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Rescued from the Cutting Room Floor: The Best Previously Unpublished Charlie Sheen Quotes

March 8, 2011

Charlie Sheen prepares for an early morning strafing run by summoning his cocaine-serving robot.

Due to the nature of the beast that is the white, powdery monkey on Charlie Sheen’s back, many of his interviews have been trimmed to fit the time allotted. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your level of fascination with this ongoing train wreck), this means that some of Sheen’s biggest proclamations have been excised in order to fit his self-absorbed ranting into an hour-long interview format.

The following is a brief selection of quotes that never made it to the airwaves due to time constraints or some sort of editorial concern over exactly how much “crazy” they were allowed to air uninterrupted. Enjoy.

  • “I’m currently crafting a trained army of attack falcons… well, more of an air force, really…”
  • “Gary Busey? Jake Busey? Winners! Third book of the Necronomicon being written now by these gnarlingtons.”
  • “I sleep only 40 minutes a night, serenaded by air raid sirens and Norwegian black metal.”
  • “Those of us who are actually still rad are still using ‘rad’ all the time. A new wave of BMX destruction is at hand, all before you get your fuckin’ Venti whatever, yuppie.”
  • “TZ [Todd Zeile] and I have spent the last four nights cock-blocking down at the Chicken Ranch because we are insatiable and our waters run deep, my friend.”
  • “We’re also druid shadow priests. Chaotic neutral. No alignment. Take that however you will.”
  • “[Jon] Cryer is buckwheat pancakes with oat bran seasoning. He’s like Jiminy Cricket crossed with John Harvey Kellogg. I’m not sure he’s ever produced semen in his life.”
  • “It’s not a mixtape without Sister Christian. Write that shit down, Alan. Gospel.”
  • “While doing Shaolin monk training with Keith Carradine in Tenochtitlan, Mexico, we ate Alfonso Ribeiro’s heart. A warning: don’t bet on bullfights. You can’t beat the locals.”
  • “Blowing money on coke and hookers is nothing. You aren’t really spending money until you’re ordering Kharma speakers online at 3 am.”
  • “As far as I’m concerned, the only legitimate president we’ve had in the past 600 years was Thor, or as he was born, Nikolai Tesla.”
  • “Do you what makes me absolutely histrionic, absolutely batshit crazy? Just coke, bro. Just this essence. It’s the rich man’s ‘white lightning,’ man. Without it, empires fall. Markets collapse. Human life is devalued. Santa dies.”
  • “I once had sex with seven women simultaneously. It was like Jesus with the five loaves and fish but instead it was with penises and tongues. When you’re winning, doors open for you and miracles are commonplace. Commonplace enough to be almost annoying.”
  • “[To a member of the studio staff] Your mom’s like Aleve, d-bag! All day strong, all day long! In the ass!”
  • “Two albums. Both with Mojo Nixon. Next year.”
  • “I’ve been certified as a nutritionist in 14 states. 40 minutes of sleep a night leaves you a lot of downtime. I maximize.”
  • “If I go down or CBS invalidates my contract, I’ve got a whole list of Hollywood people’s real names in my lawyer’s safe. Try me, Chaim. I have data. DOB. DNA maps. For real.”
  • “Scientologists have Jennifer Grey’s real nose. I traded it for their alchemy secrets.”

-CLT

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19 comments

  1. My absolute fave:

    “Your mom’s like Aleve, d-bag! All day strong, all day long! In the ass!”

    Like Howard Stern, I love bathroom humor, fart, and ‘mom’ jokes.

    Looks like Charlie is going to end up ‘Busied’ (or Busified) if he keeps up his full-blown mania schedule…and he will….for awhile.

    It’s going to be a very hard crash for Charlie. Quite fascinating when you think about it: society both enabling and exacerbating his mental decline and in such a PUBLIC and dramatic forum. Almost akin to the INSANE adulation heaped for decades onto Muammar Ga-‘Daffy’ (and other megalomaniacs) by sycophantic minions. Life can be weirder and more indecipherable than quantum mechanics.

    I can’t bring myself to follow a celebrity on Twitter, but I do admit to checking in several times a day for updates. I’m as fascinated/entertained as the next guy. Two #winning posts in a row, Cap.

    P.S. Howled at your “Verbal Self-Immolation” tag.


    • Thanks for the comment, elizabeth. I’m glad someone is reading the tags. I’m kind of partial to “Deviated Septum of the Mouth,” but that one probably will work better once Stevie Nicks starts spouting off somewhere in public.

      I have to admit that I find this new, uncapped Charlie Sheen fascinating. Whatever the hell it is that he’s talking about, I’m listening. I especially find it, I don’t know, “empowering”(?) that he’s embraced his drug habit. I find nothing more tiresome than the endless rehab sob stories of various celebrities. So he operates better with a full head of blow. So what?

      If he’s really mentally ill, I suppose that’s kind of tragic. But let’s put that in perspective. He’s incredibly rich and willing to satisfy all his urges. It’s not like it’s diminishing his quality of life.

      I say let it ride. #winning


  2. I admit I can’t turn away.

    I’ve also pre-ordered a copy of the third book of the Necronomicon, though promises that it ships with an autographed kilo and a discarded 25 year old porn star who has gotten “too fucking old to even be bothered with a strafing run, bra,” did contribute to my decision to purchase.


    • They need all those extras to keep people from wondering when their still-missing second book is going to arrive.

      Nothing distracts like hookers and blow. Just ask Charlie Sheen. Repeatedly. And enjoy the multiple answers.

