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Searchfest! Vol. 1

December 13, 2010

An intermittent roundup of what people are actually looking for when they stumble across our homepage. (“How intermittent?” I hear you ask. [Presses “Mute”.])

(Note: those of you fearing for the future of the world after reading through this probably NSFW list should keep in mind that some of these searches are singular, so it’s probably just a loose confederation of perverts rather than some sort of worldwide breakdown in ethics/spelling.)
  • alien sex fiend
  • slint
  • rick james

[Can’t go wrong with these first three. We’ve always had a bit of a musical slant and to be the go-to source for ASF is a very fine thing indeed.]

  • hellfish hoax

[Cryptozoology: another one of our major endeavors. Apparently.]

  • velva sheen tee

[I blame RF for this. This and the worldwide popularity of soccer/football/futbol.]

  • black boy vintage

[With enough vintage, I would presume you kind of have to start referring to them as “men.”]

  • prepubescent

[Ted, knock it off. That’s a company computer.]

  • breech presentation

[We do know pregnancy, esp. complications thereof.]

  • nobunny do the fuck youreself

[A recent addition, now with extraneous remix!]

  • president willard harvard

[Whom?]

  • delivery room
  • woman pregnancy drink

[The ends justifying the means while also searching for the liter-a-day justification.]

  • kids flowchart of the malting system

[Honestly, kids need to understand the malting system better. It’ll help them decide which beer should be purchased for them by their 21-year-old Uncle Enabler.]

  • appetite for destruction banned cover value
  • wolfgang amadeus mozart
  • wolfgang amadeus mozart pictures

[These are all related, but some are more related than others.]

  • pregnant women picture drinking

[Sorry, mom. I was going to take the photo down but it’s drawing so many pageviews!]

  • scrooge’s christmas carol

[Revisionist history.]

  • lion tamer school

[Se habla espanol.]

  • Волфганг Амадеус Мозарт

[Ебать да!]

  • donald duck dick

[Limited edition collector’s plate.]

  • douglas adams remix

[This is remarkably specific.]

Precisely.

  • guide to binge

[Do whatever. Excessively.]

  • hurted penis

[A well-placed dickpunch often strips away grammatical functions, if only temporarily.]

  • bangin naked chicks

[What the fuck? Did the rest of the internet suddenly run out of porn?]

  • john denver in a santa hat

[And nothing else.]

  • grinderman+bellringe blues+meaning

[Bellringe blues, n., sl. – To have caught your “bell-end” in a hand wringer whilst trying to proposition the laundrywoman.]

  • inanimate object affection

[Syn., necrophilia.]

  • christmas shoppers paradise carter usm free mp

[Spend your money, girls, on sprays and lipsticks/Tested on bunnies, girls, strays and misfits]

  • gravity powered naked girls

[Nothing is more flattering for naked girls than hundreds of pounds of centrifugal force.]

Shortly after this shot was taken, Karen was hit by a bouquet of roses, suffering multiple fractures and contusions.

  • boy 5-stick-figure

[That’s not a boy. That’s Karen Carpenter.]

  • spelunking jokes

[We’re up to Volume 8 already…]

  • andrew eldtritch hat

[Near-mint condition. Never exposed to the sun’s rays. Smells faintly of fog and acrimony.]

  • longest blonde hair

[Little know fact: Rapunzel? Actually Jewish.]

  • harvard university degree

[I can print you out one right now. My Lexmark sports near-professional 320 dpi.]

If you squint, it looks like someone's having some sex...

  • alien sex picture

[Most likely resulted in the above, rather than you know, actual aliens getting their freak on.]

  • stevie wonder songbook download

[It’s incredibly hard to download braille. Might need some sort of codec…]

  • doll girl naked

[Ted. Seriously. They log everything.]

  • breech position at weeks

[Information for “null” weeks is pretty hard to come by.]

  • prepubecant girls

[Ted? Could you meet me in the IT lab? And turn your spell-checker on.]

  • human league pics

[Still tops in the universe!]

