Archive for the ‘Drinking’ Category

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Fancy Plans Guide to Wisconsin

July 7, 2009

Pull up a chair, netizens. Time to fill your head with facts that you were too bored to learn at school. In an effort to put the fun back in information, we have made up this new word: Funformation! The exclamation point always makes us giddy, deep in our girl parts.

Enough pointless rambling. It’s time to get down to the pointless facts. The Official Fancy Plans Guide to Wisconsin.

Wisconsin
From the Algonquin word Ouisconsin, meaning “Kegger By the River,” Wisconsin is known mainly for its two chief industries: producing beer and purchasing beer. Escorted to the border and tossed out by clean living Canadians, Wisconsin is the “prodigal” Canuck state which will never be allowed back into the Great White North, not even if the Queen Mother weakens during her later years.

Other states have tried interventions to limited success, the most recent being Michigan’s, which was spurned with, “Who the fuck are you preaching to, asshole? You don’t even have a job!”

Misleading Chamber of Commerce pamphlets and trade magazines will point to burgeoning cheese and agriculture industries as a way of distracting the average tourist from the sight and smell of the general population, which is usually in an advanced state of hangover. Competing hotels will even go so far as to leave Tillamook Cheddar on your bed pillows at night.

Another Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce meeting commences

Another Milwaukee Chamber of Commerce meeting commences

Major Cities
Milwaukee, the enabler of the state (and states around it; I’m looking at you, Minnesota) was built by German settlers looking for a place to produce beer, their homeland’s favorite beverage (outstripping Dr. Pfefferschnausenn nearly 3-to-1). These hardy Germans began cranking out medium-to-low quality lagers beginning in the mid-1850’s and still continue to this day with no discernible uptick in excellence.

Milwaukee’s breweries have given the world (mainly the Midwest) such beers as Pabst, Blatz, Schlitz, Old Milwaukee and the triumphantly named, Milwaukee’s Best. A careful perusal of the beer labels early in the night will reveal ribbons for various “Best in Show” designations, usually awarded by drunken local judges. Tour guides at the multitude of breweries will be sure to point this fact out, several times as well as reminding you that bottled water is for “fags.”

Local watering holes include: The Drunken Rant, The Elliptical Argument, The Whitest Place on Earth, Open at 7 AM, DUI’s Tavern (“Within Walking Distance of Anywhere that Matters!”), The Rolling Blackout and college favorite, Tipsy McDateRape’s.

Sports
Wisconsin is proud to host three major sports teams: the Green Bay Packers, the Milwaukee Brewers and the Milwaukee Bucks. As you may have noticed, two of the three teams are named after professions, as is the workmanlike professionalism of the local binge-drinkers. Former team names include the Assemblers, the Caretakers, the Meter Readers and the Sandwich Artists.

Bud Selig gives an attractive sportscaster the "look"

Bud Selig gives an attractive sportscaster the "look"

Milwaukee Brewers
The Milwaukee Brewers, Wisconsin’s entry into the major leagues, are owned by baseball’s interim commissioner-for-life, Bud Selig, who moved his team from the American League to the National League in the dead of night, hoping to find a weak NL Central that would allow his generally sub-.500 team to stumble into a wildcard playoff spot.

Selig and his team have not been successful in that respect, possibly due to drunken players and managers. Selig has, however, endeared himself to millions of baseball fans by raising serious conflict-of-interest questions and allowing All Star games to end in ties. Selig’s detractors refer constantly to his Janet Reno-esque looks and his near-constant BAC level of 0.12%.

Another wasted Packer passes out in the end zone

Another wasted Packer passes out in the end zone

Green Bay Packers
As the NFL’s only publicly-owned team, the Packers enjoy sellout after sellout due to the misconception that alcohol in the bloodstream raises body temperature. Attending a home game can be a daunting experience for an outsider, as the game itself is only tangentially related to the 8 annual meetings of the half-undressed, half-body painted team owners.

God help you if you manage to purchase an endzone seat and are called upon to help an intoxicated and winded Packer to his feet after a rare touchdown. While colorfully referred to as the “Lambeau Leap,” it really has about as much to do with acrobatics as my acid-addled crawl across the carpet has to do with my “dropped contact.”

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot fakes another injury to avoid embarrassment out on the court

The Milwaukee Bucks mascot fakes another injury to avoid embarrassment out on the court

Milwaukee Bucks
The Bucks are a relatively uninteresting NBA franchise, whose collection of white locals who can’t jump are an embarrassment to a town that’s pretty hard to embarrass. Especially after this past New Years, when Milwaukee was caught pissing into Lake Michigan, just slightly after it drove its Neon into Iowa’s cornfields.

The Bucks enjoy competitive games with their Midwestern rivals including the Vancouver Grizzlies, the Minneapolis Lakers and the Dinkytown Fighting Whiteys.

