Archive for August 3rd, 2010


Fuckin’ Morris Day Took It All

August 3, 2010

The picture is a lie. 

If it were possible, the button’s lettering would be worn off by now. In fact, I’d like something more powerful. Like 2-4 extra hours a day to use whenever I needed them. 

So when you hear me rail against the space program, it’s mainly because they have failed to discover some sort of portable wormhole that can stretch time and space, all from the comfort of your own home. Aluminum foil is just not enough. 

Pointless intro aside, I’m pushing “Pause” on Fancy Plans for the time being. (Well, pushing “Pause” on my contributions anyway. RF is free to do whatever he likes to the place in my absence.) The blog has become “work,” which it should never be. Because of the limited time I have available for it, I constantly feel like I’m trying to shovel myself out of a hole. Granted, I dug this hole, but it’s still a hole and it doesn’t seem to be getting any smaller. 

This is because it’s never been just about “me” and “my blog.” There are several other incredibly well-written blogs out there that I frequent, and more importantly, comment at. My postings here have become infrequent and my commenting even more so. This sucks because I respect you all (you know who you are; and if you don’t, there will be a list towards the end of this post) and I really hate doing anything half-assed. 

I can already hear some of you protesting, “We don’t care whether or not you comment…etc.” Those of you who are, god bless you. You’re a much bigger person than I am. But I know that I would cry like a little girl if my incoming comments vanished, only to be replaced with assurances that everyone was “still reading the blog.” It’s like having your joke greeted with the statement, “That’s funny,” instead of with laughter. 

Since I wouldn’t be happy with this arrangement, I wouldn’t expect it from anyone else. I’m not going to forge forward, posting away frequently while tending to my newly paved one-way street. 

The fact is, this mostly self-imposed pressure is getting to me. My real life is starting to suffer from the nagging feeling that I should be doing more blog-wise and, consequently, every activity (almost all of them more important than this) is colored by that mindset, leading me into a bit of a depressive funk, which really isn’t fair to my immediate family. Or to any of you.

I like to be in a good mood when I write (it’s true; even the rants) and this pressure (self-imposed) kills off the vibe before I can get going. Not only am I falling off in the blogosphere, but I haven’t submitted anything to anywhere else in weeks. That’s disappointing to me as I’d like to become a bit more “published,” with the aim of someday, somehow turning “pro.” 

So it all adds up to me letting a whole lot of people down, all at the same time. I’m not interested in continuing that trend, especially as it makes me a bit of a chore to be around. 

[A quick break – dealing with time…]

I’ll still be writing. It just won’t be published (here) for the time being. (If it’s published elsewhere, great! I’ll break the silence with a self-congratulatory post or something. But if the past is any indication, I’ll be back blogging before I get another “yes.”) I will probably pull from the archives occasionally, just to give this blog a zombie-like semblance of life. RF may chip in more, but from what I gather, he’s in over his own deck-shoed head at this point. 

This is by no means a permanent goodbye. It’s temporary, but it comes with an indefinite time limit. It could be a couple of weeks. Or months. Or longer. I can’t make any promises. You may find me intermittently strolling through the comment threads at your various blogs. And, despite what I said earlier, I will be making every effort to keep reading them. 

Thank you all for your patience and invaluable encouragement. I will return as soon as is robotically possible. 

(Sadly, this also means that Clifton will be taking a break as well. And he seemed so full of rambling promise…) 

Now, there’s nothing more to see here. Go here instead: 

The Problem with Young People Today Is…
Funny as hell. Hates young people, which is something we all can agree with. And if he didn’t actually coin the term “assclown,” he’s certainly on his way to making it his own through some sort of common-law marriage-thru-heavy usage appropriation. 

Also a good friend and the original supporter of this blog. A multi-faceted blogger who has inhabited the body of a swarthy Indian convenience store owner in the past and has at least a couple more personas up his sleeve. 

Sick Days 
Although his blog should probably have a historic marker erected in front of it at this point, Alan Truitt’s blog, in its prime, was home to the most anarchic and hilarious comment threads in all of blogdom. Without Truitt’s sublime hosting, the threads would never have topped the 200 comment mark. 

