Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

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The Audacity of the Same Old Shit

October 8, 2009
Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

Observers noted that this was one of the few times that Obama leaned to the right.

As many of you may have noticed, I am way less than thrilled with the current President. It’s not so much the man in the office. He’s just another career politician. It’s what he could have been and how quickly he sold out. Here’s a rather lengthy rundown on why I’m sick of Obama.

Let’s start out at the beginning. Obama is chosen as the candidate for the Democratic party after an extended bitchfest with Hillary Clinton. Clinton makes some odd moves like making up stories about being shot at while out with her husband (the current President) in a hostile nation. What bearing this has on the race is moot, as she is not in the running anymore.

As this event occurs, an amazing groundswell movement takes up the torch for Obama, consisting mainly of uninformed citizens whose voting records would be considered spotty at best and “I last voted when MTV was rocking the vote” at worst.

Everybody wants to get on the bandwagon. Time Magazine spends the entire race publishing one public display of affection after another. Everyone on the internet talks about how “energized” and “hopeful” they are. Even the largely apolitical music blogs I visit start posting adoring articles and spicing up their usual clubland pics with the occasional Obama poster.

So at this point, I’m on guard already. If nothing else, life has taught me that large groups of people who agree on something are generally wrong. (Case in point, Nickelback has sold 30 million albums.)

But let’s look at his opposition. Obama already has most of the country eating out of his hand and McCain is busy running his campaign with all the grace of a 300-lb. club-footed ballerina.

McCain’s campaign was rife with stupid moves like running off on the high road mid-race to get a handle on the shitty economy (“We have no time to campaign! We need to serve the people!“) only to reappear roughly minutes later on the campaign trail (“Fuck the people! I’ve got a race to win! Vote for me in November, people!“).

At the Republican National Convention, McCain decides to outplay the race card by grabbing himself the nearest woman to serve as VP. (“I see your black guy and raise you one woman.”)

By this time the election should have been called on account of candidate ineptitude. McCain clearly wasn’t going to win. And he certainly didn’t deserve to. Throwing him into office would have been like tossing your car keys to Vince Neil.

Obama coasted to victory and claimed the throne. Originally it was just the presidency but the entire world seemed to approve of it so his title was upgraded.

[Full disclosure: I did not vote for Obama. I did not vote for McCain. I sat this one out because write-in candidates (Batman) generally receive less than 4% of the popular vote (Alan Keyes).]

So now we only had a few short months until a young, vigorous black smoker took the helm. I thought, “Well, this is different. Let’s see how this plays out. Maybe he will shake things up with his vitality, charm and second-hand smoke.” If nothing else, it wouldn’t be four more years of being fucked while wrapped in the American flag.

And then he lost me.

Even though he wasn’t officially in office, he made it a point to nudge Bush in the ribs (hard) to get that Big Three bailout money rolling. This happened on November 10th, less than a week after his election.

“Hook a brother up,” he said, referring not to himself, but rather his fine union brothers whose corruption and greed had brought their employers to the brink of bankruptcy. And as RF Interference pointed out, bankruptcy means ditching the union, so that obviously wasn’t acceptable. (“It isn’t.” – Michael Moore)

That was the beginning of the end.

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New England Dairy Farmers Gather to Bitch, Moan

September 18, 2009
Apparently, "fair" means propped up by the government and paid for by the consumers.

Apparently, "fair" means propped up by the government and paid for by the consumers.

New England dairy farmers are asking the public to pay more for milk.

As part of Keep Local Farms, organizers set up a Web site for people to make contributions, which will be divided among farmers, and are urging universities and other institutions to charge a little extra for dairy products in their cafeterias, with the proceeds going to farmers. The University of Vermont is the first to sign on.

As the leading source of said milk, you may be asking, “Why in the fuck would they do that?” Why, indeed. Apparently, they’re not making enough money.

Farmers are getting about $11.40 per hundred pounds of milk, down from $18.72 last year, officials said, attributing much of the change to declining exports amid the global recession. Put another way, farmers are getting 97 cents for a gallon of milk that costs $1.80 on average to produce. Some stores price milk at $5 or more per gallon.

So, step one is begging ordinary people to pay more for a product in the middle of a recession. Sound reasoning that will no doubt prove popular.

