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Great Lion Tamers of the Past Vol. 3

September 21, 2010
[And here it is… the last episode of the fakest family tree to ever grace WordPress. Originally published July 7, 2009.]

Time for another dive into the historic dumpster called “Great Lion Tamers of the Past.” As in previous installments (see here, and also, here) we will cast a jaded eye back at the various scoundrels, ne’er-do-wells and boy band managers that secured the Lion Tamers place in history as society’s black eye.

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Jerome Noble Lion Tamer
As the proprietor of upscale strip-mall favorite “Barnes & Noble Heavy-Ass Coffee Table Books,” J.N. gained a reputation for only stocking the most ostentatious titles, each weighing no less that 25 lbs.

He is shown here handling, with disastrous results, Vol. 14 of the U.S. Constitution, on his way to the discount table. Only mildly popular, due to the tremendous amount of revisions, amendments and missing pages, all volumes of the Constitution usually wrapped up the year collecting dust with other deeply discounted tomes.

Older versions were often found placed next to such illustrious and swiftly forgotten favorites, such as The Collected Doodles of Lance Bass, Freight Cars of America, The Collected Nude Portraits of Gertrude Stein, and Booze Broads and Bedlam, the last of which soon became the children’s cherished sketch pad due to its enormous size and completely blank pages.

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Elijah Montegarde Lion Tamer
A former sideshow performer and the 1903 winner of the “Most Ungainly Hairdo: Facial Division” award, E.M. would often “entertain” guests with various feats of daredevilry featuring his indoor cannon.

Named “Congress,” not after the hair-triggered legislative branch, but rather in a very blatant and poorly thought out attempt at subtle innuendo (the other side says “Sexual”). “Congress” was often used as a very frightening form of foreplay in his deviant rumpus room, or “War Office.” E.M. often lamented that no matter how explicit he was about his preferences in his many Craigslist personals, most “War Office Key Parties” tended to be sparsely attended “sausagefests.”

E.M. died alone from a self-inflicted headwound as did “Little Elijah,” who succumbed to a self-inflicted gunshot wound from E.M.’s pistol, “Little Congress.”

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Octavius Rockefeller Lion Tamer
The richest man of all time, O.R. amused himself as only the insanely rich can: by doing insane (and insanely expensive) things. He spent a little over $7 million ($380 billion in today’s dollars) on reconstructive surgery in order to become the largest man on the Eastern seaboard.

Once finished with this physical ordeal, O.R. found it easy to “pocket” Congressmen and Senators, forcing them to run the legislative treadmill for years at a time.

With the Capitol building converted to a rib smoker, O.R. headed east to terrorize Europe and Asia. After a minor struggle with the 300-foot Spectre of Fascism, O.R. strode, unchallenged across Asia. His comeuppance finally occurred in downtown Osaka, Japan, where he was defeated by the eight wonder of the world: Mecha-Godzilla.

Though his outsized remains were greeted by thousands of mourners stateside, astute observers of the funeral noticed a disproportionate amount of “Thank god he’s dead,” and “It couldn’t have happened to a bigger prick” comments, leading modern historians to subsequently place mourners in quotes.

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Roderick Arthur Lion Tamer
Another in a long-line of circus and sideshow performers within the Lion Tamer clan, R.A. turned his years of scamming and entertaining rural yokels into a long run as the official Jester to the President.

After various attempts at politically-charged piano tunes and scathing Letters to the Editor, R.A. soon settled on his bread-and-butter, riding around like a idiot on his handcrafted Silver Dollar Unicycle. Having never bothered to learn juggling, R.A. would simply wave his hands about in a somewhat carefree fashion, using a sort of proto-juggling mime. More often than not, his act consisted entirely of his rolling, fake-juggling antics, all set to the “Benny Hill” theme for maximum comic effect.

Universally reviled, R.A. nonetheless lived a successful life. His show ran for 34 consectutive years as government red tape constantly delayed his dismissal and his multiple appearances in tear-jerking melodramas (The Good Doctor Adams Who Made Laughter from Tears; Good Morning, French Indochina!) gained him new fans, while simultaneously alienating his old ones.

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Phillip Albertson Lion Tamer
A consummate ladies’ man and clotheshorse, P.A. was often seen gadding about town, gold watch on a chain and rohypnol in his pocket. He is seen in this etching, posing for an etching while asking the artist’s assistant if she would like to come see his etching as soon as it is finished and hanging in his bungalow.

