Buy American! The Benefits of Purchasing a Big 3 Vehicle

October 19, 2010
The 2010 Buick Rhetoric: the finest in American automocars.

The 2010 Buick Rhetoric: the finest in American automocars.

[Still not blogging, but actively planning my return. Until then, here’s a piece that has lost a little timeliness, but still contains a laugh or two. Possibly three. Definitely less than five. Originally published May 22, 2009.]

There has never been a better time than now to buy an American car. Apparently. What with your tax dollars all tied up, you’d think they’d be giving them away. But until that point, here are a few of the many reasons to buy American!*

*Exclamation point required by stipulations of federal bailout.
The ! makes it patriotic.
  • Free up the next election day! By purchasing a Big 3 auto, your vote is already cast for Obama in the 2012 election.
  • Kilometer markings still in small, unobtrusive font size.
  • Park without getting towed at your local VFWs.
  • 30% domestic content, which is 15% more than your domestic content.
Vehicles awaiting government-backed warranty service.

Vehicles awaiting government-backed warranty service.

  • Your warranty is backed by the U.S. government, an entity known for its swift action and efficient problem solving.
  • The opportunity to finally use the phrase: “I liked it so much I bought the company!”
  • Guaranteed to contain at least 22% subsidies.
  • Adjustable gun rack option means even your Neon can look manly.
  • Runs on E85, an environmentally-friendly biofuel consisting of good ol’ American corn and bullshit.
  • At 15 MPG, you’ll stimulate the economy plenty.
  • More seating area and larger interior mirrors make rush hour multi-tasking a breeze.
    @asshole: i’m going 70 in the snow stuck behind the orphanage bus.
    @asshole: i’m going to try to pass them on the shoulder.
  • Horn plays latest Toby Keith fight song.
  • Purchase allows you to proudly state that you fought in Vietnam. Purchasing the rust-proofing option adds “…and lost <limb of your choice> fighting for your right to purchase this fine vehicle, with no money down and no payments for 60 months, on approved credit.”
  • Allows your scab ass to safely sneak past union picket lines.
  • Now you can stop saying, “Do you have any Grey Poupon?” and start saying, “That thing got a Hemi?”
  • Avails you to a wide selection of decals featuring Calvin urinating on various vehicle logos.
  • 40% less “You aren’t from around here, are ya?” harassment.
  • If you die in a collision with a foreign-made vehicle, you automatically go to heaven. God bless America!
  • 30% more bumper sticker room than the leading foreign competitor. (Note: VW Bus not included in this comparison.)
  • You’ll earn the undying respect of Donald Mills. (Note: Valid until Mr. Mills dies.)
In an attempt to cut costs, Ford engineers experiment with forced mating.

In an attempt to cut costs, Ford engineers experiment with forced mating.

  • Unsafe at any speed? Sounds like a dare to me!
  • 2010 Humvee features ELF-deflecting crumple zones and a year’s supply of Enzyte.
  • Fewer savage beatings by UAW goons.
  • Receive the Big Three Insider newsletter, featuring real estate deals in Detroit, MI.
  • Buy any full-size truck, receive a complimentary ’85 Cutlass for the yard.
  • Will allow you to continue believing that Born in the U.S.A. is one of the most patriotic songs ever written. (Note: will also allow you to continue believing that R.E.M.’s The One I Love is a beautifully romantic song and should be played at your wedding.)
  • According to J.D. Power and Associates, the Chevrolet Camaro is still the “#1 choice for meth users/dealers.”
  • Buying a German car is like giving money directly to Hitler. Unless you’re cool with that, in which case it’s like giving money directly to the Jews.
  • Korean and Japanese cars contain too many choking hazards.
  • As you struggle through your latest layoff, you can rest assured that your purchase helped keep the real American heroes “working.”
  • A nation of stupid, obese children will benefit from the government’s “Too Big to Fail” program.
  • Do we really need to say the thing about the terrorists winning? You should know this by now.
  • You probably should have read the fine print before signing Gingrich’s “Contract with America.”
  • Bylaw 412.3(b) of Obama’s “Buy American!” policy states that “no fewer than one (1) in three (3) first sexual experiences must take place in a vehicle containing a minimum of 60% domestic fabrication.” The policy goes on to state that “such (American) vehicles are generally roomier and more suited for awkward groping” than their foreign counterparts, as well as being more prone to actually running out of gas.
  • Complimentary CD of Lee Greenwood’s greatest hit.
  • As a result of John C. DeLorean’s consultation, random “bonus” vehicles will ship with 2-4 kilos of cocaine in the door panels.
Lincoln believes that some things never go out of style!

Lincoln believes that some things never go out of style!

Brought to you by: The 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe

There’s no better vehicle for your golden age driving than the 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe, featuring ample seating for six and a wheelbase of 38 feet. Relax in the comfort of leather seating (from poached free-range cattle) and genuine ivory highlights. The all-encompassing luxury and silent ride, thanks to Lincoln’s patented “Deathclock V-12,” will whisk you away to a simpler time.

A time when the speed limit was 35 mph. Everywhere. A time when youngsters had their pants pulled up, their eyes down and their mouths shut. A time when enjoying a party line didn’t mean dialling a 900 number. A time when quality products were made by Raybestos, Union Carbide and the Universal Music Group.

A time when heading out to a social event with a live band meant safe, chaperoned dancing and punch, rather than shameless full-contact grinding and a lecture about the trade deficit. A time when women and minorities couldn’t vote. A time when black was the only color for cars and white was the only color that mattered.

The 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe: Speak English or Die!



