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Fuckin’ Morris Day Took It All

August 3, 2010

The picture is a lie. 

If it were possible, the button’s lettering would be worn off by now. In fact, I’d like something more powerful. Like 2-4 extra hours a day to use whenever I needed them. 

So when you hear me rail against the space program, it’s mainly because they have failed to discover some sort of portable wormhole that can stretch time and space, all from the comfort of your own home. Aluminum foil is just not enough. 

Pointless intro aside, I’m pushing “Pause” on Fancy Plans for the time being. (Well, pushing “Pause” on my contributions anyway. RF is free to do whatever he likes to the place in my absence.) The blog has become “work,” which it should never be. Because of the limited time I have available for it, I constantly feel like I’m trying to shovel myself out of a hole. Granted, I dug this hole, but it’s still a hole and it doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller. 

This is because it’s never been just about “me” and “my blog.” There are several other incredibly well-written blogs out there that I frequent, and more importantly, comment at. My postings here have become infrequent and my commenting even more so. This sucks because I respect you all (you know who you are; and if you don’t, there will be a list towards the end of this post) and I really hate doing anything half-assed. 

I can already hear some of you protesting, “We don’t care whether or not you comment…etc.” Those of you who are, god bless you. You’re a much bigger person than I am. But I know that I would cry like a little girl if my incoming comments vanished, only to be replaced with assurances that everyone was “still reading the blog.” It’s like having your joke greeted with the statement, “That’s funny,” instead of with laughter. 

Since I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement, I wouldn’t expect it from anyone else. I’m not going to forge forward, posting away frequently while tending to my newly paved one-way street. 

The fact is, this mostly self-imposed pressure is getting to me. My real life is starting to suffer from the nagging feeling that I should be doing more blog-wise and, consequently, every activity (almost all of them more important than this) is colored by that mindset, leading me into a bit of a depressive funk, which really isn’t fair to my immediate family. Or to any of you.

I like to be in a good mood when I write (it’s true; even the rants) and this pressure (self-imposed) kills off the vibe before I can get going. Not only am I falling off in the blogosphere, but I haven’t submitted anything to anywhere else in weeks. That’s disappointing to me as I’d like to become a bit more “published,” with the aim of someday, somehow turning “pro.” 

So it all adds up to me letting a whole lot of people down, all at the same time. I’m not interested in continuing that trend, especially as it makes me a bit of a chore to be around. 

[A quick break – dealing with time…]

I’ll still be writing. It just won’t be published (here) for the time being. (If it’s published elsewhere, great! I’ll break the silence with a self-congratulatory post or something. But if the past is any indication, I’ll be back blogging before I get another “yes.”) I will probably pull from the archives occasionally, just to give this blog a zombie-like semblance of life. RF may chip in more, but from what I gather, he’s in over his own deck-shoed head at this point. 

This is by no means a permanent goodbye. It’s temporary, but it comes with an indefinite time limit. It could be a couple of weeks. Or months. Or longer. I can’t make any promises. You may find me intermittently strolling through the comment threads at your various blogs. And, despite what I said earlier, I will be making every effort to keep reading them. 

Thank you all for your patience and invaluable encouragement. I will return as soon as is robotically possible. 

(Sadly, this also means that Clifton will be taking a break as well. And he seemed so full of rambling promise…) 

Now, there’s nothing more to see here. Go here instead: 

The Problem with Young People Today Is…
Funny as hell. Hates young people, which is something we all can agree with. And if he didn’t actually coin the term “assclown,” he’s certainly on his way to making it his own through some sort of common-law marriage-thru-heavy usage appropriation. 

Also a good friend and the original supporter of this blog. A multi-faceted blogger who has inhabited the body of a swarthy Indian convenience store owner in the past and has at least a couple more personas up his sleeve. 

Sick Days 
Although his blog should probably have a historic marker erected in front of it at this point, Alan Truitt’s blog, in its prime, was home to the most anarchic and hilarious comment threads in all of blogdom. Without Truitt’s sublime hosting, the threads would never have topped the 200 comment mark. 

Another good friend and longtime supporter. Not only that, but the man gets paid to write

Stop Annoying Me 
The most cynical “occasional black man” writing today. Well, not “today,” actually, as his blog seems to have gone dark. During its on-again, off-again heyday, it tended to follow short but highly-prolific bursts with long periods of deafening silence. Still, when he got going, not much remained sacred, other than his ungodly love of Sarah Palin. Drive-by readers often misinterpreted his rantings as misanthropic, but true readers knew Tanner was a compassionate (if inappropriately horny) human being underneath it all. 

