Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

October 9, 2009
Young at heart; Restless in legs

Young at heart; Restless in legs

This week on The Young & The Restless
Jack shoots first, leaves a detailed questionnaire with the cooling corpse. Sharon breaks hearts as a fictional character triumphing over scripted adversity. Gloria bets $200 on Black. Unbeknownst to Victor, his refrigerator warranty has expired. Paul hits Level 60 with his W.O.W. Rogue. Katherine develops ovarian cancer. And scurvy. Devon fires up some dramatic music, paces thoughtfully. A mysterious fire destroys Nicholas’ collection of common mid-’90s baseball cards. In a short-sighted and self-destructive act, Nikki begins killing off the other characters.

Gen. Hospital's illustrious military career was summed up by this screenshot, pathetic caption

Gen. Hospital's illustrious military career was summed up by this screenshot, pathetic caption

This week on General Hospital
Max’s bloodless coup fails miserably, mostly on the “bloodless” part. Alice watches old family movies, cries silently. Sonny blames his latest fight on his alcoholism, which he blames on his dyslexia. Surrounded by freshly buried corpses, Carly declares her battle with sanity a “tie.” Patrick’s abrasive behavior results in shunning, beating. Luke attempts to “monetize” his masturbation habit, with disastrous results. Samantha touches herself inappropriately; sues Judy Blume. Monica spends a quiet evening at home with a bottle of gin, a jar of peanut butter and the family dog. Jeff decides to fight “the war at home,” much to the dismay and terror of his neighbors. For reasons known only to him, Alfred begins sporting an eyepatch and goatee.

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

September 17, 2009

Time for the weekly update on the adulterous goings-on of your favorite has-been and never-was actors and actresses. And by “your,” I mean of course, not mine.

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

AKA "Childlike and Hyper"

This week on All My Children
Erica “goes black;” considers not going back. Leo downloads and installs Windows Updates. A marriage counselor suggests Maggie spice up her failing relationship with a soft-focus montage. A malfunctioning Operation game opens a hole into another, vaguely familiar dimension. Leo decides pants are “in” this year. Zach asks Kendall if she can touch her elbows together behind her back. Acid flashbacks for Frank; normal flashbacks for Greenlee.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

OLTL presents their Tetris for Idiots spinoff.

This week on One Life to Live
After a long discussion, Agnes just decides to do the damn grocery shopping herself. Amanda receives an invitation to the Black Lodge. Bo speaks in thinly disguised metaphors. With the Emmy nominations right around the corner, Blair suddenly goes retarded. Mostly sunny with a 20% chance of rain. While enjoying some off-camera deep sea diving, Cole succumbs to the bends; becomes a Radiohead fan for life. Langston sucks at backgammon. Charlie’s collection of rare soul records remains unappreciated. Natalie shocks everyone by announcing she is pregnant and unable to conceive.

-CLT

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

September 3, 2009

Well. What do we have here? A returning feature?

Yes. Yes, we do. (Here’s the first shot.) A feature that proved so popular during its debut that I have brought it back for another spin and will probably continue to do so until all interest is lost (you go first).

Followed by "The Hideous and Deformed."

Followed by "The Hideous and Deformed."

This week on The Young & The Restless
Jack’s painkiller addiction is hinted at; quickly dismissed. Sharon entertains coworkers with a bungled camping trip anecdote. Gloria bets $200 on Black. In a portent of things to come, Victor files Married but witholds at the higher Single rate. Paul forgets his “safety word” and is hospitalized. With the Daytime Emmy Awards fast approaching, Katherine begins quoting lengthy portions of Shakespeare. Devon wonders if he should go get stitches. Nicholas tries out his new favorite word: “cuntacular.” Disaster strikes when Nikki mixes colors and whites.

Where doctor stuff gets done, with no specifics or enthusiasm.

Where doctor stuff gets done, with no specifics or enthusiasm.

