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The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 3

August 28, 2010
[The final installment. Originally published Nov. 11, 2009.]

Welcome back to our third, and quite possibly, last installment in the Emmy-award winning instructional series, the Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth. If you would like to catch up with the rest of the class, please click the following links:
Part I
Part II

This edition will deal with the decisions following the delivery (or as we call it, “afterbirth”). Please bear in mind that most of these decisions will have multiple choices, meaning there is no wrong way to proceed.*

*Except for the “do not do’s” listed below. Do not do those.

Young Starshine Freelove Wilson began to regret ever being born.

Post-Delivery Plans
Now that all the screaming and bloodletting is over, it’s time to celebrate your ability to create life through the magical act of “getting some.”

As your partner heads back to her area for some much-needed drugs and reconstructive surgery, feel free to take a victory lap around your Contact list, letting all your friends and relatives in on the vital statistics:

  • Sex (“It’s a boy!“)
  • Weight (“Less than infinity.”)
  • Length (“Well, keep in mind that he’s less than 4 hours old and the room was a little cold, but I’d say a little under an inch.”)
  • Birth Time (“Shortly after my explanation about the “thing” I had with her sister. Well, half-sister, if you want to get technical.”)
  • Visiting Hours (“I’m sure she’d be happy to see you any time! You say you’re in the lobby? Come on up! She should be back from her crotch-stitching any minute now.”)

Or you can skip the procedure, in which case your child will be ambushed by the physician sometime in his mid-30's.

Circumcision
This used to be an easy decision (“Of course!”) but recently there has been somewhat of a backlash against it.

Simple rule of thumb: make your kid’s package look like yours. In addition to it being somewhat of a bizarre bonding thing, it will also help you avoid awkward conversations with your unsnipped son in the future.

Son: “Dad, why does your [insert stupid ‘penis’ replacement word here] look different than mine?
You: “Good question. You see, my parents were raised in a different era and they made a decision based on an outmoded set of morals…”
Son: “Oh. Are you talking about why they decided not to abort you?”
You: “I think you’re spending too much time with your mom.”

You say this book only contains the "best" baby names? I'll take two!

Choosing a Name
As the proud owner of a brand new child (with that awesome “new child smell”), you will be tempted to saddle your offspring with an imaginative name currently in use by no one else. The potent combination of anxiety and sleeplessness will play tricks on your fragile mind, raising the possibility of cursing your child with a lifetime of humiliation (“Chad Kroeger, Jr.”) or an early death (“River Phoenix,” “Jet Travolta”).

Stick with the classics like Justin or Michael. For the girls, try Jennifer or Jessica. These are great, nearly-Biblical names that have never been associated with skanky, marginal or vapid celebrities.

Some more examples:

  • Gallant – Yes; Goofus – No
  • Jermaine – Yes; Tito – No
  • Jessica – Yes; Ashlee – No
  • Billy Ray – No; Miley – No
  • George Michael – Yes; Andrew Ridgely – No
  • Rozz – Yes; Valor – No
  • Uma – Yes; Oprah – No
  • Sunny – No; Cher – No; Chastity – No
  • Philip – Yes; Yancy – No
  • Fresca – Yes; Tab – No
  • Jif – Yes; Nutella – No

Heavy-handed metaphors exceeding 24 tons exit here.

The Future
Once you have your new arrival home with you, it’s time to start mapping out his life, starting with learning to read in multiple languages by age 3 and culminating in his Master’s degree from Harvard 20 years down the road, at which point you’ll be able to live off his earnings as a groundbreaking inventor/#1 draft pick.

You both will pick out hereditary traits you wish to encourage:

You:
Keep – Famous wit; full head of hair
Toss – Lack of self-motivation; blogger’s insecurity

Her:
Keep – Your full head of hair
Toss – Everything else, starting with that “famous wit”

You can also speculate on some “fallback” options for your pressured child, in case you have set the bar too high.* Some other acceptable choices are fireman, cowboy, homosexual, philosophy professor, protestor-for-hire, SAG member, hitman, psychic friend.

* As if.

Then sit back and watch reality set in as you come to the realization that the TV is doing a better job raising your child than you ever did while trying to keep the saving account/bail fund full of emergency cash.

-CLT

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21 comments

  1. Crotch stitching would suck. I mean really suck. Why would anyone get pregnant if they had to go through that? I’m still wincing.

    I loved the names; yes/no. Hilarious. Although I did meet Yancy Thigpen once and he was a hell of a nice guy, so I think that one should be a yes. You do need to have a talk with the modern black women though; they are getting really crazy with this naming shit lately.


    • I’ll give Yancy a tenative “yes,” but I may still hold out due to my love of Futurama. As for speaking with the modern black women, I’ll leave that to Dr. Phil and his bald, fat wisdom.

      Crotch-stitching seems like a horrible reward for bringing a new life into the world. Although, after meeting some people’s kids, I wonder why they just didn’t stitch the whole thing closed.

      Great to see you, Scott.


  2. Who needs After-Sex Education classes when they have the Fancy Plans Guide To Childbirth Volumes 1-3? Great stuff, CLT.

    Like I always say, you are the master of your (and everyone else’s) domain.


    • Thanks, bschooled. Who needs sex ed anyway? Certainly not the pregnant teens, who have visible proof of their willingness to do their homework. And certainly not the purity ring crowd, who probably will be way ahead of the curve when it comes to, well, coming. Premature, some might say.

