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What Not to Do in the Magic Kingdom

September 2, 2010
Mickey Mouse: yet another victim of racial profiling

Mickey Mouse: yet another victim of racial profiling

[Nothing like ruining things for others. It’s what makes blogging “virtually the happiest place on earth.” Originally published July 7, 2009.]

Disneyland is constantly referred to as “the happiest place on earth” and it’s easy to see why. The culmination of Walt Disney’s love of animation and copyright extensions have turned parts of California, Florida and France into a paradise for children of all ages (more specifically, children ages 5-12).

For parents though, the reality is a mind-numbing combination of these aspects:

  • Watching your children in public
  • Standing in line
  • Dealing with other people’s children
  • Blowing ridiculous amounts of money

Is it any wonder that five years down the road the kids are getting stashed at Grandma’s while the parents head to Las Vegas to blow the college fund on roulette and Wayne Newton tickets?

Disney Corporation runs a tight ship to ensure the magic happens for everyone. The evidence of their quality control is everywhere, from the scared shitless would-be actors cowering in their mascot suits to the numerous sequels cranked out year after year, turning beloved favorites into just another piece of the franchise.

Peter Pan: arrested for transporting minors across dimensional lines; failure to fulfill EOE requirements (Hook v. Pan)

Peter Pan: arrested for transporting minors across dimensional lines; failure to fulfill EOE requirements (Hook v. Pan)

If you are planning to blow the equivalent of a used car in one weekend, it just makes sense to be aware of the many words and actions, often used in panic or frustration, that will hasten your exit from the Magic Kingdom.

Educating other guests about Walt Disney’s Nazi-sympathizing.

Asking any black employees if they are part of the Song of the South exhibit.

Asking why there are so few black employees.

Exclaiming “But I can buy this shit anywhere!” while in the gift shop.

Playing “Spot the Penis” at every promotional poster.

Covering your children’s eyes every time Donald Duck’s pants-less ass waddles by.

Speculating on Beauty and the Beast’s pre-transformation love life.

Pointing out that the estate of the Brothers Grimm would be paved with gold, if there was any justice in the world.

Exclaiming “But I can get this shit free with any Happy Meal!” while in the gift shop.

Spending all day in the World of Tomorrow Internet cafe, gaming the exchange rate in an attempt to turn a profit on your Disneyland Fun Bucks.

Telling staffers “You should build one of these overseas. The French just eat this kind of cheerily overdone bullshit up.”

Composing fan fiction anywhere with the park boundaries.

Jaywalking.

Entering the park dressed in a homemade, anatomically-correct mascot costume.

Informing Kurt Warner and his family that only “Super Bowl winners” are allowed to go to Disneyland.

Detained on charges of performing indecent fan fiction thereby corrupting many, many minors

Detained on charges of performing indecent fan fiction thereby corrupting many, many minors

Wandering around the set of High School Musical 4in a black trench coat.

Handing out pamphlets entitled: Anthropomorphism: Hell’s “Gateway” Drug?

Turning the It’s A Small Worldride into your personal soapbox to decry the failure of multi-cultural assimilation and/or a geography lesson explaining just how large the world actually is.

Asking for directions to Jellystone National Park.

Challenging any mascot to a/an:

  • Footrace
  • Arm wrestling match
  • Drinking contest
  • Round of strip poker

Referring to every other attraction as an “affront to God”

Demanding to see the Jonas Brothers Genetic Imagineering Compound to “verify the status of replacement Jonas Brothers, who will be released in case of sexual indiscretion, substance abuse, removal of purity rings or post-pubescent ugliness.”

Stating publicly “Sigfried and Roy’s bungalow during a weeklong amyl nitrate bender? Now that’s the true magic kingdom!”

Forging Scrooge McDuck’s signature as co-signer on your auto loan.

Asking if the next Mouseketeer reunion will be only open to successful, non-infamous “artists” or will it just be Britney Spears and Annette Funicello making out awkwardly for five minutes, “like last year.”

A bloated and drugged-up Sleeping Beauty, photographed only hours before her fatal overdose

A bloated and drugged-up Sleeping Beauty, photographed only hours before her fatal overdose

Failure to cover your children’s eyes whenever a pants-less Daisy Duck waddles by.

Outing the park’s heterosexual employees.

Holding a press conference to declare that your newly incorporated town, Hannah, MT is owed back payment on merchandising royalties.

Referring to park employees as “carnies” due to their refusal to produce a certified “Imagineering” degree.

Messing with the thermostat.

Making pretentious small talk during the tour. For instance:

“Goofy and Pluto, while both dogs, possess a ruling class/working class relationship. At a cursory glance they may appear to be equals. Further study of the two reveals vast differences. Goofy has clothes and can talk. Pluto, representing the long-exploited working class, is both literally and metaphorically naked and speechless, stripped of his protection and validity by his powerful owner…”

-CLT

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31 comments

  1. Not only hilarious but informative as well. What more can you ask for in a post? Oh yea, I know….humilating Kurt Warner!! Did I mention that I’m from Pittsburgh?