Step two? Ask for an anti-trust investigation of Dean Foods, whose merger in 2001 led to their currently position as the #1 milk supplier in the U.S.

Some possible problems with this:

1. Dean Foods purchases less than 15% of the total milk supply in the U.S. (Granted, this is according to Dean Foods. The N.E. dairy farmers allege that they control 80% of the market.)
2. Dean Foods’ supposed monopoly did nothing to prevent some record high prices in 2007 and 2008, which the dairy farmers responded to by purchasing more cattle.

It’s not as though they’re not getting any help. There has been a price support system in place since the 1930’s to ensure a minimum price. Dairy farm subsidies in the U.S. have totalled $3.6 billion since 1995. In March of 2009, Obama reinstituted some long dormant export tariffs on milk, much to the displeasure of pretty much the rest of the world.  Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders just got $350 million in dairy aid added to an aptly named “spending bill.”

So, 80 years of subsidies and tariffs can’t keep you afloat and now it’s up to the public to bail you out, either directly (charity) or stealing (taxes, tariffs, subsidies). At what point did running a business ensure you of successful employment for life? Companies close all the time. People get laid off. Expenses are trimmed. Every time the market decides to kick the shit out of your business does not mean the rest of the country needs to ride to your rescue.

Just because the word “farm” is getting thrown around does not mean that it’s instantly a more worthwhile business than anything else out there. The amount of instant pure-heartedness and quiet dignity that gets ascribed to farmers is ridiculous.

You run a business. You are not God’s chosen ones. You are not “salt of the earth.”

You have a powerful lobby and the mistaken belief that farmers are “good people” working for you. You also have tariffs, subsidies and price fixing in your corner. If you cannot find a way to profit while running a crooked game, get the fuck out. You are broke. Busted. Move along.

They bitch about the fact that they can’t break even selling their milk but that the grocery stores are selling it for an assumed incredible amount of profit.

If your problem is the disconnect between the alleged raping you’re taking and the astronomical profit the grocery stores are making, then why not take it up with the distributors and the chain stores?

You won’t because if you alienate them, you have nothing left. But good old John Q. Public, whose pockets have been reached into so often recently, can afford to take one more for the team. And why not? He’s only had to bail out car companies, banks, the country itself (through “stimulus”) and is about to be rung up for “free” health care. And that’s just in this administration.

Your argument with the grocery stores’ prices makes this argument to the public: “We know that you are already paying too much for milk, with their ‘inflated margins.’ We just want you to pay a little more.”

And what happens when prices return to a profitable level? Will you be letting those who have generously agreed to pay more (in return for nothing) that they can stop ante-ing up for your milk? Or will you decide to let it ride until they call “bullshit.”

Maybe you should just cut out the middlemen and reorganize as a non-profit that happens to have milk as a by-product.

Grow up. The rest of industry carries on and it’s the smallest farms holding it back and bitching the most. Everyone wants to root for the underdog, but you really can’t claim that term with the government willing step in and fight your battles for you.

The point of any business is to make money. You’re not a business anymore. You’re a money pit. A sinkhole. A vagrant with a “Will Bitch for Free Money” sign hanging around your neck.

You all enjoyed 2007-2008 just like every other business in a sound economy. Now that it’s a recession doesn’t mean that you should be exempt from the shit everyone else has to deal with.

-CLT

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Obama Delivers Stunning Message to Nation’s Youth: “Work Hard, Stay in School”

September 8, 2009
Obama horrifies the kids with his reading of "James and the $62 trillion in unfunded Social Security Benefits"

Obama horrifies the kids with his reading of "James and the $6.2 trillion in unfunded Social Security Benefits"

Obama delivered his “controversial” speech today to presumably hundreds of schoolchildren. What did he have hidden in there? Here’s a few choice words of wisdom from the man himself:

[P]ay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed.

Alright. Let’s see what else he has:

If you don’t do that – if you quit on school – you’re not just quitting on yourself, you’re quitting on your country.

Solid. No quitting. What else?

Your goal can be something as simple as doing all your homework, paying attention in class, or spending time each day reading a book.

Fuck me, that’s brilliant.

