I’m Back, Baby.November 11, 2010
The drunken, profane robot has spoken.
Now, as many of you are probably asking yourselves right now: “Who the hell are you and why should I care?” And rightly so. I have been gone quite awhile. Most of you have continued on with your lives and blogging in my absence. Some, unfortunately, haven’t.
Don Mills finally decided to give the young people of the world a break and get on with retiring. Tragically, this leaves a gaping hole in the “youngster bashing” arena which no one can properly fill, not even pale imitation Clifton Tanager and his rambling, horrific anecdotes. Even more tragic, his absence will only encourage the youth of America, as his removal will confirm (in their tiny minds) that if you say “STFU” loud enough, for long enough, your tormentor(s) will eventually go away.
It’s kind of a shitty message to be sending, but hopefully it’ll just sail over their underdeveloped heads like pretty much everything else.
Fundamental Jelly also called it a day (mostly), taking his camera and dry wit with him. Another gaping hole left in the internet which won’t be filled anytime soon, as sharp-eyed photographers rarely possess devastatingly understated humour. (Seriously, when was the last time that Annie Leibovitz made you laugh?)
Of course, like all the greats, he left an opening for a possible sequel.
But the rest of you kept on going. And look at you, all grown up and sprouting facial hair and posts all over the place! (Especially you, Scott.)
Bschooled has added Facebook-trolling to her bag of hilarious tricks. Vodka and Ground Beef changed her template but not her delightfully wrong take on world events. Ruby Two Shoes’ quality hasn’t dropped although her post count has. Ulysses over at Hidden Leaves is shifting focus as well, resulting in fewer posts by still delivering tons of insight. And new blogroll addition Imperfect Enjoyment (found via this piece at Defenestration Mag) continues to drop nearly scatological science on subjects from questionable hairstyles to 50 Cent’s inappropriate contact with an underaged Soulja Boy.
But enough about you, what about me?
RF Interference appeared periodically to dispense advice on clothing, HBO and other such matters usually left untouched, which somehow touched off a turf war in the comment threads. After several days and several thousand words, RF was declared the winner, thanks to his immaculate embedding of a JPEG in the comment thread.
We received our first DMCA takedown notice, which oddly enough left the music selections unscathed. However, it did rob this post of a fine photo of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and its attendant Scott Stapp bashing. However, it can be argued (and it has…) that the caption is equally effective without the photo.
Various submissions were rejected (where “various” = “a majority”) but amazingly, a few broke through. Two at Defenestration:
One more appeared at The Big Jewel:
Some of these will look familiar to long-time readers, but some significant editing (for the better) went into the Big Jewel post and the Coach Rafferty piece has never appeared here on the blog.
McSweeney’s remains unfazed by my onslaught of submissions, countering each one like a jaded tennis instructor returning the serves of uninterested 13-year-old students.
A River and Sound Review served up the best rejection, shattering all my illusions about the selection process:
“Thank you for sending us “Concert Review” for consideration. However, after reading it, we have decided not to use it.”
This new “reading submissions” editorial scheme does not bode well for my untitled (and 99% unwritten) novel.
To sum up: it’s good to be back. I’ve missed this. And I learned two things while away:
1. When you stop writing, you stop writing.
2. There’s nothing easier than not writing.
So, fortunately or unfortunately, I need this kind of pressure to stay creative. Thanks for reading.