-CLT

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13 comments

  1. A list as disturbing as mine. Just this week I have gotten “smushed meatball,” “wondering chinese face,” and “found in crebillion’s a’tree.” WTF??


    • Good lord, FJ! WTF could be found in crebillion’s a’tree and simultaneously on your nearly abandoned blog? It boggles the mind. How the hell do you SEO that sort of stuff?


  2. Um, just so you know, the hurted penis search was actually my fault.

    (What can I say, it really hurted.)


    • The only logical followup I have is: whose penis was it? (I’m OK without knowing how it got hurted.)


  3. Thanks for sharing the love, CLT and RF. Here’s a hit I received this very day:

    money maker lion tamer

    You make money at this? Bastard. I don’t make money.


    • Hmm. That looks suspiciously like one of my workday vanity searches. And yes, we do make money at this. More specifically, the blog is a front for a small scale counterfeiting operation. (Mainly coins.)


  4. I’m absolutely enamored by the search terms that people use to find my blog. And by enamored by, I mean ‘repulsed by’ and by people I mean ‘sadistic, psychopathic freak (German?) aliens.’ ‘Hanging girl meat’ and ‘hanging gurl meet’ continue to appear in my search terms daily based on a post I did about the butcher shops in Spain a year and a half ago.

    Internet people scare the shit out of me.

    PS. Sometimes the internet does run out of porn. Porn is like milk or cigarettes; it needs to be replaced regularly.


    • “Hanging girl/gurl meat” indicates a rather crude attempt to locate pre-op transsexuals rather than a (possibly German) fetish for torture porn.

      Perhaps your butcher shop story finally allowed some repressed (German) men to get in touch with someone else’s (mostly, except for that one part) femine side.

      Of course, the unexpected photos of actual hanging meat may have led these same frustrated men of indeterminate origin (Germany born and raised) to focus their pent-up desires on something completely unwholesome (Hasselhoff).

      You do raise a good point about the porn supply. I seem to recall a shortage (pun intended??) during the fall of ’04.


  5. Being a Luddite without a website of my own, it took me a while to figure out what the fuck you were talking about. The fact that you know what people were searching for that brought them here is kind of unsettling to me.

    However, I certainly recognize this kind of thing as a valuable tool to keep one’s ego in check. Nothing deflates one’s over-inflated sense of importance like discovering the top search-terms that bring people to your website are “discount bait worms” “living with syphilis” or “worst blog ever”.

    Because something in your website corresponds with what they are looking for, it also serves as a bit of a “good look in the mirror”. Sure, the mirror may be like one of those fun-house mirrors but, distorted or not, but that’s still you in the mirror.

    But whatever gets ’em through the door, right?

    Fancy Plans: Come for the Cleveland Steamers. Stay for the…uh…um…er…ability to be a douche-bag making snide comments from safety of the sidelines!


    • If I could fit your new tagline into the banner, I would. We just haven’t done very well pushing our Cleveland Steamer agenda.

      Honestly, most of what gets ’em thru the door is image searches. I’ve often been tempted to pepper various posts with sub-pinup quality nudes just to increase the wear and tear on the entryway runner. But there’s a limit to how many nipple jokes you can caption photos with. On top of that, I wouldn’t be able to check on the blog at mom’s house without being summarily ejected via their porn blocker.

      The “worst blog ever” searches have jumped dramatically ever since WordPress’ acquisition of LiveJournal.

      (Yes, I will continue to slam LiveJournal well past their point of relevance.)


  6. Image searches -eh? Sad what’s happening to the written word.

    By the way, speaking of Cleveland Steamers, my workplace just bought one.

    http://www.clevelandrange.com/?xhtml=xhtml/cle/us/en/general/product.html&productdata=xhtml/cle/us/en/product/pressure_steamer_open_direct_steam.html&xsl=productdata.xsl&category=0043

    Maybe you should post a picture of one to bump up traffic.


  7. I read “vulva sheen tee” and instantly wondered where I could buy one.


    • My guess would be that Ed Hardy’s busy cranking those out as we speak.



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