Thanks for the pep talk, Pres. Perhaps now would be a good time to remind everyone that “Winners Don’t Use Drugs” and “Knowing is Half the Battle.”

So let me sum this up. “Work hard, stay in school, take responsibility for your actions.” Wow. Way to get all up in everyone’s face. Way to challenge today’s students with a string of platitudes they’ve already had laid out for them by parents, teachers, inspirational posters and “educational” inserts on Saturday morning television.

Of all the chickenshit speeches that have been delivered, this one ranks near the top. Hell, George H.W. Bush delivered this same set of lukewarm sentiments nearly 20 years ago. You’re the new face of politics. Get your balls back from whomever is massaging them this week and make some statements. At least Reagan had the guts to lay out the cold hard facts for the kids:

Reagan called taxes “such a penalty on people that there’s no incentive for them to prosper … because they have to give so much to the government.”

He manages two whole sentences dealing with fixing what’s wrong with public schools. Nothing in there about lousy teachers and corrupt administrators chewing up $25,000 per year per child in Washington D.C.

And what about those public schools? They’re not good enough for Obama’s kids. Public school wasn’t good enough for him. But the voucher program which would allow other kids the same opportunities that he and his family have has been denied. And for what? To keep the NEA happy. To keep them supplied with students whose future they are actively ruining.

Just as Obama proved he was hip pocket material for the United Auto Workers, he has made long strides to claim his place as the pocket pool shark for the National Education Association. At least he can tell the parents that the NEA sees all students as the same: a big $ sign.

And it has been proven over and over again that the NEA protects and retains bad teachers. Take a look at the teacher’s union struggles in New York City. It is impossible to fire a teacher, no matter how incompetent or lazy.

These fifteen teachers, along with about six hundred others, in six larger Rubber Rooms in the city’s five boroughs, have been accused of misconduct, such as hitting or molesting a student, or, in some cases, of incompetence, in a system that rarely calls anyone incompetent.

Meanwhile, the 757 – paid from $42,500 to $93,400 a year – bring in lounge chairs to recline, talk on their cellphones and watch movies on portable DVD players, according to interviews with more than 50 employees.

Until this kind of taxpayer-funded bullshit ends, nothing will get better. They need to get tougher on the don’t-give-a-shit students as well. Expel them. Let their parents deal with them. Stop providing free day care for undeserving students and parents.

This is all moot. This won’t change. No one has yet and no one in the near future looks willing to deal with it.

But here’s what upsets me the most. The whole “personal responsibility” angle.

How dare any politician, Republican or Democrat, black or white, male or female even presume to instruct others about taking personal responsibility. The arrogance and hypocrisy evident in this action is breathtaking.

Where’s the personal responsibility of these “employed-for-life” teachers?

Where’s the personal responsibility of these union members and corporate leaders who ran the Big Three automakers into the ground and were rewarded with taxpayer money?

Where’s the personal responsibility of this nation’s banks whose inept management and bad decisions allowed them to fuck their shareholders but still hand out taxpayer-funded bonuses?

What about the personal responsibility of the Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac mortgage system that demanded banks lend out subprime loans after erasing any sort of personal responsibility on the part of the purchaser, real estate agent, etc.?

Politicians have no personal responsibility. They allow special interest groups to rewrite the law books in their own image. They lie down for lobbyists, allowing their patrons to run a crooked game in the name of “fair trade.” Politicians create law after law for their constituents that they have no intention of following themselves.

And it’s not just at the top levels. This sort of above-the-law arrogance runs all the way down:

A Westport lawmaker who voted to hike the state sales and alcohol taxes was spotted brazenly piling booze in his car – adorned with his State House license plate – in the parking lot of a tax-free New Hampshire liquor store, the Herald has learned.

The real speech to the nation’s children should prepare them for the nation they are being handed.

Let Obama talk. Let he and his fellow politicians (left and right) lead by example. Let them show your children that if you want to be a politician you’d better start brushing up on your hypocrisy and start naming your price. You’d better be able to look your fellow man right in the eye as you’re fucking him. (Yoga classes, perhaps.)