Blessed with a smooth tongue, a full head of hair and an honorary doctorate from the University of Phoenix Online, P.A. tore through the fairer sex of Upper Illinois, leaving illegitimate children and bounced checks in his wake.

During his declining years, P.A. began to take stock of his life. As the wolves of paternity bayed mercilessly (and metaphorically) outside his window, P.A. suffered a change of heart, when it went from “ticking away normally” to “not really working at all, is it.”

On his deathbed, P.A. asked his numerous bastard offspring and former paramours to gather close, at which point he delivered his final message to the world: “My will has never been proven legal. Good luck dealing with the state of Illinois and my next of kin, whom I alienated years ago.” His body was buried in the St. Mary Hospital parking lot, after being hurled from the 23rd story window.

His legacy lives on, however, as the tougher restrictions and faster moving wage garnishments have been entitled “Phillip’s Law,” which also requires those arrested for child support non-payment to post signs in their yard stating that they steal from children and single mothers and are required to stay at least 500 feet from bars, casinos, hotels and family planning clinics.

-CLT

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15 comments

  1. You, my friend, are on a tear!

    The Collected Nude Portraits of Gertrude Stein was a book my mother used to read to me every night. Okay, she didn’t read it, she opmed it up, held it before my eyes and roared “Look!”

    Then I said, “Agghhhhhhh! I’ll go to sleep!”

    A very effective parenting tool. Good for whacking no good kids across the head too. A thick tome.

    And thanks, now I understand the meaning to the slang term “Whoa! That’s one giant sized baby thing Octavius!” Who knew? Not me.


    • Gertrude Stein has helped more people than she’ll ever know. Mainly parents who wish to be rid of their offspring as soon as possible.

      Still, you have to admire the forearm strength of a woman who can whack someone over the head with a book that weighs 31 lbs. 2 oz. and measures 24″ x 36″.

      Octavius: he spoke softly and carried a big baby thing. The world will never see his likes again, thanks to everybody tut-tutting whenever someone tries to play God.

      Great to see you, Alan. Thanks for the great comment.


    • She also said “A rose is a rose is a rose”

      That’s profound. I thought it was a coffee pot.


    • Thanks for pointing that out, Alan. She was also quite the amateur botanist. Like Georgia O’Keefe.


  2. Isn’t it amazing that all the crap you should be reading (like the constitution) always ends up on the bargain table at B&N


    • That is so true, Bearman.

      Mom’s Advice for Living, the Illustrated Bible, The US Military Guide to Health and Fitness, the Geneva Convention, Financial Advice That Works for Everyone, the Idiot’s Guide to Common Sense, 101 Flammable Objects…

      Great to have you in the joint, Bearman.


  3. Octavius Rockefeller Lion Tamer was my favorite. Becoming the largest man on the Eastern seaboard is a feat that cannot and will not be outdone.


    • Very true, RR. Malpractice laws and the rapidly escalating cost of illegal plastic surgery means we will never see that again. Not in our lifetimes.

      Thanks for visiting, RR.


  4. Phillip’s law will eventually cause the ruin of hotels, casinos, and bars as their patrons aren’t allowed there anymore. Where will we be without hotels, casinos, or bars?


    • Home, safely in bed by 8:30 pm. Just the way mom and our government would like it.

      Nice to see you, CC.


  5. Great stuff CLT. I have a copy of The Barbara Bush Nudes: The Lincoln Memorial Collection


    • FJ! Great to see you!

      Is that the super-deluxe edition with 60×96 fold-out, ceiling-mountable prints?


  6. An excellent post Mr. Tamer,

    Well done.

    And don’t discount Elijah Montegarde’s victory in the “Most Ungainly Hairdo: Facial Division.” If memory serves, 1903, was one of the most competitive years they’d seen in some while. A victory there was no small feat.

    Regards,

    Don Mills


    • Don! What a pleasant surprise!

      I was just whipping up a rye-and-milk cocktail. I believe they call it a “Curdler.”

      1903 was a tough year for those in the competitive facial hair field. Some rule changes allowed for more entries and some early DNA testing made sure that you were only wearing your hair, not patching on chunks of hair from horses, cows, dogs or Chinamen.


  7. You may have underestimated R.A Lion Tamer as his bastard offspring are doing quite well performing on the Strip in numerous Cirque du Soleil shows. He may have stiffed them in his will, but he endowed them with skills. A few of them even pull off tear jerking melodramatic performances worthy of a standing ovation in the Phantom of the Opera. Sort of like how (singer) Dion was the son of the black sheep in the family. Ya never know.



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