Archive for the ‘WIN’ Category

h1

A Quickstart Guide to Blogging with WordPress

November 23, 2010

Eyeball embedding - $29/year. Check under "Upgrades" on your Dashboard. (Use your good eye.)

Welcome to WordPress!

Starting with your first post, the future is today! There has never been a better time to be alive and have opinions, as our easy-to-use features will have you up and running in no time!

It’s time for you to set free those unedited (and unspellchecked) thoughts and start “bringing the noise,” WordPress-style! Are you ready to become part of our exclusive team of over 200 million bloggers?

[If the answer is “Yes!” please proceed.]

Excellent! We’ll just need a valid email address.

[Don’t have one? Well, no worries, Luddite. You’re still free to peruse our selection of 500+ million blogs (only one-third of which are abandoned) and view our inserted ads. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to actually “blog” and will be mocked incessantly by those who joined the 20th century back when it was still the 20th century.]

Naming Your Blog

Now that the confirmation is out of the way, you’re ready to begin! We’ve chosen your username as the default URL (laydeekillah64) but you can call your blog anything you want. Before you choose, you may want to consider your blog’s subject matter. Here are some ideas:

  • I like shopping!
  • I like CPM!
  • I have advice!
  • I know stuff!
  • I share music!*
  • I’m Wiccan!
  • I’m easily entertained!
  • I have ADD!
  • I’m not sure if I agree with your politics!
  • I don’t do research!
  • My mom thinks I’m funny!
  • ICP4EVAH!!1!
*Your blog has been deleted for Terms of Service violations! Thanks for playing!

Now that you’ve figured out what you want to write about (ICP4EVAH!!1!), it’s time to set your title (ICP4EVAH!!1!). Don’t worry. For maximum confusion, you can change this at any time via your header options.

Ah... "Default." Excellent choice.

Choosing a Theme

It’s time to choose a theme! We currently have hundreds to choose from, so feel free to spend the next several hours perusing them before settling on one of the five that are actually useful/attractive. Or just leave it set to the default (see above), which will give your blog that timeless “almost abandoned” look.

Getting Readers to Your Blog

Now that you’re (presumably) writing, it’s time to get some readers. After all, if no one’s reading your posts, then your blog (and, by extension, you) has no reason to exist. You have plenty of options available to get that Pageview ball rolling!

Oh, look! Over 350,000 "Observational Humour" blogs, 349,000 of which include zero instances of either "observations" or "humour."

Blog Catalog, Blogger, etc.

With a simple but complex signup routine, your new blog will now have the opportunity to be ignored by thousands of new readers, all of whom are loudly promoting their own blogs. By harnessing the collective power of hundreds of self-interested parties, you should be exchanging links with India-based new scrapers and shady Vietnamese porn sites in no time at all!

This cute little "Digger" symbolizes the thousands of users furiously burying your submission.

Digg

It may take some time to get your blog seen by this unfocused and rigged popularity contest, but if you manage to make the elusive front page, look out! Your page will soon be overrun with thousands of one-time visitors! Those few who choose to leave a comment will most likely point out that they’ve seen all of this before, usually several decades ago or caustically correct your grammatical errors. You may also find yourself completely out of bandwidth and on the receiving end of sternly worded messages from your hosting network. Fun, fun, fun!

The WordPress Dartboard O' Instant Noteriety

Freshly Pressed

Outside of Digg, nothing will give you a larger temporary stat boost than being “Freshly Pressed.” Our crack team of blogologists scan new posts daily, looking for new, exciting posts that meet our randomly enforced criteria.

If you should find yourself “Freshly Pressed,” brace yourself for an onslaught of new readers and commenters who will congratulate you on your “Freshly Pressed” status before wandering off to the “next ‘big thing’/link on the list,” leaving you feeling like a former child star whose Disney-propelled ship has suddenly sailed, thanks to the onset of adolescent ugliness.

Commenting

There is perhaps no easier way to get new “eyes” on your blog than through commenting. Visit other like-minded blogs and leave insightful/hilarious comments (see examples below). If other commenters are intrigued by your brilliant insight/humor, they need only to click on your name to visit your site.

  • “Insightful!”
  • “Great job!”
  • “Check out the blog!”
  • www.laydeekillah64.wordpress.com
  • “Hilarious!”
  • “You guys are soooooooo funny!!!!”
  • “LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!”
  • “Acai Berry Flavored Viagra Cheap!”
  • “I just wrote something dealing with this exact subject at my blog, only approaching it from the angle of writing about something completely different! Please click on my link!”

 

Conclusion

Now that you are armed with all the information you’ll ever need ever, get blogging! Remember these two adages:

– You’re only as good as your last post!
– The Internet abhors a vacuum!

Good luck!

-CLT

h1

I’m Back, Baby.

November 11, 2010

The drunken, profane robot has spoken.

Now, as many of you are probably asking yourselves right now: “Who the hell are you and why should I care?” And rightly so. I have been gone quite awhile. Most of you have continued on with your lives and blogging in my absence. Some, unfortunately, haven’t.