Keep the status quo. Play ball. Scratch backs. Do what’s best for you. Do just enough for your constituents that you stay elected. Switch sides if you have to. Hold yourself to a strict double standard. Kiss ass. Name names. Sell out. Sell others out. Cheat, lie, steal, compromise, waffle, fold, demure, obfuscate, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

Never, ever forget that you are better than the people you represent. Think for them. Decide their fates. Nanny them to death.

But when the time comes, be sure to look them in the eye, deep concern in your voice, and assure them that they have made a wise choice. You are the voice of change.

-CLT

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Happy Labor Day

September 7, 2009

fuva_main

Happy Labor Day!

Brought to you by the unions of America, whose main selling points are:

1. Wal-Mart pays low wages!

and

2. The last time we did anything positive was over a century ago!

Thanks for looking out for us, fellas. May you continue to bankrupt companies, intimidate scabs and damage job sites in your quest to make America all she can be!

-CLT

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DJ AM: Today We Mourn a Non-Entity

September 1, 2009
The shiz that put Crazy Town on the map: DJ AM.

The shiz that put Crazy Town on the map: DJ AM.

[Tip of the hat to RF Interference who first informed me of DJ AM’spassing, and in turn, his existence by asking, “Are the pacifier brigade in mourning?” (Or words to that effect.) A further tip of the hat to Tannerleah over at Stop Annoying Me for bringing my annoyance with the past existence of DJ AM bubbling back to the surface.]

The world is suddenly abuzz with news of DJ AM’s overdose. “Who?” some of you are probably asking. “Whom?” others of you are asking, more properly and possibly with a British accent. I asked myself this same question.

As a follower of electronic music and DJs in general, even I hadn’t heard of him. Turns out I was travelling in the wrong circles. DJ AM was known best for his squiring of such luminous figures as Nicole Richie and Mandy Moore. A professional celebrity DJ.

Crazy Town signalled their craziness through various neck movements and refusal to line up single-file. Also, they had a DJ for no apparent reason.

Crazy Town signalled their craziness through various neck movements and refusal to line up single-file. Also, they had a DJ for no apparent reason.

Here’s a little more background on DJ AM:

DJ AM’s (a.k.a. Adam Goldstein) first tenuous claim to 15 minutes came as the “DJ” for “his” “band” Crazy Town, a band as edgy and threatening as a temporary tattoo. You may notice that I have multiple sets of quotation marks in the previous sentence. It’s no mistake. Let’s go ahead and diagram the hell out of it:

DJ” – Meaning AM was the jackass in the back, fiddling madly with the turntables and mugging for the camera during his allotted 10-20 seconds per music video. His contribution is unknown. Perhaps the “band” felt its street cred would rise above “lunch money donor” on the musical playground. All anyone asked of their DJs is that they stay in the back and shut the fuck up.

his” – Crazy Town wa no more his band than the Beatles were Pete Best’s. He was one of those added features that several bands of that era (Papa Roach, Limp Bizkit, etc.) deluded themselves into thinking was essential. So they all got a DJ and who’s heard anything from those turntablists recently? But nevertheless, there it was. Have band, need DJ. As de riguer as the loud-quiet-loud dynamic, faux-rapping and the “I’m singing from inside an old-timey radio” vocal effect.

band” – Crazy Town was a band in the sense that they all played instruments (except DJ AM) under one name as a somewhat cohesive unit. Much like Scary Movie 3is a film, in that it’s shot on film and played on a projector. Still no one’sgoing to confuse it with other films, like The Godfather or even Mobsters.

That’s the backstory.

On August 28th, DJ AM is found dead in his apartment of an apparent “accidental” overdose. The tweet goes out and is soon answered. Here’s a few of the fringe celebrities and would-be rock stars, who were among the first to max out their vocabularies, building deep thoughts out of 140-word sentences: Pete Wentz (Fall Out Boy), Paris Hilton, Perez Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mandy Moore, John Mayer, Ryan Seacrest, Jordin Sparks, P. Diddy.

Let’s take a peek at some of their incredible eulogies, presumably iPhoned in during a rigorous workout/massage/blowjob:

@johncmayer I really want to use words right now but I can’t get em.

THX, John. I really want to not beat you with your own guitar, but English is hard.

@solangeknowles I hope people don’t taint his legacy…..because there isn’t any concrete proof yet. That guy was a walking miracle.

