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The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 2

August 24, 2010
[Continuing on in the series. Originally published Nov. 26th, 2009.]

If you’re just joining us, be sure and check out the Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 1, in which we covered Pre-Delivery Preparations, Driving Arrangements and Checking In.

The modern delivery room: inviting as all hell.

The Delivery Room
This is where the miracle of childbirth happens.*

* If any attending medical personnel refer to the “miracle” of childbirth, have them replaced immediately with competent personnel. Otherwise, these starry-eyed attendants will be voting down the epidural and suggesting your wife deliver the baby in the nearest swimming pool. The only people who should be referring to this as a “miracle” are you and your wife.**
** Your wife will not be referring to this as a “miracle” as the word “miracle” tends to indicate something effortless and painless. In fact, it will most likely be referred to as a “curse” or “cruel joke” that is inflicted on all women by uncaring, useless men. Namely, by you on her.

Your doctor will now ask your partner to do any number of impossible things, like “breath easily,” “get comfortable” and “stop swearing.” You, as the man, have exactly two directions to follow: shut up and get out of the way.

Your partner may be saying something like, “The baby’s coming now!” Base your reactions on the actions of the medical team. Depending on the woman, “right now” can mean anywhere from ten minutes to thirty-six hours. Until they spring into action, find somewhere uncomfortable and take a seat.

While you browse 30-year-old copies of Highlights and AARP pamphlets, nurses will shuttle in and out checking vital signs like blood pressure and dilation. (Based on your previous answer, you will be greatly surprised at where the nurses believe your partner’s pupils are located.)

While the breech position earns more points for complexity, it almost always loses points for presentation.

The Delivery
As the contractions kick in and your partner’s physical exertion increases, the heady cocktail of pain, emotion and hormones will often result in you being held accountable for everything that has every gone wrong in the history of ever, due to your constant jackassery and inconsiderate actions. Try not to take this personally, you thoughtless prick.

As the swearing and unpleasantness continue, do your best to support your partner by saying as little as possible. Long-forgotten arguments and other points of contention will rise to the surface, starting from “You bastard!” and continuing on to touchy subjects such as these:

  • Why you insist on continuing your questionable bloodline
  • Why your parents insisted on continuing theirs
  • The size of your genitalia in relation to past, better-endowed lovers
  • The size of your shoes in comparison to the starting five of the L.A. Lakers
  • Your million-and-one annoying habits
  • Your childlike insecurity about having your genital size discussed in a room full of complete strangers, most of them women
  • Your “thing” for golf
  • Your “fucking” of her sister
  • Your selfishness in allowing her to suffer the agony of childbirth alone

Try not to respond to any of these statements. Rebuttals such as “Well, you were the one who vetoed my contraceptive plan of anal sex and blowjobs,” or “In all fairness, she’s only your half-sister,” will only make the situation worse.

However, if your nurse is an attractive and "handsy" lesbian, by all means document the shit out of the delivery.

Documenting the “Miracle”
Despite the unpleasantness of everything involved, certain new father types will insist on aiming the camera at ground zero during the delivery and immediately uploading the video to the nearest public website.

If you feel you are one of these men, please consult a physician about an emergency vasectomy. You are too obtuse to be allowed to raise further, well-documented children. If you are uninsured, feel free to punch yourself in the crotch until the urge to start filming vanishes.

Some new fathers will feel this way out of ignorance. Let Fancy Plans break it down for you.

Remember the chestburster scene from Alien? Well, that’s what going to happen here. But instead of John Hurt’s chest it will occur in a body part that your are most likely particularly fond of. And instead of it being a slim, efficient killing machine, it will be an incredibly large and grumpy miniature human being that will drive you both to an early grave over the next 18-30 years.

If you still feel this is a beautiful moment that must e shared with others, then you are probably related to David Cronenberg or H.R. Giger.

If this is a C-Section, the rule still applies. Just replace “vaginaburst” with “disembowel.”

Coming up in the final installment: Post-Delivery Plans, Circumcision, Naming Your Child and Planning for the Future.

-CLT

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12 comments

  1. One of your better ones.

    I’m giddy with delight and soaked with anticipation. The “Vaginaburst” (aka boner killer) is on a crash-course with yours truly.

