Posts Tagged ‘Abomination’

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The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Vol. 6

February 26, 2010

Well, well, well. Look who’s back. And you thought we’d all forgotten about you.

How could we, what with your “Best-Selling Book in the World Ever”  status and your constant unwelcome presence in our hotel room drawers when all we need is the SpectraVision guide.

Say “hello” (again) to the Bible, as translated by Fancy Pants, Inc. LLC.

Previous abominations available here:
The Bible: Fancy Plans Edition Archives

King Josiah leans in to hear the punchline of the latest "Garfield."

1 The words of Jeremiah the son of Hilkiah, of the priests that were in Anathoth in the land of Benjamin: (This will be on the test.)

2 To whom the word of the LORD came in the days of Josiah the son of Amon king of Judah, in the thirteenth year of his reign. (Again, on the test, but worded badly.)

3 It came also in the days of Jehoiakim the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the end of the eleventh year of Zedekiah the son of Josiah king of Judah, unto the carrying away of Jerusalem captive in the fifth month. Due to the “carrying away,” if you re-secure Jerusalem, you’ll need to stop by the courthouse for a lien release ($17.50).

4 Then the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, (in verbal ALL CAPS, as is the LORD’s m.o.)

5 Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee, and I ordained thee a prophet unto the nations. It’s called “predestined.” I do a lot of it. It’s like “premeditated” but it’s tougher to hang a sentence on, especially in Southern courts.

6 Then said I, Ah, Lord GOD! behold, I cannot speak: for I am a child. I mean, not literally, but more in the “I really don’t want to do this” sort of way.

7 But the LORD said unto me, Stop being such a baby. Say not, I am a child: for thou shalt go to all that I shall send thee, and whatsoever I command thee thou shalt speak. Like a puppet. Or the BJU student body.

8 Be not afraid of their faces: for I am with thee to deliver thee, saith the LORD. Or at least, don’t make that horrible “OMG!” face. You know the one I’m talking about. They’re very sensitive about their hideous faces.

9 Then the LORD put forth his hand, and touched my mouth. And the LORD said unto me, Behold, I have put my words in thy mouth. And I said, Did you have to put your words in my mouth with so much tongue? That kind of touching is kind of inappropriate.

10 See, I have this day set thee over the nations and over the kingdoms, to root out, and to pull down, and to destroy, and to throw down, to build, and to plant. To kick ass, to chew bubblegum, to serve in that You Got Served sort of way. (Rather than in that pussy-ass “How may I help you?” sort of way.)

11 Moreover the word of the LORD came unto me, saying, Jeremiah, what seest thou? And I said, I see a rod of an almond tree, which reminds me, what hast thou put so many anatomically correct trees all over? I’ve got a million H.R. complaints to wade through from the last harvest.

King Josiah reaches for his ankh-sword and prepares to "cut a (Baal-worshipping and bearded) bitch."

12 Then said the LORD unto me, Thou hast well seen: for I will hasten my word to perform it. And I said, It’s kind of hard to miss, what with the length and girth of their roddiness… What was the last part?

13 And the word of the LORD came unto me the second time, saying, What seest thou? And I said, I see a seething pot; and the face thereof is toward the north. And the LORD said, You know, your constant reference to inanimate objects and their irrelevant geographic orientation is wearing a little thin.

14 Then the LORD continued, But in this case, I’ll let it slide, seeing as it aligns itself with one of my pet theories. Out of the north an evil shall break forth upon all the inhabitants of the land.

15 For, lo, I will call all the families of the kingdoms of the north, saith the LORD; so if My line’s busy, just keep trying. Or call after 6 pm, Pacific Time. And they shall come, and they shall set every one his throne at the entering of the gates of Jerusalem, and against all the walls thereof round about, and against all the cities of Judah. It’s called “stacking the deck.” Against you. It’s kind of my “thing.” Ask Job.

16 And I will utter my judgments against them touching all their wickedness (repeatedly), who have forsaken me, and have burned incense unto other gods, and worshipped the works of their own hands. I’ll be bringing it to these heathens and their arrogant pot-smoking craftmanship. I mean honestly, does incense fool anyone anymore?

17 Thou therefore gird up thy loins, and arise, and speak unto them all that I command thee. Gird in layers. It’s unseasonably cold. Be not dismayed at their faces, lest I confound thee before them. Once again, they can’t help how they look. It’s a terrible cosmic joke which we’ll blame on genetics. Inbred genetics.

18 For, behold, I have made thee this day a defenced city, and an iron pillar, and brasen walls against the whole land. So hide behind the pillar (everybody gets one) and try to tune out the walls and their outspoken hussiness. Against the kings of Judah, against the princes thereof, against the priests thereof, and against the people of the land. Outnumbered and outgunned: that’s right out of Yahweh’s Art of War.

19 And they shall fight against thee; but they shall not prevail against thee; for I am with thee, saith the LORD, to deliver thee, unless otherwise detained by “deck-stacking” elsewhere. Peace out.

-CLT

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