This week on General Hospital
Max obtains a Class B driver’s license. Alice’s conspiracy theories expand to include most major land mammals. Sonny discovers he is powerless to stop anything, really. A flashback reveals Carly’s dark past as a city councilperson. Patrick deems fishing trip “enjoyable;” “successful.” Luke cuts the red wire. Samantha defuses a tense situation by farting loudly. Robin visits with Luke and Laura about the “amazing opportunities available through Amway.” In an effort to keep their relationship exciting and spontaneous, Jeff has Monica stalked and killed. Alfred asks a rhetorical question; is rewarded with a long fade to the closing credits.

-CLT

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This Week’s Featured Soap Operas

August 25, 2009
... except you. You're adopted.

... except you. You're adopted.

This week on All My Children
A horrible secret from Bianca’s past comes back to haunt her, mainly by opening cupboard doors and flipping the lights on and off. At a dinner party, Greenlee discovers Leo’s autobiography manuscript and drunkenly mocks him. Maggie slips into something “more comfortable.” Bianca handles some exposition. Kendall gets a surprise late night phone call from her podiatrist, resulting in a frantic search for size 4EEE shoes. Zach visits an ATM. Babe asks Dixie to lend her $50 for “gas and whatever, until Friday.” JR Chandler holds rocks glass; stares intently into mid-distance.

OLTL debuts their Jeopard crossover.

OLTL debuts their Jeopardy crossover.

This week on One Life to Live
Rex discovers he has brain cancer; begins physician-ordered regimen of heavy drinking and spousal abuse. Agnes threatens to “choke a bitch.” Nigel makes a string of thoughtful and cautious investments. Natalie gets a good night’s rest after a short, uneventful day. Oliver deals with an embarrassing issue when his check is declined at the liquor store. Bo blames her latest embezzlement attempt on her glaucoma. Addie installs new windshield wipers. Jared and Charlie work together to track down source of disembodied voices speaking earlier lines of dialogue.

-CLT

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Assoc. Escort Holdings ’09 10-Q Highlights

August 11, 2009
Rufus prepares himself for Take Your Daughter to Word Day

Rufus prepares himself for Take Your Daughter to Work Day

A selection of key information from Associated Escort Holdings, LLC’s filing for the 2009 fiscal years. All notes by Rufus “Pimp Daddy” Kane, owner and CEO.

MANAGEMENT’S DISCUSSION AND ANALYSIS OF FINANCIAL CONDITION AND RESULTS OF OPERATIONS

CAUTIONARY STATEMENT ON FORWARD-LOOKING INFORMATION
The following is a discussion of our financial condition and results of operation for the period January 2009 – July 2009. This discussion will include various forward-looking statements about our industry, demand for services and projected results. They include statements regarding our expectations and strategies regarding the future. The words “believe,” “expect,” “anticipate,” “better have,” “will be gettin’ mine,” “schemin,” etc. are intended to identify these forward-looking statements (“how it’s gonna be”).

OVERVIEW
We are a city leader in the world’s oldest profession, providing 24-hour service to three of five New York City boroughs. In February, we acquired a 20% stake in Skip Tracee’s Bail Bonds, a joint-venture that should allow a maximum amount of cash (“coming and going”) and limit our employee’s (“bitches'”) down time. We also have a 4% stake in Greyhound Bus Lines, as a show of gratitude for the incredible amount of potential employees they provide us with.

QUANTITATIVE DISCLOSURE ABOUT MARKET RISK
In the ordinary course of our business, we are exposed to earnings and cash flow volatility resulting from changes in general economic forces, massive fluctuations in earnings due to irregularities in convention scheduling, “bitches” not having my money and general police corruption. Other potential risks are discussed below in “Risk Factors (Pimpin’ ain’t Easy)”.

RISK FACTORS
Despite near-constant demand for our services (“half-and-half”) and a steady influx of Midwestern girls looking to “make it big,” pimping still remains a difficult venture. Some of the many debilitating factors are listed below:

Employee Burnout
Due to the hectic work schedule, highly physical job demands and undue pressure from law enforcement and city officials (“street hassle”), we have experienced an 18% drop in total number of “bitches” who “better have my money.”

One area of concern is our current lack of a retirement plan for our employees. As of now, retirement plans are addressed with the proprietor (Lucas “Pimp Daddy” Kane) informing the workers that they may not quit (“laying down the pimp hand”).