Don Mills finally decided to give the young people of the world a break and get on with retiring. Tragically, this leaves a gaping hole in the “youngster bashing” arena which no one can properly fill, not even pale imitation Clifton Tanager and his rambling, horrific anecdotes. Even more tragic, his absence will only encourage the youth of America, as his removal will confirm (in their tiny minds) that if you say “STFU” loud enough, for long enough, your tormentor(s) will eventually go away.

It’s kind of a shitty message to be sending, but hopefully it’ll just sail over their underdeveloped heads like pretty much everything else.

Fundamental Jelly also called it a day (mostly), taking his camera and dry wit with him. Another gaping hole left in the internet which won’t be filled anytime soon, as sharp-eyed photographers rarely possess devastatingly understated humour. (Seriously, when was the last time that Annie Leibovitz made you laugh?)

Of course, like all the greats, he left an opening for a possible sequel.

But the rest of you kept on going. And look at you, all grown up and sprouting facial hair and posts all over the place! (Especially you, Scott.)

Bschooled has added Facebook-trolling to her bag of hilarious tricks. Vodka and Ground Beef changed her template but not her delightfully wrong take on world events. Ruby Two Shoes’ quality hasn’t dropped although her post count has. Ulysses over at Hidden Leaves is shifting focus as well, resulting in fewer posts by still delivering tons of insight. And new blogroll addition Imperfect Enjoyment (found via this piece at Defenestration Mag) continues to drop nearly scatological science on subjects from questionable hairstyles to 50 Cent’s inappropriate contact with an underaged Soulja Boy.

But enough about you, what about me?

Let’s recap:

RF Interference appeared periodically to dispense advice on clothing, HBO and other such matters usually left untouched, which somehow touched off a turf war in the comment threads. After several days and several thousand words, RF was declared the winner, thanks to his immaculate embedding of a JPEG in the comment thread.

We received our first DMCA takedown notice, which oddly enough left the music selections unscathed. However, it did rob this post of a fine photo of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and its attendant Scott Stapp bashing. However, it can be argued (and it has…) that the caption is equally effective without the photo.

Various submissions were rejected (where “various” = “a majority”) but amazingly, a few broke through. Two at Defenestration:

One more appeared at The Big Jewel:

Some of these will look familiar to long-time readers, but some significant editing (for the better) went into the Big Jewel post and the Coach Rafferty piece has never appeared here on the blog.

McSweeney’s remains unfazed by my onslaught of submissions, countering each one like a jaded tennis instructor returning the serves of uninterested 13-year-old students.

A River and Sound Review served up the best rejection, shattering all my illusions about the selection process:

“Thank you for sending us “Concert Review” for consideration. However, after reading it, we have decided not to use it.”

This new “reading submissions” editorial scheme does not bode well for my untitled (and 99% unwritten) novel.

To sum up: it’s good to be back. I’ve missed this. And I learned two things while away:

1. When you stop writing, you stop writing.
2. There’s nothing easier than not writing.

So, fortunately or unfortunately, I need this kind of pressure to stay creative. Thanks for reading.

-CLT

h1

Rraaiillss – 1098 (Hiatus Interruptus)

September 10, 2010

[Still on leave of absence, but I threatened to post as events warrant and this is one of those events…]

Sometimes something strolls into your life, dressed in pencil-thin leather pants, a ratty black t-shirt featuring a band you wished you’d heard of, radiating a confidence born of too many all-nighters and careless cigarette usage, all topped with an impossible hairdo.

As it leans casually into the nearest darkened corner and watches everyone else trying too hard, you get the feeling that it knows something you don’t. This is confirmed when it says, with a mixture of bravado and resignation, “I know something you don’t know.”

And you know that you’ll never really know what that “something” is because if you press, it’ll be gone. It has a million other places it could be. But for right now, it’s tantalizingly close. Close enough to touch but miles away internally.

This “something” was SPF85, which enigmatically sauntered into my life a few months back, bringing with it the memories of formative musical experiences. Specifically, it conjured up the time-and-place intersection of a newly flexed independence meeting the brothers Reid and their 1-2-3 punch of Psychocandy, Darklands and Automatic.

Rraaiillss, in a little under 4 minutes, channeled the life-changing sounds of the Jesus and Mary Chain, a band so confident they played deliberately antagonistic white noise gigs and served notice to the music world that not only could you harness a Beach Boys melody to an impaled amp, but you could do it without a drummer.

Not often can a song take you back 15-20 years while making you glad to be alive here and now. Only a rare few tracks can turn you back into the 19-year-old you were, breaking free of radio’s compressed myopia.

All of this overlong, incoherent intro is simply a meandering way to call your attention to the debut of Rraaiillss’ album, 1098, currently available to purchase and/or stream over at bandcamp.

As those of you who have heard the demos know, it’s incredible stuff. The JAMC touchstones are still very much there as one man band Adam Anderson maneuvers through this 12-song set. It’s a late-80s college radio feel so authentic you can practically see the department store Vox and its ridiculously small amp buzzing away in someone’s garage late at night, delivering hormonal riffs unfazed by the cheap-as-hell stock strings and faulty pickups.