Wonderful, whoever-the-fuck-you-are. He died of drugs surrounded by drug paraphernalia, so I’m guessing “concrete proof” is just an autopsy away (and there is one). Also, Jesus would like to inform you that miracles seldom include dying, at least not if you can’t shake it off in 3 days. Also, also: an ellipsis is three dots, not however the hell many you want. You’re working with a 140-character limit. Don’t use it all at once.

@BonnieFuller DJ AM DEAD & SO SAD! I wonder if the poor thing was suffering from survivor’s guilt after that terrible plane crash

Awesome. Thanks for the amateur diagnosis, BF. If this is “survivor’s guilt” then get a 24-hour suicide watch up at Travis Barker’s place. He “walked” away from that crash as well, and these things always come in three’s. (Someone find a third person to tie into this. I can’t have my pet theories continually crushed by your speeding Buick LeSabre of logic.)

These are the people whose lives he touched. Presumably. All of them bemoaning the “tragedy” and the “why god why” of a relatively young (36) starfucker cut down in his prime, by his own failure to do correct maths while drugging himself up.

Nowhere in this outpouring of shallowness is there a single twit (they liked to be called this) pointing out that suicide is the selfish chickenshit’s way out. Or that he was only batting .500 against life’s tough pitching, having failed to make a gun do the only thing it’s supposed to do in his first attempt. Or that he died committing a crime* and, therefore, deserves no more eulogizing that the thug who gets killed holding up a liquor store.

*We can debate the stupidity of the Drug War elsewhere, perhaps in the comment thread, but at this point, drug possession and use are illegal. And usually treated more seriously than liquor store holdups.

Unfortunately for DJ AM, the NCAA is posthumously stripping him of this key victory over the odds.

Unfortunately for DJ AM, the NCAA is posthumously stripping him of this key victory over the odds.

And now they’re going to do an autopsy? What the fuck for? Looks pretty open and shut to me. Lifelong drug abuser dies surrounded by drugs, having used his last moments to use drugs. Previous suicide attempt on the rap sheet.

Why? Can’t be the parents. Apparently, Daddy AM was an abusive asshole who is currently dead. Mommy AM sent him to rehab, so she may have a stake in this.

His friends? God help me, I really want to put the largest set of quotes ever made around that word. Friends. Nothing but a bunch of ready-made has-beens clinging to each other in the hopes that somehow they’ll matter, at least to themselves. The fuck do they care? They’ll move on. Their memories are as short as their careers and as lasting as their talent.

Maybe they’ll start a memorial fund, dropping cocaine-tainted $100’s into a lockbox from some teen rehab facility. Maybe not.

Is someone out there hoping the toxicology report will somehow turn the c-list sinner into a saint? A martyr for the privileged starfucker way of life? That he somehow OD’ed on “life”?

In a (very) brief memoriam, let’s take a look at DJ AM’s contribution to the music world:

  • Crazy Town – The Gift of Game
  • DJ AM & Travis Barker – Fix Your Face (Vol. 1)
  • DJ AM & Travis Barker – Fix Your Face (Vol. 2)

One album with a one-hit wonder and two compilation albums that were apparently released by his label, Street Corner Trunk Sales. No wonder he was beloved by fans of music and DJs alike.

R.I.P. DJ AM. The light that burns half as bright gets extinguished by the slightest breeze.

-CLT

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Lou Dobbs: Shitty Employee

August 6, 2009
A general note:
I am in the process of quitting smoking. I was prepared for the withdrawal symptoms of restlessness and homicidal urges. What caught me completely unaware was the sluggishness. My brain only feels about half awake most of the time. The rest of the time it only thinks of cigarettes.
My brain apparently needs 15-20 solid hits of nicotine a day to get all of the synapses firing. I’m trying to power thru it, but I think my writing may be a bit off.
You may pick up on this. Feel free to say so in the comment box. Something like, “CLT was more clever/insightful/of an asshole when he was still smoking.” I won’t go back to smoking, if for no other reason than I’d rather not crowdsource my addictions. But I feel your pain.
I felt the same way back in the mid-90’s when I heard one of my favorite bands (Skinny Puppy) has kicked their collective smack habit. I thought, “Jesus, the new album is going to suck.” (It did.)
Without further ado, some smoke-free words about Lou Dobbs, CNN, journalism and capitalism.
Lou Dobbs rests on his laurels; touches self

Lou Dobbs rests on his laurels; touches self

Lots of general cacophony over at CNN and around the news arena as Lou Dobbs continues to patronize the “birthers,” a fringe group whole sole purpose in life is to prove that our President was not born in the U.S.