      (Wow. 25 is now too old for even a pre-underwear strafing run. The porn world is even harsher than the NFL.)


  3. Why can’t Charlie get hotter porn chicks to live with him? You know, like Seka and Marilyn Chambers? Or maybe that ugly deep throat chick. (Ugly yet amazingly talented).


    • I think Charlie prefers his porn chicks not all old and used up. Or at least, not old. Under 25 seems to be preferable.

      Is “talented” the new euphemism for “ugly”? I suppose it sounds a little more believable than “great personality.” There’s just so many more options with “talented.” She could possibly do anything from origami (with her tongue!) to drywalling.


  4. Sheens last few tweets:

    #fastball; the global inferno that is me, is now as molten and focused as my afterburners.

    Curveball; Warlock edict; pain & devastation in Japan demands us all to dig deep & LOVE THEM VIOLENTLY Dogspeed my cadres of the Far East!

    #fastball; 101 and on the black. 50 cops in my home. they all left. I’m still here. WINNING? 24/7

    2,613,526 followers…oops…2,613,780…nah…2,613,795…


    • I’m troubled by the offer of being LOVED VIOLENTLY, even if it’s for a good cause.


    • 2,695,625 and climbing…almost 66,000 new Twitter follwers since I last commented 24 hours ago!!


    • Jesus. He’s well on his way to being more popular than Farmville. Quick! Someone monetize something!


    • 2,854,195 (or 240,000 more followers since I last checked in). Does anyone else wonder whether his shtick smacks of Andy Kaufman and his feigned mental illness? I submit:

      http://www.charliesheen.com/

      Haha! You all suffer from “Sheenish envy!”


  5. HAHAHA!!

    I’m with Elizabeth, the Aleve quote is the shizzle.

    I’m also partial to “Chaotic neutral”, “ordering kharma speakers” and “Jon Cryer’s substandard semen production”.

    Aw hell…they’re all Tiger Blood!


    • Thanks, bschooled. There’s seldom a prouder moment in a writer’s career than the successful deployment of a “your mom” joke. It only ranks slightly below being told your writing makes others vomit in amusement.


  6. Loverly…

    So, inspired by this crazy dude and your post about him, I went to history, which is always where I go when I’m wasted and looking for things to do…

    Anyway, once I got there, I dug up some previously unpublished quotes from the original Charlie Sheen.

    So here they are… Previously unpublished quotes from Caligula.

    I’m currently married to my sister, but I plan to leave her for a Nubian prostitute. But before I do, I think I’ll kill her. Oh what the fuck. I’ll kill them both! Hahahaha! It’s good to be emperor.

    Augustus? Tiberius? Emperors! And major winners. Funny story; did you Augustus was poisoned by his wife? Hahhahaha! Oh, and the capper – Tiberius was a child molester! Hahahahaha! Good times in ancient Rome. If you’re the emperor that is…

    I sleep only 40 minutes a night. Now some say there’s a connection to that and me making a horse a senator. You know what though? I execute those people who say such things. HA! Fuck it’s great to be me. Up next: Vestal virgin cows… Winner idea!

    I’m totally into crazy sexual erotic asphyxiation. Shit, I wish Rome had one neck so I could mother fucking sexually erotically asphyxiate it. Speaking of mother fuckers, is it incestuous in here or what?

    When it all comes down to it, life is about two simple truths: Rome wasn’t built in a day – and I defecate into solid gold pots. And so two simple truths means three cheers for me. Good ol’ Caligula. Seriously, give me three fucking cheers or I’ll have your ass executed to the lions.


    • Alan!

      What a pleasant surprise! (Even if the subject matter wasn’t.) There’s no doubt about it: Caligula was the proto-Charlie Sheen. Didn’t he have a long-running “Two and a Half Senators” playing at one of the amphitheaters? (Attendance mandatory.) I don’t remember who his co-star was (someone forgettable, no doubt) but the endless rotation of severed torsos playing the “half” was always interesting.

      I wonder if Charlie has a sister. If so, she might want to consider sequestering herself, possibly in a foreign country under an assumed name. It’s only a matter of time before his coke-fueled megalomania threatens her previously “incest-free” existence. Caligula did it. Tony Montana kept the tradition alive. And now it’s Charlie’s turn.

      Wonderful comment, Alan. Always great to see you.


  7. I was a fucking roadie on Mars, so I have to confess that Charlie is actually a rock star on Mars. Nice.


    • I had no idea, FJ. You’re like the man who fell to earth carrying multiple guitars. What made you get out of it? The general atmosphere (or lack thereof)?

      (It’s a science joke. They’re more fun to write than they are to read. Especially when multiple scientists insist on doing it by committee.)


  8. This was brilliant, as it should be. I was thinking of doing the exact same thing but didn’t want to interrupt my own cocaine binge/hiatus/move thing.

    The best two? Fuck, they’re all the best two. Anyone who has ever smoked pure blow amidst Sister Christian while licking and dicking 3 or 9 strippers/prostitutes can pretty much agree on the commonality/annoyingness of miracles though. For instance, after one decent hit of a dub I can make my dick virtually disappear. That shit will hide like a frightened turtle, no matter what else may be going on. True story.


    • Thanks, Scott. (And welcome back to the good old US of A, where everything is bigger and better and involves more lawyers.)

      Having not actually experiences anything that you and Charlie Sheen talk about, I have to do a bit of vicarious living, which in practice means wandering around being mildly aggressive, like a roid-raging MMA fighter with a lack of attention span.

      (I had no idea the dub would do that. Maybe hookers and porn stars love it because it means they won’t have to perform.)



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