But other influences are at work as well. Halogen arrives in a burst of white noise, landing somewhere in the neighborhood of My Bloody Valentine and Curve, all churning guitar undertow pushed along by a tireless drum machine set to “stun.”

FlossyNossy pushes its way into your carefully organized albums, making instant friends with your Chapterhouse LPs and House of Love singles collection.

Unlisted lucky 13th track What Time Is It? camps out on the Thames with the forces of the British Invasion, lugging with it a very welcome but somewhat impractical Wurlitzer.

All in all, a remarkable debut. It’s perfect for long drives during moonless nights or sunbaked, somewhat hungover, weekend mornings. It’s good-natured bad vibes, slightly warped and coated in restrained guitar fuzz. Catchy as all hell, too.

Buy/stream here:

Rraaiillss – 1098

-CLT

h1

This Unofficial Post Brought to You by Rraaiillss

August 20, 2010

I’m taking this brief, very informal timeout from my self-imposed exile to point you in the direction of Rraaiillss who’s returned with another killer track in advance of his upcoming album, 1098, which will be released September 9th.

His latest, When You Feel Like…, is just another slice of off-center pop goodness with a heart of gold. Granted, it’s a rather dark gold in an “I like accompanying misery” sort of way, what with the desire to change his ways getting handcuffed to the hopeless assurance that “when you feel like poison/I’ll kiss your skin.”

Might as well give in and be dragged down with him while he kicks that last nail in, riding the twin propulsion system of a chugging guitar riff and some very insistent drums.

And maybe it’s just me, but I found myself kicked right in the heart of my music collection, triggering the aching realization that I haven’t sat down and given Automatic a good listening to in a very long while. I really should check in and see if suicide’s still standing, sucking in her cheeks.

Thanks for your attention. I hope you all are doing well. I will now return to the woodwork from whence I came.

Download Here

More Rraaiillss

Incubator

[Yes, I stole a Robert “This is our last album ever” Smith lyric, but it was from Disintegration. Not only is this the Cure’s best album but it was also released over 20 years ago so I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations has expired.]
[Another postscript: Adam Anderson (aka Rraaillss, aka Incubator) has another trick up his sleeve and if I get the go-ahead, I’ll probably be breaking what we in the blog business call “radio silence” at that point as well, if I haven’t already returned to the, um, “airwaves” by that point.]

-CLT

h1

Elsewhere on the Web…

July 21, 2010

 

Look. It’s that guy. Only with his real name.

http://www.thebigjewel.com/a-guide-to-homicide-investigation/

(Hit the home page for a nice little intro.)

I can now say that I’m a “published” writer when accosting random strangers or forcing my way into conversational huddles. I’ll leave it vaguely worded in order to indicate a large body of published work, rather than just the first (in what is hoped to be many) appearance outside the confines of self-publishing.

-CLT

h1

Heavy Rotation 51: Are You Still With Me? Edition

July 4, 2010

At this point, we’ve done nearly a year’s worth of Heavy Rotations. And you all have been simply fantastic to preach music to. But there has to have been a handful of times when you listened to a track I’ve recommended and thought, “The hell?” Maybe even more than a handful. Perhaps this happens quite frequently but you’re all so worried about me and my obviously unhinged brain that you cover up your dismay with streams of compliments and superlatives.

This volume of the Heavy Rotation is an attempt to explain exactly what the hell is wrong with me.

As you’ve heard so many kids say before, “I’m not like the other kids.” Something broke way back in the day. I never was really betrothed to verse-chorus-verse structures. That went away with the acclimation to industrial music. I never really liked over-production or skillful instrument usage. I was more interested in new noises and ritualistic abuse of common musical references.

My brain says, “We’ve all heard enough rock. Enough techno. Enough whatever, done perfectly and repeatedly. What else have you got?”

This is what I found. These are all formative tracks (and one late arrival) that left my musical psyche horribly mutated. I’ve still got a keen ear for beautifully done music and catchy tunes. But this is the shit it must fight through. And this is the shit I turn down before the neighbors can hear. This is the music I don’t introduce to the new in-laws.

There a few things that any one person can truly call their own, especially in terms of culture. But these are MINE.

I do not expect anyone to walk away from this feeling they’ve found a new “go-to” track for their next social event or even hear anything they’d want to hear again. But god help me, I love these songs.

I thank you in advance for indulging me. I also apologize in advance for any damage done to your stereo equipment or relationships with friends and neighbors.

[Right-click to download tracks. All other links open in a new window.]

Easier listening found here:
The Heavy Rotation Archives

The Jesus and Mary Chain – Upside Down.mp3
This is their first single, which I encountered on their Barbed Wire Kisses compilation. It’s an ear-bleeding statement of intent, in which William and Jim Reid pretty much shove their guitars right through their amps, producing a wall of feedback that steamrolls anything Jimi Hendrix had ever done into an unrecognizable white-noise puddle.

