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A Quickstart Guide to Blogging with WordPress

November 23, 2010

Eyeball embedding - $29/year. Check under "Upgrades" on your Dashboard. (Use your good eye.)

Welcome to WordPress!

Starting with your first post, the future is today! There has never been a better time to be alive and have opinions, as our easy-to-use features will have you up and running in no time!

It’s time for you to set free those unedited (and unspellchecked) thoughts and start “bringing the noise,” WordPress-style! Are you ready to become part of our exclusive team of over 200 million bloggers?

[If the answer is “Yes!” please proceed.]

Excellent! We’ll just need a valid email address.

[Don’t have one? Well, no worries, Luddite. You’re still free to peruse our selection of 500+ million blogs (only one-third of which are abandoned) and view our inserted ads. Unfortunately, you will not be allowed to actually “blog” and will be mocked incessantly by those who joined the 20th century back when it was still the 20th century.]

Naming Your Blog

Now that the confirmation is out of the way, you’re ready to begin! We’ve chosen your username as the default URL (laydeekillah64) but you can call your blog anything you want. Before you choose, you may want to consider your blog’s subject matter. Here are some ideas:

  • I like shopping!
  • I like CPM!
  • I have advice!
  • I know stuff!
  • I share music!*
  • I’m Wiccan!
  • I’m easily entertained!
  • I have ADD!
  • I’m not sure if I agree with your politics!
  • I don’t do research!
  • My mom thinks I’m funny!
  • ICP4EVAH!!1!
*Your blog has been deleted for Terms of Service violations! Thanks for playing!

Now that you’ve figured out what you want to write about (ICP4EVAH!!1!), it’s time to set your title (ICP4EVAH!!1!). Don’t worry. For maximum confusion, you can change this at any time via your header options.

Ah... "Default." Excellent choice.

Choosing a Theme

It’s time to choose a theme! We currently have hundreds to choose from, so feel free to spend the next several hours perusing them before settling on one of the five that are actually useful/attractive. Or just leave it set to the default (see above), which will give your blog that timeless “almost abandoned” look.

Getting Readers to Your Blog

Now that you’re (presumably) writing, it’s time to get some readers. After all, if no one’s reading your posts, then your blog (and, by extension, you) has no reason to exist. You have plenty of options available to get that Pageview ball rolling!

Oh, look! Over 350,000 "Observational Humour" blogs, 349,000 of which include zero instances of either "observations" or "humour."

Blog Catalog, Blogger, etc.

With a simple but complex signup routine, your new blog will now have the opportunity to be ignored by thousands of new readers, all of whom are loudly promoting their own blogs. By harnessing the collective power of hundreds of self-interested parties, you should be exchanging links with India-based new scrapers and shady Vietnamese porn sites in no time at all!

This cute little "Digger" symbolizes the thousands of users furiously burying your submission.

Digg

It may take some time to get your blog seen by this unfocused and rigged popularity contest, but if you manage to make the elusive front page, look out! Your page will soon be overrun with thousands of one-time visitors! Those few who choose to leave a comment will most likely point out that they’ve seen all of this before, usually several decades ago or caustically correct your grammatical errors. You may also find yourself completely out of bandwidth and on the receiving end of sternly worded messages from your hosting network. Fun, fun, fun!

The WordPress Dartboard O' Instant Noteriety

Freshly Pressed

Outside of Digg, nothing will give you a larger temporary stat boost than being “Freshly Pressed.” Our crack team of blogologists scan new posts daily, looking for new, exciting posts that meet our randomly enforced criteria.

If you should find yourself “Freshly Pressed,” brace yourself for an onslaught of new readers and commenters who will congratulate you on your “Freshly Pressed” status before wandering off to the “next ‘big thing’/link on the list,” leaving you feeling like a former child star whose Disney-propelled ship has suddenly sailed, thanks to the onset of adolescent ugliness.

Commenting

There is perhaps no easier way to get new “eyes” on your blog than through commenting. Visit other like-minded blogs and leave insightful/hilarious comments (see examples below). If other commenters are intrigued by your brilliant insight/humor, they need only to click on your name to visit your site.

  • “Insightful!”
  • “Great job!”
  • “Check out the blog!”
  • www.laydeekillah64.wordpress.com
  • “Hilarious!”
  • “You guys are soooooooo funny!!!!”
  • “LOLOLOL!!!!!!!!”
  • “Acai Berry Flavored Viagra Cheap!”
  • “I just wrote something dealing with this exact subject at my blog, only approaching it from the angle of writing about something completely different! Please click on my link!”

 

Conclusion

Now that you are armed with all the information you’ll ever need ever, get blogging! Remember these two adages:

– You’re only as good as your last post!
– The Internet abhors a vacuum!

Good luck!

-CLT

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19 comments

  1. That development team went on to crank out Superman64.


  2. Oh man I wish this advice would have been around when I started publicly emoting. I once dated this crazy Wiccan chick, and my dead mom thought I was funny back when we were both alive. I could’ve called my blog something like ‘My Dead Mom Thinks I’m Funny But Witches Are Evil. Or at Least She Thought That Bitch Jaimie Was, Because that Girl Really Was Evil, Honestly. It would have been better that the stupid ass name I have now.

    Lol, this was one of the most insightful, hilarious posts I’ve read, probably ever. And the saddest part is, that’s not even shtick. You are sick, wicked fucking funny CLT. It sucks to not be you.