Fundamental Jelly 
Some sort of a small desert animal-ologist whose blog has slowly morphed into a showcase for his incredible photography. When not capturing the picturesque backsides of buildings, FJ has a penchant for taking candid stalker-esque photos of unsuspecting passersby. He hasn’t posted any upskirt shots yet, but we can hope…

(It worked! Check out the last photo on his latest, which may also be one of his last…) 

Just Making Convo 
Hosted by the funny-as-all-hell Bschooled, JMC offers up Iron Chef-meets-Daycare Menu food criticism, off-center jokes that Readers’ Digest is too uptight to print, photos that tend to make you wish you had been blinded by the previous one and scupltures that tend to make you wish you had more office supplies just laying around

She’s also branched out recently, offering up various items that are overpriced at “free.” (Her how-to’s, however, are seriously undervalued. And mindbreakingly funny.) 

Fun fact: Bschooled strolled into the Commenter’s Hall of Fame early on, when she stated her original wedding song was I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

Zodiblog 
An American supposedly trapped in Spain, but recent posts seem to indicate that this continental life agrees with him, despite the Spainards’ refusal to stock Eggos. A keen eye for minutia and a penchant for awkwardness make his blog a blast to read, even if the phrase “L.A. Lakers-inspired purple and gold dildo” seems to crop up with alarming frequency. 

Hidden Leaves 
Perhaps the most overtly “man-centric” blog I read, but don’t let that scare you away. At turns deeply insightful and devastatingly funny, Ulysses offers up glimpses of his worldview and dispenses some of the soundest long-term relationship advice I’ve ever read, all with a very refreshing lack of cynicism or pandering. A weekly selection of eye and ear candy doesn’t hurt. 

RubyTwoShoes 
A gregarious Australian who tends to find herself in the sort of situations the rest of us are glad to be only reading about. Whether it’s dealing with a “revolutionary” roommate who’s declared that “all heterosexual sex is rape,” or warring with various factions over control of a treasured private alcove in the public library known only as “The Room,” RubyTwoShoes is constantly in the thick of it (usually accompanied by “the Boy”), usually emerging, if not “triumphant,” than at least with a cripplingly funny anecdote or two. 

Added bonus: obscure Aussie slang demystified! 

Vodka and Ground Beef 
The latest addition to the blogroll, VAGB tackles unusual news and mundane situation with verbal aplomb, using memorable and highly inappropriate phrases, such as: 

“He had that sexy beach look – intentionally wrinkled plaid clothing and hair that looked like it had been casually finger-banged by the sun…” 

or: 

“I cried every day for one day.” 

Highly recommended. 

And last, but not least, I’m doing this for my family. I’ve got two boys (here and here) that need some undivided attention, especially as they’re going through some very formative (and destructive) phases. Everyone says kids grow up so fast, but you don’t really notice it until they have something valuable/dangerous that you thought was safely out of reach. 

I’m also doing this for my wife, who is one of the strongest, most compassionate and dedicated people I know. She has a metric fuckload of stuff going on right now, and I really want to help her out any way that I can. Plus, she’s superhot, which is a great bonus feature on an already-complete package. 

So, until we meet again (possibly aided by a Bender photo and quote), I’m going to leave you with this amazing track by the Miniature Tigers. It’s called Golden Skull which tells you absolutely nothing about the subject matter. And for some reason, it makes me want to smoke cigarettes and watch Captain Kangaroo… 

“Think I’ll stay home and chill out here tonight 
I’m turning off my cell phone 
I’m a shrine in the sky as the sun with sunglasses 
And I need to take a break…” 

-CLT

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37 comments

  1. […] you are curious, indifferent or maybe just want to yell a bit, the full explanation is at my main […]


  2. I can’t help but feel personally responsible. Then again, I also feel personally responsible for the fact that baby oysters in France are suffering from herpes; that bushmeat tastes “bush league”; and that fucking hedgehogs continues to be, well, fucking hedgehogs.

    I’ll always owe that Ram Venkrantaschmantaface a debt of thanks for pointing me in your direction. He told me you were hilarious – and boy, was he right. I’m guessing that’s why you put his fucking hedgehog of a blog before mine. (It’s all I can think of… Oh, and FYI: word is I may be related to the guy. Although I’m pretty sure that’s just a rumour he started.)