    PS that chick below this comment is really, really, really, ridiculously good looking!


    • Great to see you again, Scott!

      There’s always a chance that I will humiliate Kurt Warner in any given post. I have no idea why I feel I need to. I don’t have anything against him or the Cardinals in general. Maybe it has something to do with this earlier post:

      https://capitalistliontamer.wordpress.com/2009/06/03/man-vs-nature-v-2/

      I do love a good running gag. Much, much longer than most people would.

      See also: Clive Fucking Cussler


  2. My husband and I went to Disney World a while back and got stuck on the It’s a Small World ride. For twenty minutes. The song never stopped. We sat in the damned boat with crazy dolls relentlessly spinning and singing all around us for twenty minutes that went on and on for an eternity. It was the most terrifying experience of my life.

    I realize my story has nothing to do with what you posted. You just brought the memory back to the surface is all.


    • Ah, memories. Especially bad ones.

      I’m like therapy, only much, much cheaper. I’m a fan of the Voight-Kampff method myself. Does tend to result in a lot of dead analysts though.

      “Tell me only the good things you remember about your mother.”

      Nice to see you, Shannon. Thanks for stopping in.


  3. You’ve surprised me with the maligning of Susan Powter. I’m shocked. I thought you’d go after her born-again Christian charisma, but instead you snuck around the back door and hit her in the lesbian. Nice! Good old Kurt, he’s almost biblical himself. What with that arm that would make a young Jerry Rice cry; and with the brain that rivals Corky.

    As an aside-did you know that Lenny fucking Dykstra has made and lost a fortune in stocks since retiring? I just saw something on Stewart. How do miss this stuff. Dykstra really, really is retarded.


    • Welcome back, Scott. With Susan Powter I just went with the shot that felt the cheapest. It was hard to pick between the two angles, but that one just felt right.

      As someone said about Lenny Dykstra, retired prick and supposed financial guru: “If I had taken his advice I’d have a million dollars today; if I’d started with $100 million.”


  4. Spot-on Capitalist! I tell everyone I know that Vegas is more ‘real’ than Disney-dreck-Land.


    • Exactly, Elizabeth. And the sooner they make Vegas itself more obviously mobbed-up, the better off we’ll all be.

      Great to see you.


  5. Having grown up in So Cal, I am probably a little more sanguine than you are regarding the Magic Kingdom…oh, maybe you never dropped acid and rode Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride either. Funny stuff CLT.


    • Well, if it makes you feel better, you can always believe that this post only refers to EuroDisney.

      You are correct about Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. I went through that dead sober, a mistake I shan’t make again.

      Thanks for stopping in, FJ.


  6. Damned funny stuff. Been to Disney and have to say that the words “But I can get this shit free with any Happy Meal!” did run through my mind.

    And I’d love a copy of that pamphlet “Anthropomorphism: Hell’s “Gateway” Drug?” That’s the kind of ambigious but terrifying concept that we seniors can really get behind.

    Don


    • Don! What a pleasure to see you!

      Ambiguous and terrifying has sold more copies of many books than all the facts in the world. I think we all know which great book I am referring to. Steven King’s The Stand.

      Thanks for the comment, Don.


  7. That’s a pretty lengthy list CLT. So I take it you’ve been thrown out of the happiest place on Earth at least 20 times? At some point, I’m sure they imposed a lifetime ban?


    • It’s been so often that I have lost count. They haven’t but refuse to release the numbers to me.

      I have been making my own mascot costumes in an effort to skirt the ban, but so far it only seems to be adding to the number that they won’t release to me.


  8. As an animal I can relieve the speculation about the pre-transformation coitus of B&B. Blood and lots of it. Wow, that even makes me want to vomit. Horrible, just horrible!


    • You are free to speculate and vomit OUTSIDE of the Magic Kingdom. Try parking lot levels M-Z or Universal Studios.

      Just following your trail, RR. You can let your guard down, Rooster, these hills don’t really have eyes…


  9. What do Donald Duck and Daisy Duck have in common? A pantless ass, apparently! 😀

    Those photos were a crack up. It made me think that Disneyland should create a section of their theme park just for these miscreants where they could all hang out together. Even if it were a dungeon, they might be happy, because it’s Disneyland, after all (and they might still be able to hear the fireworks at night through the Styrofoam walls).


    • Ducks and pants don’t mix, apparently, much to the dismay of overprotective parents everywhere.

      If they ever do build some sort of on-site penal colony composed of errant “cast members,” I’m pretty sure they could double their income by selling tour tickets.


  10. I think I missed my calling not going for the Imagineering degree…


    • Yeah, you kind of missed out there. If you decide to follow up on that, make sure you laminate that degree. Any spilled liquid tends to make the ink run.