Underneath the racket, which one critic memorably described as “a chainsaw in a hurricane,” there’s a hummable melody and some suitably bleak lyrics. But its the banshee-scream of the feedback that acts like a siren song to me, compelling me to place my head between the speakers until every synapse joins in.

And it probably explains the next tune quite a bit. (Still here? I’ll explain…)

Josh Wink – Higher State of Consciousness (Original Tweakin Acid Funk Mix).mp3
An influential breakbeat/acid house classic, featuring the tortured tones of a Roland bass emulator cut adrift of its factory settings and being made to do unpleasant things to sine waves.

Josh Wink allows it to ride a bit of a groove first before gradually winding it all up into a pulse of piercing tones, the likes of which had only been hinted at by early acid house pioneers like Hardfloor and DJ Pierre. An all-around celebration of making your machine(s) say, “Yes,” rather than simply taking their word for it when they say they shouldn’t.

If I hadn’t already been open to skull-piercing treble tones (thanks Jesus & Mary Chain!), I would never have gotten on board with this one.

Moby – Thousand.mp3
As long as we’re still within arrestable distance of club music, here’s techno popstar Moby, who plays around with his drum machine and ends up in the Guinness Book of World Records for “Fastest Song.”

For everyone who only knows him from Play onward may be surprised by his prolific days as a techno producer/DJ in which he produced several underground techno hits during the formative years of the American rave scene. Some of his best work is collected on Rare:The Collected B-Sides 1989-1993, from which this track is taken.

Thousand relies on little more than an accelerating beat and a parallel diva sample to get the job done. Moby takes the tune around the block a couple of times, opening it all the way up on the straightaways.

Should anyone really do this sort of thing, just because the technology will let them? I doubt it. But some people just have to. Moby is one of them. Should anybody call this “good,” let alone “great”? Of course not. But somebody still will. And that person will most likely be me.

The “Thousand” refers to the beats per minute.

Lightning Bolt – Two Towers.mp3
This nuisance of a band joined my intensely personal (and carefully obscured) heavy rotation thanks to my blog partner RF (who’s back, by the way). He shot this over to me along with a selection of other stuff ranging from the tuneful to the aggravating.

And this is where Lightning Bolt stand. They’re a two-person “band,” one playing a bass guitar and the other, a jazz trap set. What do they sound like? It depends on when you ask. They rarely sound like Primus. They don’t even really sound like their closest analogue, Death From Above 1979.

They sound like a fucked-up thrash band most of the time, but they run some amazing bass-propelled grooves, over which the masked drummer screams unintelligibly. (I can see the line forming now, he said tongue planted firmly in cheek, etc…) This track starts out like the most annoying hardcore track ever, with the guitarist wanking all over the place for about a minute in the most show-offy, tuneless manner possible. (Fingers on the “Next” button…)

But at :55, the track takes off. The song coheres and races off to the next transition, grinding and abrading the edges of a lockstep groove, which falls apart now and then, but seamlessly reassembles and continues, yes, rocking, believe it or not.

By all appearances this should suck. But it does not. Not to me. Not to RF. Not to dozens of fans worldwide. It’s brutal without having the decency to at least be efficient. Seven minutes is a lot to take. Unless you’re me. Or RF. I’m used to seven minutes of minimally changing grooves. I love techno. RF loves him some metal, so he’s used to being smacked around for extended periods as well.

It works like a noisy-ass mantra. It’s a drunken god of war parading through your headspace. It’s all so wrong it has to be right.

Skinny Puppy – Download.mp3
Had enough? Well, there’s just one more. And it’s only 11 minutes long. (Cue insane laughter and Persian cat-stroking.)

This is from a last-gasp effort by Skinny Puppy, Canada’s answer to Throbbing Gristle and Cabaret Voltaire. This is before they imploded. But not much before. Last Rights (from which this is taken) is the sound of self-destruction coupling with drug-fueled paranoia and unfocused rage.

This is the last track from the death knell (although they did reform, but for the sake of this post, we’ll pretend they never did). It’s more Cevin Key’s (keybs, percussion) baby than Nivek Ogre’s (lead singer). It’s an incoherent mess of samples and loops, driveby radio signals, reversed and pitch-shifted vocal snippets, random button mashing and good old-fashioned dial-spinning.

Operates much like Cevin Key’s post-Skinny Puppy work, functioning better as nightmarish soundscape than actual tuneage. Hell, he even named his next project after this track. It’s quite a bit to take, all this cacophony. So I’m going to do you a favor.

I don’t really care for the front half of this track myself. I find it to be pointlessly self-indulgent, much like I find most of Download’s (the band) work. Instead of subjecting yourself to something even I wouldn’t put up with, move on to where I think the track redeems itself.

Spin the virtual dial forward to 5:18. You’ll hear the last fading sonics from the first half meeting the most malevolent selection of bass tones which follow it until the end. They pan and sweep and haunt. They pulse and throb, attack and decay.

That is what I love. 5+ minutes of overdriven, mildly distorted bass lines, sweeping through the headphones and into the most damaged recesses of my personal tastes. It’s like hell’s theremin.

