Elsewhere on the Web…

July 21, 2010


Look. It’s that guy. Only with his real name.


(Hit the home page for a nice little intro.)

I can now say that I’m a “published” writer when accosting random strangers or forcing my way into conversational huddles. I’ll leave it vaguely worded in order to indicate a large body of published work, rather than just the first (in what is hoped to be many) appearance outside the confines of self-publishing.



  1. Congrats. I now feel more confident upon entering a crime scene. I’ll drink an extra vodka tonic in your honor.

    • Entering a crime scene drunk off your ass is sometimes the best way to avoid doing anything regrettable, at least in terms of the investigation.

      The other regrettable non-crime-scene-related incidents will be its own diversion, directing attention away from the brutality/ineptitude on display.

      To confidence!

      Thanks for the visit, Vodka.

  2. That was painful to read. As I broke into spontaneous laughter, I sucked air through my teeth and it hurt (I decided to keep that dental appointment after all). Dude, you are so ready for prime time. If you don’t turn this blogging business into a career…

    You should thank your lucky stars that you have this amazing gift with the written word. You were BORN TO WRITE. If I lived in NYC, I would pound the pavement and find you an agent. I would.

    • I’ll have a warning put up for post-dental appointment readers, Elizabeth. That should keep them from associating my writing with intense nerve pain. Plus, those on heavy painkillers may actually enjoy it more, which can only help the cause.

      I hope to turn it into a business. So far, I’ve gathered my rejections outnumber my accepted submissions by a whole-lot-to-1.

      Thanks for your support, Elizabeth. If I lived in NYC, I wouldn’t be able to afford to.

  3. So what are you saying, the 50 odd blog post I’ve “published” dont count?!

    I am quite confident this is the first of many of your appearances outside the (liberating?) confines of self publishing – you are a wonderful writer and constantly amaze me with your versatility of voice, which you nail no matter what route you take. Loved hearing sound advice from the Dick.

    Good on ya! (that’s Aussie for ‘good job’)

    • Yes, Ruby: that’s exactly what I’m saying. It hurts me more than it hurts you, as I’ve got well over 250+ posts that don’t count.

      Thanks so very much for the compliments. The Dick had some great advice but wasn’t much for small talk. Hence the nickname “Dick.” As in, “That detective sure knows his crime scene investigations, although he can be a real Dick.”

  4. Hmmm…

    Has anyone checked Officer Hisel’s hands for gunpowder or tobacco residue?

    • AUM –

      They found it simpler (and less painful) to just check the eye sockets of Hisel’s victims for residue. Of course, all that eye socket blood tended to “tamper” the evidence.

  5. I really hate to rain on a parade, (I am such a liar. I LIVE to rain on parades!) but declaring yourself a “published writer” based upon a website posting your work is akin to claiming you’ve had sex with Scarlett Johansson because you masturbated to a poster of her on your bedroom wall.

    • Sedate Me – I’d say he has a really good chance of schtupping Scarlett Johansson (I really need to up your meds).

    • Sorry, SM, but that parade got rained on the moment I put quotation marks around “published.” (And left the word “appearance” singular, which makes no sense at all. And I still haven’t fixed it.

      Still, it’s a good analogy, even if Elizabeth finds my chances of scoring with Johansson much higher than I do. For one thing, she really doesn’t put out… very many posters.

    • Funny, I’ve never heard that one before. (Which is strange, because thanks to my new Whisper2000, I hear everything!)

      Not to get personal, but it sounds to me like somebody must have come up with that “ScarJo” analogy after learning the hard way…?

    • I should clarify that by “she,” I mean Johansson. It’d be pretty awkward otherwise.

    • Capitalist Lion Tamer, how dare you ruin the fun of me raining on your parade by preemptive striking your own parade? Curses, foiled again!

      But I shall have the last laugh. I have a moderately better chance of sleeping with Scarlett Johansson than you do. This is because I’m Canadian and, apparently, Scarlett likes sleeping with Canadian males older than herself. I’ve also met a former co-star of said Canadian actor. She grew up literally minutes from where I did and I probably would have bagged her (all actors are whores), if not for the fact that I had a date standing beside me at the time. That “in & out” would have given me an “in” with Scarlett’s (far too lucky) spouse, one I could potentially have used to move within striking distance of the target herself.

      In a similar vein, I probably also have a better chance of sleeping with Kevin Bacon than you.

  6. Congratulations, CLT! You should definitely be proud.

    Take it from someone who used to brag about being published on the “Louie Anderson” of comedy sites, having your first “published” piece end up at a place like The Big Jewel is quite the accomplishment.

    Next stop…McSweeney’s! (Actually no, fuck them. Go New Yorker.)

    • Thanks, bschooled!

      I’m wondering which site is considered the Louie Anderson of comedy sites. Probably something bloated and coasting on fumes. Like the supposed comedy blog of the New York Times.

      Yeah. And fuck McSweeney’s. They’ve published some of the funniest stuff I’ve read, but they’ve also published some of the lamest one-trick ponies I’ve ever read and re-read in slightly different versions.

      Go New Yorker! (They like lots and lots of words, which is something I’ve got plenty of.)

  7. Ohhh my God I didn’t even notice this until now. My largest most robust congratulations ever to you my good friend! I feel, like, proud of you plus some other vaguely indefinable feeling of warmth towards this news.

    Awesome buddy!!!!!!

    • I just read the post and Elizabeth is right; you seriously are a brilliant mother fucker. Except she didn’t swear at you, I did. Sorry.

      You are destined for great things man, seriously!

    • That indefinable feeling of warmth is probably urine. Hopefully your own.

      Many, many thanks for the well-wishing, Scott. I hope you and Elizabeth and pretty much everyone else who stops in here are right about the “great things” and the “brilliance.”

      If things don’t pan out that way, I’m going to be feeling the “We’re not mad. Just disappointed.” disapproval, which is way worse than just being hated.

      Thanks again, Scott.

    • I want to second (and third and fourth…) the previous recognitions of your genius, CLT.

      You are truly nothing short of brilliant.
      This is the height of sincere praise coming from someone who suffers from pathological self-involvement intermixed with an equal dose of social dysfunctions that render me nearly unable to extend praise, however deserving; which in your case exceeds description.

    • Well, now I’m truly starting to feel a bit humbled. Many, many thanks on the kind words, AUM.

  8. You are a big jewel yourself, CLT; a diamond emerging from the rough, and that jewel is not the only big stone you be sportin’ these days (and now I know how to lay crime tape correctly and deal with the beat cops). Great material, and many conrats on getting your work into very good hands. You rock!

    • Thanks very much, Dan. I’ll have to compile my rejections and post them to even the score a little. Hopefully, this isn’t some sort of peak, with a slow but steady decline ahead of it.

      I also hope one day I’ll be able to take compliments graciously.

      Thanks again, Dan.

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