[Still not blogging, but actively planning my return. Until then, here’s a piece that has lost a little timeliness, but still contains a laugh or two. Possibly three. Definitely less than five. Originally published May 22, 2009.]

There has never been a better time than now to buy an American car. Apparently. What with your tax dollars all tied up, you’d think they’d be giving them away. But until that point, here are a few of the many reasons to buy American!*

*Exclamation point required by stipulations of federal bailout.
The ! makes it patriotic.
  • Free up the next election day! By purchasing a Big 3 auto, your vote is already cast for Obama in the 2012 election.
  • Kilometer markings still in small, unobtrusive font size.
  • Park without getting towed at your local VFWs.
  • 30% domestic content, which is 15% more than your domestic content.
Vehicles awaiting government-backed warranty service.

Vehicles awaiting government-backed warranty service.

  • Your warranty is backed by the U.S. government, an entity known for its swift action and efficient problem solving.
  • The opportunity to finally use the phrase: “I liked it so much I bought the company!”
  • Guaranteed to contain at least 22% subsidies.
  • Adjustable gun rack option means even your Neon can look manly.
  • Runs on E85, an environmentally-friendly biofuel consisting of good ol’ American corn and bullshit.
  • At 15 MPG, you’ll stimulate the economy plenty.
  • More seating area and larger interior mirrors make rush hour multi-tasking a breeze.
    @asshole: i’m going 70 in the snow stuck behind the orphanage bus.
    @asshole: i’m going to try to pass them on the shoulder.
  • Horn plays latest Toby Keith fight song.
  • Purchase allows you to proudly state that you fought in Vietnam. Purchasing the rust-proofing option adds “…and lost <limb of your choice> fighting for your right to purchase this fine vehicle, with no money down and no payments for 60 months, on approved credit.”
  • Allows your scab ass to safely sneak past union picket lines.
  • Now you can stop saying, “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” and start saying, “That thing got a Hemi?”
  • Avails you to a wide selection of decals featuring Calvin urinating on various vehicle logos.
  • 40% less “You aren’t from around here, are ya?” harassment.
  • If you die in a collision with a foreign-made vehicle, you automatically go to heaven. God bless America!
  • 30% more bumper sticker room than the leading foreign competitor. (Note: VW Bus not included in this comparison.)
  • You’ll earn the undying respect of Donald Mills. (Note: Valid until Mr. Mills dies.)
In an attempt to cut costs, Ford engineers experiment with forced mating.

In an attempt to cut costs, Ford engineers experiment with forced mating.

  • Unsafe at any speed? Sounds like a dare to me!
  • 2010 Humvee features ELF-deflecting crumple zones and a year’s supply of Enzyte.
  • Fewer savage beatings by UAW goons.
  • Receive the Big Three Insider newsletter, featuring real estate deals in Detroit, MI.
  • Buy any full-size truck, receive a complimentary ’85 Cutlass for the yard.
  • Will allow you to continue believing that Born in the U.S.A. is one of the most patriotic songs ever written. (Note: will also allow you to continue believing that R.E.M.’s The One I Love is a beautifully romantic song and should be played at your wedding.)
  • According to J.D. Power and Associates, the Chevrolet Camaro is still the “#1 choice for meth users/dealers.”
  • Buying a German car is like giving money directly to Hitler. Unless you’re cool with that, in which case it’s like giving money directly to the Jews.
  • Korean and Japanese cars contain too many choking hazards.
  • As you struggle through your latest layoff, you can rest assured that your purchase helped keep the real American heroes “working.”
  • A nation of stupid, obese children will benefit from the government’s “Too Big to Fail” program.
  • Do we really need to say the thing about the terrorists winning? You should know this by now.
  • You probably should have read the fine print before signing Gingrich’s “Contract with America.”
  • Bylaw 412.3(b) of Obama’s “Buy American!” policy states that “no fewer than one (1) in three (3) first sexual experiences must take place in a vehicle containing a minimum of 60% domestic fabrication.” The policy goes on to state that “such (American) vehicles are generally roomier and more suited for awkward groping” than their foreign counterparts, as well as being more prone to actually running out of gas.
  • Complimentary CD of Lee Greenwood’s greatest hit.
  • As a result of John C. DeLorean’s consultation, random “bonus” vehicles will ship with 2-4 kilos of cocaine in the door panels.
Lincoln believes that some things never go out of style!

Lincoln believes that some things never go out of style!

Brought to you by: The 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe

There’s no better vehicle for your golden age driving than the 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe, featuring ample seating for six and a wheelbase of 38 feet. Relax in the comfort of leather seating (from poached free-range cattle) and genuine ivory highlights. The all-encompassing luxury and silent ride, thanks to Lincoln’s patented “Deathclock V-12,” will whisk you away to a simpler time.

A time when the speed limit was 35 mph. Everywhere. A time when youngsters had their pants pulled up, their eyes down and their mouths shut. A time when enjoying a party line didn’t mean dialling a 900 number. A time when quality products were made by Raybestos, Union Carbide and the Universal Music Group.

A time when heading out to a social event with a live band meant safe, chaperoned dancing and punch, rather than shameless full-contact grinding and a lecture about the trade deficit. A time when women and minorities couldn’t vote. A time when black was the only color for cars and white was the only color that mattered.

The 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe: Speak English or Die!

-CLT

Advertisements