I love these sounds. You can’t make them with rock instruments. You have to work pretty hard to make them with banks of electronics. You have to work even harder to ride this sort of limited idea for 5-1/2 glorious minutes.

[Want a track removed? Would you care to see my blogger’s license? Could I interest you in a new set of speakers/ears? Email me: 2timegrime@gmail.com.]

-CLT

h1

Of Pipes, Trilbys and Events That Never Happened

June 1, 2010

This guy looks familiar as all hell...

Announcing the blog debut of the best-kept worst-kept “secret” in this corner of blogland: Clifton L. Tanager, unreliable narrator.

Extensive thanks are in order for Don Mills, without whom this personality would not exist. Several months ago Don asked me to write a piece for his blog, The Problem with Young People Today Is… Unfortunately, due to circumstances both seemingly fortuitous and mostly out of his control, this piece never saw the light of day. Although he never made his official published debut, Clifton soldiered on as a rambling commenter on various blogs.

(I’ve selected a few favorites below if you’re unfamiliar with his disturbing and dislocated monologues. All links will open in a new window.)

More articulate, meandering and deliberate than my usual self, the other “CLT” tends to steer clear of musical advice, expletives and very little else. For every “fuck” that is unspoken, a horrifying story of wartime venereal disease rises in its place. For every up-to-the-minute band that goes undiscussed, another soul-crushing workplace anecdote is recounted.

Available now in blog form, Clifton L. Tanager will be giving you a weekly dosage of advice you don’t need and answers you didn’t ask for, only at:

Unsolicited Advice

-CLT

h1

Relationship? Friend: Or How to Visit Nigeria on Less than $145 USD/Day

May 12, 2010
[The following is the entertaining story of a three-day dialogue with yet another Nigerian scam artist. As was the case with the email exchange, I may find this more entertaining than anyone else, especially the earnest scammer on the receiving end.
So, without selling this short any further, here it is: the full conversation with “Richard Thompson” of “Fedex Nigeria.” No names have been changed as I highly doubt there’s any innocence in here at all.]

From: MARIAM ASHJAEI

You have a bank draff of some amount in USD,contact the fedexcourier
company for claims with your informations. Contact person, Mr.Richard
Thompson.Contact This Email:(
fexdexcomp@gmail.com)

Mr. Richard Thompson –

Thank you for the informations on my bank draff. I am curious to know how many USD are included in this draff, as the original email only narrowed it down to “some.” Thanks in advance for any informations you can give me. 

CLT

FEDEX COURIER SERVICE, WEST AFRICA
EDO STATE,NIGERIA.

Dear CLT,

In respect to your email, I have been awaiting for you to contact me for the delivery of your check of $780,000,00.You can as well come down to this branch to pick up your package or even send someone to pick it up on your behalf. More so, the phone number works perfectly and I will advise you cross the number again as it is below this mail.

There is this Mr.Wellington who came to our company last week to place your check on out going delivery, he has already paid for the insurance fee and the delivery charges. But he did not pay for the security keeping fee due to the fact that we did not know when you will be contacting us via mail or phone to inform us that we have your check, so we advised him not to pay for the security keeping fee of the courier company so far but we informed him to contact you on time so you will not have to pay more than $145 USD on demurrage and we do not operate COD{Cost On Delivery} on a charge like this.

All you need to do right now to get your check delivered to your door step is to go ahead and pay the security keeping fee of the courier company so far.The fee is $145.00 USD only, you are to come up with this fee as to process the delivery of your package for immediate dispatch.

Payment should be made via western union money transfer only for security purpose, payment details are listed below.

Name:Mr Kingsley Enogun
Address: Benin City, Edo State Nigeria.
Text Question to be used: Relationship?
Text Answer: Friend

You have to send down the MTCN (Money Transfer Control Number) and your complete postal address. Reconfirm your full name, address, country and most important your phone number.

Get back to me with your payment details, I will have to send Mr.Wellington a mail that you have contacted me regarding the check he left for you. Note that your tracking number would be provided to you as soon as the payment has been made and confirmed by us.

Have a wonderful time. Please call me anytime you need any assistance.

Regards
Mr.Richard Thompson
Dispatch Director.
Tel:(+234)8037361050

Richard –

Thank you for the informations. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the “some” amount of USD is a whopping $780,000. This was much more than what I would normally describe as “some,” which I had pegged at around $18.50.

However, it comes as no surprise to me that Mr. Wellington has, shall we say, “welshed” on the security keeping fee. I have been Mr. Wellington’s erstwhile guest at the pub on several occasions and he has always managed to make himself quite scarce when the check arrives. He often uses impeccable timing to be in the restroom, taking a personal car or pretending he doesn’t recognize me when the bartender presents the tab.

I would love to be able to pay this fee for him, but tell him that this is absolutely the last time I will be willing to do this. Only the promise of $780,000 USD is keeping me from sending him a sternly worded reprimand on his loutish behavior.

A few issues will be keeping me from paying this fee immediately.

1. I am currently in Greenland, avoiding extradition for some extraordinarily large library fines. As I am unfamiliar with the “lay of the land,” I would need directions to the nearest Western Union office or Greenlandish equivalent.