  11. Your posts are timeless. Just as funny (if not funnier) the second time around.

    If you had two robots, you’d have it made:


    • Mystery Science Theatre 3000? I loved that fucking show.

      And I also watched that last movie featured in the clip. It used footage from the original Battlestar Galactica for space-battle scenes.


    • Many, many thanks, bschooled. Being compared to at least 1/3 of the MST3K castaways is high praise indeed. Someday I’ll have some robots, and then everything will fall into place, presumably.


  12. Bschooled … “I am the lemon zester of destruction.” Lolol….


  13. I still stand behind my original comment.


  14. […] CLT: Note to Self: and What Not to Do in the Magic Kingdom […]


  15. Somehow I got a mental image of Fred Phelps and his clan picketing Disney World. And what an amusing image that was!


    • In no time at all, he’ll have turned it into “The Bitterest Place on Earth.” Maybe he could have some sort of “accident” in the knee-deep water surround the “It’s A Small World” ride.


  16. They call it Mauschwitz for a reason. It may look all happy and cute, but they work their staff to death and security does does NOT fuck around.

    Last time I was there, my bag was searched more throughly than the pimple faced losers at the airport did. I was fingerprinted (middle finger) as if they had caught me finger-banging some kid on It’s A Small World. They also made me sign my name to the fingerprint card (Slobodan Milosevic) and asked me for a Zip Code (90210).

    I then experienced 2 ride breakdowns that day, one trapping me in Nemo’s Underwater Adventure, where I spent over half an hour listening to a 15 second loop of “Hey, Nemo! Over here!” and annoying laughter. This was, no doubt, an attempt to get me to admit to being an Al-Qaeda operative.

    The NUMBER ONE rule at Disney is not to fuck with the mouse. Kick Mickey in the nuts or deface a “hidden Mickey” and they’ll take you to a secret room down in The Pirates Of The Caribbean , the Gitmo Room and the experience will seem pretty damn real. In fact, the original skeletons on the LA version of the ride were real human remains.

    You should also be careful about this little secret regarding The Partners Statue located in front of Cinderella’s Castle. See it here.
    http://www.listropolis.com/2008/03/6-disney-secrets-youll-wish-you-never-read/
    Mickey’s nose gives Walt raging wood! And why not? The rodent is responsible for giving Walt a multi-billion dollar empire. Hey, if I were him, I’d get one too.

    However, considering Mickey was voiced by Walt, the Mickey induced boner brings up all kinds of masturbatory imagery that would just stick in your mind every time you see Mickey.


  17. Another thing you shouldn’t do at Disney is talk about Flash Mountain.

    The Splash Mountain ride has proved to be a bit of a Tar Baby for the park. The Song Of The South inspired ride had potential for accusations of racism due to a scene in the book where Brer Rabbit is ensnared by the sticky black stereotype, Tar Baby. Instead, Disney made it so Brer Rabbit was ensnared by the sticky female stereotype, The Honey-pot. Honey-pots are also responsible for the other trouble associated with the ride, flashers.

    In order to make more money off of its suckers -er- “Guests”, Disney installed cameras to take pictures of Guests as they drop down the big water-chute without asking “Hey, want a picture?” first. These embarrassing photos are posted on monitors in the gift shop at the exit for all to see. The plan is to sell the photos to those still hopped up on adrenaline and/or dumb enough to buy lousy, vastly overpriced pictures of themselves screaming like little girls which they will throw away within a week or two.

    Maybe the Tar Baby leeched something into the water, but some females who may or may not know pictures are being taken, expose their breasts or have them exposed by others. Family friendly Disney assigned a screener to filter these pictures out so that everybody in the gift shot was denied the chance to see boobies. When some of these shots wound up on the Internet, Disney went ape shit.

    They tried to sick their lawyers on any website displaying the pictures and cracked down on guests who dared to adjust their clothing for a couple seconds in a dark tunnel tunnel where nobody but Disney could see them. In a bizarre Orwellian move, they actually put up a secret camera to watch the employee assigned to watch results of a secret camera. No word if they completed the Millennium self-eating snake by having a camera watching the employee assigned to watch the employee watching the camera. But rumour has it, they spied on Splash Mountain employees while outside the park.

    Disney did everything but the one thing that would’ve actually stopped the photo leaks; taking the camera down.

    Despite all this, a few more pictures trickled out and, in a world of free, hi-def, on-line porn movies, these poor quality photos are still easy to find 15 years later. (Warning: Link contains shots of boobies, which are apparently evil.)
    http://www.flashmountain.net/ Even if they knew their pictures were being taken, I’m sure no flasher had any idea pictures of their boobs would still be around for all to see today.

    And this just in:
    http://miceage.micechat.com/allutz/al042109a.htm
    History may be repeating itself!



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