  1. I remember the Xenophobe (alias Mark III or IV or some number). A guy I dated in college had one….what a ride!

    • The guy or the Lincoln?


      [to borrow a phrase I overheard at an Omaha convention]

      Welcome yorksnbeans! Thanks for stopping in.

  2. Where to start?

    (The problem with writing consistently funny lists like this is that it makes it very challenging to pull out one or two choice lines to refer back to. Should it be the DeLorean line? Calvin peeing? The Camaro as the top choice for meth users?)

    Never mind…I’m forced once again into making the broad “this is really, really funny” comment, CLT. You have a unique gift for this kind of thing.

    And I’m sure Donald appreciates being included in your list.

    All the best, Ram

    • Thanks, Ram.

      I sent Don an email regarding this and it was returned with “Return to Sender” stamped on it. In an envelope. And my email was now written in longhand. In my writing.

      Something weird happens to time and space around that man, possibly due to the overwhelming rye fumes.

      Always good to see you, thanks for stopping by.

  3. Killer funny CLT, I finally got around to adding your awesome blog to my blogroll. My bad.

    • Thanks for the hook-up as the kids say, FJ. And as always, a pleasure to have you. Twice in one night.

      (There’s some eerie silence in here right about now. I really should hire that drummer for telegraphing the punchlines.)

  4. Another day, another brilliant post at CLT.

    I’m with Ram on this. There’s just so much fabulous comedy going on, I have no idea where to begin.

    I’ll start with applause.

    …And if I can earn the undying respect of Buick LeSabre driving, Donald Mills, then my life is complete. So far all I’ve gotten from him is a beating with a slotted spoon. I deserved it. He told me as much. He was right. He’s always right… Still, it hurt like hell.

    I’ve got nothing against the 2010 Lincoln Xenophobe, I just don’t like their kind driving around in my neighbourhood.

    • Mills. The man knows Buicks. How’d you earn your beating? Show up in a Prius?

      Thanks for the applause and thanks again for reading American!

    • I slouched in his presence. Wow. More new Guide to Rock and Roll (More Requests & Old Favorites) to read. Bonus!

    • Yeah, that would do it. That and your incessant mumbling and voting.

      I try very hard to stand up straight, enunciate and be apolitical as possible when around him.

  5. It is odd, but true…check out the cars in the parking lot of any synagogue and many (if not most!) will be German. I once listened to a Lubavitch rabbi admonish his flock on Shabbat not to purchase German cars (the same flock who owned the German cars in his parking lot, and who breached the prohibition of driving on Shabbat in order to hear the rabbi speak…ah, Jewish irony). Not sure if BMW still carries it, but the Weather Channel sure comes in handy during hurricane season in south Florida. Those babies are so tricked out they would serve as flotation devices if you were hurled into Biscayne Bay in a Cat 5 storm. I’ll even bet Dorothy made her way back to Kansas from Oz snoozing in the backseat of a 1939 BMW 335. Can I just profess my unwavering adoration of German cars?

    • As far as I’ve heard, the Jewish people are a rather practical bunch. So it would tend to lead that they would respect the fine craftsmanship of a German automobile.

      “Sure, they’re murderous oppressors but I haven’t had a knock or ping in over 120,000 miles. Larry just drove his 500SE over a half million and has only changed the oil twice.”

    • Over time, German cars have most certainly proven their superiority.

  6. It was great to come and catch up on some “less than 5 laughs guaranteed” CLT humor! Even though I felt slightly harassed on account of ‘not being from around these parts’.

    Its also good to hear you are actively preparing yr return, I like to imagine that means flexing yr typing fingers, doing eye exercises and practicing wicked belly laughs….

    • Thanks for showing up, ruby. Hopefully you got the maximum four laughs despite your obvious touristy appearance.

      I have been doing some deep flexing and laughing inappropriately. I should be in excellent shape by whenever the time is that I actually get back to this.

  7. With regards to the “Ford forced mating” car photo:

    I once passed by a 6 car version of such a stack-up on a city street. Because it occurred right in front of the university on a week known for engineer student pranks, I thought it was a prank until I saw medics treating the middle-age drivers.

    There could have been even more car-dominoes in this incident, but the vehicles bookending this crash were vans that couldn’t have submarined/been submarined like that.

    • Well, having medics at the scene doesn’t necessarily mean it wasn’t a student prank. However, the van bookends would be a bit of a mood killer, if stacking vehicles is the sort of thing you get off on.

      (If it is the sort of thing you get off on, than I’m proud to count J.G. Ballard as a faithful reader.)

  8. I drive one of those giant old American monsters and, after having driven smaller and more efficient euro and jap cars, I love/hate it all the more.

    I still endorse driving the wheels off an old car than paying a company to produce ANY new car that uses up extra resources just to come into existence. I have no brand out country loyalty, I buy a car on how good it is and what it offers me. That’s what I hope everyone would do.

    • I’m with you on that, Posky. Call me “old,” but I’m finding it hard to justify purchasing a new vehicle considering anything that needs to be repaired will cost me a small fortune.

      Sure, it’s presumably a great idea to have air pressure guages built into the tires so I don’t ever need to get out of the driver’s seat to see my PSI, but is it worth the tradeoff when the valve stems are $100/ea.?

      I think not.

  9. […] With a track title copped (and reformatted) from the Rolling Stones at their most caustic and a sound that recalls the brattier moments of punks with seniority taking the next bus to post-, the dichotomously named Finkielkrauts have carved open a niche in the musical landscape. If nothing else, you won’t forget the title, or for that matter, the band name itself which conjures up images of a synagogue parking filled with Mercedes and Porsches. […]

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