When I use the word “patronize,” I obviously don’t mean like I patronize Nickelback fans. This would be more like I patronize X Record Store because they make it a point to never, ever stock any Nickelback.

Lou Dobbs, 30 years in the cable news business, seems to have reached that point that nearly every employee does late in their career: the “fuck ’em, I’ll do it my way” stage. Most people with a lifetime of experience in one field seem to reach this point eventually. (Government employees reach this state of maturity in as little as 90 days.) As the world around them continues to change, they become a drag on the company, throwing their seniority around and generally behaving like entitled jackasses.

I’ve run into it in the retail field. Times are tight. Budgets are being cut. People are being cross-trained to help out wherever needed. But not the legacy acts. Those who have been with the company for years have decided that they only need to do the same job they’ve always done, and because of their seniority, should be allowed to put in less effort.

CNN is a company. A private cable channel that happens to broadcast news. Should they be held to a different standard than TNT, USA or Spike? They’ve set themselves up to a higher standard by their selected field, but it doesn’t mean they’re immune to market forces. Failing shows get cut out of the schedule all the time.

Should Dobbs be immune? He’s lost 15% of his viewers in the last year. His “birther” horse-corpse beating was labelled as “dead” by his boss. But he refuses to change. He feels entitled to handle it his way. Instead of helping out his struggling network, he’d rather bring it down from the inside with his misplaced superiority.

"Yellow Tie Night" down 38% in the 25-40 demographic

"Yellow Tie Night" down 38% in the 25-40 demographic

CNN certainly isn’t helping their case. They’ve turned into the worst kind of H.R. rep: the ineffectual busybody. They claim to support him. They try to block critical ads. They need to man up and cut the fucker loose. They’re a few bad moments away from third place behind FOX and MSNBC.

Companies with amazing reputations and the best intentions make these moves when times are tough, from Zappos selling to Amazon or Google dropping the free hot coffee and sensual massages at headquarters.

If he wants to do it his way, he can start punching his own timeclock. FOX says they want him. Let him go. He’ll fit right in with the overexcitable paranoiacs who are all about presenting the “FAIR” and “BALANCED” viewpoint.

I have no sympathy for Dobbs, whose urge to continue slumming it on the “high road” is becoming an embarrassment for everyone around him. I can hardly sympathize with CNN either, because of their unwillingness to make the correct decision. If Lou manages to hold onto his position, it will only encourage others like him to push as many buttons as they can. He’ll just stick around, making the rest of the team uncomfortable with his outdated jokes and weak bladder.

This kind of dustup is just another nail in journalism’s coffin. Newspaper and magazines are folding. TV news is having a hard time gaining viewers. Blogs and independent websites will fill in this gap without the baggage of having to be profitable. The world is quickly learning that you don’t need a degree to report the news.

All of the news networks act like they only want to bring you the best news from only the most qualified anchors, but they’d staff it with feces-hurling monkeys critiquing the latest “Girls Gone Wild” video if they thought they’d get a permanent net gain in viewers.

Let me just make something perfectly clear: I could give a fuck if Dobbs talks to “birthers” all day long or does nothing but show Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contests. I honestly do not care if his integrity is unassailable and he’s got God in his hip pocket. Run your business like you mean it, CNN. His ratings are dying. Cut him loose.

-CLT

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Profiles in Uselessness: The Bible Thumper

July 23, 2009
Call this number now for prime real estate in heaven!

Call this number now for prime real estate in heaven!

The nemesis of normal people everywhere: the Bible Thumper. Well-versed (no pun intended, I think; or if you think it’s clever enough, then why the hell not…) in the parts they like of the Holy Bible, these do-gooders scour the world clean of any offensiveness, intended or not.