    I can say for certainty that you will be missed. But I understand your need to skimbleskamble (hmm, is that a word? Ah, why not…?) off into new adventures… I, I, I want to let you know that I promised myself I wouldn’t cry, so instead I’ll drink.

    I certainly look forward to seeing you as soon as robotically possible. Keep writing. You got the chops.

    I’ll be talking to you very soon. Probably sooner than expected.


    • Alan –

      The unmanageable hedgehog population aside, I really don’t think I can place the blame with you. At least not all of it, as I’d like to have some left to spread around to people/entities such as ASCAP, Clive Cussler, Garth Brooks, Morris Day and Nickelback.

      And as for the mixup in the ordering: I’ve ordered my non-existent staff to look into during my sabbatical, which will often take the form of drinking contests. I wonder whatever became of Ram V? It seemed like prison was treating him just fine…

      Thanks for the many, many kind words and your tremendous support over the last year and change.


  3. I am so there with you friend. You’re a talented scribe CLT, don’t waste that gift. Thanks for the kind words and all the great lines, awesome music, and links. All the best amigo. Peace.


    • FJ –

      I hope for my sake that you keep blogging, if even sporadically. It seems like a lot of us are packing it in, if only temporarily, these days. Seeing someone power through this doldrum might be all the inspiration I need.

      Thank you very much for the best wishes, FJ. Take care of yourself. (And your gall bladder.)


  4. Enjoy the rest and respite, CLT.


    • Ulysses –

      Many, many thanks, Ulysses. And thanks for the eye-gouging, ear-bleeding video farewell. The lead singer looks like Dustin Hoffman auditioning for Sean Penn’s role in “Carlito’s Way.” Plus, he’s singing, as if all the rest weren’t horrifying enough.


  5. CLT,

    It looks like you are making a good choice for the right reasons.

    Keep writing when you can, even if you only stuff it in a drawer.


    • Thanks, O/O. I intend to. (Keep writing, that is.) I was planning to stuff some more in that drawer, but more previously stuffed stuff keeps popping out, saying mysterious things like “flesh out character,” “needs new intro” and “stop stuffing paper in this drawer.”


  6. I get it, CLT. Though it breaks my “cold and prone to expressing itself via unnecessary sarcasm” heart to hear it, I get it.

    And I feel the same way. With all the time I’ve spent blogging lately (or, should I say, thinking about blogging) I could have written a book by now.

    Really, the only thing that makes this news bearable is knowing that you’re still going to write. Because while I loved having regular (and FREE!) access to your ridiculously-gifted writing, it’s time that CLT-penned literature got the recognition it deserves.

    Like FJ says, don’t waste your gift.

    But first, go help out your wife. Because take it from a female who has a “cold and prone to expressing itself via unnecessary sarcasm**” heart, she sounds like a truly amazing woman.

    **Description courtesy of my last three boyfriends.


    • Bschooled –

      Thank you very much for the best wishes and compliments. Despite what your last three boyfriends may have said, most likely at a time of weakness, your heart is only “tepid” and “prone to expressing itself via necessary sarcasm.”

      These are good traits to have as they a.) keep your core temperature down and b.) employ sarcasm to devastating effect rather than just spreading it all over the place like so much blame that Alantru couldn’t shoulder.

      I will go and do just that, hopefully making my family happy and myself famous, roughly in that order.


  7. Godspeed to you sir and may we meet again on the plains of your rightful tome.


    • Many thanks, AUM. I hope to return here soon but who knows, it may actually be something else, somewhere else. If it is, I’ll let everyone know where to find me.


  8. You … were Clifton? I had no idea.

    I will miss Clifton. *Sniff* And I suppose that includes you, since you’re Clifton (weak lol).

    Hopefully, he or you will be around from time to time, but the main thing is that you both take some time for YOUs. Regroup and recoup then when you CAN just pop in.

    Do what you need to do and don’t worry about what you think you should do on a blog. Blogs are meant to fit your schedule, not the other way around.

    Take good care, Clifton and CLT!


    • Yes, I was/am Clifton. It was kind of a one-off posting that grew beyond reasonable boundaries before stomping off into its own corner of the internet to ramble at length.

      Clifton does seem like the sort of person who would be missed more, what with his quiet ways and mostly good heart. This CLT here, on the other hand, is somewhat more of a loudmouth with a penchant for swearing.

      Thanks for all the kind words, stuff. I hope to be back to both CLTs as soon as everything else falls into place.


