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Branson, Missouri Calendar of Events

September 26, 2010
Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

Birthplace of White Bread and Unflavored Yogurt

[Hiatus swiftly turning into a sabbatical. Here’s another from the archives to keep the dust from settling… Pay close attention to the botched BTO joke. Originally published May 12, 2009.]

Summer’s on its way and it’s never to early to plan for a visit to garish Branson, Missouri. Birthplace of Richard Branson, CEO of Virgin Airlines, Branson offers many varied events for the discriminating traveler. In fact, nothing sums up the Branson experience more than discrimination!

May

  • Jim Nabors Circus and Sideshow
  • Bing Crosby: Fatherhood (6-drink minimum)
  • Planter’s Nut Tasting: Spotlight on Filbert
  • Blue Angels Flyover
  • Branson Young Republicans Present: Beginner Trust Fund Investment
  • UFC! 22
  • American Idol Contestants #344, #12,077 and #61,008
  • Infomercial Taping
  • The Best of the Sanitized Internet: Brought to You by AOL
  • Shat! – The Life and Times of America’s Most Beloved Entertainer. A William Shatner productions featuring William Shatner as himself.

June

  • Andy Rooney: the Original Shock Jock
  • The Hour of Power featuring the Reverend Al Sharpton
  • Cops:Live!
  • Nickelback: 75 Minutes of Your Life That You’ll Never Have Back Tour
  • Annie, Get Your Gun featuring Charlton Heston as himself
  • Robert Fulghum: Tiresome Platitudes for Everyday Situations
  • Estroven Presents: Hot Flashes of Passion featuring Air Supply and Rick Astley
  • It Feels a Little Damp! Might Rain! Better Bring a Coat! – Daily weather brought to you by Up With People!
  • Community Service Theater Presents: The Vagina Monologues featuring Dana Plato and Lisa Bonet
  • Does This Look Done?: Your Guide to Branson’s Early-Bird Buffets
  • Napalm Death – All Ages Show

July

  • Rosie Grier’s Microwave Cookery and EMT Training
  • Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner – starring Sinbad! and Carrie Prejean. Spencer Tracy’s role will be played by Brian Dennehy; Katherine Hepburn’s role will be played by C-3PO in a wig.
  • Expired Copyright Film Festival
  • Russell Simmon’s Def Comedy Jam
  • Sansabelt Presents: Pat Boone in the Round
  • David Cross Insults Your Belief System
  • The Minor Chords: Barbershop Quartet Stylings from John Oates, Jim Messina, Art Garfunkel and Andrew Ridgeley
  • Christopher Reeve in President for Life: The FDR Story (cancelled)
  • An Evening with Mr. Donald Mills
  • An Introductory Guide to Black Presidents
  • Tony Robbins: The IMAX Experience

August

  • Some of the Boys Are Back in Town! Three-fifths of Bachman-Turner Overdrive reunite to sing their greatest hit, over and over.
  • Dame Edna’s Ballet of the Transgendered
  • The Strangely Inappropriate Antics of the Stanford Marching Band
  • Agreeing to Disagree: Your VCR and You
  • American Flagg! – A Patriotic Musical
  • Blissfully Unaware Productions Presents: Watersports: Fun pool activities to guaranteed to provide the most “bang” for your “gang!” Also included: Our famous Afternoon Delight Buffet including Ron J.’s famous footlongs, fish tacos, tossed salad, cream pies and the winning entries from our Caribbean Meat Jerk-Off!
  • Who’s On First? starring Bill Buckner and Jack Clark (4-drink minimum)
  • Panthers Can Be White: An introspective look at the MC5 and the revolution that never was
  • Regis and Kathie Lee Together Again! – Now starring in David Mamet’s Sexual Perversity in Chicago
  • Bitching About How Things Used to Be: Featuring commentary from Sinbad! (“Women be different than men”) and Yakoff Smirnoff (“Russia be different than America”).

-CLT

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14 comments

  1. Seriously funny stuff.

    It’s great that Mr. Donald Mills has made the list. There are a lot of exceptionally talented artists (dead and alive) at Branson this year.

    Mr. Mills once told me that he was disgusted by how fat the lads from Bachman Turnover Drive had become. He felt they should change their name to “Bachman Apple Turnover Drive”

    For BTO’s sake (aka BTAO), I sure hope old Don doesn’t bump into them. If he does, chances are excellent that he’ll brain them with a vat of lard.