2. I am also unfamiliar with the exchange rate. Would you be able to convert $145 USD into the local currency? (I think it’s either elk hides or shiny rocks.)

3. You state in your email that both a “security keeping fee” and a “demurrage” fee will need to be paid. Is the $145 USD for both or are there separate costs? Am I liable for both or can I just pick one to pay? (If so, I would like to choose the one that actually makes sense.)

Once I have these answers, I will proceed posthaste to the nearest check cashing facility to send “some” amount of USD (approx. $145) to:

Name: Sir Ben Kingsley
City: Benin City “Home of the Waffle Cone”
Text Question to be Used: “Who’s the moustachioed private dick who’s a sex machine for all the available women of a certain social status?”
Answer: “Poirot!”

Thanks in advance for your prompt response.

Sincerely,
CLT

P.S. You’d be surprised how little “green” there is in Greenland. Makes me think I’ve been misinformed…

Attention: Mr CLT

We got your mail. You can visit western union site http://www.westernunion.com to see any of there office closed to you.

I do not actually know your local currency. But you can visit xe.com to be able make the conversion.

Yes the amount will cover them, as confirm from my information. All you need do is to proceed with the payment immediately to enable us carryout the delivery.Remember the information you need to make the transfer:

Name:Mr Kingsley Enogun
Address: Benin City, Edo State Nigeria.
Text Question to be used: Relationship?
Text Answer: Friend

And also remember to send us the transfer information like the sender name,amount sent,country and the money transfer control number(MTCN).

Expect your mail as soon as possible to enable us commence delivery.

Mr.Richard Thompson
Dispatch Director.
Tel:(+234)8037361050

Richard Thompson –

Thank you for your somewhat prompt response and I apologize for the delay in mine.

I took a look at the Western Union website (thanks for that), but a quick trip out to a couple of locations showed that they were, unfortunately, closed to me. I’m not sure whether this is due to my continued misunderstanding of the local time zone or if it’s due to me (as is repeatedly pointed out) “not being from around here.”

I also checked out the exchange rate (again, thanks for the link) and it looks very favorable. The dollar must be especially weak right now, as a single elk hide is fetching nearly $850 USD. Thank god for the recession, eh? Not only that, but I am flush with elk hides thanks to a recent forest explosion. (Officials are citing the forest for not being up to code.)

I have the elk hides on the way to the nearest currency exchange as we speak. I chose a native to deliver them (via dogsled) and it’s hoped that his rugged Greenlandish looks will bypass the locals’ xenophobia and allow him to wire you the $145 USD.

He hopes to reach the office by nightfall, which I believe is Sunday. (I’m never going to get used to this “midnight sun.”) He did express some confidence in arriving sooner as a rash of exploding forests has made his trip nearly obstacle-free. There’s a good chance you’ll have the $145 USD in your hands by tomorrow.

I just want to double-check the wiring info:

Name: Kingsley Amis
Location: Edo City – Next 4 Exits
Question: What has two thumbs and loves to lord this fact over a majority of the animal kingdom?
Answer: This guy!! (I’m pointing both thumbs inward, indicating myself.)

Your MTCN and transfer information will be sent by my courier, hopefully enabling commence and carryout as soon as possible.

IF YOU DO NOT RECEIVE PAYMENT WITHIN THE NEXT 12 HOURS, PLEASE EMAIL ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I CAN MAKE OTHER ARRANGEMENTS.

Sincerely,
CLT

(P.S. My apologies for my statements made earlier regarding Mr. Wellington. You were most likely referring to ARTHUR Wellington while I was referring to GENE Wellington, a known kleptomaniac and erstwhile degenerate.

Gene Wellington tore through my life a few years ago, leaving behind nothing but empty DVD cases and bulb-less table lamps. The DVDs will eventually be replaced and new lightbulbs purchased, but the damage to my soul may never be repaired.

Last I heard, he was headed to the States [with several of my personal possessions] to try his hand at “blogging” and writing books. The cad.

Arthur, on the other hand, is a saint. I would trust him with your life.)

[Unfortunately, this was the end of the line. I’m not sure what may have been the element that pushed “Richard” to toss this into his personal “junkmail” slot. Was it Mr. Wellington’s backstory? The “midnight sun”? Dogsleds? I guess we’ll never know.
Which brings me to Point B, which I completely failed to reference earlier.
Yet another side project, bearing the unlikely URL of http://thepenismadeoutofspam.wordpress.com/, and inspired by this unsettling spam comment, has been erected… so to speak. It is my intention (which is usually much, much greater than my follow-thru) to turn this new piece of half-assed blogging into a spam aggregator, collecting the worst, most disturbing and otherwise just-a-tad-off pieces of spam floating around the internet.
Take a look around and if you’ve got anything post-worthy, hit the Submission tab to find out where to send it in. Thanks in advance for your humouring of me.]

-CLT

h1

I Survived!: True Stories of Human Survival Vol. 2

May 6, 2010

Welcome back! It’s been a couple of  (long) weeks but here it is at last: the next volume in what is hoped to be a series for the ages.