  9. What can I say CLT? I totally feel you as well. My feelings towards my blog tend to alternate between love/lust and anger/angst. I often wonder if it’s worth it to put so much work into something that you most likely will never get paid for. And my conclusion is always the same; only if you are having fun.

    You have an amazingly clear and erudite voice that needs to be heard so I have no doubt that this will not be a long break. And if it is then we will be reading you on another, more elite forum.

    It is a sad, sad day on the internets.

    But I got you a going away present! Hint; it’s a puppy.


    • Scott –

      Blogging is one of the most fulfilling things I’ve ever done. But as with all fulfilling things, it sometimes turns into a ravenous beast with an unquenchable thirst for MORE. And sometimes, you just don’t have any left.

      I’ll recharge and regroup and be back perhaps even sooner than I would have thought possible.

      Thanks for the going away present. He’s adorable. Or so I would imagine, as the US Postal Service stuck a message in my PO Box stating that it was against their policy to ship live animals and, therefore, had allowed my puppy to expire before forwarding him on to my home address. I can pick him up between 11-11:30 alternating Mondays or Thursdays.


  10. CLT, as much as I will miss you, a part of me is over the moon! Ecstatically over the moon! It has been abundantly clear that you are ready for the big league and should be writing a book or getting published. I want you to succeed as much as I want my children to succeed. I am really excited for you!! I hope the ‘free time’ (as if) serves as a launching point for bigger and better projects (and publication!). Signing off,

    Your # 1 fan


    • You’re making me blush, Elizabeth. Thanks so very much for your unwavering support over the last several months, which often took the form of effusive compliments and comparisons to writers I can’t compete with.

      I hope this time off results in a push forward on the writing career or towards something larger. (Perhaps even a book of some sort…)

      Thanks once again, Elizabeth. I’ll try not to disappoint.


  11. Streuth mate, you nearly had me wipin a tear away there, honest to God mate, you really know how to string some words together, Class Act, mate, Class Act.

    Seriously now….Hearing this, wonderfully articulated, sentiment from both you and FJ in the one week, I am beginning to suspect blogging is like the murky underworld of motherhood – so many people are linked by a very shared and very particular experience, but no one seems to be talking about the rough trot side of it…Blogging can be fucking hard work, and time consuming. And that is a confronting feeling, because as if any of us signed up to do that voluntarily…..So when you find that the gears have shifted, it does indeed call for some thought….

    So I thank you for bringing the feelings to light in such a well written way. And speaking of well written, dude, it is a crying shame that a writer as wonderful as you doesn’t have greater exposure, but I wish you the best in finding that, and have great confidence that you will …(and if on the rare chance you dont, you can forever be warmed by some of the things your loyal readers here have had to say, because really, does it get better than having E3H say she wishes you to find success in the same way she wishes it for her own children?! I think not. To that end, you have already hit the big time.)

    Thank you for including me in a list that gives me the kind of warm fuzzy feelings previously only experienced from pissing myself….I particularly loved getting such a nice wrap after hearing today that my blog sounded like “diary writing”…..

    Anyway, I genuinely look forward to hearing of how your other writing pursuits go, and hope you direct us to any other written work you do – “published”, or otherwise.

    Over and Out. For now. xx


    • Thanks, Ruby. You’re incredibly right on two counts:

      1. Blogging is fucking hard work sometimes and the fact that we all decided we’d become bloggers makes it that much tougher when it starts feeling like a grind.

      2. Even if nothing else ever happens writing-wise, I do feel like I’ve already made it. I have a loyal core of readers, none of which I’d be willing to trade away for a broadsided shot at “popularity.” I want to continue to write the way I do and I want even more to see familiar faces (so to speak) when it all comes together, or even more so, if it all falls apart.

      There was no way I was going to leave you off the list, Ruby. Your blog is way too entertaining and should definitely be seen by way more eyes.


  12. Jesus F. Christ…That’s the longest goodbye since Brian’s Song.

    Having said that, thanks for sharing your talents with the rest of us. Sure, half of the stuff you wrote was well beyond my mental capacity but you would throw in enough “fucks” and “cuntastics” to keep my attention.

    Let us know what you write and where we can find it.

    Last thing, the bit with your “superhot wife” was just mean. I had my tissues and Courvoisier all set up and then you basically Rick Rolled me. You bastard.

    Good luck, TL


    • TL –

      It was a pretty long goodbye (especially for something that most likely won’t be permanent) but I felt I had a lot to touch on before I quietly let myself out the side door.