Although threats of physical violence have proven effective in the past, we have found that our customers and competitors are often willing to carry out our threats with little to no warning (“beaten us to the punch”).

Sorry, ladies: Pimpin' (big, medium or small) is not EOE-compliant

Sorry, ladies: Pimpin' (big, medium or small) is not EOE-compliant

Decreasing Levels of Naiveté
As PSA’s, new reports and the grapevine (“gossipin’ bitches”) continue to expose Midwestern ladies to the negative aspects of our business, we have noticed a sharp drop in the number of starry-eyed teenagers arriving in New York City to become actresses, singers or state senators.

We may be forced to turn to our own city for new employees, which may prove difficult as these New York City bitches has seen it all, and are often running their own criminal ventures (“game”).

Workplace Injuries:
In addition to the high number of contusions, broken bones and trunk stuffing suffered by our employees, repetitive stress injuries are now affecting the proprietors of fine hooking businesses in the form of “pimp hand,” a debilitating illness that decreases the effectiveness of a well-placed backhand (“sho nuff”).

Without an effective “pimp hand” in place, our stable of employees (“hospitality workers”) may soon fall into a permanent state of “gettin’ uppity” or “mouthy.” Our competitors may use this state of fucked-upness to make their move (“aw hell nah”). It also negatively impacts our profitability as our employees (“hostesses”) is kickin’ back less and less and using more vacation time.

To sum up: bitches do indeed still “have my money,” only less of it and at longer intervals. (“Shit’s unacceptable.”)

Negative Portrayal in Popular Culture
As movies, tv shows and after-school specials, etc. (in addition to the issues listed above, under “Decreasing Levels of Naivete”) continue to portray our business (“pimpin’ ho’s”) as one full of immoral, violent reprobates (“evil fuckers”), our continued success as a business entity cannot be guaranteed.

We have banded together with other “escort service managers” to form an anti-defamation group (PIMP – “Pimps Is Merely People”). We are proactively laying down our “pimp hand” (or alternate hand, if current “pimp hand” has not received clearance for return to duty via doctor’s note) to clear our names. We are focused on addressing several issues including:

  • Pimping not being easy
  • These Cadillacs, furs, hat feathers and grills won’t pay for themselves
  • Neither do the incredibly ostentatious decorative canes
  • We just tryin’ to get ours
  • Who else is gonna get you laid, no questions asked?
  • We want Times Square back
  • When it comes to vehicles, we always buy American
  • Where my money at, bitch?

-CLT

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The People v. the State of California

February 22, 2009

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As far as rock cliches go, hatin’ on California is right up there with “the fame and money makes me suicidal” and “this whole touring thing has really got me down.” A million bands have penned a million contemptuous tunes about the skin deep constituents and the million layers of fakery (exceptions: the Beach Boys, Tupac, Frank Black).

This one is no different, except that it is undeniably awesome.

On his latest Magnetic Fields’ album, Stephen Merritt whips up a Phil Spector-ish wall-of-fuzz and tops if off (and I’d have to check with RF on this) with some echoing kick-drum reverb just prior to the title. The final note of perfection is the female singer (Shirley Simms). If a man sung this, it would be hypocritical at least and sexist at best, considering most men will drop the hating pretense if the right sexual offer presents itself. But when a woman sings it, you know she means it.

See them on their big, bright screen,
tan and blonde and seventeen.
Eating nonfood keeps them mean,
but they’re young forever.

If they must grow up, they marry dukes and earls.
I hate California girls.

They ain’t broke, so they put on airs,
the faux folk sans derrieres.
They breathe coke and they have affairs
with each passing rock star.
They come on like squares, then get off like squirrels.
I hate California girls.

Looking down their perfect noses at me and my kind,
do they think we won’t–well, nevermind.
Laughing through their perfect teeth at everyone I know,
do they think we won’t get up and go?

So…
I have planned my grand attacks.
I will stand behind their backs
with my brand-new battle ax.
Then they will taste my wrath.
They will hear me say, as the pavement whirls,
“I hate California girls…”

Magnetic Fields – California Girls.mp3

All mp3s are only temporarily available. If you like what you hear, please support the artists. If you wish to have a track removed, please contact me at 2timegrime@gmail.com.

-CLT