Drunk as fuck

Drunk as fuck

Famous Citzens
No discussion of Wisconsin would be complete without a mention of their most famous inhabitants, Laverne De Fazio and Shirley Feeney. These drunken and promiscuous roommates moved to Milwaukee during the Great Beer Rush of 1959 and were acquaintances of Arthur Fonzarelli, a young hoodlum who terrorized Arnold’s Drive-In with his leather jacket, boyish good looks and constant physical abuse of Arnold’s jukebox.

Miller: High on Life

Miller: High on Life

Quick Facts

State Bird– Scarlet Crested Combover (not to be confused with New York state bird, the Sean Puffy Combover)
State Haircut – the Trucker Hat
State Slogan – Happy Hour 5-9 PM! Kids drink free!
Soup of the Day – Cheese
State Flower – The, uh… hop
State Song – (Who Hasn’t Been) On Wisconsin!

-CLT

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A Day in the Life of a Journalist

June 23, 2009
Hammering out yet another groundbreaking expose of school lunch menus...

Hammering out yet another groundbreaking expose of school lunch menus...

We’ve taken a look at the average blogger’s average day. Now let’s head over the educated half (degrees and such) and see how they live.

Over a breakfast of egg white-only omelets and Wild Turkey, peruse competing newspapers; Google self.

Board the subway. Crank iPod up to listen to John Sturm’s latest podcast dealing with the Internet’s lack of reliable reporting. Surreptitiously check self for irony.

Enter office. Tell Maureen Dowd you think she’s lost some weight. She growls and takes a drunken swing at you. Note to self: Should probably double-check your sources.

The reporter's best friend... except in "Naked Lunch"

The reporter's best friend... except in "Naked Lunch"

Gaze thoughtfully at your typewriter, admiring its ruthless efficiency and clean lines. Leave a note for the cleaning crew to have it dusted.

Fire up computer. Peruse email.

  • Latest LOLCAT
  • From the County Sheriff’s Dept. – Congratulations! You’ve just been served!
  • University of Phoenix Online – Stuck with the wrong degree?
  • все представить

Do some more “research” on this fascinating Ms. California. Set office IM to Do Not Disturb – “Researching”.

Head for local pub for more “research.” Tell yourself it’s important to touch base with the common man. Even (or perhaps, especially) if “Conspiracy Gary” is the only common man drinking this early.

Head to public library. Use their IP to edit your Wikipedia page.

Duck into Bacharach and see if Phil Alper can recommend a more “journalistic” fedora.

Check in with the boss and ask him if the paper’s website paywall is turning a profit. Dodge obscenities and empty whiskey bottles.

Start up a blog as an outlet for all the stories (see below) the boss wouldn’t let you run. Once again, run self-check for irony. Clean!

Prepare “Apples vs. Oranges” talking points for “Free is Not a Business Model” presentation.

Affect a general knowledge of passing trends while writing a vicious takedown on Crocs and the people who wear them.

Make some calls to verify whether or not high school renovations are actually on schedule.

Check on the paper’s latest “revenue stream.” Google “Google+Newspaper+Sue.” Again, nothing on the irony meter.

Get interns started on new poll: The Internet: Stupid or Worthless?

Head to lunch. Admire the restraint of those who can hold a “three martini lunch” to just three martinis.

Admire your diploma. Note that is has not one, but two, typos. Curse loudly.

Regret not going into the family business: topping and blocking hats.

Consider a career change. What business would benefit most from your misplaced superiority and your ability to ask inappropriate questions at awkward times? Telemarketing? Loan officer? STD Clinic?

Three Pulitzer Prizes and counting...

Three Pulitzer Prizes and counting...

Prepare emergency kit of hard liquor, painkillers and ego-salve prior to upcoming interviews with author Harlan Ellison, singer Lou Reed and musician Billy Bob Thornton.

Look over draft of “Obama & Family Dine at Sardi’s”. Notes from your editor – “Needs 20% more puff. And try to smile while you write this. People can tell.”

Check match.com for hits. Consider changing introduction paragraph which currently describes you as, “…a medium fish in a swiftly draining pond.”

Leave a biting comment on HuffPo: “Every time you get your news from a website, you’re taking food out of my kids’ mouths. Especially now that the state is directly garnishing my paychecks.”

Holy shit! Britney Spears dead! No time to verify sources! Jam it on the paper’s site and start hammering out the 1200-word obituary. Resist the urge to yell, “Stop the press!”

Head over to digg.com and play Grammar Nazi for an hour or so.

Write a post on your blog mocking the general waste of time most blogs are. Note to self: irony tester may be broken…

Spend 30 minutes or so perfecting your “run to row of phone booths” maneuver, just in case. Note to self: Need to improve “world weary reporter” look. Tends to resemble “disheveled and slightly drunk” instead. Perhaps the new fedora will help.

Try your “world weary” look on the ladies down at the bar. Mix it up with phrases like, “I’ve seen too much pain and suffering,” and “The important part is to stay objective, no matter how horrifying it is.” Be sure to gloss over that your main duties are high school sports coverage and the “Weekend Living” pullout.

Put the newspaper (and yourself) to bed at 1 a.m., secure in the knowledge that the important shit will wait until you wake up.

-CLT