      I’m glad you enjoyed my heady blend of intelligent discourse and childlike swearing, TL. It’s what makes me “me,” and what always set me apart from the commenters on your blog who were always gracious enough to censor themselves.

      Sorry about the wife thing, TL, but I’ve got to keep a few titillating cards close to my chest, even after spewing out 1,500 words about my personal life and such.

      I’m sorry to see you’re quitting the biz, TL, but I can totally understand it. Good luck to you out there, and by all means, if you’re still writing, let us all know where we can read it.


  13. Sorry to see you (and Clifton) go but your personal life has to take priority, if you’re happy, then this reader is happy. Best of luck.


    • Thanks much for that, sdaedalus. Oddly enough, letting go of all this seems to have made me happier already. I’m of the opinion that I’ll be back in this part of the Web soon though.

      Thanks again.


  14. Wait. Are we breaking up?


    • Um… Yeah… Sorry…

      Was it the whole part about the wife that clued you in?

      Take care, Vodka. Keep turning those phrases.


  15. That’s half my blogroll you just killed…

    Good luck, CLT, and keep in touch. I don’t know what you might do next but I sure don’t want to miss it.


    • Don’t worry sir, I’ll try to pick up the slack.


    • Don –

      My apologies on your blogroll and its current half-mast status. I do hope to return here (and to Unsolicited Advice) soon and return your exclusive blogroll to its former glory.

      Take good care of yourself, Don. And keep me posted on where/whom you’ll be next.


  16. […] Capitalist F Lion Tamer: Fuckin’ Morris Day Took It All […]


  17. You were putting out volumes, CLT, and it was such high quality, and hard to keep up. The fact that you were Clifton says a lot about the amazing range of talent. You will be missed until you come back, in which case please let me know somehow, if I’m still posting. I’m getting the urge to cut and run soon, as other things are begging for attention, and my post has been meager and sporadic lately. Good-luck, CLT.


    • Thank you for all the kind words and support, Dan. I know my postings were beginning to dwindle over the last couple of months and it seemed to be headed to that look of slight decay that infreqently updated blogs get. I just wanted to head off what was most likely inevitable and get a few words in before the hiatus took over.

      If you’re feeling the urge too, Dan, than there must be something in the blogwater. Perhaps its a collective urge to pull back and assess the situation.

      Good luck out there, Dan. I’ll keep you posted as to my whereabouts.


  18. Jesus!

    You are the 3rd blogger that I read that has called it quits, or has gone on self-imposed hiatus, in 2010 alone. One guy went so far as to delete his (free) blogging website, e-mail address and years worth of great content. He was a semi-pro writer blogging under his real name, so this move was very strange indeed. As an aspiring writer, you want your shit out there getting read.

    Seeing as I only visit 3-4 blogs on a regular basis, having 3 writers bail in under a year is a suspiciously high number. Perhaps these bloggers get intimidated by the quality of my posts, examine the empty shell their life has become, give up and wait for the vultures to come and pick the flesh off their bones. That’s the story I’m sticking to.

    What? You expected mellow-dramatic encouragement or condolences from me? As they say in the rap game, “Nigga please.”

    I am not phased because I know this nancy-boy just needs a self-cuddling intermission between periods. He’ll be back. The Internet is more addictive than crack and is a lot cheaper.


    • I’m telling you SM, there’s something going around. Maybe we all thought it would be easier. Maybe we all charged in and used up all the juice, rather than pacing ourselves for the long haul. Who knows?

      And of course we’ll all be back. We’ve sold ourselves to WordPress in exchange for some loyal readers and elusive pageviews. The internet was the devil’s greatest invention. No one can claim otherwise.

      You do tend to wear out your keyboard whereever you go, SM. Ever thought of blogging? It’s like crack wrapped in bacon. And the first hit(s) are always free…


    • Actually, I have contemplated it a lot lately. I’m not sure what kind deal WordPress offers for your soul, but I’ve been thinking about it. If it includes a harem of hot, young, girls, I’ll probably sign…especially if they come wrapped in bacon.

      But I’m Canadian and we’re a nation full of voyeurs. We like to keep our hands clean, watch from the side-lines and smugly criticize. It’s generally considered un-Canadian to grab the spotlight for yourself.

      I’d also have difficulty reducing myself to interacting with the fucktards who post on my site and like to prattle on because they think they know everything. I’m sure you know what I mean.


  19. […] yourselves right now: “Who the hell are you and why should I care?” And rightly so. I have been gone quite awhile. Most of you have continued on with your lives and blogging in my absence. Some, unfortunately, […]



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