    Got Milk?


    • Thanks, Zach.

      Have fun with the “miracle” of childbirth. Once all the yelling and leaking are over, it’s time to open your hearts and wallets for the newest addition, who will steal both, roughly in that order.

      Great to see you. Thanks for the comment.


  2. Ooh, I love Highlights! I love this post too; I’m learning so much. If only this kind of info had been around years ago, it could have saved me a lot of embarrassment.

    May I offer a list of what not to do (based solely on personal trial and error) during this life changing rite of ‘passage?’ I’ll take your silence as a green light.

    Do not…

    -Slip the IV tube out of her arm while she’s momentarily passed out and start sucking it. While it may be filled with mood elevating opiates, it’s just not worth the agro. Or the criminal charges.
    -Yell, “Oh my God, this is SO gross.”
    -Tell the orderly she looks hot in that uniform
    -Bet 5 grand on the Packers (giving 11) if your baby comes January 25, 1998.
    -Ask your wife if it’s ok if you bring your girlfriend in.
    -Stand on the toilet and smoke. –the smoke alarm will go off causing a fuss.
    -Pass out in the waiting room with a bottle of scotch.
    -Ask the attending nurse for your own morphine drip.


    • Highlights was way ahead of its time which was roughly 60 years ago. I believe they just print the same issue over and over again with the occasional splash of colored leaves to let you know the seasons have changed. (This is especially disheartening if you are still waiting for some service at the ER.)

      You may certainly offer up a list. That’s what we do here. It’s a collective schtick without all the Red sympathizing.

      You’d think these nurses would have seen it all. After all, old movies show visibly shaken (and drunken) fathers-to-be pacing the waiting room smoking up to 4 cigarettes at a time.

      Thanks for the comment/list, Scott.


  3. This is some good stuff, a good run. Me like.


    • Thanks, RR. I felt it might be a little much to take in one sitting, much like being a parent. Sometimes you just have to let Social Services do the rearing for awhile.


  4. Is that a supine Gumby in the delivery room? Why is he brown? Is that a tank of nitrous in the corner? Is that R2-D2 getting ready to ‘administer’ to Gumby? Why is there a hovercraft in the room? Looks like some kind of star formation going on over….what? I can’t get another Percodan? WTF?!?


    • It all seems pretty scary but the doctor will assure you that, “Don’t worry. The leg rests are capable of handling a 230-degree angle. Oh, and the straps are for you! Good question!”


  5. The fact that the delivery room photo is very reminiscent of a lethal injection room is quite telling.

    First, historically speaking, childbirth was a very popular method of putting women to death. Men who had grown tired of “riding the old nag” would impregnate their women over and over, until they finally died and freed the man from the bonds of matrimonotony. Most of them then fell victim to the allure of younger trim. But after a while, the cycle eventually repeated itself. Ah, the good ol’ days.

    Second, the photo is a stark reminder of what will happen to your life upon a successful “miracle”. “Miraculously”, the life you have known and loved will die forever. You have been given a death sentence. No more drinking with your buddies without punishment. No more bowling with the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes. No more nice, clean, quilt-free, affairs. You will be stuck in a sleepless prison of diapers, baby clothes and baby toys; followed by searches for daycare, toddler clothes and toddler toys; followed by searches for for schools, tween fashions and tech toys; followed by pregnancy tests, more diapers, maternity fashions and baby toys. Along the way, there will multiple mortgages, tuitions, car financings, bankruptcies and rehabs.

    If it didn’t involve a quack rooting around my junk with a sharp object, I’d get my tubes tied this very afternoon.


    • Loved that first line, Sedate Me (hehe).


    • While you’re correct on all counts with what raising a child is like, you’re forgetting the intangible benefits of bringing another life into the world. Like, um… tax deductions. And… a bunch of other stuff that is deemed “priceless,” mainly because it has no value.

      In other words, kids are like the box of romance novels at the garage sale. You know, the box under the table marked “Free” that’s just as full at 4 pm as it is at 7 am.


  6. […] The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: Volume 2 and The Fancy Plans Guide to Childbirth: […]



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