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Unpublished Correspondence V2

May 6, 2011

Sneak past my spam filter, will you? Brace yourself for an onslaught of wordiness which contains none of that important personal information you’re barely trying to capture.

Your email just W o n £ 850,000 UK Pounds in our on-going 11th Anniversary PROMO!!!

YOUR DETAILS: L u c k y # : 12-12-23-35-40-41(12),
T i c k e t # : 00869575733664,
C G P N : 7-22-71-00-66-12.

For more information Contact: Email: mrgrahambenfield_101@hotmail.com
Agent: MR GRAHAMS BENFIELD. On behalf of staffs felicitate with you!!
MRS. ANGELO COLLETTA (Promo Announcer)

————————————————————————

NOTE: Do not reply this mail, send your correspondnence to Mr Grahams as instructed.

….

Dear Mr. Grahams Benfield –

Thanks for alerting me to this promotion. I’m not too sure what the prize is but I would love to have your staffs felicitate this. Unless your UK pounds are significantly different than our American pounds, I’m going to need a lot of help hauling these 850,000 pounds to my apartment. I may also need to obtain a storage unit as I’m not sure if 850,000 pounds of anything would all fit in my apartment.

Of course, math never was my strongest subject. I suppose after conversion this prize would weigh something more manageable, but I still think I’d better take advantage of your staffs.

Not that this is important or anything, but when did you “blokes” (I hope I’m using that correctly) ditch the metric system? I didn’t read anything about it online, but I spend most of my time cruising baseball stat sites or leaving mocking comments on various Gawker blogs. All I have to say is: it’s about time. We both speak English, so why shouldn’t we be able to do a 1-1 weight conversion? It’s bad enough that I have to Google up a calculator every time I buy an import album on eBay.

Which raises another question: are you or are you not using the Euro? If not, “bully” for you! (Again, I hope I’m saying that right.) No good can come of a single currency. Prominent conspiracy theorists  have indicated that it could very well bring about the Apocalypse, and I don’t know about you but I still got some livin’ to do! Some livin’ with my new collection of … things… that weigh a lot!

Looking forward to hearing from you. Please let me know how many staffs will be available to felicitate this move. Please keep the number of women and children to a minimum. This sounds like a lot of lifting and I can’t be slowed down by people unable to keep up with me and my roommates and your guys.

If you must send women/children, please make sure that they can lift a minimum of 20 pounds, in accordance with my handwritten EOE compliance form. Please also have several copies of your most bulletproof waiver forms on hand for those who think they might become repeatedly injured during this move.

Sincerely,
CLT

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6 comments

  1. This is hilarious! I’ve never seen a post like it, a hypothetical response to a spammer, it’s original and ingenious!


  2. I wanted to laugh at this brilliant epistolary fun, and I did, especially at your avant’ guard use of ‘blokes’ and ‘bully’ but I also shit my pants more than a wee bit. There’s something that I think you should know. I hit the lotto a year ago. My winning numbers? 12-12-23-35-40-41. That in itself wouldn’t be too coincidental, I don’t think(?) (Math was never my strong suit either) but I won 12 dollars. That’s the kicker, idn’t it?

    That money has brought me nothing but pain, misery and what I suspect was a bad case of food poisoning from the dollar menu at the local Taco Bell. Although it could have also been a bad ($5) piece of street ass.

    Stay away from those numbers CLT, stay the fuck away!


    • Scott Z. (I need to differentiate now),

      I’m sorry to hear that my dangerously one-sided fun may have inadvertently resulted in you soiling yourself. Believe me when I say that this is the last thing I wanted to happen. (To me, anyway. It’s a little easier to take when it’s you.)

      I think the biggest coincidence (besides the unrelated “street ass” we both had a piece of) is the multiple “12s” within the lottery number. I think the odds of that happening are well over a zillion-to-one.

      Don’t worry, Scott. I am staying safely the fuck away from both the 12s and the street ass.


  3. Wonderful (hilarious!!) post Capitalist!! I would write more, but am moving this week. You still da man!

    P.S. Because of your earlier post, I have started to respond to craigslist scammers (who respond to my posts) with the address of the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Dept…Fraud Detail in which to mail their ‘payment’ (which ALWAYS includes a promised over-payment).


    • Thanks, elizabeth. I’m glad I still sort of have it, even if these responses head into the spammer’s spam folders (oh, the irony).

      P.S. Good work. That should allow you to thin the scammer herd. Within a few years, you should only be hassled by the scammers who are smart enough to not immediately incriminate themselves.



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