      As for being the master of my domain, WordPress would beg to differ until I can scrape together the $40 or so needed to own the name. I don’t do any domain squatting, if that’s what you’re insinuating. Not because of my morals, but because of my laziness.

      Wonderful to see you again, bschooled.


  3. My son asked me why he was circumcised and I told him there were two reasons: 1. He would look like is dad; and, 2. So his weiner would NOT look like the siphon of a clam or an anteater, for that matter.


    • Hahaha!!!

      Evocative words there, FJ. Truly mind-searing. Thanks for that. I’ll use that quote exactly should the question arise.


  4. Rozz – Yes; Valor – No

    Hahahahaha! Too fucking rich. Oh, and agreed.

    Pah! Valor… Yeah, right.

    Thank you for combining Christian Death with baby names. Not enough bloggers do that these days. In fact, I can’t find a single “what to name the baby” blog that has considered the Roz/Valor issue.

    It’s enough to make me despair for parents everywhere and society as a whole.

    But then the feeling passes and I go out for long walks on the beach with my bong.


    • Thanks, alantru. I’m surprised that no one has considered the “Christian Death” factor when naming their children. They obviously didn’t do it when Valor was born and looked what happened to him, and more importantly, to the legacy of Christian Death.

      People: naming a kid is not like naming a pet or houseplant. Please choose carefully. The legacy of an influential band may rest in your hands.

      Peter – yes; Phil – no.


  5. Jolly good show!


    • You’re my favorite temporary Brit, RR. No one can take that away from you. Except perhaps RF, with his ungodly love of soccer.


  6. Football fooker!


  7. Not only did I run (crying) from the delivery room as a nursing student from my first (and only…whew!) delivery, I also hauled ass from my first bris when the baby started screaming. Maybe it was my breech birth that traumatized me and ‘set the tone’ for what would follow. Sounds like you handled the whole delivery thing like a champ, Capitalist. I’m guessing (hoping) they inherited your wit and razor-sharp intellect. If I were so fortunate to live a very long life, I would look forward to reading their blogs as well.


    • Many thanks for that, elizabeth. Not so much for the descriptive first half, but for the compliment-filled second half. I, too, would like an opportunity to see what happens when my kids let cynicism set in completely around their mid-30’s.

      They’ve certainly inherited my lackadasical attitude and foul mouth.


  8. […] CLT: The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 2 and The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 3 […]


  9. Yr child birth series was almost more enlightening than giving birth to The Boy himself, accept that along with ‘crotch stitching’ I also had the pleasure of a midwife inserting a finger up my anus just to ‘check she had sewn the right bits together’, I tell you, it was just what I needed at the time…..


    • Ha! There’s nothing more disturbing than childbirth, both the actual act and the aftermath. No one ever tells you that you might soil yourself either. That’s a surprise all gynos let mothers-to-be discover on their own.

      I assume the bits were sewn together correctly?


  10. When the Doc came for my foreskin, I pissed in his face, grabbed the scalpel with both of my little hands, stabbed him in the dick and said “Take that, motherfucker! How do YOU like it, bitch?”

    Then I took a shot of rubbing alcohol and copped a feel off one of the nurses and got the hell out of there in an electric wheelchair.

    Male Genital Mutilation is just as barbaric as Female Genital Mutilation http://www.who.int/mediacentre/factsheets/fs241/en/ and is done for largely the same bullshit reasons. In my book, these guys http://mgmbill.org/faq.htm are fucking heroes.

    If you can’t preform this religious indoctrination that passes itself off as a so-called “medical procedure” to an adult without his consent, you shouldn’t be able to do it to a defenceless child.

    If some idiot wants to take advantage of the controversial “health benefits” of genital mutilation, you can choose to do it as an adult and gain about as much/little out of it. If people want to mutilate themselves as consenting adults, go for it. (Link Not Safe For Work…or people with taste!) http://bodypiercingpictures.painfulpleasures.com/showgallery.php?cat=517

    In fact, they should do the species a favour and chop the whole thing off before reproducing and weakening the gene pool.


    • Circumcision can be a sensitive topic. The only option is to handle it delicately, much like I have above, or with cigar-chomping aplomb, much like stabby Sedate Me, who seems to have channeled the baby from “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

      I went foreskin-off, much like my parents and their parents and etc. It just seemed to be a streak I didn’t want to see end. Plus, no uncomfortable talks about why everyone’s junk doesn’t match up.


    • You went “foreskin off”?

      Did you choose freely as an adult, or did your parents treat you like livestock and brand you with their cultural mark without your permission? Or, did the hospital do it all on their own without asking? I heard that still happens in some hospitals, which is deeply concerning for several reasons.

      I know some people consider it the removal of an unnecessary part, but you never hear young boys ask “Daddy, why don’t I have an appendix?”

      I choose, and continue to choose, to go “all original parts included”. Ain’t nobody going anywhere near my junk with anything sharp! (Teeth excluded, if you know what I mean.)


  11. Here’s some name suggestions off the top of my head:

    George Foreman
    Bob Terwilliger the 3rd
    Adolph
    Maury
    Ennui
    Despair
    Burden
    Foreclosure
    Oops

    and, just for The Prisoner fans out there,
    Number One/Number Two.


    • I’m partial to Foreclosure 🙂



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