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Fancy Plans… Guide to Rock and Roll (More Requests & Old Favorites)

August 16, 2010
[Another from the Way Back Machine. Originally appeared 05/23/09.]

Another edition of the Fancy Plans… Guide to World Domination thru Misinformation (finally!). Feast your eyes on these delicious chunks of san-serif text and badly-captioned photos.

The Fancy Plans... Guide to Fighting Tin Lizzy

The Fancy Plans... Guide to Fighting Thin Lizzy

Thin Lizzy
Formed in 1967 in Dublin, Ireland and still regarded to this day as “the only band to have come out of Ireland,” Thin Lizzy featured two former members of Them, whose lead singer was a young Jim “Van” Morrison. Morrison’s penchant for impromptu poetry slams and malfunctioning trousers frequently found the band at the receiving end of police brutality.

The epitome of 70’s rock, Thin Lizzy released their biggest hit, The Boys Are Back in Townduring the pinnacle of rock’s power (allmusic.com pinpoints this as ca. 1974-1978). Thin Lizzy’s “definitive” sound and “unique” lyrics allowed them to sound more like everyone else than anyone else.  Among the songs that could quite possibly be theirs:

  • You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet
  • Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room
  • Hair of the Dog
  • American Band
  • Slow Ride
  • Roll On Down the Highway
  • Lost Inside Your Love
  • Rock & Roll Hootchie-Koo
  • Life’s Been Good to Me
  • Teenage Kicks
According to Brownsville Station's concert rider, they were to be accompanied by a minstrel at all times.

According to Brownsville Station's concert rider, they were to be accompanied by a minstrel at all times.

Brownsville Station
Formed in Michigan in 1970, Brownsville Station scored a minor hit with their cover of Thin Lizzy’s Smokin’ in the Boys Room. True success came later with 1977’s Martian Boogie, an influential space-rock track that post-dated the scene by nearly 10 years. Championed tirelessly by British tastemaker, Dr. John Demento, Brownsville Station recorded four classic Demento Sessions.

Christian Death's first lineup featuring Anthony Soprano Jr.

Christian Death's first lineup featuring Anthony Soprano Jr.

Christian Death
Formed in L.A. in 1979, Christian Death combined two staples of the goth rock scene (hatin’ on Christians; acrimonious splits) into a swaggering proto-deathrock nightmare. A nightmare for band members.

Original lead singer Rozz Williams left the group and former guitarist Valor promoted himself to lead-singer-for-life. Rozz tried to retain sole ownership of the Christian Death name but, as they were hardly a real band and not anywhere close to being on a real label, he was unable to do so. Various band members came and left and by 1983, there were no fewer than 16 Christian Death configurations touring, often opening for each other all around the Midwest.

Rozz Williams detached himself fully from the convoluted mess and devoted his time to his various sideprojects, including: Premature Ejaculation, Erectile Dysfunction, Inability to Achieve Orgasm, Female Pattern Dryness and Pee-shy.

Just really not that current at all.

Just really not that current at all.

Current 93
Death folksters whose name, much like Prince’s 1999, means less with each passing year.

house_of_pain811

Everlast models the primary form of Irish communication.

House of Pain
There’s nothing about this group of white rappers that hasn’t been better said by me already.

Chuck E. Cheese engineers prepare to scare the bejeezus out of your kids.

Chuck E. Cheese engineers prepare to scare the bejeezus out of your kids.

Kraftwerk
A joint effort of Disney Imagineers and the Ford Motor Co., as a tribute to all things German and nationalistic. Kraftwerk are fully-functioning animatronic showroom dummies and their icy synths and metronomic beats have captured the fascination of children worldwide, including Georgio Moroder and Afrika Bambaata. Now on permanent display at EuroDisney, they entertain dozens of people yearly with their hits Trans-Europe Blitzkrieg, Tour de France and Whalers on the Moon.

Previously on the Fancy Pants… Guide to Rock & Roll
Vol. 1
Vol. 2 (Requests)

-CLT

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22 comments

  1. That Kraftwerk thing…it’s like an autopsy. Fascinating, yet revolting. I can see why kids would be entranced, and then also need many years of therapy afterward. And that Current Ninety-Three album cover is cool. Sort of Mucha-esque, art deco-ish or something. Of course, I have nothing to say about the music.


    • Hey, BKT. Always good to see you.

      EuroDisney’s slogan is “The Soul-Scarringest Place on Earth,” so the exhibit fits right in. Not only does that damage the psyche, but the entire last-person-on-earth feeling you get from wandering around an inordinately cheerful ghost town doesn’t help.

      As for Current 93, you can see I could scarcely be bothered to say anything about their music either.


  2. Oh, such a litany of factual errors… How anyone could confuse Thin Lizzy and Brownsville Station is beyond me, but I am told these things happen.

    Thin Lizzy were actually formed in a petri dish by Gavin Friday’s old man, George Tuesday (aka: “Crazy Old Irish Scientist and Drunk Guy”).

    Thin Lizzy featured two former members of Them, whose lead singer was a young Jim “Van” Morrison… Sorry to have to correct you on this but it was actually a young Keanu Reeves.

    Among the songs that could quite possibly be theirs:

    You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet (yes)

    Smokin’ in the Boys’ Room (yes)

    Hair of the Dog (no, this was written by Fun Boy Three)

    American Band (written by famous Scottish band Alvin and the Chipmunks – later known as Jesus Jones and The Chipmonks after discovering God, in a public toilet, in Omaha)

    Slow Ride (written by Toronto 70’s band “Crowbar” I think… They lyrics are “Oh what a feeling, what a rush…” Yes?)