    Anyway off to purchase my Nickelback and Bing tickets…


    • I can almost see him up there. Single spotlight, stage bare except for an old green armchair, an endtable, a lamp and a photo album. (Just a prop, actually full of pictures ripped from the lingerie section of a 1943 Montgomery Wards catalog.)

      He’ll start out low, preaching the virtues of rye and clean living, unable to hear the back 20 or so rows murmuring, “What did he say?,” “Lands, did he just say ‘Goddamn?'” and, “Focus!”

      Soon, he’ll pick up the rhythm and pace. The soundman will oblige the last 20 rows by turning the soundsystem up to a point that it rattles the windows of the Stuckeys three blocks away.

      Within 45 minutes, he’s on his feet! The crowd’s on its feet! (Those who can, anyway.) They’re swaying and bobbing, shouting “Amen!” “Preach it!” and “Hallelujah!” much like a black Southern Baptist church congregation. (Which they very much are, except for the whole, you know, black part.)

      By the end of the show, the audience is frothing. They bum-shuffle the stage and turn, as if one multi-headed octogenarian hydra and head towards the theater manager’s office!

      They demand to know why this man hasn’t spoken before (no idea), why they can’t get a copy of his book (he hasn’t written one), why he won’t sign a photo for their sister Eunice who lives upstate (photos???), and why, for the love of Jesus, they can’t get that Beech’s gum they used to love as a child! (?????)

      By the end of the night and several rounds of rye, they’ve elected him mayor of Whiteytown (or whatever the hell the locals call it).


    • Love it.

      And as they carry off him off into the sunset, they all look to him and in a single collective voice ask “Don, whatever happened to the milkman?”


  2. Yes. Dopes, guns and fucking in the streets. Pity that never took off. Well, maybe it did. And that’s why you can buy a house for $1 right off scenic 8 Mile.

    There’s the Stooges. And then there’s the Von Bondies, who other than serving the semi-useful purpose of being Jack White’s punching bag, have also put out a few choice tunes. See also, the theme song from Rescue Me.


  3. Riot CLT, just a riot. Thanks for the effort, really. Cheers.


  4. I would do Kathie Lee in front of her old, dead husbands body. (Not sure why he would need to be there but thought it would be more exciting that way).

    Why did you have to play the Bill Buckner card? -2 points.


    • Well, it certainly would be more exciting for him, as he hasn’t seen that kind of action for years (not that he’s seeing it now).

      As for Buckner, with another World Series win under our belts, who cares? The Yankees can go fuck themselves right in their overpaid asses. Go Sox!


  5. Wonderful CLT. It should be a hot summer Branson.

    Sinbad and Yakof Smirnoff on the same bill? It’s too good to be true.


    • It’s certainly too awful to be false.

      Unless…

      “Good evening, folks. My name’s Carrottop, and I’ll be your waiter.”


  6. Branson sounds amazing. I was planning on going to Spain this summer, but I’m changing my mind now. I’m dying to see Heston in Annie, Get Your Gun, but I’d give everything up for two tickets to Hot Flashes of Passion.

    “An Introductory Guide to Black Presidents” . . . too good.


    • Branson is amazing in a way that tourist traps in the Midwest often are: overpriced detritus, unattractive but polite employees and a 20-30 year lag in fashion and general state of mind.

      This doesn’t even take into account the fact that they’re often miles away from anything useful, meaning you’ll also get to enjoy the comfort of a twin prop aircraft fighting wind shear for airspace.

      Enjoy!


  7. You almost fooled me, but there’s no way Shatner would lower himself to Branson. Shat is definitely a show that screams Broadway. Moreover, when has David Cross insulted anyone’s belief system? David Cross is the Disney version of Bob Saget. Totally g-rated and non-threatening.


    • Shat had to start somewhere and what better place to start than the ass end of the middle of nowhere. Shatner was hesitant at first, but changed his mind after being informed that Branson Fun Money could be exchanged for casino chips and cut-rate hookers.

      As for David Cross… something about being surrounded by close-minded people tends to disrupt his usual “feel good” flow, much to the dismay of often overflow crowds under the assumption that they too would “feel good” by the end of the show.

      Thanks for the visit, Muninn.



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