Brace yourself for the unkempt horror that is: I Survived! V.2

Also recommended:
I Survived! Vol. 1

Above is the last known photo of the field recording equipment still alive.

Jason Brune
While capturing some field recordings for his upcoming concept album A Gaian Distress Call of Distress, Jason lost his footing on an incline when the rain-weakened ground gave way below him, sending him tumbling 120 feet to the gravel road below.

Severely wounded and unable to move, Brune briefly wondered as to the condition of the recording equipment, which he had borrowed (without permission) from a friend (who was currently out of town). His answer came less than second later when the reel-to-reel joined him on the gravel, smashing itself (and most of Brune’s arm) into hundreds of pieces.

Brune attempted to retrieve his cell phone from his pocket, but the severity of the pain prevented him from doing anything more than microscopically shifting his weight and vomiting, somewhat less microscopically.

Realizing that he would die if he didn’t receive medical attention quickly, Jason began to pray. The relative painlessness of the silent prayer was soon disrupted. An unlikely answer arrived in the form of a speeding Lexus, which ran over both of his exposed legs before screeching to a halt.

Alerted by the unexpected speed bump, Mike O’Connor (and his wife) sprang into action. (Beth waited in the car as instructed.) Said O’Connor: “At first glance it seemed pretty serious. But after some closer inspection, we only found some light scuffs on the rocker panel.”

The O’Connors brought Greil to the emergency room, putting him in the care of some of the finest self-medicators in northern California.

O’Connor: “I’m sure the trunk wasn’t the comfiest, what with our roll of chicken wire and some lovely loose agate from our earlier rock hunting in there, but I’ve got a genuine leather interior.”

Adds Betty: “We would have sent him something during his recovery, but Hallmark doesn’t carry a ‘Hope You Recover from Your Horrific Injuries and Agate Cuts’ card, and I won’t buy off-brand.”

Jason has yet to speak negatively about this experience, something doctors attribute to his “indomitable spirit” and his “struggles with re-learning the English language.”

This artist's depiction of Longwell's ill-fated jump fails on every conceivable level.

Jake Longwell
Longwell, a self-styled “extreme” sportsman, found himself in very different sort of “extreme” situation one fateful August afternoon, when his “routine” 30,000-foot skydive became anything but routine.

Says Jake: “When I saw all the quotation marks, I should have known something was wrong.”

Something was indeed “wrong” wrong.

At 5,000 feet, Jake’s parachute fails to open. He deploys his backup at 1,500 feet but it becomes tangled in the main chute. Jake heads toward the ground at nearly 80 mph, his descent only slightly slowed by his tangled chutes and his screams of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!”

Longwell’s body slams into the ground at a very “extreme” speed of 85 miles per hour, instantly pulverizing most of his “extremities.” Fearing that it will be several hours before his baked pilot even realizes that he’s missing, Jake consults his mental map and determines that he will have to crawl nearly 12 agonizing miles to reach the nearest town.

His progress is slow at first, as Longwell uses his chin to pull himself forward and his sole unbroken toe to help push. Sixteen hours later, Longwell suffers a setback when his soul patch blows out, dropping his usable chin surface by nearly one-third.

Running dangerously low on MTN Dew, Longwell regroups and gets his bearings, doing some quick mental arithmetic with his mental abacus. After mentally sliding the beads this way and that, Jake angrily hurls the mental abacus across the brain room and mindreaches for his mental digital calculator.

He is not happy with the answer. (5318008.) Jake determines that his rate of travel is around 18 inches per minute. He attempts to pick up the pace.

He presses on, using the 1.5 degree downslope to his advantage and attempts to make up for lost time by keeping his lapses into unconsciousness to less than 30 minutes per “spell.”

Around the 30-hour mark, Longwell gets another break as he find some relatively smooth pavement on which to drag himself along. No longer held up by uneven terrain and underbrush, he begins to pick up speed, occasionally troubled by irate ground squirrels and local teens, who pelt him with taunts, beer bottles and inane, indecipherable chattering.

At this time of this writing, Jake has still not reached the nearest town.

-CLT

h1

The Fancy Plans Guide to Binge Drinking

April 14, 2010

If you're doing it right, even the camera will be wasted!

As any panicked moralist will tell you, college binge drinking is a serious problem, one that must be dealt with in the most hysterical way possible. While they entertain the 60 Minutes camera crew with third and fourth-hand tales of Jello shots and the damage done, we’d like to take the time to give you the “straight, uncut dope” on “doing it up right,” “getting crunk,” and the myriad potential benefits of getting “totally ‘faced.”

Freeform Amateur Debates
Everything from politics to religions to pop culture to that thing your girlfriend does when she’s “down there” can be expounded upon and argued about with no regard for facts or coherence. Most debates will take the form of FOX-News programming, wherein the loudest is usually considered the “rightest.”

Some hot-button issues to consider:

Is a cousin located far enough out on the family tree branches to be considered “fair game?” Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it after the horrendous string of birth defects?