    Roll On Down the Highway (Nope. Written by Bachman Apple Turnover Drive)

    Lost Inside Your Love (Nah. I wrote that one)

    Rock & Roll Hootchie-Koo (Pretty sure this was written by The Undertones)

    Life’s Been Good to Me (yes)

    Teenage Kicks (Pretty sure this was written by Rick Derringer)

    Carrying on…

    Brownsville Station were formed in a photonic crystal fiber based on a pair of long-period fiber gratings. (Honestly, would it kill you to do a bit of research?)

    All the rest is correct. And hilarious. Hilariously correct. I’m rambling but I’m allowed. It’s my blog. Wait a minute, where am I…?

    Christian Death

    Hahaha. “Young Anthony Soprano” Thanks for not mentioning Rozz’s tragic suicide. That would have been depressing.

    Current 93 (please remove the photograph of me.)

    House of Pain. Agreed.

    Kraftwerk. No such band exists. That is a photo taking at the Octoberfest Oom-Pa-Pa Festival. Please remove.


    • Still laughing…wow…

      As for the research, I’m fairly sure that the TOS for WordPress specifically stated that research was not allowed. Something about if I wanted to be an actual journalist, then I should take my pompous, degreed ass over to the New York Times or Washington Post or TMZ.

      In fact, I think the WordPress slogan is: “Opinions are like assholes. Want a blog?”

      Thank you for the corrections and the awesome comment.


    • Cheers. Great post. Again and as always!


  3. Alantru – were Keanu’s pants also malfunctioning when he was allegedly with Them?


  4. That’s spot on. You have so many instant classic lines,(and still regarded to this day as “the only band to have come out of Ireland”). Brownsville Station? Could you invent a worse name than that? Please provide me with a short list.


    • RR-

      Great to have you here, although my spam filter still is insistent that you are trying to sell me some Enzyte or Conficker or something. I’ve tried yelling at it and I’m all out of ideas.

      Worst band names? Let’s see:
      New Town Plaza
      Westside Pavilion
      Landshark Stadium
      Hobbytown U.S.A.
      Hamish Industries
      New Christy Minstrels
      Leon Spinks Orthodontics
      Puppy Mills, Mass.
      Parking Lot Leaflets
      Current 93
      The Top 40s
      Rule 34
      MSN.com

      This could, of course, turn into a full-fledged post…


    • Puppy Mills, Mass

      😉


  5. Nurse Myra,

    I couldn’t say for sure, but according to legend there was a Keanu malfunctioning fancy pants incident at Super Bowl 1988 AD.

    Apparently a young Keanu Reeves was vilified for exposing his penis…

    Not during the flashy star studded intermission when other singers where showing off their nipples, but in a men’s room stall several hours after the game ended.

    The press dubbed it “Penis Gate.”

    Because that’s what the press do. They have fun with words. It’s their job.


    • Correction Alan, but the event in question was actually called “Small Penis Gate.”


    • The press do have fun with words, but they can’t seem to let a scandal go until it’s beaten like the dead horse I keep in the garage specifically for beating.

      I remember when the words “penis gate” used to mean something.

      BTW Nurse Myra, great to see you in here, classing up the joint.


    • Ah yes, “Small Penis Gate”

      Bless you, FJ.

      Remind me again… Who was mixed up in the “Long Dong” Scandal?


    • Alan-
      Unless I’m mistaken, it had something to do with illegal cock fights, a Chinese phone book and a spectacularly bad chain of seafood restaurants.

      Among those involved were John Holmes and his assistant Watson, Marky Mark Wahlberg, representatives of the Dong estate, the illegitimate offspring of Wilt Chamberlain, a young Keanu Reeves and the patent-holder for the Westcott Finger Grip 12″ ruler.


  6. Rozz Williams was also in “Weak Stream” and “Flomax: Beyond the Porcelain.”

    You’re one eclectic son-of-a-bitch CLT…nice stuff.


    • That’s what my mom says about me, too.

      Nice to see you, FJ.


  7. Sad to say I was just about to hit you up for a bill of sale… That’s so weird I was in a band called Hobbytown U.S.S.R. We of course broke up, but at the time I was real proud of our name.


    • And rightly proud, what with the fine products they made. So many products, all in grey, which almost worked. So close yet so far away from useful or even entertaining.

      Yakof Smirnov got 45 minutes from that subject alone. 45 interminable minutes.


  8. I have to correct 2 errors regarding Kraftwerk’s design team.

    The first is small one. Euro-Disney provided the imagineers, narrowly beating out a bid from Parc Astérix. Originally, the team was to have included Bayern Park engineers, but they withdrew after a tragic event during the 1st annual “Stormtrooper March”.
    http://www.bayern-park.de/e/content_e/veranstaltungen_e/veranstaltungen_main_e.htm

    But Ford Motor Company? Are you shitting me??? The kind of precision required to smoothly operate a Kraftwerk prefomance requires nothing short of the likes of Bayerische Motoren Werke AG (aka BMW). Streamlined, minimalist, well coiffed, execution is what the Kraftwerk project required.

    I’m not sure how you can confuse Kraftwerk’s stylish stoicism with the full throttle revs of Ted Nugent, who actually is a Ford product.

    Seriously, you just can’t “fahr’n fahr’n fahr’n auf der Autobahn” in a Ford Focus.


    • Careful. You’re stepping on my “Henry Ford and Walt Disney thought Adolph Hitler was an alright guy” joke…


  9. Its still funny.


    • Thanks, FJ. It’s good to know not all the humor on this site becomes as easily dated as last year’s mom.



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