“Do-gooders” is actually a misnomer. These people tend to be more self-interested than many of the people they despise. They have somehow turned their knowledge of good and evil into a holier-than-thou weapon, to be wielded at the slightest provocation.

Someone said, “The eyes are the window to the soul.” (I think it was Malcolm X.) In the case of these freaks, their eyes are the window to your soul, every deep black sinful inch of it. You may come across one in their native habitat (church entryway, Bible bookstore, abortion protest) and even find them personable and cheery.

But step across that line inadvertently (and unless you’re a complete asshole, it will happen and it will be inadvertent) and the gates of holy judgement will slam shut, sealing you out and packing you neatly away into the overcrowded “Sinner” compartment. Once you’re in there, there is no coming back out, no matter how persuasive your arguments. YOU. ARE. WRONG.

Fortunately, these “Godlike” people tend to be human beings, and as such are hypocritical, deceitful, misguided and petty as any of us. Perhaps more so, since they suffer the delusion of being “chosen by God,” something that doesn’t hamstring the rest of us.

They also make lousy employees.

Good girls go to heaven. Amy Grant gets a Hollywood star. See you in hell, baby.

Good girls go to heaven. Amy Grant gets a Hollywood star. See you in hell, baby.

Former employers:

  • Hyvee Grocery Stores – Customer asked for location of Boca Burgers. X replied with, “Did you check the ‘fag’ section?”
  • Super 8 Motels – Demanded valid ID from any registering couples to ensure they were properly married, etc. “in God’s eyes.” Repeatedly disabling in-room movie service.
  • 7-11 Convenience Stores – Verbally assaulted Rainbo Breads delivery driver, raising questions about his sexual preference and insinuating that his truck was filled with young boys rather than delicious breads and pastries.
  • OfficeMax – Seemed to work fine, but we were all sick of her constant stories about whatever had offended her on TV the night before, told repeatedly and in clinical detail.
  • Omaha Zoo – Happened across two tapirs in mid-intercourse and stormed out, throwing Jack Chick tracts everywhere.
  • ACLU – Have we just stopped screening applicants altogether? What the fucking fuck?!?
  • The Good Bookery Christian Bookstore – Refused to stock or promoted “whore of Babylon” Amy Grant’s latest album; constant referral to “plain English” NIV translation as the “work of Satan.”
  • The Gap – Constant referral to our intricate shirt-folding instructions as “unnatural” and the “work of Satan;” also frequently commented on the “ungodly music” issued by our Gap radio network.
  • Gamestop – Kept taking all copies of Grand Theft Auto to the lockup behind the counter or out to the dumpster to burn, despite constant reminders that a.) she did not work here and b.) the police were on their way. Her response was, “Oh. Now you think law enforcement is ‘cool.’ We’ll discuss your open-world scenarios and prostitute beating with them.”
  • Make a Wish Foundation – Told child, “What horrible sin did you commit to earn your terminal illness? Stop crying, tears won’t cure brain cancer any more than wishing. What you need is prayer, God’s placebo.”

One of the way these Bible Thumpers display their “good works” is by joining various causes, forwarding chain letters and signing various petitions. Too secure in their own righteousness to be bothered by human compassion, facts or even spelling, the Thumpers take the road heavily travelled, paved with smug ignorance.

In their own way much like their polar opposite, the Wiccan liberal nature-worshipper, in that they both have better ideas on how everyone else should live their lives, where they should shop and go to school and what time they should all be in bed. These bi-polar twins also have something against sex, protected or otherwise. On one hand: it’s a sin. On the other: it’s breeding more earth-killing humans.

One Disney employee down, several thousand to go...

One Disney employee down, several thousand to go...

