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Unpublished Correspondence V1

April 14, 2011
Let’s face it. My spam blog is dead. I keep the link up under “The Side Projects” as a taunting reminder of all the dreams I’ve killed off with my lack of focus, time or ideas. At least I had the stones to publicly retire Blow by Blow. And Clifton L. Tanager is just kind of twisting in the wind.
(Oh, by the way, I do have something I’m still writing for. Check out “You, Only Awesomer!” I’m doing business as “Thomas Massey.”)
So, rather than just cross-posting or anything productive like that, I’m going to start posting my one-way conversations with my inbox refugees. (I will, of course, be cybersquatting on the tasty penis joke URL.) The spam-crafted pen is unofficially retired. Vive le spam!

Hi there,

My name is Michael

No Matter what you are selling – Hit-Booster will send targeted visitors to your website!

Within 15 minutes you will have your own website traffic generator that will bring in an ever increasing amount of hits to your websites! Automatically

This software is perfect for bringing real traffic to your site… even if… it’s an affiliate link where you have no control over the website content!

Michael –

Thanks for showing an interest in improving my business, which is still very much in its formative stages. In fact, it’s so formative as to not exist. However, l would like to not disappoint either of us at this early juncture. I have an existing blog that could use some more hits and from which I hope to springboard into a sales career.

Quick question, Michael: Do you happen to own any videoconferencing software? If so, I’d like your permission to borrow it. I don’t have a business plan per se, but would love the chance to connect with like-minded customers of yours and sort of “spitball” ideas until I come up with one.

Do you have any idea what the optimal setup for video spitballing is? I’d like to be able to see enough of the other people to be able to monitor body language and such while also being sufficiently far back as to avoid most of the spitballs.

I can’t be too far back, though. I’ll still need to clearly see the others’ eyes in case we decide to take a different angle and approach this exciting new Web 2.0 paradigm through a few rounds of Texas Hold’Em.

Also, (again, assuming you have this videoconferencing equipment, which I would assume you would, considering you seem pretty “on the ball” webwise, not to mention very “email savvy”) would it be possible to view other conference members in rotational 360-degree views? I would like to rule out any of those members who look better from the back than the front as well as those who kinda “look good from a distance.” I have a pretty busy schedule these days and I don’t want to waste valuable time cyberstalking someone who looks great from behind at a distance of 10 feet or greater.

Thanks in advance for the use of your equipment. I will have my secretary forward you the needed information as soon as he or she is hired.

I’m afraid I won’t be needing your Hit-Booster service, however. I’m a little concerned with the last paragraph and its mysterious use of ellipses and exclamation points. Usually the ellipsis would be used to build anticipation rather than making the sentence sound like a horrible bait-and-switch. I’m sure it’s just a typo but it does make me wonder who would be in the market for affiliate linking where they “have no control over the website content.” I’m sure any up and coming entrepreneur would be thrilled to show potential clients a custom website loaded with affiliate links to sketchy foreign porn sites and counterfeit iPod knockoff sales.

Sincerely,

CLT

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8 comments

  1. I have two items in my junk folders: a coupon code for Touch of Oranges and an e-mail from Mayors Against Illegal Guns (I must have subscribed to both at one time). I think spam is going the way of dial-up, Cap (which would explain the museum). Please give my personal regards to Clifton. As I recall, he excused himself a while back to take a whiz and that is the last I heard from him. Between his hypertrophied prostate and my own hyperactive bladder, I always felt a special kinship with Clifton. I anticipate his return!


    • Spam may be going the way of dial-up, but just like Grandma’s insistence that she doesn’t need anything faster to check her “emails” and catch the news via AOL, it isn’t going away fast enough.

      My rule of thumb is: if it makes its way past the spam filter, I’ll generally send a response. Their rule of thumb is: never respond back. What a bunch of pussies.

      Once again, I’ll make a vague promise about getting Clifton back on his feet. I keep running into that “time vs. things I want to do with it” issue.


  2. That sight is, well, awesome so congrats! I didn’t even know that you had a Spam blog. Now that I’m back in the land of the freely prescribed opiate, it’s harder keep up with things. I’m trying to write, at least a little every day again but I often forget to do other stuff, like sleep or defecate. I figure I’ll have plenty of time for those activities once these bad boys run out.

    Let me know if you get to borrow that video conferencing thingy. We could, do something cool. Hire a secretary or something!


    • Well, take your time going through what is presumably a handful of posts. The amazing thing about building a spam-oriented site is that it draws a ton of spam. I’m tempted to approve everything sitting in the holding cell, but I think that may lead to the blog being shut down.

      It’s a real shame that there’s not more of this “time” to go around. All these great ideas that never get followed through on. Like getting Clifton back on his feet…

      I will keep you posted on the videoconferencing thingy. No doubt patents are still pending on the thingy as well as on “The Improper Use of Ellipsis Marks…For Random Statements!”


  3. Wait a minute…when…did…you…get…a…secretary!!!???

    (See how I built the anticipation?)


    • TL,

      I love the way you built the anticipation. It’s almost like that song…from the Rocky Horror Picture Show!

      You should totally get into the spam business. I’m not sure how random punctuation = $$$, but judging by the amount of spam I get, I can only imagine it must be in the millions.


  4. I don’t respond to Spam, just phishing scams.

    I recently traded about 20 emails with a terminally 82-year old woman wanting me to manage her estate. She wanted me to send her some identification documents and was understanding at first when I inadvertently sent the cover of my passport instead of the inside page – but lost patience as I progressed from an old business card to expired library card to Buck Rogers Space Rangers Membership Card to Nigerian passport cover. As I told her, I believe they are all recognized by most levels of government. Clearly I have too much time on my hands.

    Tell Clifton to drop me a line sometime. The internet needs him.

    All the best,

    Don


    • Don –

      First of all, it’s a pleasure to see you. I’m glad there’s someone else out there who:

      a.) marginalizes the youth of today and
      b.) spends their free time attempting to engage spammers in conversation.

      You’d think they’d be a talkative bunch, what with their multiple mailings on the same subject and endless stories about how they (or somebody they know) died in a plane crash or worked their way up to middle-management at an offshore financial institution or all of the above.

      I’m glad you kept stringing this 82-year-old along, Don. The incompetence of the phishing can only correctly be parried with deliberate incompetence on the part of the phishee.

      I will kick Clifton right in his non-productive, rapidly aging ass for you, Don. He could certainly try to be a little more sociable.



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