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Note to Self:

August 31, 2010
Drawing "Internal Dialogue" = Instant Pictionary FAIL

Drawing "Internal Dialogue" = Instant Pictionary FAIL

[I honestly don’t know why I can’t bang out lists like this anymore. I’m hoping that means I’m “honing my craft.” Somehow I doubt it. Thanks for your patience and re-reading. Orignally published 08/12/2009.]

The bear cub was happier playing by itself.

Nothing goes to “11.” Not even my lovemaking.

RIAA lawyers do not have a sense of humor.

Neither does the Border Patrol.

A killing spree becomes a lot less forgivable once the phrase “multi-state” is attached to it.

Professional bodybuilders are incredibly sensitive about the size of their penises.

Personal phone calls probably do not need to be recorded for “quality assurance.”

The phrase “Only you can start forest fires” would seem to be a hell of a lot more accurate.

Describing your bedroom as being “where the magic happens” is not accurate on several levels. Plus, it makes family gatherings awkward.

A magician could probably say that about their bedroom. It would work on, like, all levels.

It would be awesome to be a magician!

The boss has begun to use the south entrance, which is a blind spot, especially when digging through his desk.

Those warning labels on industrial adhesives aren’t fucking around.

Man, these casts really make your legs itch. On a related note, the Wu-Tang Clan really ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Stop assuming everyone is just “impersonating” a police officer.

“Load bearing” and “extraneous” are not synonymous.

Using the phrase “You can have x when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers” in prison is less of a threat and more of an invitation.

There is a time and place for everything, except possibly your impression of Christopher Reeve as a lifeguard.

Hookers will never agree with the phrase “It all pays the same.”

Try to be more specific about “casual dress” in the future.

Bar managers and owners would prefer to be the ones to decide when drinks are “on the house.”

Take the blue pill.

Whoever said “That which does not kill you makes you stronger,” obviously wasn’t considering suicide attempts. Or muscular dystrophy.

Apparently, a “multi-state killing spree” is not a “victimless crime.” Also, remember to set aside more income for legal defense as these public defenders are bullshit.

Also complete bullshit: Dear Abby’s legal advice.

Your scuffle with two African-American youths at the nightclub was probably not the “tipping point” in American race relations. So you can probably stop writing angry letters to the editors of Jet Magazine.

Lefty knew what he was talking about. Don’t stick your hand in there.

“It’s going to get a whole lot worse before it gets any better” has been describing way too many life events lately.

You don’t have to publish every half-ass idea you have.

-CLT

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28 comments

  1. Another note to self: The saying “fucked up like bone cancer” is not funny, especially when (as you are quickly informed) you are at a party celebrating someone’s uncles bone cancer remission.

    Having worked with several Border Patrol folks as well as many cops, I disagree with your assessment of their sense of humor. They do have a sense of humor. The problem is, what they think is funny, for example, catching someone with steroids hidden in their ice tea, is not funny to the man (i.e. baseball player) caught with his ‘roids so cleverly concealed. (True story).

    Another disagreement: You, CLT, go to 11.


  2. I would imagine the “bone cancer” saying was funny, right up until the moment when you received the party’s theme. And, as any “humor” blogger will tell you, just because no one is lauging doesn’t mean it’s not funny.

    Then again, in the case of law enforcement, a sense of perspective helps when sorting out the funny. Most likely a “two nuns and a blacksmith walk into the bar” joke will not distract them from the semi trailer full of illegals, no matter how filthy the punchline.

    Thanks for visiting Overconfident, and a hearty thanks for deeming me worthy of an “11.”


    • You’re a 1…OK maybe a 2…in my book. However, that does put you well into the upper 5 percentile.


  3. I agree. You’re at least an 11 on so many levels. You’re like a smart Wile E. Coyote. Super genius.


    • I concur.


    • Thanks CC and bschooled. You’re very kind.

      Unless, of course, you are referring to my constant state of near-death thanks to my addiction to ACME mail-order devices.

      Good to see you, CC and bschooled. Thanks for visiting.


  4. Note to self, other people can read CLT’s thoughts.


    • We can read yours too, Rooster.

      And btw, you’re an 11 too.


    • It’s true, RR. My mind is like an open book that won’t shut up.

      CC is right about the 11. You definitely are.

      So, I guess I’ll see you when we go clothes shopping at the Plus 1 Men’s Fashion.


  5. Do you have to enter the store with pants, if you intend on buying pants? Just need to know…


    • It says something to that effect on the door, but just remind the staff that you “go to 11, if you know what I’m saying.” While they’re summoning upper management and local law enforcement, feel free to shop.


  6. Its hard to know if quitter never wins or if it is a winner that never quits

    If these boots were made for walkin, what am I still doing sitting here?

    If we dont use the lift in case their is a fire, what other precautions should we be taking?

    Clearly, the list is endless…..


    • In order:

      1. Yes. And no. (Respectively.)
      2. Reading the return policy fine print.
      3. Your options include either escalators or exterior windows. Also, asbestos everything.

      The list could very well be…


  7. Re: Wu-Tang. Solid advice.


    • Wu Tang fo’evuh, beyatch!


    • Yes. You’d think that would be abundantly clear from their publicity photos. But still, someone always wants to stick their hand into the fire…


  8. So you’re back?? Thank God.

    “The phrase “Only you can start forest fires” would seem to be a hell of a lot more accurate.” This is very true.

    I will take several of the blue pills, by the way.


    • Not back. In spirit (and reruns) only.

      The blue pills are on the way, accompanied by a black man in sunglasses and a ridiculous (and perhaps impossible) trenchcoat. He will be accompanied by a blank-eyed dullard, also in sunglasses and trenchcoat.

      Oddly enough, the brainstem operator is the moneymaker in this pair…


    • What about a spandex clad, dark haired, vixen? Any of those present? If so, I’ll take whatever she’s offering.


  9. I follow a dude on Twitter whose account is named “shitmydadsays”…he has over 1.5 million followers. Here is a sample of his ‘shit’:

    “See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I’m thinking; How can I give less of shit? That’s why I look interested.”

    “A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”

    “You look just like Stephen Hawking…Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?… Fine. Forget I said it.”

    “Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don’t waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down.”

    I would love to create an account called “stuffcapitalistliontamersays”…your quips, witticisms and observations are a gold mine.


    • Posting pictures of my shits could get 1 million Twits to follow me like zombies in search of brains.

      No, having Capitalist Lion Tamer right here is just fine!


    • I don’t think I’m reliable enough to handle Tweeting. I can hardly be counted on to keep up with my backlog of comments.

      And “shit…” is on our blogroll, adding yet another tempting reason to head elsewhere.


  10. I loved the one about that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger being a fallacy regarding Muscular Dystrophy (and other degenerative, terminal diseases).

    Hear hear!


    • Yeah, for it being a so-called “truism,” it sure has a lot of holes in it.

      Thanks for the visit, Stuff.


  11. Yeah!


    • I’m picking up what you’re truncetedly laying down, somebody. Thanks for the upbeat cheering.


  12. […] Note to Self: and What Not to Do in the […]


  13. […] From Capitalist Lion Tamer […]



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