The deck has been stacked against repeat sexual offenders for far too long! Follow up: At what point did society determine this was “wrong?” Was it before or after the sign went up in my yard?

That’s what happens when you elect a black president! Follow up: As the head “man,” is he still in the position to stick to the “man?” My casual co-opting of the hip hop lifestyle has also granted me some sort of enlightenment or something in regards to our president and the plight of my brothers, who are all several shades blacker than I am.

Unless you’ve knocked up like five or six random women within the last couple of years, I don’t think you’re qualified to offer your opinion on abortion. Follow-up: Condoms just don’t feel as good. I totally had no idea that was your sister. For reals, bro.

Don't worry about not getting enough to drink. Your friends will make sure you stay hydrated.

Making Memories (for other people)
A full night of drinking and drugs (trust me, these two will be in close proximity more often than not) will often play havoc with your mind, leading you to believe you just had several beers and went quietly to bed after entertaining your friends with your racous wit. In all reality, nothing could be further from the truth, and most of your friends and acquaintances will be able to piece your night together for you. Brace yourself.

And it goes a little something like this:

It late into a full night of drinking with party moving from the local bar to someone’s house. While some people have wisely called it a night and headed home, the die-hard still remain, willing to ride their buzz right into the barrel of God’s shotgun, which he has nicknamed “Daylight” and loaded full of headaches and regrets.

The full-on party has devolved into subdued conversations, occasionally punctuated by riotous laughter/loss of consciousness. Elsewhere in the house, drunks are half-heartedly trying to get it on, despite the fact that neither partner can feel anything from the neck down or form coherent thoughts from the neck up.

At some point, someone will emerge half-clothed from a darkened room and ask if they might have an additional bump of coke, or hit of ecstasy or another Xanax or whatever and that they’re willing to OH MY GOD SHE JUST STUCK THAT BEER BOTTLE IN HER VAGINA! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

Once something like that happens, a crowd will gather. And speculation will begin.

Is this supposed to make her look sexually desirable? I mean, we all know that an entire (but miniature) human can emerge from there BUT JESUS MAN, SOME THINGS ARE MEANT TO BE A MYSTERY! CHRIST ALMIGHTY, AM I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE I CAN EVEN COMPETE WITH THAT? I’M NOT HUNG LIKE A LOUISVILLE SLUGGER!

Soon enough, though, someone is going to take a chance on that, despite the fact that they’d need to be forearm deep before either of them felt anything. Good luck, man. That’s not for me. GOOD LORD, ONLY THE NECK IS STICKING OUT! GET SOME CLOTHES FOR HER. OR SOME COKE. DO SOMETHING, MAN! PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON! THAT’S SOMEBODY’S DAUGHTER.

Now try to match that up with how you think your night went.

  • Girl: Had some drinks. Woke up sore. Scored a baggie of coke somehow.
  • Guy: Totally got it on with this crazy chick. She was wild!

Other memories you may make for this crazy quilt we call “life”:

  • Human beer cozy
  • Sexual harassment suit
  • High-centered roommate’s Escalade on the freeway median
  • Human Sharpie canvas
  • Misplaced virginity
  • Lost job in less than 4 hours
  • The case of the mysterious and uncomfortable infection
  • Got a tattoo/joined the military

Vomiting
Your body’s way of telling you that you’re headed towards blood poisoning at a high rate of speed. You can’t get a much clearer sign that you should call it a night. However, this sign is often interpreted otherwise by power drinkers, usually as the following:

1. Time to get some sleep, perhaps right here on the bathroom floor.
2. Yay! I’ve got room for more drinks!

"Fuck you, buddy. I already did."

Should You Have More to Drink?
A good question, one that is usually answered with an unqualified “yes.” Listen for some of these common signalling phrases (most of which will be stumbling out of your mouth, so it may be wise to get a second party [PAAAAAAARRTTTYYYYY!!!!! – ed.] to corroborate):

I’m losing my buzz!
Unqualified yes.

Whose sister do I have to fuck to get another drink around here?
Unqualified yes. (And: Barry’s sister, actually.)

I’m going to make a booze run!
Are you driving?
– Yes. (Unqualified yes.)
– No.   (Unqualified yes. And one for the driver.)

I don’t think I can drink any more.
Unqualified yes. But have a small one, like a shot of Rumpleminze.

I can’t feel my face.
Unqualified yes + one (1) bump of coke.

I’ve got to get back and study.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!! Unqualified yes.

I think I’m bleeding internally.
What am I? A doctor? Hell-unqualified-yes, motherfucker! (Med students are allowed to answer this question with the addition of the word “yet.”)

[Slipping into a coma]
No. (But only because it would require some sort of intravenous intervention to continue drinking. Check with the med students.)

I’m being arrested!
If you can get “one for the road,” by all means, do so.

Stop fucking my sister! Here’s your goddamned drink!
Unqualified yes. (Double up. You’ve just been through something which could be construed as traumatic if you weren’t so wasted. Get a double for your sister as well. The “sister-fucker” only needs a single.)

-CLT