    • Call me crazy, but I thought that’s what your blog was about already, except without the exceedingly long name.

      Thanks for the compliments, Scott. If it’s any comfort, some days it does suck to be me, although in a very minor sort of way. The kind of way that makes people roll their eyes and tend to their various cancers and wheelchairs and post-traumatic stress syndromes.


  3. Thanks for the information posted. Sorry for my English


    • Always glad to help, Arntr. You’ll have to excuse my English. It’s mainly just untrained Americanese.


  4. Lord how I’ve missed these posts. And

    this one couldn’t have come at a better time! I’ve decided to start another blog to add to my forty-nine other half-assed blogs. I’m calling it I’m not sure if I agree with your politics but I like shopping and have ADD and don’t do research because I’m Wiccan and my mom thinks I’m funny! Oh, and Steampunk!

    (Let me know if you want to contribute, with my other 49 half-assed blogs I don’t really have time to add content myself.)

    ps. Sorry for my English. It would apologize itself, but it can’t speak good.


    • Congratulations on half-assed blog #50, B! I’m sure we’ll all flock to it temporarily before abandoning it shortly after you do. If you’ll look to your upper right, you can see a short list of my half-assed blogs that withered on the attention vine.

      (I’d love to contribute but I’m already abandoning a half-dozen ideas of my own.)

      PS. Your English is excused. Some ESL classes might help, thus making English both its primary and secondary language.


  5. “Insightful! Great job! Hilarious! LOLOL!”

    Honestly, this guide should be emblazoned upon the WordPress and Blogger help pages. And bschooled, I would totally contribut to that blog.


    • Thanks, Dr. Cynicism. As much as we both think this information should be emblazoned elsewhere, I’m sure the underhanded pokes at the soft white underbelly of blogging would fail to be appreciated in its time. Perhaps a posthumous “Freshly Pressed” will be bestowed upon my passing.


    • Don’t you mean “Freshly Passed”?


  6. You suck ass, man. I can’t believe you think this is funny, this is the lamest shit ever. Everyone knows Blogger kicks WordPress’s ass in every single way. You must be like totally old or something.

    (you forgot to mention the joy of trolling)

    P.S. You know, right? I mean, it goes without saying, yes? 😉


    • Ha!

      Oh, those damn trolls…;)


    • Well, these are obviously the comments of someone with WP envy. Blogger, Typepad, etc. are all inferior platforms. And don’t get me started on Tumblr, whose format I have yet to figure out.

      Of course, WP isn’t all gold-plated and nickel-reinforced. We did acquire a lifetime supply of teenage angst and fanfic with our LiveJournal acquisition which, while inappropriately entertaining, now swells our ranks with writers who will progress from “bad” to “worse” to “godawful.”

      I did forget to mention trolling, but one can always can always count on trolls with highly recognizable feet to set the record straight while simultaneously muddying the waters.

      Thanks for the visit, troll.


    • Damned feet. Most recognizable thing this side of the Mississippi. Also, this side of Nyack, NY, Saskatchewan, and the bed on the roof of that building downtown. Trust me, you don’t want to know.


  7. Wow, I just found your blog post and I really liked it. I will def be back (if we take ‘def’ to mean ‘in an undefinable length of time’) . And the crazy thing is that I just wrote something like it on MY blog! (well, if we take ‘just like’ to mean ‘similar in that we are both human’) Check it out at onetimevisitor.wordpress.com

    But hey – dont judge me on my last post only, or you might get the idea I am some kind of semi-motivated (if by ‘semi motivated’ we mean ‘lazy’) judgmental bitch. And I dont know if I can take virtual strangers thinking the same things of me as my family and friends….


    • Yeah. It’s kind of dog-eat-dog in the blog world if you start obsessing over pageviews and whatnot. This is the ugly side that no one ever tells you about, kids. “C’mon! Get a blog! Everyone’s doing it!” And there’s the downside. If everyone is indeed doing it then the amount of time needed to run a successful/popular blog would be near infinite.

      I’ve decided to let the chips fall where they may and use it as an outlet for anything I feel compelled to share, which in this case happens to be a ton of music.

      Thanks for the visit, Ruby. I still prefer semi-motivated, judgmental bitches to nameless hipsters any day of the week.


  8. Your timing is impeccable.

    I myself am currently mulling over starting a WordPress Account. It’s not out of the utterly pathetic desire for public adoration that most people are afflicted with these days. It’s primarily because I have a lot of court-ordered community service hours to preform. What better community service is there than giving the mindless masses the privilege of reading my work? Shit, the fucktards may even learn something!

    The biggest thing preventing me from starting a website is the fact that I am a Luddite. Come to think of it, it’s been about 5 years since I actually had a personal e-mail account! Not only do I not have the time to learn the inane nerd-speak and ever-changing programming seemingly required, I have no desire to.

    I’m thinking of hiring a nad-less nerd to do all that bullshit for me, so all I have to do is the researching and the writing. Didn’t Donald Mills do something like that?


    • Well, all the pathetic desires aside, you don’t need much technical skill to set up a blog these days, and from looking around, not much talent is required either.

      You could always go with Plan B (or in your case, Plan A) and persuade some hack to cobble you together a blog/soapbox and pay them in graphics cards and caffeinated beer.


    • Perhaps the biggest downside of getting my own website is that it would take away time from an even bigger passion of mine; going to other people’s blogs and criticizing their work.



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