Here’s a brief look at what’s troubling the inboxes of bleeding-stigmata holy rollers these days:

Outrages/Protests/Petitions/Concerns/Chain Letters:

  • Harry Potter – Portrayal of magic, facial scars as acceptable to children.
  • Herbal Essence ads – Depiction of female orgasm as normal, enjoyable and even possible without outside assistance.
  • Dancing with the Stars – Female contestants dresses are too short – in both places. Some male stars sporting noticeable “bulges.”
  • WordPress.com – Host of several “questionable” blogs that traffic in, among other things:
    Wanton elevator-related lust
    Questioning of Ms. California’s purity
    Positive portrayal of convicted felons
    Depiction of roosters as capable of asexual reproduction
    Besmirching Rachel Ray’s purity; hosting weeklong slideshows
    Attempting to “talk” away the wages of sin through the pseudoscience of psychoanalysis
    Recommending alcohol usage; frequently taking the Lord’s name in vain
    Positive portrayal of non-Christian published writers
    Mocking suicide victims, which, although it is an affront to God, is still kind of awful and tasteless.
  • Obama’s Stimulus Plan – In my opinion, no one needs to be “stimulated.” It leads to diabetes, blindness and state-ordained genocide.
  • Hybrid vehicles – If God didn’t want us to use fossil fuels, He wouldn’t have killed off all the dinosaurs hundred of years ago.
  • Sick of dealing with arguments about the Bible’s many inconsistencies and contradictions? God made us in His image. Let’s return the favor by rewriting His book in ours.
  • RSS Feed for food-related miracles – Up for auction now:
    – Virgin Mary (tortilla)
    – Jesus (grilled cheese on wheat)
    – Billy Graham (Reuben on rye)
    – Mother Theresa (Gogurt spill)
    – Calvin pissing on Bhudda (Spicy Nacho Dorito)
  • Kellogg’s Corn Flakes – No longer the great anti-masturbatorial aid it once was.
  • World of Warcraft – More like World of Witchcraft, am I right, parents?
  • The Weather Channel – 10-day forecast: harmless projection or dangerous divination?
  • Petition to remove World Book Encyclopedias from the elementary school library – reasons listed:
    – References to the occult (O-Or) and satanism (S-Sl)
    – Information on other religions
    – Graphic depictions of the human reproductive system
    – Evolution portrayed as science
    – No references to the coming apocalypse
    – Everyone’s using Wikipedia anyway; we could stock the empty shelf space with all 28 volumes of Strong’s Concordance to the Bible
  • Letter to president of Believers In God’s Own Truth
  • Bring back the Hays Code!
  • Christmas – A time of family togetherness or a bacchanal of pagan rituals? December 25th wasn’t even Jesus’ birthday as the Jewish calendar wasn’t fully formed until the law firm of Lowestein, Schobel and Witz put one out towards the end of 1781.
  • Chain mail recipient and forwarder of any diatribe on these subjects:
    – Homosexuality
    – The ACLU doing anything about anything
    – Any “evidence” of a “one-world government”
    – Bring back 7th Heaven
    – Things not being the way they used to be
    – Prayer chain of healing for Martha Swinson, who just discovered a possible tumor
    – Prayer chain of thanks for Martha Swinson’s tumor, which just turned out to be part of a malformed underwire bra
    – Prayer chain of guidance for Martha Swinson’s search for another, more competent doctor
    – Good Lord, look what Disney’s done now
    – Chain letter informing recipients that, due to recent economic slowdown, all chain letter generation and forwarding is now being outsourced

Now here’s what troubles me the most. The hypocrisy.

I can hate on anyone I want, if for no other reason, than I am not fronting for God or claiming to be more enlightened (I’m looking at you, White Male Protester). However, generally speaking, I am not a hateful person.

There’s a lot out there that will earn my disdain, but not a lot that will make me forget the human that lurks under every hated category. This is what seems to be missing from both sides of this. The contempt shown for their fellow human beings is unforgivable. And to act on this contempt, while propping yourself up on the Bible or white guilt, is despicable.

Let people live their lives. If they are not actively harming you or other around you, who gives a goddamn what the hell they do. If they want to watch someone turn the story of Christ into a metaphor for AIDS, who fucking cares? If they want to eat hybrid corn with their caged-up steak because it’s cheap and plentiful, shut the fuck up and get out of their kitchen.

It’s the point when your beliefs encroach on mine, usually through some groundswell movement that smacks the butterfly, whose flapping wings excite the air around the nearest Congressman facing a tough re-election battle, that I start getting pissed.

My life: here. Your life: there. You want to spend every Sunday in church praying for my soul, so be it. You want to take my favorite show off the air because you can’t find the fucking off switch on your own television, fuck you.

The Golden Rule: mind your own business.

-CLT