Another good friend and longtime supporter. Not only that, but the man gets paid to write

Stop Annoying Me 
The most cynical “occasional black man” writing today. Well, not “today,” actually, as his blog seems to have gone dark. During its on-again, off-again heyday, it tended to follow short but highly-prolific bursts with long periods of deafening silence. Still, when he got going, not much remained sacred, other than his ungodly love of Sarah Palin. Drive-by readers often misinterpreted his rantings as misanthropic, but true readers knew Tanner was a compassionate (if inappropriately horny) human being underneath it all. 

Fundamental Jelly 
Some sort of a small desert animal-ologist whose blog has slowly morphed into a showcase for his incredible photography. When not capturing the picturesque backsides of buildings, FJ has a penchant for taking candid stalker-esque photos of unsuspecting passersby. He hasn’t posted any upskirt shots yet, but we can hope…

(It worked! Check out the last photo on his latest, which may also be one of his last…) 

Just Making Convo 
Hosted by the funny-as-all-hell Bschooled, JMC offers up Iron Chef-meets-Daycare Menu food criticism, off-center jokes that Readers’ Digest is too uptight to print, photos that tend to make you wish you had been blinded by the previous one and scupltures that tend to make you wish you had more office supplies just laying around

She’s also branched out recently, offering up various items that are overpriced at “free.” (Her how-to’s, however, are seriously undervalued. And mindbreakingly funny.) 

Fun fact: Bschooled strolled into the Commenter’s Hall of Fame early on, when she stated her original wedding song was I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For

An American supposedly trapped in Spain, but recent posts seem to indicate that this continental life agrees with him, despite the Spainards’ refusal to stock Eggos. A keen eye for minutia and a penchant for awkwardness make his blog a blast to read, even if the phrase “L.A. Lakers-inspired purple and gold dildo” seems to crop up with alarming frequency. 

Hidden Leaves 
Perhaps the most overtly “man-centric” blog I read, but don’t let that scare you away. At turns deeply insightful and devastatingly funny, Ulysses offers up glimpses of his worldview and dispenses some of the soundest long-term relationship advice I’ve ever read, all with a very refreshing lack of cynicism or pandering. A weekly selection of eye and ear candy doesn’t hurt. 

A gregarious Australian who tends to find herself in the sort of situations the rest of us are glad to be only reading about. Whether it’s dealing with a “revolutionary” roommate who’s declared that “all heterosexual sex is rape,” or warring with various factions over control of a treasured private alcove in the public library known only as “The Room,” RubyTwoShoes is constantly in the thick of it (usually accompanied by “the Boy”), usually emerging, if not “triumphant,” than at least with a cripplingly funny anecdote or two. 

Added bonus: obscure Aussie slang demystified! 

Vodka and Ground Beef 
The latest addition to the blogroll, VAGB tackles unusual news and mundane situation with verbal aplomb, using memorable and highly inappropriate phrases, such as: 

“He had that sexy beach look – intentionally wrinkled plaid clothing and hair that looked like it had been casually finger-banged by the sun…” 


“I cried every day for one day.” 

Highly recommended. 

And last, but not least, I’m doing this for my family. I’ve got two boys (here and here) that need some undivided attention, especially as they’re going through some very formative (and destructive) phases. Everyone says kids grow up so fast, but you don’t really notice it until they have something valuable/dangerous that you thought was safely out of reach. 

I’m also doing this for my wife, who is one of the strongest, most compassionate and dedicated people I know. She has a metric fuckload of stuff going on right now, and I really want to help her out any way that I can. Plus, she’s superhot, which is a great bonus feature on an already-complete package. 

So, until we meet again (possibly aided by a Bender photo and quote), I’m going to leave you with this amazing track by the Miniature Tigers. It’s called Golden Skull which tells you absolutely nothing about the subject matter. And for some reason, it makes me want to smoke cigarettes and watch Captain Kangaroo… 

“Think I’ll stay home and chill out here tonight 
I’m turning off my cell phone 
I’m a shrine in the sky as the sun with sunglasses 
And I need to take a break…”